鈥淒o crypto with Quidax and win from a $60K QDX prize pool!鈥� Bayo, a 28-year-old Lagosian tells Jide, his Ibadan friend seeking the most secure way to trade crypto in Nigeria after a major exchange he trades with announced its plans to leave the country. .

When did you first clock the importance of money?

When I was about 8 years old, I noticed the kids in my neighbourhood came out to play with their bicycles every evening. I felt out of place because I didn鈥檛 have one, and the kids didn鈥檛 let me play with them. I asked my mum to buy me one, and she said, 鈥淵ou鈥檝e not even seen money to eat, you鈥檙e thinking about a bicycle鈥�. 

Me, I wanted to play and make friends, and I thought I could only do that when I had money to buy my own bicycle. 

What was the financial situation at home like?

My dad was a welder for offshore companies, but the early 2000s forced some of these companies to leave the country. Then he didn’t get regular jobs anymore. 

Plus, my dad wasn鈥檛 good with money. Whenever he got a temporary offshore job and got paid well, he鈥檇 spend it on electronic gadgets rather than follow my mum鈥檚 suggestion and invest in a business. I鈥檇 come home from school to find a new television when the old one was still working. Or he鈥檇 do some repairs on his car or buy a new freezer. So, my parents always fought about money.

I鈥檓 the firstborn, so I noticed how his financial habits contributed to the tension at home.

How did your family navigate the periods when he didn鈥檛 have a job?

My mum used to be a stay-at-home mum until things got tough.  Then, she tried many things; from selling fabrics and hawking food to taking cleaning jobs, daycare and catering gigs. Her businesses hardly took off because my dad always came to borrow money, but at least she made sure we weren’t homeless and always brought food home whenever she went for catering gigs.

Watching her try several things for money, coupled with my dad鈥檚 financial habits made me think a lot about money. There was a limit to what I could get because of money, and I just wanted to make my own.

When did you first act on this need to make money?

In SS 1. My mum used to cook for a neighbour occasionally. One day, she had a small get-together and came looking for my mum to cook for her. My mum wasn鈥檛 home, and this lady said I should follow her. She assumed I could cook since my mum was a good cook. I didn鈥檛 tell her I鈥檇 never cooked in my mother鈥檚 house. I followed her home and cooked fried rice. I went from never cooking at all to cooking fried rice at 13 years old.

Please tell me it ended well

Surprisingly, it did. My heart was in my mouth when she tasted it, but she said, 鈥淭his is nice. Your mother taught you well.鈥� She even said I鈥檇 cook for her the next time my mum wasn鈥檛 around. She paid me 鈧�3k, which I used to buy foodstuff and cook for my siblings before my mum returned. I was feeling like a small mummy. My mum was pleasantly surprised when I told her what happened.

Did the cooking gigs become regular?

Somewhat. My mum started passing down jobs to me during the weekends. All the money I made was for the house: I never really thought of it as mine. Besides, the only thing on my mind was finishing secondary school at 16 and doing what was expected of me: studying medicine so I could become a doctor and turn the family鈥檚 fortune around. 

Nigerian millennials everywhere can relate

Well, I failed two core subjects in WAEC in 2011 and couldn鈥檛 get university admission that year. Even worse, it had taken serious convincing for my dad to add to what my mum had scraped together for my WAEC fees. When I failed, he said I was useless and concluded I鈥檇 get married because he had washed his hands off my education.

Since school wasn’t on the horizon, I got a teaching job at a nearby secondary school.

How much did it pay?

鈧�4k/month. I did the job for a few months till some family members convinced my parents to let me write NECO and JAMB. I got into university in 2013. It wasn鈥檛 medicine sha. 

But my dad refused to pay my fees, and my mum had to do a lot of running around to raise my fees. He later chipped in, but it was mostly my mum. It was clear from that moment that I鈥檇 have to take care of myself in school. They鈥檇 settled school fees. Everything else would be on me. 

How did you manage this?

I had a stint serving drinks at a bar three times a week for 鈧�4,500/month. But I stopped after a few months because the male customers kept touching me, and the bar owner was only interested in keeping his customers.

Then, I worked as an attendant at a fuel station for 鈧�7k/month. Since I was still in school, I shared a shift with someone else and only worked half days. I hated the job because I had to stand for hours. I left after about three months.

Also, I had a much older boyfriend 鈥�  I was 19, and he was in his 40s 鈥� who used to give me 鈧�10k – 鈧�15k every other week. He also paid for my hostel accommodation once. 

My boyfriend kept saying he wanted to marry me. I didn鈥檛 mind because he had a two-bedroom apartment, a car, and seemed rich. At least, I鈥檇 be comfortable. Anyway, I saved up most of the money he  gave me and began selling beaded items in school.

Did you make them yourself?

Yes, I did. I鈥檇 make the beads and post them on Facebook. A bead set went for 鈧�2k – 鈧�2,500. My profit on each sale was about 鈧�1k.

On the side, I was making 鈧�5k or 鈧�7k cooking for some Yahoo boys I’d befriended in my apartment building. They liked my food, so the money was regular. 

While that was going on, the guys noticed I was well-spoken and started asking me to check for typos in the messages they wanted to send to 鈥渃lients鈥� to confirm there weren鈥檛 any typos. Sometimes, I鈥檇 edit; other times, I鈥檇 help them write the messages. Anytime they got paid, they鈥檇 give me between 鈧�30k – 鈧�50k as appreciation. The highest I ever got was 鈧�100k.

Those were my major income sources between first year and second year of uni. I was making money 鈥� approximately 鈧�40k weekly 鈥� and even sending some home. Because of that, I stopped paying attention to school. I hardly attended classes because I couldn鈥檛 leave someone calling me to cook for one rubbish class. 

That must鈥檝e affected your grades

It did. I had F parallel during the second semester of my 200 level. I had so many carryovers to write. But I was focused on making money. So, I started selling essential oils, too. I was also trying to raise money to start a hair business. The plan was to get hair from a distributor and resell them. It was lucrative at the time, so I saved everything I made so I could invest in it.

Around this time, my relationship with the older guy had ended, and I met another one online. The new guy was in his 30s and lived in a different city. I think he was the first person who told me he loved me. I told him about my plan to start a hair business and he seemed proud that I was so hardworking. I had saved 鈧�300k+ by that time.

A few weeks after I told him about my plan, he called and said he鈥檇 been in an accident. Then he ended the call. 

An accident?

I was confused too. He was unreachable for the next couple of hours, and I was worried. When he eventually called back, he said he was in the police station. Apparently, he鈥檇 hit a woman and her child with his car, and the police held him, asking for about 鈧�600k. He said his bank app wasn鈥檛 working and asked me to lend him the money, promising to pay back as soon as he was released.

I didn鈥檛 stop to think. I just thought, 鈥淲ell, he鈥檚 my boyfriend鈥� and sent him my entire savings. He encouraged me to borrow the remaining 鈧�200k from people, and I did. After he got the money, I didn鈥檛 hear from him again.

Damn

I didn鈥檛 suspect anything at first. I thought he was still in danger. After three days, I borrowed more money to travel to his city to check on him. I met an empty house, and it was obvious someone had just packed out. I asked a neighbour, and they said they saw him leave a few days ago, and it looked like he was relocating. 

At that point, my whole world shattered. I have no idea how I returned home that day. I was walking on the road, and tears were falling down my face. How could I have been so stupid?

I鈥檓 so sorry

I had lost everything I鈥檇 ever worked for and was about 鈧�300k in debt. I couldn鈥檛 tell anyone what happened. I stopped attending classes and didn鈥檛 even go out. I honestly wanted to die. 

I started to 鈥渂orrow from Peter to pay Paul鈥� when my creditors started calling for their money. I鈥檇 take new loans to pay my old ones. I even used loan apps to fund a gambling habit I developed.

RELATED: The #NairaLife of a Pharmacist Who Overcame a Loan App Addiction

How did you start gambling?

I picked it up from a neighbour. I desperately needed money and I asked him to teach me how to play but he refused because 鈥渂abes no dey do this kind thing鈥�. Instead, he suggested I give him money so he鈥檇 play for me. If he won anything with my money, he鈥檇 take a small percentage and give me the rest. I thought it was a good idea, so I agreed.

I started giving him 鈧�500 – 鈧�1k here and there for him to place bets. I don鈥檛 even know if he was placing the bets or using my money to smoke weed. But every time he鈥檇 come and say the game 鈥渃ut鈥�, and I鈥檇 give him more money for another 鈥渟ure game鈥�. I don鈥檛 know if it was desperation, but I just believed I鈥檇 win big one day and clear all my debts.

Did you win big?

I didn鈥檛 win anything. I was still getting cooking gigs, but they didn鈥檛 come as frequently, and everything I made went into paying loans and feeding. At one point, I dropped out of school completely. I was keeping to myself a lot and my friends just thought I was going through heartbreak. They didn鈥檛 know about the loans. I didn鈥檛 want to ask for help because I felt like I needed to solve everything myself.

I became homeless because I couldn鈥檛 pay rent. I started moving from one friend鈥檚 house to the other. They didn鈥檛 know I was homeless. I鈥檇 just be like, 鈥淚 want to come and stay with you for one week,鈥� and then I鈥檇 move to the next friend. I ended up staying with some of them for up to a month at a stretch. 

It was crazy. I sank into a bad depression and was in limbo from 2015 to 2017. In 2017, I had to open up to my friends because the compounding loans were killing me. They pulled funds together, and I started to clear the loans. But then I saw an investment opportunity that promised to triple my money in two weeks.

Hmmm

See, I was at the mercy of people giving me 鈧�10k – 鈧�20办, and I didn鈥檛 want to rely on that. I wanted to make my own money, too. So, I took 鈧�100k that people had gathered for me and put it in the firm, expecting to make 鈧�300k. That ended terribly. I never saw one kobo.

At that point, it felt like there was no end in sight to the series of bad financial decisions I was making.

Thankfully, my friends helped me clear my debts completely in 2018. That鈥檚 also when my parents realised I鈥檇 dropped out of school.

How?

My mates were already going for NYSC, so they obviously had questions. I told them, and they were so disappointed. I couldn’t even go back home because I was ashamed. By this time, I鈥檇 rented another apartment with a friend鈥檚 help, so I just stayed back around school. 

But I didn’t have a job or business. My mates had finished school and moved on with their lives, and I was still there. 

I had nothing to my name and didn鈥檛 even know who I was. I sank into another depressive period that lasted until 2020. This time, it came with suicidal tendencies. I鈥檇 constantly overdose on drugs, and my neighbours would break down my door and rush me to the hospital.

When I wasn鈥檛 trying to kill myself, I was just existing. I鈥檇 go for days without eating until my friends sent me money. The last time I attempted suicide in 2020, someone told me, 鈥淢aybe you should just die so everyone will rest鈥�. 

Ah

I think, in the end, it was my friends鈥� encouragement that restored my will to live. They kept telling me things would get better, and I started to believe them. I was angry at this 鈥渢hings will get better鈥� statement for a long time, though. I mean, I was a uni dropout in my 20s without a job, no relationship, and even my parents weren鈥檛 talking to me. Where was the 鈥渂etter鈥�? But my friends didn鈥檛 let me give up.

Towards the end of 2020, I decided to return to cooking. It was the constant in my life, and I thought, if I could go to culinary school, I鈥檇 even be able to make a career out of it.

In early 2021, I got two steady clients. Between the two of them, I was sure of at least 鈧�100k/month. 

Things were looking up

A little. But then my mum became hypertensive and had a stroke, and I had to start chipping in money for drugs. She was no longer with my dad, so I was also supporting my siblings in school. For every 鈧�100k I made, more than half went to my siblings and mum. So, that didn鈥檛 help with planning for my life or even culinary school. 

What are things like these days?

Still pretty much the same. One of my siblings is waiting for NYSC and the other one is in final year at uni, and most of my money still goes back home. I really don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 living for myself. There鈥檚 always one need back home, and money is never enough. I have things bookmarked that I鈥檇 like to buy, but I can鈥檛 even think of buying them. I always think of home first.

Do you still rely on cooking gigs?

I learnt how to bake in 2022. Since culinary school wasn鈥檛 an option, I paid about 鈧�300k to learn to make cakes and small chops. 

My plan was to set up a cute pastry shop, but I quickly realised it was capital intensive, so with the help of my friends again, I got a bigger 鈧�300k/year apartment with a big kitchen so I could bake in my kitchen and save on rent. It limits the number of cake orders I can get because some orders require storing products, which is a hassle without a freezer. The last time I priced a small freezer, it was 鈧�185k.

In a good month, I can earn between 鈧�100k – 鈧�150k from baking and cooking gigs. Sometimes, I don鈥檛 earn anything and have to rely on the grace and kindness of my friends. My financial life is very up and down.

You鈥檝e mentioned your friends turning up for you a lot. Do you ever worry about relying on them too much?

All the time. I struggle with asking for help until things are falling apart. Anytime I have to pick my phone to ask for something, I feel regret and shame. These are my agemates, but I have to depend on them again and again. 

My friends probably don鈥檛 feel the same, but I feel like a nuisance. It鈥檚 not great being the broke friend. No matter how kind people are, nothing beats the peace that comes with having my own money. 

Plus, there鈥檚 a way people treat the broke friend. For instance, when my friends do things that piss me off, I can鈥檛 react or call them out because what if they choose to be vindictive and ignore me when I need help? It鈥檚 like I have to give away little parts of my dignity because I need them. 

I鈥檓 also like the last person they think about for events or get-togethers. Like, why send an invite when I probably don鈥檛 even have money to attend? It hurts seeing the people I care about doing fun things and realising I鈥檓 the only one not there. But I can鈥檛 even be angry because if they invite me, I can鈥檛 afford it. 

How many times will I say, 鈥淪orry, I can鈥檛 make it鈥�?

That鈥檚 relatable

But my friends are really good to me o. If not for them, I probably wouldn鈥檛 be alive to talk to you. I met most of them on social media, and they鈥檝e helped my life. I just feel foolish that I can鈥檛 reciprocate. I鈥檓 the friend who writes long notes on birthdays because I can鈥檛 buy a gift. They love the notes, but I want to buy them gifts. I feel inadequate.

Sorry you feel that way. Let鈥檚 break down your monthly expenses

In a month that I earn 鈧�100k, my expenses typically go like this:

It involves a lot of manoeuvring to make it work. My toiletries are just sanitary pads and deodorant. That my savings figure is a delusional thing I like to do. I remove 鈧�10k and put it in a savings app, but then I collect it two days later when I need money. All my money goes into black tax and trying to survive. I honestly feel like I鈥檓 just existing. 

How would you describe your relationship with money?

I always have anxiety no matter how much I have. I feel like there鈥檚 one bill coming that鈥檒l take it all, so I always need more. Money is the only safety I know. I don鈥檛 want to return to the point I was years ago 鈥� gambling and in debt. I want to have so much money to the point where I never have to worry about it again. 

How have your experiences shaped how you think about money?

Money gives you human dignity. Not having it can make you less than human. People can disagree and say, 鈥淏ut you can have a good quality of life without money鈥�. It鈥檚 a lie. I鈥檝e seen poverty, and I鈥檝e seen how people treat me when they think I have money and when they know I鈥檓 completely broke.

It may be unintentional, but there鈥檚 this condescension towards poor people. People are always ready to advise me, like I鈥檓 completely clueless. They say, 鈥淥h, why can鈥檛 you start a business?鈥�. My darling, it鈥檚 money I鈥檒l use to start it. Or 鈥淲hy not learn a tech skill?鈥� Sweetheart, it鈥檚 still money I鈥檒l use to buy a laptop and data. People think I don鈥檛 have money because I鈥檓 stupid. Like all my problems would disappear if I only listened to their advice. 

That鈥檚 a lot to think about. Are you still pursuing culinary school?

Oh yes. It鈥檚 still a dream. I want to become a chef so I can tell my mum I鈥檝e taken her cooking gigs a step further. When this happens, I can confidently say I have a career. You can ask my friends what they do, and they quickly respond, 鈥淪oftware developer鈥�. But I don鈥檛 have one straight answer. I have to start explaining how I bake, cook and write sometimes. That鈥檚 why I need this to happen.

But culinary school would require me to leave my state, move to Lagos, and spend a couple millions on school fees. I don鈥檛 have that yet. I鈥檇 also like to return to school one day and get my degree, but that feels like a far-fetched dream.

How would you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1 鈥� 10?

1. I can鈥檛 afford a good life. I鈥檓 always scraping the bottom. I can鈥檛 even afford to lose 鈧�100 from my account. I鈥檓 always anxious, and it鈥檚 not a great way to live. I feel like I鈥檓 failing at life.

Find all the past Naira Life stories听here.

It鈥檚 easy to get into a wave of sadness as a Nigerian living in Nigeria. The inflation is threatening to choke you, Tinubu鈥檚 government and adulthood are taking turns to suck every ounce of joy in you, you鈥檙e losing loved ones to death and the list goes on and on. How do you rise above it all and fight for your dear life? I asked some Nigerians, and they had useful tips for their fellow citizens.

Call people you love

鈥淗earing my mum鈥檚 voice makes me smile. It doesn鈥檛 matter how bad of a day I鈥檓 having. And I know she鈥檒l end the call with a prayer that鈥檒l most likely send the spirit of sadness away.鈥�

Comfort eat

鈥淔ood is my go-to whenever I鈥檓 having a bad day. It鈥檚 the case for me and my siblings. I remember when we lost my mum some years ago, my brother ordered food that night, and we all just sat together, eating in shared silence.鈥�

Ask God to make me happy

鈥淚 pray about everything, and this includes my happiness. Whenever I feel a wave of sadness coming, I mutter a bible verse under my breath or just ask God to make me happy. It works.鈥�

Tailor your expectations 

鈥淭he saddest moments in my life have been when people break their promises. It pierces through my heart and leaves me a wreck because I鈥檇 never do that. But I鈥檝e learnt to always tailor my expectations of people or things, so I don鈥檛 get as sad when they falter.鈥�

Watch cartoons

鈥淎t my big age, you鈥檒l still find me watching or jumping on the next animated movie that hits the cinema. There鈥檚 something about that make-believe world that excites my imagination and makes me feel like a kid with no worries.鈥�

Some physical activity

鈥淐ould be running, walking or just doing chores around the house. I鈥檝e found that doing something gets me out of my sad zone. There鈥檚 that thing about an idle mind and the devil.鈥�

Including 鈥済enital meet and greet鈥�

鈥淭he quickest way to get me out of a sour mood is sex鈥攐r the thought of it. If I have immediate access, I鈥檓 going for it. If I don鈥檛, I鈥檓 texting my babe and just fantasising about the good time ahead.鈥�

Find your tribe

鈥淟oneliness almost finished me in uni even though it was by my own doing. I was so invested in my studies, and it just made people gravitate away from me. But it got better during my NYSC service. I made friends turned family, and being around them makes me happy. Our virtual calls are just as sweet as physical meetings.鈥�

Speak words of affirmation 

鈥淚鈥檇 have rolled my eyes at anyone who told me I鈥檇 be an advocate for positive speaking two years ago, but that鈥檚 who I am now. That shit works. I wake up every morning and chant 鈥淚t鈥檚 going to be a good day鈥� for as long as I can, and the universe answers. I think more people should do this.鈥�

Next up, take this quiz to know your happy place:

Where鈥檚 Your Happy Place?

I decided to reach out to even more women, and here鈥檚 what seven of them had to say.

鈥淚 think I鈥檓 being punished鈥�

鈥� Ebi*, 52

I had an abortion 20 years ago, and honestly, it was a rushed, emotional decision. I still blame myself, and I think I鈥檓 being punished because I鈥檝e not had another pregnancy since.

This is what happened: I was in a relationship with this man, and we were planning to get married. Then, I got pregnant. According to him, we had to push the wedding till after I gave birth because his culture frowned on pregnant brides. I agreed and moved in with him to have the baby while wedding plans were still undergoing. Four months into the pregnancy, I discovered I was expecting twins. At the same time, my fiance and I started having issues.

To cut the story short, I had a surgical abortion at four and a half months because I didn鈥檛 want to go ahead with the marriage. It was in a hospital, but really hush-hush because it鈥檚 illegal. We broke up, and I later married someone else about six years later, but no child. Doctors say I have a depleted ovarian reserve, but if I didn鈥檛 have the abortion, I鈥檇 have two adult kids today.

鈥淚t gave me a new lease on life鈥�

鈥� Mercy*, 31

I鈥檓 pro-life, and I sometimes feel guilty about my abortion, but it gave me a new lease on life. 

I had it three years ago, a year into my marriage. It was an abusive union 鈥� the abuse started four months after we got married 鈥� and I was already planning how to exit when I found myself pregnant. I didn鈥檛 tell anyone because I didn鈥檛 want anyone to try to change my mind. I鈥檇 already waited almost eight months for him to change, and I knew having a child with him would bind me to him forever. I didn鈥檛 want to end up being yet another figure on the list of domestic violence victims.

I got the abortion pill and did it within two weeks of finding out I was pregnant. It felt like really bad menstrual cramps, and I bled a lot, but it wasn鈥檛 so bad. I got better the next day and packed out the week after. I鈥檓 free. 

鈥淚 don鈥檛 even think about them鈥�

鈥� Anne*, 27

I鈥檝e had two pill abortions, both for the same ex-boyfriend. Each time, I thought I鈥檇 feel guilty about the babies, maybe because of how people try to bad-mouth abortions, but I don鈥檛 even think about them.

It was a choice we both made because we weren鈥檛 ready to be parents 鈥� we weren鈥檛 even thinking about marriage. I鈥檓 now more attentive to birth control and contraceptives, so I don鈥檛 have to go down that route again. But if I get pregnant by mistake, I鈥檒l abort again.

鈥淭he depression is real鈥�

鈥� Dany*, 34

I don鈥檛 think we talk enough about the depression that comes after having an abortion. It鈥檚 real.

I got pregnant at 25, after my boyfriend raped me in the university. I confided in my best friend because there was no way in hell I could tell my parents.

She took me to a clinic, and they gave me two options: or the pill. I was really paranoid about doing a surgical procedure because it seemed like the easiest way to lose my womb, so I opted for the pill. It was horrible. I bled terribly and still had to do the D&C two weeks later after all, because the pill didn鈥檛 evacuate the pregnancy completely. I still had symptoms. 

For three weeks after the whole ordeal, I kept seeing babies in my dream, and I was depressed for a really long time. I鈥檓 married now and have one child, but I can鈥檛 forget the one I didn鈥檛 allow to live. 

RELATED: What She Said: I Had an Abortion, I Regretted It

鈥淚 wouldn鈥檛 advise anyone to do it鈥�

鈥� Sade*, 41

I鈥檝e had two abortions; one while I was single, and the other after giving birth to my four children (my husband and I couldn鈥檛 afford a fifth), but I wouldn鈥檛 advise anyone to do it.

It鈥檚 too risky, and I know many women who鈥檝e had complications because they had to do it under the table since abortion is still illegal in Nigeria. No standard doctor would want to do it because they鈥檇 risk losing their license, so we鈥檙e left with the ones who just don鈥檛 care. I鈥檓 just lucky not to have had any complications.

My first abortion was done traditionally. A local midwife inserted a leaf in my vagina, and within six hours, I started bleeding. My husband and I had to bribe a doctor to help us with the second one. I was scared, but I already have four children; there鈥檚 nothing I鈥檓 using the womb to do again. Thankfully, it went well, and I fully recovered within three days.

鈥淚t shouldn鈥檛 stop you from having kids鈥�

鈥� Mina*, 20

I had a pill abortion at 19, and only my girlfriends knew. One of them was heavily against it, though. She said she had a dream that I couldn鈥檛 have more children. I鈥檓 still in school and can鈥檛 even provide for myself talk more of a baby, so it was the sensible thing to do. I tried not to take her seriously and went ahead with it, but it was eating me up for a while. So a few months ago, I went to a gynaecologist for a full check-up.

The doctor confirmed all was well and emphasised that an abortion, when done properly, shouldn鈥檛 stop you from having kids. I think most people are scared because there鈥檚 so much misinformation in Nigeria.

鈥淚 think I died鈥�

鈥� Sophie*, 29

I鈥檝e had an since I was 24, so I was really surprised when I got pregnant in 2022. I told my boyfriend; the goat ghosted me. I got information online and bought an abortion pill because single parenthood isn鈥檛 in my dictionary.

I took the pill and mentally prepared myself, but I think I died. I blacked out for about three hours and woke up bleeding. I鈥檓 not sure what happened. Maybe I got dizzy and fainted, but I lost about three hours. I bled for two days, did another pregnancy test after a week, and it came back negative.

A part of me feels I should鈥檝e kept the baby. I鈥檓 pushing 30, after all. I feel guilty whenever I see a pregnant woman on Instagram, but we move. Being a single mother would hurt my chances of getting into a serious relationship even further. 

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: My Husband Woke Up One Day and Decided to Join Politics

If you ever manage to glimpse my YouTube watch history, I promise I鈥檓 not obsessed with Gordon Ramsey. Instead, zoom into those video thumbnails and see the image of my one, true love 鈥� spaghetti. 

We鈥檝e been skin-tight since 2021, Spaghetti and I. I鈥檒l have to thank my depression for introducing us. The bigger picture here is that you can eat your way to happiness. Hear me out.

Grab the closest skillet you can find. Fill it up with water and bring to a boil. Now, I wasn鈥檛 born depressed. At least, I remember being five and wanting to dance all the time. I loved Michael Jackson and practised his moonwalk non-stop. My parents fed me every day. I went to school, came home and did homework. As a teenager, I annoyed my siblings and hung out with my friends, you know, normal kid stuff. So it鈥檚 hard to say when I began to fall apart.

What I know for sure is that I lost someone I loved very dearly in July of 2021, and it stung like a bitch. Though, yes, most of 2021 was a shitshow, the grief from that one singular loss pressed down upon me like the heaviest blanket. 

Is the water boiling? Toss in a generous amount of salt. Go wild with the salt, you want that water salty. Open your pack of spaghetti, throw in your version of one person鈥檚 serving into the skillet and cover. 

My depression diagnosis came because I鈥檇 unintentionally hurt my friend when I disappeared from her life. I felt bad that I was making her feel bad, and so with her seated on my bed, I booked an appointment with a doctor. One online evaluation later, I was staring at two options: psychotherapy (too expensive) or medication (pills, ugh!)

Now鈥檚 the time to cook the Guanciale (cured pork cheek). Don鈥檛 worry if you can鈥檛 find that; bacon works fine. What you want to do is cut the meat into one-inch cubes and toss it into a pan or skillet under medium heat. Don鈥檛 forget to throw in a bit of butter.

Coconut head that I am, I told myself, 鈥淚鈥檓 only a little sad, I鈥檒l make some spaghetti and be happy again.鈥� Your comfort food tends to be personal. Maybe it reminds you of something from your childhood or just the act of eating itself grounds you. People stress eat, but that鈥檚 not what this is about. I鈥檓 talking about the bowl of [insert favourite food] that seizes your attention (and taste buds) for a few minutes. 

Spaghetti was my food of choice because it allowed me to be lazy. Inside the pockets of depression where I lived, I was always tired. Always sad and always numb. Check on your spaghetti right about now. You want to cook it until it鈥檚 al dent茅 鈥� not cooked all the way through.

Once your spaghetti is almost cooked through, turn off the heat and dump it into the pan with your cooking meat. Remember that everything is happening quickly. Grab about half a cup of your pasta water and pour it into the spaghetti + meat mixture. Turn your heat all the way up and toss vigorously. Put your elbow into it, your ancestors are watching!

Discovering Spaghetti Carbonara was an accident. My depression led me through a period when I lived on spaghetti and ketchup for weeks. That ugly splash of ketchup across the spaghetti strands looked like depression in a bowl. After I ran out of ketchup, I made a list of the items left in my fridge and threw them at Google for something, anything, to eat. 

Enter Gordon Ramsey and his Spaghetti Carbonara recipe. Filmed on a mobile phone by his daughter, the video was fast-paced and had a lot of jokes. The best part? How every second of the video left no space for thinking 鈥� just cutting, tossing and good vibes. It was perfect, delicious and easy enough that I nailed the recipe on my first try.

In my saddest moments, I start with a skillet of boiling water and run along the steps it takes until there鈥檚 a creamy dish in my bowl. I love the way my brain stops circling the dead thing it carries and shifts its attention towards making the best damn bowl of spaghetti. Comfort food won鈥檛 kill our sadness and it won鈥檛 reverse our grief, but it will give us the space to consider anything else but the grief.

With your tossed spaghetti in the pan, meat soaked and pasta water combined, turn off the heat completely. Very quickly crack two eggs and separate the yolks into a bowl. It鈥檚 traditional (I mean Italian, which is where the dish is from) to grate some Parmesan Reggiano into the egg yolks, but you have my permission to skip this.

Lightly salt the eggs and beat until homogenous. Pour the egg yolks into your spaghetti and toss very quickly, allowing just the heat from the spaghetti to slightly cook the eggs. You don鈥檛 want the eggs to scramble, and this is why we turned off the heat.

Serve in a bowl, dust it off with some black pepper, and there you go 鈥� happiness. 

It鈥檚 beautiful, isn鈥檛 it? 

I鈥檒l usually open a bottle of beer with mine, but please, you do you!

For however long we spend cooking and eating (just eating is also fine), we can learn to live beside our grief, instead of being crushed by it. My friend is even more stubborn than I am and does not believe in my spaghetti therapy. If I do end up on antidepressants, someone please tell me I won鈥檛 be too numb to still make spaghetti?

ALSO READ: 7 Meals You Can Eat on Sunday Instead of Rice

Hear Me Out is a brand new limited series from 91大神, and you can check back every Saturday by 9 a.m. for new episodes from Ifoghale and Ibukun.

The subject of today鈥檚 Sex Life is a 24-year-old pansexual woman with bipolar disorder and depression. She talks about prefering dry humping to touching herself as a coping mechanism, her love for sex leading her to chase orgasms, and the effect of her antidepressants and mood stabilisers on her sex life.

Tell me about your first sexual experience 

I humped a toy on my bed while pretending I was Gabriella from High School Musical,  and Troy was talking to me. I didn鈥檛 have an orgasm, but it felt nice. I was 8.

How did you know what humping was at 8? 

At the time, I technically didn鈥檛. While I was pretending to be Gabriella, I just did what felt right in that moment. Humping the toy made me feel good, so I did it. 

After the Troy and Gabriella incident, I didn鈥檛 feel the need to try humping anything till I was 9. I was on the floor of my grandma鈥檚 house reading my 耻苍肠濒别鈥檚 copy of a Danielle Steele book.听

While reading, I felt like I wanted to pee. I liked how it felt and bunched up the wrapper I was tying. I humped it till I came. It was my very first orgasm, and I tried so hard to recreate it. 

I got an orgasm the next day by humping another thing I owned. I鈥檓 very relentless in chasing orgasms, and it started when I was a child. It got so bad, I thought I was addicted. 

How bad did it get? 

I moved to a boarding school at 13 years old. You鈥檇 think being in a boarding school would stop me, but it didn鈥檛. I brought a toy plushie with me to school for humping. I also hid in empty classrooms to hump a sweater. 

I was masturbating like three times a day, humping different things because that was the only way I knew how. I was Madam Humps-A-Lot.

Why do you think you were so into it? 

I was a very unhappy child. I was either masturbating or self-harming 鈥� I would take my release anywhere I found it, and humping was that place. It also helped me sleep.

I tried other things, like touching myself, but it never felt right. The rhythm was off, and I couldn鈥檛 replicate the orgasmic feeling humping gave me. 

All right. Let鈥檚 talk about sex with other people. When was your first time?

I was 17 years old, and it was with my then-girlfriend. We were able to recreate that orgasmic feeling I got from humping. We tried every single form of sex that one can have without a penis, and it was awesome. 

The year we started dating was the peak of my mental health issues. I was in SS 3, applying to universities I had no chance of getting into, and it was making me anxious. I wasn鈥檛 eating and I was oversleeping. I went through periods where I refused to look anyone in the eye because I felt like a failure. I was self-harming every other day, but she took care of me. 

She wasn鈥檛 too scared to walk on eggshells around me and was genuinely interested in making sure I was as okay as possible. That turned me on all the time.

This didn鈥檛 mean I stopped humping sha because we couldn鈥檛 have sex all the time. I didn鈥檛 start hacking other forms of masturbation till I was 21 years old. By this time, I had already started having penetrative sex. 

Wait, let鈥檚 take it back. Penetrative sex? 

The first time I had penetrative sex was when I was 18 years old. My then-girlfriend and I had broken up because school had ended. 

I woke up that day in June and decided I was tired of my hymen. That鈥檚 when I told a guy to come over. 

The sex was extremely painful. It wasn鈥檛 a particularly good experience because I kept cringing when he touched me, and he just grabbed me and shoved it in. 

After that experience, I saw him for six weeks though I hated it and hated every time he touched me. It was even supposed to be a one-time thing, but he told me he liked me and I felt flattered. I didn鈥檛 like sex for a very long time after those six weeks. 

How long is a long time? 

7 months. I wasn鈥檛 able to have sex again till January. 

When Christmas break ended, my friend linked me up with this man who brought my vagina back to life. Sex with him hurt, but in a good way. I particularly enjoyed his reactions when we had sex 鈥� he didn鈥檛 hold back expressing his enjoyment.. 

From then on, I started to spread my legs with careless abandon. I鈥檓 one of those people that loves to experience things. So an opportunity for a new experience comes, and I鈥檇 take it. I was having as much sex as I could.听 Plus carelessly spreading my legs led me to the man who taught me how to masturbate properly.听

Please explain. 

We didn鈥檛 have a masturbating lesson or anything like that. We were having sex, and he played with my clit til I came. I remember being shocked and trembling while he held me. I went there expecting to suck the soul out of his dick, but here I was shaking from my soul. 

No man had ever made me cum by touching me before. I鈥檇 had plenty of orgasms, but none had been gotten by a man simply rubbing my clit. I tried to replicate what he did when it was just me, and that鈥檚 when I hacked masturbation with my fingers. I now know the pattern that works. and I masturbate often. I think frequent masturbation is healthy, but all that became difficult once I got on meds. 

What meds? 

Well, antidepressants for my depression and mood stabilisers because I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I鈥檝e been on and off treatment for depression since I was 15. 

I had a really bad episode in secondary school that got me suspended. The terms for my return were that a psychologist had to prove I wasn鈥檛 a danger to anyone else. I鈥檝e never been violent toward others, but the violence I showed myself freaked people out. My dad wasn鈥檛 happy to hear that I was self-harming, but he wanted me to get back to school. 

I was on antidepressant for a year. As soon as those meds were done, I knew I didn鈥檛 want any more of it. 

But you got more? 

At 20 years old, I  went to a mental health institution and got put on medication again. I stayed on it for two months before I went off. 

Why? 

The first time I had sex while on my medication, I couldn鈥檛 get very wet and was drying out super quick. I got frustrated too and then we ran out of lube. So I let him finish and then went home to sleep. 

When I tried masturbating, it didn鈥檛 work. I wasn鈥檛 horny or as wet as I should have been. 

How did you know it was the meds? 

I鈥檓 a psychology major, so I did have a bit of knowledge of what happens when you鈥檙e on medication. I just never made the connection to myself until I tried to masturbate and absolutely nothing was happening. That鈥檚 when I talked to one of my friends who was on the same medication and had an 鈥渁ha鈥� moment. 

The thing about the medication is that they make me feel worse for at least the first 2-4 weeks. When I start them, I鈥檓 the unhappiest and most suicidal you鈥檇 find me. My mind hardly ever goes to sex, and I鈥檓 just stressed all the time. Not being able to masturbate makes me upset. 

The emotions  eventually balance out and I feel better, but my sex drive disappears for at least six months. It鈥檚 torture. 

I鈥檓 sorry.

Most of the time when someone I like turns me on during sex, I don鈥檛 need lube. Like at all. When I鈥檓 on my meds, I use all the lube I can get, and I still won鈥檛 orgasm. The sex doesn鈥檛 feel as good.听

How long have you been on your meds? 

I was on this current set of medication for 6-7 weeks, but I went off my medication in late February, 2022. 

Why? 

One of the people I鈥檓 currently sleeping with has a penis that鈥檚 too sweet. I need one thing to go well for me in this life. I deserve good sex. 

Did you go off your meds for penis? 

Something like that. I nearly lost my job because my meds had me fucked up. I couldn鈥檛 physically make myself do anything. I was barely getting out of bed. 

I hated myself for feeling this way too. I know I should鈥檝e been patient and let the effects wear off, but omo. When they told me at work that they were letting me go because I was underperforming, I had to stop the medication. I needed a break. 

How鈥檚 the break going?

Well, I鈥檓 currently trying to convince myself that drinking sniper is not a very bad bitch thing to do. 

So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

A 6 or 7. I鈥檓 currently having good sex with a lot of people, but I want a partner or my own. I just want a partner who knows how to give painful pleasure and isn鈥檛 a complete dickhead. 

As Nigerians, especially men, talking about your feelings or addressing mental health issues don鈥檛 always come naturally. Thanks to years of social and religious conditioning, we have been taught to either stay silent or seek spiritual solutions to our problems. With the world slowly changing to allow for open conversations, 91大神 spoke to five young Nigerian men in their 20s about their experiences with therapy and what they鈥檝e learned (if they learned anything at all).听

Caleb, 22

I have been in therapy for eight months. I realized earlier this year that I no longer wanted to be alive. I didn鈥檛 want to kill myself, but I silently prayed for death. I had to go in for therapy based on my professor鈥檚 suggestion. We had taken a random Beck鈥檚 Depression Inventory (BDI) test in class and it showed that I had a severe case of depression. I have to admit that it was weird at first 鈥� you鈥檙e essentially opening yourself up to a stranger, but I鈥檓 glad it passed.听

One thing I鈥檝e learned is that therapy isn鈥檛 a quick fix. It鈥檚 given me a sense of self-awareness that I have to keep putting in the work if I want to see changes. Before therapy, I had told my family how I was feeling but they couldn鈥檛 help interrogate what was wrong in the way I needed. We (men) haven鈥檛 been raised in a society that doesn’t understands how complex the mind is. Whenever there鈥檚 a suicide report or awareness about men鈥檚 mental health, we talk about paying attention, but people aren鈥檛 even learning to listen to their friends talk. Worse, we鈥檙e not learning to respond appropriately.听

Somadina, 26

I felt the need to see a therapist because I knew I needed to talk to a professional, a stranger that wouldn鈥檛 judge me. I suffer from depression and was once suicidal. Despite all of this, I couldn鈥檛 make it past two sessions because I couldn鈥檛 connect with my therapist at all. I remember talking to her about being an only child and she told me to go out and make new friends. Ma鈥檃m, I have friends and in case you鈥檝e forgotten, we鈥檙e in a panini. Before therapy, and even now, I found it hard to talk to people about my issues because they鈥檇 either judge me or add to my problems. Some might even think you鈥檙e being dramatic or you鈥檙e overthinking things. My two sessions showed me that therapists aren鈥檛 problem solvers; this doesn鈥檛 mean that I鈥檝e given up. I鈥檓 currently on the lookout for a new therapist. 

Daniel, 25

Let me start by saying I鈥檓 a pastor鈥檚 kid and the first male child in an Igbo family, that alone is cause for therapy. As Nigerians, we are taught to swallow our pain, cast all our cares on an 鈥淎lmighty God鈥� and not bring shame to our families. Between 2015 and 2017, I attempted suicide about five times. My friends connected me with my first therapist after they got wind of my last attempt. However, I couldn’t make it past one session with my first therapist as she started with prayers, suggesting that I pray to God to 鈥渢ake away鈥� my sexuality. Thankfully, I found another therapist, a queer man who helped me navigate my life for the six months I was in therapy. Going to therapy helped me accept my sexuality and learn how to extend grace to people to learn and unlearn. I am currently considering going back to therapy to handle the weight of my life.

Jamal, 27 

While I鈥檒l say I鈥檝e always had a pretty good life, I had to consider therapy when I realized I was always sad and only a hair鈥檚 breadth from bursting into tears. I鈥檝e been going for six months now; I saw a clinical psychologist for three months but I wasn’t getting better so I switched to an actual psychiatrist. I wouldn鈥檛 say I鈥檝e learned anything new, the entire process is just boring AF! I thought I鈥檇 unearth some profound truth about myself, but it hasn’t been the case. People see it as this inherently good thing even when it鈥檚 not entirely necessary. That鈥檚 not to say I haven鈥檛 benefited from it though, it鈥檚 just not as life-changing as I thought. Also, I have to keep going if I want them to keep giving me antidepressants.听

Kelechi, 27

I鈥檝e been going to therapy on and off for about three years now. I was suffering from debilitating anxiety and I would hyperventilate a lot. I also had issues accepting my queerness because I didn鈥檛 fit in with the LGBTQ+ community and there were hard times in my relationship with my family. I鈥檝e had two therapists so far, but I had to leave the first one because I felt we were a little bit too similar. She didn鈥檛 challenge me much and I needed someone to call me out on my bullshit. While my new therapist talks too much, he鈥檚 helped me understand the importance of addressing conflicts immediately they arise. It鈥檚 nice to have someone that challenges me and I can鈥檛 get mad at him because it鈥檚 his job.听

The subject of today鈥檚 What She Said is a 24-year-old woman who talks about studying pharmacy to please her parents, getting withdrawn from school after failing a semester, and finally studying what she wanted.

Let’s talk about your childhood

Growing up, I was a very shy child. I wanted to be noticed and to also stand out, so I decided I would be either a journalist or a military woman. However, as I grew older, that changed. 

When I was 12, I fell in love with agricultural science when I was taught in school. Seeing green leaves and plants made me feel excited, so I told my mother I wanted to study that. 

What did she say? 

She actually didn’t say anything. What she did was to tell my dad. There’s nothing you tell my mum that she won’t relay back to him. 

One day, while my dad and I were out, he brought it up. He didn’t tell me directly to study medicine instead, but it was there. 

When I was 13, my brother wrote . My dad wanted him to fill medicine as his course of study, but he refused. I remember seeing the hurt in my dad’s eyes. In that moment, I made up my mind that I’d study medicine and please him. My plan was to farm as a hobby once I made money.听

So, you studied medicine? 

I actually didn’t, but I didn’t study agricultural sciences either. I applied for a medicine related course 鈥� pharmacy instead. I felt I couldn鈥檛 do medicine because I wasn鈥檛 exceptionally smart. Plus, since it was a medicine-related professional course, I鈥檇 still work in the hospital. 

How did your dad take it? 

Initially, he was annoyed when he found out that I didn鈥檛 choose to study medicine, but I explained to him that although I had a high chance of getting a good jamb score, it might not be good enough to get me medicine because of how competitive the course is. It鈥檚 funny because I was actually right. All the people that got around the same score I got were given either veterinary medicine, biochemistry, anatomy, physiology or microbiology. 

How did studying pharmacy go? 

It started off sort of well. I had one carryover in my first semester and I doubt I ever recovered from it. I got the carryover because they had changed the test format. I thought the test was objective, and so I read for that, only for them to make the test subjective. I cried so much when I saw the result because that was the first ever major failure I had gotten in my life. 

I was determined to bounce back in my second year, but it was hard because I couldn鈥檛 take some courses until I passed my carryover. From my very first year studying pharmacy, I knew I was going to have an extra year. 

Omo, that鈥檚 tough.

It gets worse. In my third year, I carried over almost all the courses I took. There was no definite reason why. It was rather, a combination of a lot of things. I was sad, tired, and exhausted. I had a lot of clashing classes because of the courses I was still taking from my lower class. Studying got even harder to do. There were back to back tests and I was extremely anxious because I was scared of failing again. It was a really difficult year for me. 

I鈥檓 so sorry. Did your dad know?

He didn鈥檛. I was too ashamed to call home. I wanted to fight all on my own, so I decided to repeat the entire session so I could retake all the courses I failed. To my surprise, I failed again. This time, it was because I fell sick during exams. My test results were good, but the exams were awful. It destroyed my CGPA, and I was placed on probation by the school. 

Honestly, I should have applied for a deferral. It鈥檚 just that the thought didn鈥檛 cross my mind until one of my lecturers saw me repeating a class. When I told him I fell sick, he mentioned the deferral, but it was already too late. I was on probation. 

It was after being put on probation I decided to tell my dad what was going on. We spoke extensively, and I still convinced him I could do it. So, I pushed on to year five, with courses from year three and four still on my neck and a probation. 

I managed to pass, but my overall CGPA was not enough to get me out of probation. I was constantly praying for death. I鈥檇 rather die than see myself disappoint my father.

Having pcos didn鈥檛 make it easier for me. The increased anxiety and depression PCOS brings made everything even harder.

I鈥檓 so sorry. PCOS too?听

The first time I had my period was when I was 11, and it was absolutely painful. Since then, it comes about once or twice a year. Nobody enjoys seeing their period, so I wasn鈥檛 bothered because I felt I was God鈥檚 favourite. 

In 2017, I went to see my gynaecologist to complain about my lack of a period. After some tests and ultrasounds, I was diagnosed with PCOS. However, I only decided to get treatment for it in 2018 because the people around me were worried by the fact that I hardly ever saw my period. When I went to the hospital, the doctor told me that I didn鈥檛 need to worry about it and should come back when I want to have a baby.听

Do you intend on going back? 

Not really. The fact that I don鈥檛 see my period regularly doesn鈥檛 bother me. I even prefer it this way. What does bother me is the other side effects like anxiety, depression, weight gain, acne and a host of others. Even the infertility aspect doesn鈥檛 bother me as much. I鈥檓 a muslim woman, and if my husband marries more than one wife, I could help take care of my stepchildren. Also, I鈥檓 very open to the idea of adoption. 

When was the last time you saw your period?

In March, after my gynaecologist placed me on some medication. I bled for 20 days consecutively and decided I didn鈥檛 want to do that anymore, so I stopped taking the medication. I can鈥檛 be dealing with school and never ending bleeding. 

Yes, about school. What now? 

Well, because my CGPA wasn鈥檛 enough to get me out of probation, I was withdrawn from the faculty of pharmacy in my final year. Then, I reapplied for a change of course to the agriculture department.

How is that going? 

They haven鈥檛 approved my application yet, so my parents are still trying to convince me to study pharmacy again, but I don鈥檛 think I can. If my application is denied, I鈥檇 rewrite JAMB next year and apply for agriculture. 

Do you think all of this could have been avoided if you just studied Agriculture from the beginning? 

Honestly? Yes, I do. Agriculture is a four year course. It doesn鈥檛 have a schedule as tight as pharmacy, and I genuinely enjoy it. They also wouldn鈥檛 have asked me to withdraw from the faculty because I have a CGPA that鈥檚 less than a 2.4. 

Does that make you resent your parents? 

No, it doesn鈥檛. Why will I resent them because I failed? I wouldn鈥檛 have if I had passed and gotten good grades.听

What鈥檚 next for you now? 

Trying to get my life together again. I don鈥檛 sleep as often at night anymore because I keep thinking of how I can no longer be dependent on my parents. I also worry about failing agricultural sciences. What then will I do with my life? It鈥檚 only book I know; I鈥檓 not a business person. I just need everything to work out for me. 

I hope everything works out well for you.

Thank you.

[donation]

After the went out on Saturday, I got an email back from a woman who wanted to talk to me. She said she lost someone precious to her, and it was all her fault. So, I got her number and we had this conversation on WhatsApp.

Names are changed for the purpose of anonymity

How we met

It took me three years to get admission into the university. During that time, I was attending a tutorial in Ibadan, and that is how I met Paul, a friend of my friend. My friend introduced us and we got really close. After talking for a while, I discovered I like him. The feelings were mutual, so we started dating on my birthday, November 7th. I had just clocked 18, he was 17, and I wasn’t looking for a relationship then, but I just knew I couldn’t let Paul go away.

The thing is; I have suffered emotional abuse and have been depressed for a while now. I have been molested twice, and I couldn’t even tell my own mother because she was always so harsh towards me. It got so bad that I even had to leave home to stay with my aunt. I had attempted suicide twice, and I have a lot of insecurities. Paul was there for me anytime I needed someone to talk to. He loved me and I always wondered why. He knows all my flaws, but I still could not understand why he loves me so much.

The first mistake

It was the best relationship I ever had. He was understanding, helped with my depression and academics. We never had serious fights, just a few misunderstandings over little things. Everything was going good for a year until I met some guy on Facebook, John. John and I started talking, and the chats progressed to the point where he asked me to send him nudes. I sent some with my face hidden because I was so sure I would never see him in real life. He lived in Lagos, I lived in Ibadan, and I didn’t plan on sleeping with him. Unfortunately for me, he attended the same secondary school as Paul. One day, John posted my picture on his WhatsApp status, and Paul saw it. Paul asked how he knew me, and John told him everything. Paul forgave me, but I knew he was hurt.

The second mistake

In 2019, I finally got admission into University, but I somehow got scammed of my acceptance fee. I couldn’t tell my parents or Paul because I felt so stupid. Instead, lied to him that my parents couldn’t pay the acceptance fee, I couldn’t tell him the truth. Covid-19 came, so schools couldn’t resume and the deadline for payment was up. I was planning on running away cause of shame, so I wanted to break up with Paul. I was stressed. One day I went to see a friend, and I ended up drinking with him. We almost had sex, but I was on my period so it didn’t happen. I initially didn’t tell Paul about it, but I eventually told him about how I went drinking and how I almost cheated. He was disappointed but forgave me.

The third mistake

The money for the initial acceptance fee was something I eventually raised, but because I was paying late, the price had increased. I was so desperate, and because my parents were having financial issues, I was ready to sleep with anyone for money for my school fees. Then, I met this guy who promised to take care of me, and I slept with him thinking he’ll help. I keep texting and sexting him so he would feel interested, but hasn’t said anything. This led to me breaking up with Paul. I told him it was because I needed time to be alone, but it was really because I couldn’t tell him I cheated on him.

The end

Paul and I eventually got back together, but it was because he did not know I cheated. He found out after reading my chats, so he left. I tried explaining to him how I only did it because I was desperate, but he thought I chose the man over him.

I feel bad and selfish about what I did. He deserved better than me, and I wish he listened when I told him before we started dating. This is just the kind of person I am. When I think of the fact that the person I slept with didn’t even give me any money, I feel I lost both ways.

I will probably sink deeper into depression because I finally lost the only person that ever cared. Paul is a good person that didn’t deserve any of the things I put him through. If I say I love him, it’ll surely look like a lie because you don’t hurt those you love, but I love him. I should just have done better.

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Men suffering from depression are four times more likely to commit suicide than women. Worsened by the fact that men are often in denial of their feelings, depression is often overlooked and ignored in men. September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day. To raise awareness on the dangers of unacknowledged and untreated depression, we talked to 4 men about their struggles with depression and how they鈥檝e found hope.

Bolu, 22

Last year, I tried to kill myself. I felt empty, without purpose or ambition. I was convinced I was an unloved waste of space and money and that life wasn鈥檛 worth it. I suffered from incessant mood swings, anger issues, erratic sleeping patterns, memory loss and didn鈥檛 take baths unless I had to go out. After my suicide attempt, I tried to contact a mental awareness organisation who didn鈥檛 reply to me until my third contact. They sent a bunch of hospital options, most of which were pretty far from me.

I called one of the options in Lekki and I was told I鈥檇 need N100,000 to register, which I definitely couldn鈥檛 afford. So I called the Yaba Psychiatric hospital. I was told I only needed to pay N4,000 to register there. When I got there, I met with an off-duty doctor who told me they only attended to serious cases there and referred me to the Oshodi annex of the hospital.

At the Oshodi Annex, I recounted my experience at  Yaba to the doctor who told me that the Yaba doctor had lied to me, for reasons unknown. She said I should have been attended to. Unfortunately, I didn鈥檛 get the name of the doctor, so we couldn鈥檛 follow-up.

I registered as an outpatient at the Oshodi annex and was placed on a regimen of drugs and therapy in January. After three months and two changes in my medication and dosage, I started to notice changes. Some of the meds had side effects like making me unable to orgasm.

On the whole, I鈥檓 feeling much better than I used to. I haven鈥檛 had a suicidal thought in several months. I still lack drive and ambition but I鈥檇 say I鈥檓 a work in progress.

Abdulazeez, 22

I鈥檝e never had a good record of mental health. My first two suicide attempts were in secondary school. It was a really rough period for me: I struggled internally with my sexuality, masturbation, religion and morality. I tried and failed to kill myself by jumping off a ladder.

I didn鈥檛 know how to deal with my personality and hyperactive mind, so I began to self-mutilate (cut myself). The pain was my coping mechanism for getting through all the mental turmoil. 

In uni, the mental torture continued because I didn鈥檛 address the underlying issues. Relationships became toxic and I was devastated because I felt like I was a social anathema. I tried to kill myself at different times by slashing my wrists and overdosing on drugs but I lost heart. I still have a lot of scars on my wrists from all the attempts.

I haven鈥檛 gotten help yet because I can鈥檛 afford it so I spend a shit ton of time on self-help and psychology videos on YouTube. I feel much better now and I feel less inclined to kill myself. I still need a professional psychologist to help me unearth all the underlying issues. It鈥檒l be a part of my budget when I start working.

I don鈥檛 feel like going to most Nigerian government hospitals; I鈥檓 a bi-curious polyamorous baddie with daddy issues and Nigerian therapists are basically like pastors, with all their religious talks.

Daniel, 25

My depression began by being disillusioned by everything around me after I experienced sexual abuse when I was 10. Because I couldn鈥檛 tell anyone, I ended up withdrawing into a shell, which is my default mode now. People constantly called me a sadist because I never smiled or engaged with anyone, which made me retreat further into myself.

By the time I was in JSS3, I already made plans on how I’d kill myself, if I decided to do so. I became really interested in mass shootings like Columbine and Virginia Tech but I found a support group that silenced the voice. By the time I entered uni, the voice resurfaced and became so bad that I started actively avoiding being alone because I wasn鈥檛 sure what I鈥檇 do. It was also in uni that I completely gave up on therapy because they all has religious leanings. It annoyed me further because the person who abused me in the first place was a religious figure.

Because I wanted to be far from my family and be able to commit suicide without feeling guilty, I opted to go to the Abuja campus of the Nigerian Law School. Fortunately, I found a support group and I didn鈥檛 go through with it.

I have tried to commit suicide twice but both times, I wimped out and puked out the pills. Now, I鈥檓 on medication that helps me. While my mind still flirts with thoughts of suicide, I somehow haven鈥檛 descended to the depths I had reached before.

Lanre, 29

I occasionally experience waves of depression and strong suicide ideation. The depressive episodes come in waves, so I have on and off days. I鈥檝e not gone through with actually killing myself because I want to live forever. 

 I used to be on medication but I stopped because they were pricey. Also, I started exploring non-medical approaches to dealing with my feelings. Now, I have support groups. I don鈥檛 feel like I鈥檓 all the way there, but I鈥檓 definitely not as bad as I used to be.

Read: 6 Nigerian Woman Share Their Mental Health Journey

Man Like 鈥� A series about men, for men, by men. Every Sunday by 12PM.

Tell me, did it come in trickles, or like a strong wave?

It started as trickles in January 2018, then all at once. I didn鈥檛 even know exactly what it was, but much of the realisation came from my friend, a doctor. 

He kept hammering it at the time, 鈥測ou need to sleep, or find a way to sleep. Clear your room, keep it aerated. Start sleeping. Force yourself to sleep.鈥�

But, the sleep wasn鈥檛 coming. I had too many things on my mind, and everything just began to spiral out of control.

What were the things on your mind?

It feels like it started from some personal struggles I had with family, and then it just consumed everything else. I couldn鈥檛 get any work done. When clients started asking for their work, my anxiety climbed 鈥� I even started refunding their money. Then, I started panicking that I was losing money and not earning, that added its own. Insomnia started scaring me, I thought I was going to die. 

And when I told my doctor friend that all the things I used to love were now beginning to irritate me, he told me that I was showing signs of depression. 

I didn鈥檛 want to hear any of that.

Why? 

I was like, why would I be depressed? The very first time I heard about someone getting depressed, I was like, why is this person who is from money and comfort depressed? I felt depression was as a result of鈥�

Lack?

Lack! I felt it was a result of you not being able to attain things or have things. People might be poor and can鈥檛 feed, that sucks. People lose a loved one, they鈥檙e sad. 

At the time, I also kept saying that depression is tied to suicide? Me? I can鈥檛. I didn鈥檛 accept it. 

If you didn鈥檛 accept it, how did you reject it?

It was just constant internal denial. 

I feel you. Let鈥檚 rewind a little to January 2018, and talk about where your finances were.

No, let鈥檚 rewind to December 2017. I usually set a yearly target for the amount I want to have in my account by December. In 2013 when I started working, I closed the year with 鈧�300k in my account. The following year, I had about 鈧�600k. So, the next year, I wanted to double it. 

By the end of 2017, I had about 鈧�3 million and I had some dollars. About $2,000. By December 2017, I had plans for the year, laid them all out.

But January had a different plan. 

I started the month quite well I managed to deliver some work in January, mostly spillover from the previous. By February, I didn鈥檛 make any money. 

I remember taking a walk with one of my friends, and he said, 鈥測ou need therapy, young man.鈥� Therapy? But I鈥檓 not mad na. So I asked him how therapy worked. Are they going to reset my brain? And he said, 鈥渋t鈥檚 a journey.鈥� 

So, I decided to give it a shot, which led me to the therapist in March. 

How did that go? 

He confirmed it. Clinical Depression. I started seeing him, he prescribed drugs. My meds mostly cost about 鈧�4,000 a month. But I think he got tired of me. To be honest, I had some resistance actually. I bought drugs but didn鈥檛 use them at first, and when I started using it, didn鈥檛 believe I had to. The second therapist, I didn鈥檛 like him.

Then I tried somewhere else. It was a small practice, so they put me on a plan for 鈧�5,000 a month. They told me someone was going to reach out to me. He didn鈥檛 reach out for three weeks, but when he did, he promised me that I was going to get better.

Did you believe him? 

How would I? He told me to trust him. Over the next few weeks, as we got to know each other better, he told me that there was a project he was working on and that he wasn鈥檛 going to work on it until I got better. 

That鈥檚 a serious commitment.

Yes, it was. You know, one funny thing during that period is that I鈥檇 just call an Uber, and pick a random location. Then I鈥檇 arrive at my destination feeling sad and wondering what I was doing there. Sometimes, it鈥檇 be a restaurant where I鈥檇 just go to eat and cry. 

My 3rd therapist prescribed a change of medication, and those ones were so hard to get that someone had to help me buy them in another state. This was in May 2018. 

When you started using the meds, what was it like?

I didn鈥檛 feel anything. The only meds where I was feeling something were my sleeping meds. But whenever I woke up in the morning, I start crying like, why am I still alive?

I feel you, man.

I鈥檇 wake up and be angry like, why is my life upside down God? People recommended I change my environment. I did that for a few weeks. I probably spent close to a million on just travelling.

You were bleeding cash, but you weren鈥檛 making money.

Yes! The only thing that saved me was my stash. I was just blowing money stupidly in that period. 

What was the lowest your money got to in that period?

Let me try to remember鈥� It鈥檚 hard to remember much from that time…

Ah, I remember! I was down to somewhere around 鈧�600k, and it was in my business account. All my other accounts were already empty. This was around September 2018. I was buying drugs, I bought Agbo. I even bought supplements from Amazon. 

*How much cash burned through in this period*

I was still talking to my therapist. 

At the end of 2018, I got a job at a small Charity. It paid me 鈧�25k, but I looked forward to going there every day. For the first time in 2018, I had a sense of purpose. It took a 鈧�25k job to give me something to look forward to. 

I feel you. 

Man, life felt so meaningless. I felt suicidal every day, and although I never attempted suicide,  I also never wanted to stay alive. I looked at my business, something I was so passionate about, and I hated it. 

Wild. Let鈥檚 talk about your business. 

Over the years, I鈥檝e honed a couple of skills; web development and branding. So I quit my 9-5 in 2017 to focus squarely on rendering these services to people. If I worked at a 9-5, I鈥檓 sure I鈥檇 have been fired in 2018. Extremely sure about that. 

Interesting. Back to the matter, how much do you think the whole period gulped? 

For almost 2 years, I鈥檒l say it cost me about 鈧�1.5 million. Because I started to feel relieved was October 2019, when I decided to get off medication, and I was still sleeping well. 

Amazing. It took 22 months, but you did come out on the other side.

Yup. 

Something else I鈥檓 curious about; you were not only losing cash, but your loss in productivity was also costing you financial opportunities.

Hmm. Oh wow. I never really thought about this. So, I was at a point where I felt I could earn up to 鈧�450k. 

Crazy, because calculating everything earned in 2018 means that my monthly average was around 鈧�75k – 鈧�100k.

Let鈥檚 start at the beginning of 2019. 

It still sucked at the beginning of the year, and I can barely remember a lot of what happened. I do remember that the place where I was getting help, I stopped going there. The 3rd Therapist left to start his own practice. The only other therapist also left that practice. So I followed The 3rd Therapist. 

Something else I remember doing that I know really helped me was working out. I started working out consistently, five days a week, sometime in the middle of the year. 

First of all, my body changed. 

Hmmm. The temperature just climbed. 

Hahaha. I felt so good about myself. All it cost me was 8k a month and after 8 weeks, I became buff. More than anything, it helped me with my discipline. 

Also, around that time, I went for Electroconvulsive Therapy. That was supposed to cost about 鈧�250k, but I paid 鈧�150k. 

The 3rd Therapist helped me negotiate a better deal. Great guy. I can鈥檛 talk about this journey without talking about my therapist. He charges 鈧�50k per session, and each session lasted 2 hours.

Woah. What was the frequency of your sessions?

Thrice a week. But here鈥檚 the crazy part, he didn鈥檛 charge me.

Ehn? 

It was completely free, man, 6 hours every week. I also had access to call him every time. When my 鈧�5k plan finished at the end of 2018, I just continued with him free.  

How long did he work pro bono with you?

January 2019 till December 2019. There were weeks where we didn’t speak though, but still. It was a lot of free sessions.

What did that period do to your perspective on money?

An emergency fund is important. God gives money abeg, but I don鈥檛 want to be a poor man. The reason I want to be rich is to enjoy things without worrying about small things. My emergency fund saved me in that period, I think. 

According to one of my friends, I used to say in that period that I was willing to give up everything I owned and start again if that was going to make me feel better. Money felt useless. 

Shook, so money really can鈥檛 buy happiness eh?

Money is a means is to comfort, not happiness. I鈥檇 go to the restaurants that I liked to eat; eating and crying. I鈥檇 buy nice shirts, and it鈥檇 just be meh. 

That鈥檚 heavy. What鈥檚 it like these days?

First off, I kept the job at that charity, and I鈥檓 so happy doing it! Then I鈥檝e been getting good gigs. My first gig in January paid me about 鈧�270k. 

Dude, my current monthly average is about 鈧�500-鈧�550k.

In the middle of a pandemic?

Hahaha. In the middle of a pandemic.

Let鈥檚 break down your monthly expenses.

I barely spend any money. Currently, I spend:

Food: 鈧�32办

Clothing/Personal effects: 鈧�7,500

Black Tax: 鈧�20办

My current savings is currently at a little over 鈧�2.5 million, in multiple stashes. I re-topped the USD back to $2,000. I also have people owing me, if that counts; 鈧�700k.

I save the rest, invest a little here and there.

What type of investments do you have?

I have someone buying crops and selling to foreigners. It鈥檚 a 100% returns in 3 months. I gave him 鈧�300k last time, he gives me 40% of the returns for the capital, he gets 60% for leg work.

Building all of that back up a little, so mostly savings for now. 

What鈥檚 something you want right now that you can鈥檛 afford?

Let me first say that I tend to think long term or short term. A few years ago, I wanted to get a computer, let鈥檚 say it鈥檇 have cost 鈧�600k. I didn鈥檛 wait to have the 鈧�600k before buying, I just bought a cheaper one that was good enough in the short term, while I saved up for the other one. 

I try to build buffers. A lot of money coming from a lot of tiny places. I also hate surprises. So what I do want that I can鈥檛 afford? I want to travel 鈥� after this at least. I can afford to, but it鈥檒l tamper with my buffers.

What do you wish you could be better at?

I have some other skills to make money, but I鈥檓 not harnessing those tiny things well enough. I need to turn more of my skills into a money-making machine.

What鈥檚 a purchase you made that significantly improved the quality of your life? 

I paid a couple of subscriptions for resources for my work. It saves you a lot of time looking for free things all over the internet. About $200 in total. 

On a scale of 1-10, happiness levels

You see that word, happiness? It has a different meaning for me. I鈥檓 comfortable, I鈥檓 at peace with myself.

Because of Faith, I don鈥檛 feel like I lost anything per se, even the income that wasn鈥檛 earned doesn鈥檛 feel like a loss. I like to think of it as downtime, but now, I鈥檓 back. I didn鈥檛 expand my client base as I planned. But in this period of trying to figure things out, I tried things I鈥檇 normally not try. Now, I can focus on creating serious opportunities out of them. 

There鈥檚 nothing I want that I can鈥檛 get. Wait, I want the new Mac. That鈥檚 the only thing I want that I can鈥檛 get yet. 

Amazing. How are you seeing your therapist since movement is a little restricted?

Hahahaha. In all the time he was having sessions with me, I saw him in person only thrice. Dude, teletherapy; over the phone. Video call.

Ahh, I didn鈥檛 see that coming. 

We鈥檙e really good friends now. When I got better, he told me, 鈥渘ow鈥檚 the time to work on this project. 

I worked on the branding project and poured my heart into it. And it made him so happy. 

I refused to charge him, of course.