He shares how his cousin, back in Nigeria for the first time in 16 years, has turned what should鈥檝e been a sweet reunion into a series of exhausting Detty December escapades.

As told to Adeyinka

Growing up, Gbolahan* and I were more than cousins; we were practically twins. Born just a year apart, we were inseparable. Our parents lived in the same neighbourhood, so we did almost everything together鈥攁ttending the same schools, church, and even having the same home lesson teachers. But in 2009, everything changed. Gbolahan moved to the US right after secondary school, and I stayed back in Lagos.

To his credit, he didn鈥檛 let the distance ruin our relationship. Despite the time zones, Gbolahan made an effort to keep in touch. We鈥檇 spend hours chatting on WhatsApp. He鈥檇 tell me about snowstorms, weird American food, and the pressure of making it abroad. I鈥檇 fill him in on life in Lagos, family drama, and daily hustles. It was almost like he never left.

However, last December, I realised that distance might鈥檝e done more damage than I thought. For years, Gbolahan raved about wanting to experience a proper Detty December. He鈥檇 call me and complain about how Christmas in the US was just snow, family dinners, and Netflix. I always argued that the Nigerian dream was missing Nigeria from abroad. But he wasn鈥檛 having it. 鈥淏anji, you don鈥檛 understand. I wish we could exchange places,鈥� he鈥檇 say. Well, last December, he finally got his wish.

I was excited when he told me he was coming home for the holidays. I planned to go to a few concerts, hit a nightclub, and spend the rest of the time catching up. I mean, how wild could he really be? The answer: very.

From the moment he landed at Murtala Muhammed Airport, Gbolahan hit the ground running. He barely spent 24 hours resting before calling me: 鈥淕uy, get ready. We鈥檙e going to a house party tonight!鈥� I was confused because I assumed I鈥檇 be his guide to Lagos nightlife. What did he know about house parties after 16 years abroad? He and some IJGB friends had booked the apartment and planned the party weeks in advance. I didn鈥檛 want to ruin his vibe, so I went.

The party wasn鈥檛 bad鈥攍oud music, food in disposable plates, and overly excited IJGBs. I managed to keep up, even when Gbolahan insisted on taking shots like he was held hostage. But that was just the beginning.

The next day, my cousin had us hopping from one event to the next. He had an itinerary so packed it felt like he was competing in the Detty December Olympics. Every major concert, popular lounge, and random after-party were on his list. For every suggestion I made, he had five better ones. And honestly, they were better. I won鈥檛 even lie鈥攈e knew all the spots. But I had a budget in mind. Gbolahan, on the other hand, didn鈥檛 care. The naira can鈥檛 compete with his dollar-powered spending.

The breaking point came at one of those beach raves. You know, the ones where they charge a million naira for a private beach house, and you leave questioning your life choices. Gbolahan was in his element. He had other friends join us, screaming lyrics, openly flirting, and bribing the DJ to let them spin tracks. Meanwhile, I was nursing an overpriced cocktail, battling a migraine, and wondering why I even left my house.

At some point, he found me and said, 鈥淏anji, how far? Can you order a ride? We鈥檙e heading to the club.鈥� My guy, it was 2 a.m., and I had work in the morning. I ordered the ride for him and his friends but stayed at the beach house until morning before heading home.

Since that night, I鈥檝e been actively dodging Gbolahan. Don鈥檛 get me wrong鈥擨 love him. He鈥檚 still my cousin and childhood partner-in-crime. But I can鈥檛 handle his wildness. It鈥檚 like he鈥檚 been saving all his party energy since 2009, and now Lagos is paying the price.

When he calls to hang out, I make excuses: 鈥淥h, I have an early meeting,鈥� or 鈥淚鈥檓 feeling under the weather.鈥� The truth? I just want to sleep.

Gbolahan鈥檚 still here till the last week of January, and I鈥檓 counting down the days. I鈥檝e promised myself I鈥檒l join him for one or two more outings to avoid being labelled the boring cousin. But deep down, I know I鈥檝e had enough.

Read this next: How to Find The Love of Your Life Before February 14

It鈥檚 January, and your IJGB (I Just Got Back) bae is back in the abroad. What was supposed to be a 鈥渘o strings attached鈥� December fling has turned into you catching feelings they鈥檙e probably not aware of. 

Usually, this is where most December flings fizzle out, but not on your watch. If you鈥檙e determined to keep their interest alive, here鈥檚 how to make them miss you so much they鈥檒l be booking the next flight back.

Remind them why they fell for you

Don鈥檛 let them forget the elite experience you put them through during Detty December. Send them cute throwback photos of your time together, or randomly text, 鈥淩emember how you kept purging after drinking roadside kunu?鈥� A little nostalgia is your secret weapon.

And play the 鈥淗ard to Get鈥� card

Listen, nothing keeps someone hooked like a little mystery. Don鈥檛 be too available. Let them wonder what you鈥檙e up to in Lagos. Post cryptic WhatsApp statuses like 鈥淥utside later?鈥� or 鈥淲ho鈥檚 picking me up today?鈥� They鈥檒l be dying to know who鈥檚 in the picture.

Speak their love language (virtually)

Find out what their love language is and cater to it. Is it words of affirmation? Send them texts like, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e killing it over there; I鈥檓 so proud of you.鈥� Acts of service? Help them find a plug for the Nigerian food they鈥檙e craving. Show them that distance isn鈥檛 a barrier for you.

Drop hints about your growing options

IJGB flings are built on competition. Now that they鈥檙e back abroad, remind them you鈥檙e still in demand. Casually mention someone who bought you lunch or took you out for drinks. Don鈥檛 overdo it, though; just enough to keep them on their toes.

Flirt like your life depends on it

Remember how you had them hooked during the Detty December rush? Bring that energy back. Send them random texts like, 鈥淚 miss how you laugh at my jokes,鈥� or 鈥淲hen are you coming back to finish what we started?鈥� or send them thirst traps. IJGBs love a good ego boost.

Start planning their next trip back to Nigeria

Listen, you have to be proactive here. If you leave it to them, they鈥檒l probably not return to Nigeria until the next Detty December rush, and that鈥檚 enough time for them to move on to the next thing. Suggest places you both didn鈥檛 visit during December, or hint at fun activities you鈥檒l do together next time. Make the idea of seeing you again too exciting to resist.

Save the drama

Nothing kills interest faster than unnecessary stress. Resist the urge to ask, 鈥淲here is this going?鈥� or send a 鈥淪o you鈥檝e forgotten me now?鈥� text. Let things flow naturally, and let them realise they can鈥檛 live without you.

Have a life outside them

Here鈥檚 the twist: while trying to keep them hooked, ensure you鈥檙e living your best life, too. Post pictures of yourself enjoying Lagos life, hanging out with friends, or even starting new hobbies. Let them see they鈥檙e just an option and not your final destination.

Of course, as the Explorer that I am, I explored Lagos alone at first which I immediately regretted. For a home buddy, you would almost think you are self-sufficient, too much consumption of lifestyle Instagram content made me feel like one of those creators, and so I took my phone stand, airpods and decided to venture into Lagos, totally forgetting how Lagosians took advantage of IJGBs (I just got back from the diaspora, usually for the holidays) and generally people who are new in places and embarked on a Lagos adventure. 

As if being mugged wasn’t enough, my meals didn’t taste like they looked. Great ambiance but terrible food! But if you know me by now, I don鈥檛 give up; visions of bustling markets, vibrant nightlife, and delicious food danced in my head. The best meal I had will only get 4/10 in my books. But the resilient person in me doesn’t give up, so, we movee. 

I went on Google and did a bunch of searches on the best restaurants in Lagos and the best reservation apps similar to opentable in Lagos (Opentable is a reservation application I use to book tables in the US) to ensure I had more than enough options. Of course, I saw a couple but something about lulled me in. I鈥檝e always been a sucker for good-looking stuff and Reisty stood out for me. Installing the app was a breeze, I set up an account and my Reisty login was simple. Guess who saw a whole 2000 naira in their wallet? Meee! Thumbs up to Reisty for whoever came up with that genius idea.

Perusing the restaurants was something I enjoyed doing because each restaurant profile had all the answers I needed, from menus to clear photos of the restaurant to the location and even genuine reviews from people who had visited the restaurant. The creativity of the Reisty app is one I love to experience over and over again. Lagosians, you really don鈥檛 know what this online dining reservation app has done for you until you try it.

I tried the first restaurant with about 50% enthusiasm, because once bitten twice shy, and I鈥檒l give them 100/100. The first restaurant I decided to try out was I have heard a lot about this restaurant especially since I had a hidden interest in Indian culture and it looked like the perfect spot. It was so good, the ambiance, the food, and just everything was top-notch! 

By the second restaurant, my excitement level had risen to 70% because I didn鈥檛 want to serve myself breakfast before the real breakfast. The expectation was surpassed, and now, I have 100% confidence in any restaurant on the Reisty app. 

One thing I particularly love about Reisty is, . Reisty had the right restaurants with great ambiance and even more fantastic food. Because of the shege I had seen, my first intention was to drag Reisty and the restaurants they had on blogs for their inconsistency, but I couldn’t because of the excellence at which everything went. The seamless location of restaurants made identifying restaurants, viewing menus, booking seats, and ordering food a breeze. 

Restaurants are segmented based on categories, making it easy to explore restaurants that suited my vibes, from rooftops to restaurants with ocean views to Indian and many other categories

The foodie in me has been upgraded because this adventure was top-notch. At this point, Reisty needs to employ me as their US-Nigerian ambassador because all my friends and family have downloaded the app. 

To be very honest, whoever created the Reisty app had me in mind because my Lagos adventure went from potentially stressful to absolutely fantastic. I also got a free 2k in my Reisty wallet, so it was a win-win for me. I explored hidden corners of the city, experienced authentic Lagos culture, and, most importantly, had a blast doing it.

To my fellow IJGBs, listen up! If you’re planning a Lagos adventure, just download the Reisty app from your app store, or playstore. You’ll definitely thank me later. Lagosians, I would also advice that you don鈥檛 sleep on this because it takes your outside game from zero to 100. Take this from a US resident.聽

Well, perish that thought. Time may be running out, but it hasn’t run out yet. You still have the chance to snag your very own IJGB. But only if you follow the instructions I’m about to lay out. Pay attention, people.

1) Dress the part.

Ladies and gents. Detty December is a viciously competitive period. Everyone and their mama is looking for an IJGB to rock the town with, so you must stand out by dressing for the part. Do a wardrobe overhaul and replace every item of clothing you own with the sluttiest clothes you can find on this side of Allen Avenue. It’s like they say: dress for the job you want.

2) Track them down.

If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain. I don’t understand why whoever came up with this said it like there was the possibility of the mountain going to meet a human, but that’s a story for another day. My point is that these IJGBs won’t come to you, so you have to do your best Joe Goldberg impersonation 鈥� complete with witty inner monologue 鈥� and track them down. You can find them at raves, house parties, concerts, overpriced restaurants, and traffic.

3) When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

To quote my homeboy, Kunle Ologunro: “You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.”

Sometimes, IJGBs will engage in certain activities that you may find…less than reputable. Like recreational drug use. Now that you’ve made your way into their circle, you can’t do anything to make them suspicious of you, like judging them with your eyes when they whip out crystal meth. Do what you will with this information.

4) Keep up.

IJGBs like to move around. Keep up. Enough said.

5) Do jazz.

As I mentioned earlier, the competition is fierce, and you need all the help you can get. Get into your old Nollywood bag and trap someone’s spirit in a groundnut bottle. You can release them when the holidays end, and you need to return to your everyday life.

Good luck. And may the odds be ever in your favour.

Air their messages 

It鈥檚 okay if they say you鈥檙e rude and disrespectful. Their opinions don鈥檛 matter; what鈥檚 important is that January 1st meets your heart intact in your chest.

Work through the break

If you have work to distract you, then you鈥檒l have no time to see the innit boys and girls and fall prey to their schemes.

Clear them

Clear anybody that conveniently forgot you existed in the past 11 months, but have now remembered you in the 12th hour. Tell them you鈥檙e not interested in their fake love, and they can get lost.

Get in a temporary relationship 

Yes, we know what they say about temporary solutions, but if the IJGB on your case sees a lover in your life, they might leave you alone and direct their gaze on someone else. It鈥檚 not foolproof because they might have 鈥渟trong head鈥� and take your fake relationship as a challenge, but you won鈥檛 know if you don鈥檛 try.

Bill them

It鈥檚 a win-win. They either run away and forget you exist or they fund your December. However it goes, you come out a winner.

Leave the country 

Someone coming into Nigeria can鈥檛 reach you if you鈥檙e spending your holiday in another country now, can they? Pack your bags and make those plans today.

Fake an illness 

We don鈥檛 know how you鈥檒l explain that you鈥檝e come down with a serious case of I-don鈥檛-want-to-see-your-face-titis, but figure it out and get that IJGB off your back.

Of course, all these don鈥檛 apply to the IJGBs that refer to your mother as 鈥榤um鈥� and know your house address.

They’ll bring out foreign currencies, accents will flow left and right, and these allegations will remain around their necks.

Wannabe ballers

All IJGBs do is show off the superiority of their foreign cash. And now, naira can’t even fight back.

Money speaks 

IJGBs will trigger your lover’s release clause with money and abroad rizz. 

Passport tactics

Any small thing, they’ll brag about their red and blue passports. 

No rizz without money

The moment these dollar and pound sterling people surprise your partner before you, it鈥檚 all over.

Don’t let them tell you lies

All IJGBs are liars. If you snooze, they’ll give you cold zobo.

Look before you cross the road

If you don鈥檛 shine your eyes, you might find yourself becoming a genital meet-and-greet statictic on someone鈥檚 scoreboard.

Consistently inconsistent

They only remember their Naija crush at the end of the year. When the new year comes, they’d leave and ghost till the next holiday.

Cut your coat to your size

Don’t let peer pressure injure you.

IJGB or 鈥渋jogbon鈥�

IJGBs will break your heart and ghost. Is their real name not 鈥渋jogbon鈥� (trouble)?

Beware of bed bugs

Prevention is better than scratching your body and fighting little assassins that suck blood.

It’s touching everyone

Your friends abroad might want to leave out the fact that the current inflation is a global phenomenon.

First of all, don鈥檛 do it

If you鈥檙e thinking of getting involved with an IJGB, don鈥檛 do it. No matter how sweet they seem. It won鈥檛 end well, and you鈥檒l shed tears in January. But if we鈥檙e already late, and you鈥檙e involved with one already, continue reading.

Break up and run

Now鈥檚 the time to pick up your bag and leave, to avoid stories that touch the heart. But if you love living dangerously, and you have coconut head, then make sure to do these things.

Fall in love with sharing

Market is tight, and the demand for IJGBs is high. There鈥檚 a chance your December boo has another boo. Don鈥檛 let that one vex you. Just develop team spirit and fall in love with sharing.

Enter with your eyes and hands open

Shine your eyes very well, so they can鈥檛 port to another IJGB with a better offer. You can鈥檛 be mixing business with pleasure. But if you鈥檙e going to stay too, keep your hands open so you can collect all their money.

Don鈥檛 catch feelings

Remember, you鈥檙e here for a good time and not a long time. Catch not these feelings that IJGBs will throw at you. Now, go forth and prosper.

Have more than one IJGB at hand 

Your IJGB definitely has side pieces. Better do what鈥檚 in your best interests and gather like five so you can stay focused on the bag and not catch feelings.

Have a backup plan for when they all leave

Just in case you don鈥檛 listen, and you catch feelings for one of them, you need a shoulder to cry on when the breakfast comes. Because it definitely will.

Don鈥檛 text them after they鈥檙e gone

Let the end be the end. Just move on, and don鈥檛 text them again 鈥� until next December, at least.

NEXT READ: 8 Ways to Identify an IJGB that Will Destroy Your Life this December

1. They always want to see you.

These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.

2. They are professing undying love for you.

IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.

3. They want to have raw sex.

This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.

4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.

This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.

5. They want to party all night.

This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.

6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”

This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.

7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.

These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.

8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.

You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.

We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here:

Interview With Cocaine: 鈥淲hy Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?鈥�

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