1. Your female lead must be an IJGB with a quirky job

This is the foundation of your film. You mess this up, and your film won鈥檛 last two weekends in the cinema. What you need is a female lead who just moved back to Nigeria and has a successful career as a Sh-E-O working as an art dealer, florist or ballerina 鈥� the more unrelatable she is, the better. These jobs will also explain why she鈥檚 always at a cute caf茅, restaurant, premiere or fashion show, as opposed to dancing to the drums of capitalism like the rest of us. 

2. You鈥檙e nothing without your accents 

It has to be a war of the accents. Everyone needs to be doing gbas gbos when they open their mouths. You give me American-Russian and I鈥檒l give you Lekki-British. The only people allowed to speak like normal Nigerians are the security guards and maids 鈥� make sure their 鈥渓ocal鈥� accents are exaggerated and silly just so the audience can laugh at them. 

3. Everybody has to be rich AF 

Poverty is cute, but not for romcoms. What鈥檚 not clicking here? Even world-renowned poet, David Adeleke, once said, 鈥淟ove is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.鈥� In Nigeria, we don鈥檛 believe in poor or middle-class romance dear. How do you hope to capture all the pretty nightclubs and restaurants if your main characters don鈥檛 have excess funds to go there? 

4. If your male lead doesn鈥檛 have a six-pack, cancel the film 

You need a shirtless scene that鈥檒l cause commotion in the cinema, and for this to work, your male lead must have ridges on his stomach. Please count them o! He must have a minimum of six packs because anything less than that doesn鈥檛 work. God forbid you have a regular-looking man who eats carbs after 7 p.m as your lead actor. What will people say? 

5. Make sure it鈥檚 an ensemble 

Romcom that鈥檚 not an ensemble in big 2022? You must be a joker. Pack as many stars as your budget can allow. Mix it up: Asaba Nollywood, New Nollywood, BBNaija alumni and Instagram skit makers. Mix all of them and put them into one pot 鈥� it doesn鈥檛 matter whether they can act or not, just put them in it. Get that bag. 

6. Your love interests have to hate each other at first

He must think she鈥檚 too opinionated and full of herself, and she must think he鈥檚 a player and pretty boy with nothing in his brain. This hatred is fake though, because deep down he admires her independence, while she admires the fact that he doesn鈥檛 care what anyone thinks of him. Last last, all this initial gragra will end in hot fo鈥攔omance. 

7. A female best friend co-worker or mother dedicated to finding the female lead some good penising 

Your female lead needs ginger to go out there and find a man. Who better to provide this push than her mum or best friend. These characters must be nosy and tread the thin line between cute and annoying. They must also remind your female lead that, 鈥淎 woman is like a flower,鈥� and that she may soon have cobwebs between her legs.

8. The one dimensional male best friend 

This guy鈥檚 role goes in one of two ways: it鈥檚 either he has small sense or he鈥檚 just a clown. This is where your influencer or BBNaija alumnus comes in. He exists solely to give the male lead really good or really fucking awful advice. There鈥檚 no in-between here.听

9. Something must try to put sand in their love garri 

Love in Nigeria is a battlefield, and to properly depict this, you have to test the love of your lead characters. Show us why they鈥檙e meant to be together, even though their chemistry is as bad as yesterday鈥檚 fried rice. Throw in family disapproval, busy careers or a wicked ex that is against their progress,听 and you have a great story on your hands.听

10. You have to give us fashunzzz and aesthetics 

Can your lead actors act? Not really, but who cares when they鈥檙e serving us back to back lewkks. Make sure your female lead never wears flats, and make sure your male lead is always in a suit even though his only destination for that day is shoprite. Distract us from the chaotic and unrealistic plot with high fashion and we鈥檒l be okay. T for Tenks.听

1) Drop out of school

When you drop out, you鈥檝e automatically passed the exam. Na person wey register exam fit fail am. A word is enough for the wise.

2) Write the exam in your dreams

Sometimes, we need to take things away from the physical realm and enter the dream realm. Arrange your pillows on your bed and get ready to create and write the exam of your dreams.

3) Write an exam you know

We didn鈥檛 specify the kind of exam you have to write. We just assured you we鈥檇 tell you how to write an exam and pass. You can write a primary school exam and prove to your enemies you still have the ability to pass exams.

4) Dinner with Jay-Z

The answer to all the problems is always Dinner with Jay-Z. When you get there, ask him to tell you the answers to your exam questions, and he will.

5) Use correction pen

Since you didn鈥檛 read, they might try to fail you. Just use a correction pen to change the F on the board to an A. Anything is possible with a correction pen.

6) Manifest an A

Light some candles, sit down in your room, and manifest an A. Just believe in the manifestation properties and experience the signs and wonders.

7) Make a deal with the devil

We heard Lucifer can be very kind and understanding. The highest he can ask you for is to sell your soul. How much is soul in the market?

8) Tell your lecturer you鈥檝e passed

There鈥檚 power in the tongue, so all you have to do is tell your lecturer that you鈥檝e passed the examination, and then walk out. Nothing else can happen after that. You鈥檝e done it.

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1. Make it 9-in-1

Men don鈥檛 like spending money unnecessarily on one thing when they have three girlfriends, their wives and sugar mummies to take care of. Do some of them have better skincare routines? Yes, but most men still use bath gels that also shampoo and condition their hair so who is the villain here?听

2. You must make men smell like concepts

If other companies that make grooming products for men are still in business then surely this tactic works. Men don’t want to smell like flowers or vanilla, they want to smell like dark temptation, sporty Icy blast, hardwood and wet leather. You are welcome.

3. Dark packages

Just like their hearts, all grooming products for men should be dark. Men don’t need colour in their life. You see, it’s very bad for their aesthetic, how will other men be able to tell that they are alpha males if their shower gel is bright pink?

4. Be serious

When you’re making advertisements for grooming products for men, there’s no need for a plot or story, just go right to it. Tell them what the product does and use the least average looking guy you can find, make sure he is as fuck too. That’s sure to drive the point across.

5. Appeal to their testosterone

Most men don’t like to admit that they care about their appearance, name that product accordingly. Hydrating moisturizer? More like bro’s facial engine oil.  

6. Pander to their need to multiply

For this product to sell, they have to know that they will smell good enough for their partners to lose their minds. Nothing motivates them to buy a product like the possibility of sex. 

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1) Be Invisible

Find a way to turn yourself invisible. How you do it is not our problem, but just find out how to do it. How will they catch you if they can’t see you?

2) Dress like a masquerade

Who wants to accuse a masquerade of being a thief? The best part about dressing as a masquerade is that there is enough space inside their ensembles for you to hide what you steal. Not only is the masquerade outfit a cloaking device, but also a storage facility. Best of both worlds.

3) Be a Nigerian politician

Nigerian politicians are the ultimate thieves. That’s why if you don’t want to get caught, that’s where to be. Pad a budget or two, divert national funding, have some ghost workers and then you’re rolling in billions. If you really don’t want to be caught, then you should belong to the same party as the President. That way, if they do make the mistake of catching you, you’d have Presidential protection.

4) Be the first to shout “ole”

If they’re chasing you while you’re running, then just turn around and start chasing them instead. While you’re running after them, don’t forget to shout Ole!

5) Rub oil all over your body

The statement “as slippery as an eel” is not for beans. To steal without getting caught, you need to embody the spirit of an eel. That’s why you have to rub oil on our body. That way, anyone that tries to catch you will lose their grip. All oils are welcome, except for palm oil. If you use palm oil, they might catch you.

6) Spiritual robbery

Another time they can’t catch you is when you steal in the spirit. Spiritual stealing does not translate to being caught in the physical world.

7) Steal stolen money

If you steal the money someone else has stolen, then they’re unable to report you and get you arrested. Sure, they might spiritually deal with you or gather people to beat you, but that doesn’t matter. As long as you’re not in prison.

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1) Buy social media followers

To fake it till you make it, you need a bunch of fake people to witness your greatness. When you buy yourself followers, people will think you’ve made it in life and will follow you. Since we all know that the Universal sign of a made individual is having lots of followers on social media.

2) Fake your life like Louis Vuitton in Aba market

Fake everything about yourself. You need to be so fake, that NAFDAC is looking for you because you might be a counterfeit product. Everything about you has to be fake. Choose your fake persona carefully, and before you know it, you’re big.

3) Lie like you are interning in hell

When you choose your fake persona and buy a lot of followers, your next step is to lie like you and Satan are having a lying competition. Lie about breakfast, where you shop, where you work, where you sleep, everything. The best way to truly fake it till you make it is to lie about everything. Just randomly tweet “I am tired of having breakfast in Paris.” Nobody asked, but that’s what makes it exciting and provocative. It gets the people going.

4) Use an iPhone

What better way to fake it than to own an iPhone. Everyone knows that an iPhone is the ultimate symbol of wealth and power. What says powerful like carrying a phone with the logo of the forbidden fruit? It even still has the bite mark. Even if you have to steal, buy yourself an iPhone. It is the most important step in faking it.

5) Inspire to pespire before you retire so you can’t expire

Your picture captions don’t have to relate to the image or anything going on with life for that matter. Just join a couple of words together, sprinkle some random images, and ask some of your friends to comment saying things like “deep”, or “many won’t understand this”, or “word”. People will automatically assume you have sense and pay you to do stuff.

6) Have friends as fake as you

The only way to truly live a fake life is to have friends just as fake as you that can help cover for you when you slip up or are found slacking. Your friends should be faker than your fake designer and should be ready to fight for you whenever people call out your fake lifestyle. Also, how else will you be able to fake it till you make it without being “squad goals”.

7)

Nigeria is the perfect example of someone that is faking it till they make it. They keep borrowing to maintain this fake lifestyle, but it’s unfortunate that even after 60 years, Nigeria hasn’t made it. Maybe because the country doesn’t use an iPhone. Buying things is expensive, so why not just borrow them? The best way to fake it till you make it is to borrow everything you use. The phone? Clothes? House? BORROW IT ALL. When they said “borrow borrow make me shine”, they meant it.

8) Give yourself a standard

Set an impossible standard for yourself and constantly find new and creative ways to meet that standard. Do you want to be an influencer? Model? Actor? Tech bro? Whatever your chosen way of making it is, set a standard that will shake the world.

For more on what is inside this life, please click here

So if you鈥檝e been wondering how to sell your latest herbal product, let 91大神 hook you up with a guide on how to market herbal medicine to Nigerians.

1. The packaging must be green 

How else will people know that it was made with natural ingredients? Green signifies health and growth, Nigerians like things like that, just look at our national flag. Okay maybe not that flag, that’s a red flag.

2. It must be affordable 

If your herbal medicine isn’t affordable, and by affordable, we mean 鈧�50-鈧�100, you鈥檙e deceiving yourself because who will buy it? Times are hard, dollar is rising and we鈥檙e saving for japa. If your medicine is not affordable, what is small sickness that we can鈥檛 manage?

3. It must cure Staphylococcus aureus 

And all the aureuses [pronounced arus] in the world. You don’t even have to know what it means but it is guaranteed to make your advert stand out. Nigerians like to hear big words. 

4. It must have an Interesting name 

If you want to capture the hearts and pockets of your customers, make the name of your herbal medicine interesting. Think 鈥淒r Kehinde’s fast relief”, 鈥淏lessed Miracle cleanser鈥�, 鈥淎jase-Ipo tonic super powder.鈥� 鈥淥juelegba low sperm count destroyer.鈥� 鈥淧rofessor Emmanuel鈥檚 womb cleanser’ 鈥�. Be creative! 

5. Your product must use buzz words 

You have a lot of competition and people have short attention spans. You have to use words and illnesses that will quickly catch their attention. Words like 鈥渋nfection, rheumatism, waist pain, low sperm count, jedi jedi” The more the merrier. 

Nigerians love it when one drug can cure many things, especially headaches and body pain because being a Nigerian is tiring. 

6. It must be useful for people鈥檚 sex lives

Don’t overthink this and don’t ask why. Just make sure your herbal medicine can cure low sperm count, fix erectile dysfunction (which you MUST describe as 鈥榳eak erection鈥�), thicken watery sperm, etc. Nigerians can be hush-hush about sex, so when people rush your product you might think it鈥檚 because many people have headaches. That鈥檚 not what they鈥檙e buying it for. At all.

7. Have a funny jingle 

Remember, there’s no need to pay for radio or TV advertisements. Just buy a big megaphone, place it in the middle of a major market and have someone market your herbal medicine wearing a blazer over a t-shirt no matter how hot the sun is. If little kids can’t recite your wildly inappropriate jingle unprovoked, you need to change it. 

8. Make sure it contains ginseng and moringa 

This guarantees that older Nigerians will buy your product. Ginseng is ginger that studied abroad and Nigerians believe that ginger can cure everything. Moringa helps lower your blood pressure. The lower it is, the less likely you are to fight people on the road for no reason.  

9. Be incredibly graphic when describing the diseases that your medicine treats.

Who gives a shit that you鈥檙e in a public bus where people might be eating things like gala and yoghurt? You have medicine to sell, and you will scream at everybody in that danfo about the milky discharge that comes with aureus until they either buy what you鈥檙e selling or throw up in disgust. It鈥檚 their call, to be honest.

10. Now you鈥檙e ready to sell your own herbal medicine

Go forth and froth. Whatever your eye sees, we鈥檙e not there. 

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1. Do not fight your neighbour

Your day could start so much better if you don鈥檛 spend half an hour cursing your neighbour, not even in your head. Did they leave their generator on for an entire night? Yes. Was it annoying? Yes. Do you think they are into money laundering? Yes, but that’s not the point. Manifesting a good Monday is easy, just ignore them, shikena. 

2. Have breakfast

A hungry person is an angry person, and an angry person is the devil’s workshop. If food is inside your stomach, you are less likely to want to kill anybody that tries to talk to you, and you鈥檇 be in a good mood. This Information is tested and trusted by the foodie association of Nigeria

3. Enter a bike

Not every time comfort. For one Monday, ride a bike from your house to your office, let the breeze touch your face and your one life flash before your eyes. Cheating death has a way of putting you in a good mood. 

4. Do something that sparks joy

Treat yourself Monday should be a thing. Deceive your brain into thinking that you are happy. The joy good food gives is underrated and underappreciated but it doesn’t have to be food, it could be buying that shoe that has been sitting in your for a month. 

5.  Make a fire playlist

Music makes everything better. All those songs that have been stuck in your head, put them in one playlist. Listen to it while you take a bath, workout, rush to work and help yourself manifest a good Monday.  

6. Don’t open your email until Tuesday

I promise you, nobody will die. Will you possibly lose your job or get reported to HR? Yes, but the point is that nobody will die.

7. Don’t look at your account balance

After spending money you shouldn’t have during the weekend, the best thing you can do is to ignore the lies in your account balance. Don’t check it, especially not on Monday so you don’t fuck up your mood.

8. Don’t go out

Extend your weekend. How could Monday sneak up on you like that? Who made anyone the chief commander of calendar days? For clear skin, extend your weekend and sleep in abeg, stress is not your portion. 

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1. Establish that you are poor

You shouldn’t have to drink garri for two weeks because you bought Aso-Ebi. It鈥檚 not even your wedding. Make sure you explain how poor you are, so they don鈥檛 keep calling you. They should find someone else to fund their destination honeymoon. If showing up is not enough for them,  my dear, save that cab fare.

2. No gift is too small

听Remember when you first moved into your new place and almost proposed to that person that brought spoons as a housewarming gift? Exactly. Buy what you can afford, abeg. If they want to fight you, give them our number.听

3. Do not sit at the back in the reception

You made the effort to go to a Nigerian wedding and now, you want to spoil it because you are shy? How will you get the souvenirs, especially if you paid for Aso-Ebi? Jazz up.

4. Choose one event and attend it

If you want to go for the church service, good. If it鈥檚 the reception, better. Except you bought in their marriage, I don鈥檛 know why you鈥檇 go for both. Nigerian weddings last for too long.

5. Wear whatever you want

If the bride is going to get upset that your dress looks better than her WEDDING GOWN, clearly she lacked imagination when she was choosing it, and that鈥檚 on her. Wear what makes you feel good, maybe you鈥檒l meet a glucose guardian as that is their main base.

6. Prepare to be depressed

It is easier to tweet that when older people ask you when you鈥檇 get married, you鈥檒l ask them why they haven鈥檛 died but it is hard to say it. If it鈥檚 a family wedding, then sorry to you and all the hot takes you鈥檒l hear from aunties in a thirty-year-old loveless marriage. Airpods were created specifically to block out their voices.

7. Eat听

Does burial rice slap? Yes, but wedding rice slaps just as hard. Nobody will judge you for asking for a take-home pack. They will look at you in all your singleness and give you two packs because they think you are starving. However, if you aren鈥檛 family, please prepare for insort. 

8. Take pictures

One thing about Nigerian weddings is that the venue is mostly picture-worthy. Take as many nice pictures as your phone鈥檚 storage will let you. When I say take pictures, I don鈥檛 mean pictures from those photographers that appear out of nowhere, except you want to pay for something that you鈥檒l end up keeping carelessly. 

9. Have fun

Catch the bouquet if you are into that kind of thing, dance like it鈥檚 your wedding, eat, drink and be merry. If you are out when you should be resting, you might as well have fun.

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1. Mention someone鈥檚 name

Use a generic name like Joanna, Folake, Shade 鈥斕� Make sure it鈥檚 a name people can chant. This is important for when you are performing on stage, so you can ask any girl with that name to join you on stage as the sweetheart musician you are.

2. A cute phone scene

This is an important thing to consider when making a music video. There must be a scene when you and your love interest are on the phone in different rooms. You must be singing into the phone and she can sit looking cute or rolling around her bed and smiling sheepishly for no reason like people in love always do.

3. Go on a date in the video

Please what is a romantic music video without a romantic date? Take her to places people don鈥檛 usually go on their first date, like a paintball arena. Be creative and original. Because after shooting someone they will still love you innit? If you shoot her and she cries, we can鈥檛 assure you of a second date. Don’t blame 91大神

4. Order fried rice

People don鈥檛 do this anymore but if you are shooting a restaurant scene make sure you both order fried rice. Except you are a Lagosian, then you can order creamy pasta. Don鈥檛 let this tradition die.

5. There must be a rain scene

Nothing says romance like a rain scene. Are you really in love if rain is not beating you like a thief? Every musician and their daddies have used this at least once. How do you think the weather for two propaganda started? Don鈥檛 sleep on this.

6. A plot twist

Is there a fine line between music videos and movies? Yes. Are Nigerians aware? No. It can be something small from the love interest in your video being your half-sister, to her resurrecting from the dead.

7. There must be a bad belle

As there are in real life, there must be a bad belle in your music video. Of all the things to consider when making a music video, this is very important. Your bad belle can be everlasting poverty, a greedy father, or even a jealous best friend.

8. Influencer starter pack

It is very telling of your character as a musician if you don鈥檛 have at least one influencer in your video. Who will hype it for you before everyone else watches it?

9. Aesthetics 

You must have a couple of models standing in a place that makes them stand out, like a rowdy market, wearing African designer for no reason. You can also make sure that you are wearing different shades of a particular colour in every scene for the 鈥榓esthetics鈥�.

10. Choose your producer听

This is the most important decision of all…based on your budget. Everyone will judge you based on who you hire to produce your music video so choose wisely before you become a meme we will gladly upload it on our meme site.

听

1) Never use an umbrella

Alpha males allow rain to flog them like someone that stole meat from the market. It is emasculating for any real alpha male to walk around with an umbrella. If you get a cold, remind the cold of who you are, and watch it disappear. Even colds recognise alphas.

2) Chapstick is your worst enemy

How can an alpha male have moisturized lips? The more cracked your lips, the stronger of an alpha you are. This is because the cracked lips represent the difficult roads you have gone through to come out strong.

3) The ashier the knees, the better

Moisturizer is such a feminine trait. Everyone knows that alpha males don’t moisturize their knees. Moisturized knees is a sign of weakness.

4) Only know how to cook noodles

Cooking is an important life skill, but back in the day, alphas did not cook. Now, however, since you are a progressive man and you realise that everyone needs to know how to cook, you must have perfected the art of making noodles.

5) Provide

A good Alpha male must be a provider. Nobody cares who you are providing for or what you provide. Just provide.

6) Don’t drink cocktails

The more bitter and tasteless your drink is, the more masculine you are. Only women drink fruity drinks. A real Alpha doesn’t drink colourful drinks.

7) Be the head

No matter what the situation you find yourself in is like, always beat your chest three times and proclaim you are the head. Only true Alphas can be the head even when they have a boss.

8) Do not wash your ass

The smell from your unwashed ass is what notifies the people around you that they are in the presence of an Alpha male.

9) Enter staring competitions with strangers

The best way to assert your dominance as an alpha is to stare down random people. Whoever looks away first is clearly the weaker person.

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