Cooking, changing diapers, watching your siblings when your parents go off to do fun stuff, etc are your responsibilities.

2) When watching your siblings, make sure they never get in trouble.

Even if there are 5 of them and they’re all running around with the energy of the Tasmanian Devil on Crystal meth.

3) When your siblings inevitably get in trouble, take the blame.

If they accidentally murder someone, better learn to not drop the soap because YOU are going to prison.

4) Be fine with your parents giving your stuff to your siblings (usually without your permission).

Not all hand-me-downs were consensual.

5) Be fine with your parents treating your siblings way better than they treated you.

For example, if your parents hardly ever let you go out when you were little, your siblings’ curfew will be 1 AM…and 12 AM on school nights.

6) Go to university and study a course that your parents can brag with.

“RESPECT ME!”

7) Come back from the university after 4 years with a degree and a romantic partner who’s already in their first trimester.

Or with a kid already. Because your parents want grandchildren and time is of the essence.

8) Get a well-paying job immediately after graduation so you can send money home whenever they want.

Arthritis in your old age is gonna be major due to you carrying your entire family’s finances on your back.

What’s up, 91大神 Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this . It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

“So if I was younger or older, I would be ugly??”

“Are you saying that I’ve been ugly the entire time you’ve known me?”

“Have I been smelling like dustbin before today??”

“Do it. Go ahead and call me ‘fat’ with your chest, you bastard.”

“So did you always just think I was stupid before today?”

“Bitch, I’ve already done it! What are you trying to say??!”

“Thanks. I actually having tiny rockets boots that aid with movement.”

“Like? What do you think I am really??”

“Honestly ehn, fuck you.”

“Are you saying I’m not worth much??

“I may be wrong but it sounded like you just insulted my entire family.”

“Really? Tell me, what are other *insert group* people like?”

What’s up, 91大神 Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this . It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Here are 5 of those events:

1) The first time you had to set up your own hospital appointment and then went for it by yourself.

And you actually had to respond by yourself when the doctor asked what was wrong with you. The actual ghetto.

2) The first time you asked your parents for money and they gave it you but shaded you first.

Then you walked away happy that you got the money you wanted but also confused as to why your parents decided to wash you like that for no reason.

3) The first time your parents had you make your own food because they really couldn’t by if you’d eaten or not.

“How was the burnt boiled egg, baby?”

4) The first time you parents didn’t give a shit about your birthday.

They remembered. They just didn’t care.

5) When you fell asleep on the couch and woke up there because no one carried you to your bed.

Her waist is going to hurt like hell when she wakes up.

What’s up, 91大神 Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this . It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Take dating for instance 鈥� that arrangement where two consenting individuals agree to care for each other in a special way and see where it goes.

To start with, it鈥檚 based on pure probability 鈥� what the hell do you mean by seeing where it goes? Plus you have to show your love, in gifts, in special nights on the town 鈥� basically, it鈥檚 expensive.听Then there鈥檚 the fact that you could come to the end of a three-year-long relationship just to find out you鈥檝e been dating yourself.

It doesn鈥檛 help that the pressure to get in relationships is real. Even if you have the confidence and poise of a young Frank Donga, people expect your university degree to come with hints of a relationship 鈥� proof that you won鈥檛 spend your life alone and become one of those dog-whisperers.

听

Everything changed when I took a few weeks off work in 2017.

I chose to spend my time resting at home and as Cupid would have it, I learned all the ways loneliness can kill a man.听It was then that it came upon me like an epiphany brought to you by BellaNaija; why was I not seeing someone? Would I die if I started dating? Doesn鈥檛 a hot piece of cake like me deserve love too?

So I decided to get into the dating pool.听And where else would I choose to date than in Lagos 鈥� the city of beautiful, independent women where you lose money every time you breathe, sneeze or take a step in any direction. The city where I鈥檝e lived for the last 2 years and most of my life before that.

See how I set myself up?听Boys and girls, gather around, I tried dating in Lagos and these are my confessions.

It is starting like this.

听

Can you convince someone to date you?

The last time I checked, relationships involved a minimum of two people. So the first step was obviously finding bae. I was pretty clear on what I wanted.

Four words: interesting, opinionated, not broke and fine. I stan myself, a simple man.

The problem is, nobody鈥檚 walking around Lagos with their character traits plastered on their foreheads.听I had to search, something I had neither the time or money to do, so I settled for the next best option.

It鈥檚 free and depending on whether your boss can see your phone screen from his seat, you can use it at work.

Boys and girls, meet TINDER.

Except instead of love, I found women trying to sell their market.

One conversation went like this:

Me: 鈥淗ello. I鈥檓 Segun.鈥�

Tinder Babe: 鈥淗ey. Do you want a few hours or the whole night?鈥�

Me: 鈥淲hat?鈥�

Tinder Babe: Where are you? One night is 30k and you鈥檒l pay for my Uber.

Me: *deletes Tinder听app and pleads the blood of God*

So I took my search offline.

Weeks later, I met someone who seemed a good fit at a Brymo concert, but life quickly showed me we were not in the same tax bracket so I moved on.

It took a chance meeting with a friend鈥檚 friend to find someone I actually liked. 听Let鈥檚 call her Sunny.

So (potential) bae found, the next obvious thing was to find out if I was being groomed by a serial killer 鈥� that thing people call 鈥榞etting to know each other鈥�.

I have come a long way from university and asking girls out to beer parlours. I wanted to do it right and in my hunt for a perfect date, I learned something.

听

You always have a point to prove.

In Lagos, people treat every date as if there鈥檚 a better option waiting for them at the door 鈥� so you鈥檙e always trying to prove you鈥檙e the right option.

I did this by planning my first date at Bungalow鈥檚 in Victoria Island.

Nothing too fancy. Just art on the walls and food that looks like it was Photoshopped. Then I saw estimates of the bill on a food review website and my brain started shaking in my head.

Basically, how you choose to prove the point is up to you.

After hours of asking for divine inspiration, it came to me; a place where the breeze is cheaper than air conditioning and God鈥檚 niceness can be witnessed first hand. We went to Oniru beach instead.听After some snacks, a long conversation and some playing in the water straight out of a lazy Major Lazer video, we agreed to another date.

Mission accomplished.

听

After a few more dates, things began to move a bit steady.

For one, we had come to understand one another. She had a giant sweet tooth so I figured ice-cream made up for a few unreturned calls. She also discovered I鈥檓 a personal person (whatever that means) so she learned to keep things between us.

But what about other people? I mean, all the people walking around, looking for other people鈥檚 business to put their noses in.

听

Lagos has an estimated 18 million people and all of us are in the same WhatsApp group.

Some weeks into my new thing, one of them chose to tell me some 鈥榩rivate information鈥� about Sunny.听Basically, she had been seeing someone while I was all by myself in this cold world. This 鈥榠nformation volunteer鈥� thought I should know that they had been a celebrity couple of sorts.

Right out of the gates, I didn鈥檛 like it. But in a rare moment of reasonable thinking, I chose to talk to her first. A听brief conversation cleared things up.

It was easy to understand 鈥� It happened before me and she made it clear that they had both moved on.

You hear that dull hum in the background? That鈥檚 the sound of a fight that almost happened, dying forever.听Out here, some people just don鈥檛 want you to enjoy things. I wanted to enjoy this so trust became important way earlier than I expected.

With our external enemies in the dust, it was time to overcome my biggest challenge; myself.

听

But first – an important question.

How do you know when a series of dates become a relationship?

I ask because some people are funny and they鈥檒l actually ask, what are we now? To which I am inclined to answer that we are nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator.

I think for me, it was when we began to dedicate time to one another. She鈥檇 show up when I was having a bad day. I鈥檇 take time off my regular schedule to go with her for a weekday movie or a play, (or something I wouldn鈥檛 be caught dead doing alone).

Sadly, you will find that sometimes, the devil and his bad ideas will come in your way.

听

Case in point (and proof that I’m my own biggest problem).

After a relatively stressful week, Sunny had been asking if I could make time for us to chill, on her bill at that, but the boys beckoned.听I figured I could give Saturday to the guys and hang with her later.听

So on Sunday night, while I was in Lekki at a friend鈥檚, I asked her to dress up for a night out.听As I dropped the call and made to request a Taxify ride to the mainland, my fingers begged me to play a final round of FIFA, so I did.

I saw streaks of lightning after I conceded the first goal but the rain didn鈥檛 start until I had fully been embarrassed.

Long story short, I ended up spending the rest of my night in traffic, admiring headlights and the Atlantic Ocean, and later, apologising for being a douchebag.

听

It was a lesson that showing up is important. But sometimes, what is required of you is less personal and more鈥� financial.

At this point, Sunny and I had been going steady for nearly two months.

I was swimming in a relationship, guys. I wouldn鈥檛 spend the rest of my life alone in a flat with old books, Football Manager and hungry dogs.

We鈥檇 learned enough of each other to know our limits, so when she asked for me to pick up the tab on some work-related software she was getting, I knew she was asking because she had no choice.

The problem is for the past two months, my mind had been dreading this moment; a time that reminded of the immortal Nigerian phrase;

听

No Money, No Honey

Whether it鈥檚 for a dinner on the town, a gift or a bail-out, seeing someone puts some strain on your wallet.

I live in a flat in Surulere and fend for myself which means spending 1000 naira feels like I鈥檓 losing blood.听In the early days, because love and good vibes cannot charge my laptop, I always chose to pay myself (and my bills) first before helping anyone out.

But the truth is that love in Lagos, or anywhere for that matter, needs money to flourish.听How to balance the strain is the real question you have to answer.

Also, pray you don鈥檛 end up with someone who looks at you and sees a dark-skinned GTB ATM.

Did I give her the bar? Not all of it but I did what I could.

听

In the end, Lagos is the real enemy

You read that right.

Spending money on Uber and getting stuck on Third Mainland Bridge. Eating at Chicken Republic because Victoria Island鈥檚 restaurants are actually made for Instagram. Missing a date because my street is underwater.

I found out that every time something went wrong, it was because Lagos was trying to kill me.

I don鈥檛 understand why we all don鈥檛 just decide to be friends because that鈥檚 what this city really wants.

But then that鈥檚 what makes it fun. Fighting, literally, for what you want, like the time I had to explain why I was on Instagram Stories even though I wasn鈥檛 answering her calls.

How did it all end you ask? It didn鈥檛. We鈥檙e almost a year strong now and we haven鈥檛 reported each other to the Police yet so I guess we鈥檙e good.听Now I鈥檓 just waiting for Lagos to elect a new governor so I can know if this city has something personal against me.

If you do decide to get on this journey through the wilderness, please stay off Tinder, or open your mobile banking app together at the same time.

听

“Have you prayed about it? Let me give you my pastor’s number”

“It’s that the only thing that’s doing you, your own is even small, my landlord gave me quit notice yesterday”

“I don’t blame you, it’s because you don’t have real problems to think about”

“Depressed ke? God forbid, have you eaten today, maybe you are hungry”

“You want to talk to a therapist? For what? It’s like you think you are oyinbo”

“Ahan you too you are depressed, it’s like this thing is trending now”

“Better go and pray about it, such shall never be your portion in Jesus name”

“It’s just a phase jo it’ll pass, don’t worry”

“Ahan you are wearing cloth, you can eat everyday, there are clothes on your back, what more do you want?”

“You just like to dey overthink, it’s not that serious”

“You want to get help? You don’t know that you have to help yourself first abi?”

“Are you the only one? We are all sad please, stop making a big deal about it”

“You just like attention sha”

“At your small age, what do you have to be anxious about?”

“You are just too sensitive abeg”

“You have to pray more o, don’t let the devil manifest himself in your life”

“Wait I don’t understand, so…you are mad?”

“Wo you are not alone, the way it’s doing you is the way it’s doing all of us.”

“Shh don’t talk about it, you want your enemies to use it against you?”

If you鈥檝e ever been guilty of saying any of the above, we are here to tell you that you need to do better. If you know someone who is struggling with mental health issues, it鈥檚 not enough to just help them pray about it.

听

If you need someone to talk to, the guys at MANI听are doing incredible work, and we stan.

Hi Family, Today looks like a particularly good day to talk about (MANI), our amazing volunteers, the extent of our services offered and our limitations. THREAD. Please do RT

鈥� MentallyAwareNigeria (@MentallyAwareNG)

“He told me that I was the reason that he was on a 1.4 G.P.A, so we broke up but he still finished with a third class” – Wande

“We had been supposedly dating for a couple of months, caught him with another babe and he said he didn’t know we were in a relationship” – Mariam

“I caught him cheating and he said it wasn’t his fault that, that’s how they are in his family and if I couldn’t accept that we should break up” – Doyin

“He got someone else pregnant by ‘mistake'” – Hauwa

“I found the Instagram page of his real girlfriend he had been dating for years, I was the side chick. Confronted him and he said I thought I knew” – Amaka

“She told me that her grandma had a dream that we should breakup, I found out months later that the grandma in question had died like ten years ago” – Lanre

“She said she wanted to focus on her studies, she started dating my roommate the week after we broke up” – Femi

“I just stopped hearing from her and seeing her around campus, it was weeks later I found out she had transferred to a school in Canada” – Osas

“He told me that if I really truly loved him deep down I had to let him go, till today I still don’t understand what that means” – Funmi

Ever been through a bad Uni breakup? Share with us let us help you deal with the hurt.

There are many detrimental effects of corporal punishment.

Parents who employ corporal punishment as a discipline tool are simply training their kids to resent them.

Beatings damage your child’s self-esteem, their ability to interact properly with others, their view of the world and their view of how they deserve to be treated!

Beatings push your children away from you, and they become vulnerable to picking up vices from strangers. They also perfect bad habits such as lying. Why make your child grow up traumatised?

Punishment isn’t the only facet of discipline! In fact, if your discipline consists of just negative consequences, it isn’t very effective.

So, is #StopBeatingChildren a relevant movement in the Nigerian society? Yes.

What are your thoughts on using corporal punishment as a discipline tool?

You think I have money growing in the backyard?

What happened to the money I just gave you?

Eh ehn… With your grades?

“When you’re always pressing phone.”

Haven’t you been eating in this house?

What are you even using money for?

Go and meet your mother/father.

Why didn’t you tell me since?

Come and sell me/turn me to money.

I don’t have.

But last last sha, all is for home training and in good faith, because they struggle too. Shout out to our amazing folks!

When it finally clicks that your parents wedding was in March but you were born June of the same year.

Realising you might have low-key needed the cane your parents gave you growing up.

Realizing why your brother used to send you to buy sweet when his girlfriend from school came to visit.

You finally get why your mum used to say there is rice at home when you wanted to stop at Mr. Biggs.

That writing WAEC really wasn’t the end of the world.

That when your mum used to say she didn’t have money it was like she wasn’t lying.

That coming first in primary school doesn’t mean you’ll get first class in university.

It’s looking like you won’t marry that your primary school boyfriend after all.

That at the end of the day this adulting thing is truly a scam.

2. When everyone in your squad suddenly decides to get married

3. How your mom gives you side-eye when your friends bring their aso-ebi

4. You, when your younger cousins now want to get married too

5. You and all the people in your squad that are not planning to get married yet:

6. When you go to a wedding and you see your uncles and aunties coming

7. How your mom does night vigil for you everyday

8. When you now announce that you want to do your masters, your whole family is like

9. You, when nosy people ask ‘why aren’t you married yet?’

10. You, when your friends arrange the hundredth blind date for you

11. When your mum starts talking about your ticking biological clock

12. When you do something wrong and your mom starts with ‘that’s why you’re not married’