You鈥檙e scrolling through IG, and it鈥檚 one cute video of an infant or toddler after the other. 

I鈥檓 here to expose these miniature people and reveal why all that cheap PR is just to trick unsuspecting folks into wanting more of them.

Babies have zero communication skills

Imagine not being able to survive on your own and you can鈥檛 talk. Why?

For such tiny people, they make so much noise 

They can only communicate in a way that鈥檒l destroy your peace of mind. And you still have to decipher whether they want milk, a diaper change, or nothing at all. You know they’re doing it just to run you mad because there’s never water in their eyes, just loud cries at awkward hours of the day.

They can鈥檛 even blow their own noses

I feel like blowing your nose is an important life skill to have if you plan to survive.

They can鈥檛 eat honey

No, I鈥檓 not making this up. Almost as if in exchange for cuteness, they got weak immune systems. Now, you have to do extra work outside capitalism just to get their meal plans right.

They can鈥檛 drink water

Babies younger than six months are in danger of. Imagine dying because you drank water. Please, God.

Other baby animals > human babies

A newborn goat can stand in minutes. Infants, on the other hand, can鈥檛 even sit till they鈥檙e six months old. I know who my GOAT is.

They still have to learn how to sit 

Imagine after waiting for nine months to learn to stand, they still have to learn to sit. 

Babies are simply the perfect example of 鈥済reat User Interface, terrible User Experience鈥�.

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One minute your life is going great, the next you are throwing up in the middle of a Zoom meeting. You check your period app and find out you’re three weeks late. One thing flashes through your mind, ““. Now, here are the other things that will go through your mind when you have a pregnancy scare.

1) Who is responsible?

Even if you have one consistent partner, you start asking yourself if the conductor that brushed your arm at the car park somehow got you pregnant. If you don’t even have sex with men or sex at all, you wonder if we are about to have another Mary.

2) Which birth control method failed?

You call a family meeting of all your methods, and you start wondering which one failed you. Could your emergency contraceptive have been fake? Is your no longer working? Has your pill expired? Did society lie about celibacy? Can a plastic dick get you pregnant?

3) Increase in cost of everything

Your brain suddenly starts going math. How much is baby wipes? Can babies eat semo because the price of baby food is not looking pocket friendly? How much do you even have in your savings? How much is abortion in this economy?

4) Glimpse into the future as a pregnant woman

You imagine yourself with a baby bump next. You plan your baby shower in your head. How will you apply for maternity leave at work? What kind of pregnant woman will you be? What names will you give the child when it is born? You might have told yourself a long time ago that if you get pregnant right now, you’d it, but sometimes brains can’t stick to the program. They wander.

5) Hot girl summer

When you realise that pregnancy means no more hot girl summer, your stomach lurches a little. How will you survive for nine months without any alcohol or club activities? Your plan was to shake your ass on a yacht in Dubai in a thong, not with a baby belly.

6) Prayers against pregnancy

Even if you are not religious, you will pray to whomever you can. You will make promises you are unable to fulfil and then ask for forgiveness from every person in your life you have offended.

7) Take a pregnancy test

So you have gone through all the motions of a pregnancy scare and you know you are left with two options. You keep it, or you abort it. You take your test and hope for the best. The best is when the test comes out negative and you realise you’re stressed and ate some funky tasting fruits, that’s why you were vomiting.

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Odion, 56

One day while I was pregnant I had this sudden urge to lick ice cream. It was a bit different from the 2am fried yam cravings. I felt like if I did not have ice cream, I would die. My husband’s friend had to help me buy ice cream. When he asked how much of the ice cream I wanted, I gave him a paint bucket and told him to fill it up. When he brought it back, I licked so much ice cream I passed out and woke up in the hospital.

Angel, 37

I could not eat stew made with a blender. I would come back home from work, remove my jacket and bring out the grinding stone. After grinding my tomatoes and pepper, I would give to my sister to cook for me. It had to be grinded with a grinding stone, and I had to be the one to grind it. My sister kept complaining because we had a blender, but that was the only way I would eat.

Amaka, 31

When I was pregnant I could only eat food with a small spoon. When my husband brought me indomie with a fork, I started crying. I told him that he didn’t love me and I threw the indomie at him. Now, I can admit that I was being a bit dramatic.

Bisi

My sister made a grilled sandwich when she was pregnant with her second baby. It was in her hand and she was so excited to eat it that she started to cry because she knew it would taste good. She was just crying with the sandwich in her hand.

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Tobi

Chinwe and I were waiting to see our customer at their office in Lagos Island. As I was filling the security logbook, you could smell the hot puff puff the security man just bought from the woman frying by the roadside. Heavily pregnant Chinwe started to beg for puff-puff like a starving child. Of course the security man gave her everything and proceeded to buy her more. The look of satisfaction in her eyes whilst eating was the funniest thing for me.

Halima, 29

At a certain point of my pregnancy, I could not wear ‘cold’ clothes. Every single cloth that touched my body had to have just been ironed. I will lay out all the clothes I plan on wearing that day, and iron them as I put them on. Even my underwear.

Anita, 28

One day I woke up at about 3am to eat bread and tea. I decided the best place to eat was in the guest room downstairs because I did not want anyone to come and beg me. While I was eating, tears kept coming out of my eyes because the bread was so soft and sweet. I did not know my husband was looking for me. When he eventually found me, I was dipping my bread in tea with tears in my eyes. He just shook his head and closed the door. I finished my bread, cleaned my tears, and slept off.

Bimbe, 26

I was watching a cartoon with my nephew and I got so invested in it, I threw my shoe at the screen when Dora kept asking for directions. I was so angry. My nephew went to report to his mother, and I had to buy them a new television.

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So, since Nigerian men seem to know so much about giving birth, we think it is time women passed the baton to them, and we’ve listed seven reason why men should consider taking it.

1. It鈥檚 the ultimate sign of love

What better way to show your woman you love her than getting pregnant and giving her beautiful babies that will almost definitely look more like her than they do you. Then to top it off, let the child take her last name like you weren鈥檛 involved at all. Isn鈥檛 that so romantic?

2. No issues of paternity fraud

Based on statistics that Nigerian men constantly pull out of their asses, it’s been said that Nigeria has the largest cases of paternity fraud in the world. If men carry the babies, they would never have to worry about who the real father of the baby is. Problem solved.

3. Another chance to show off your strength

Nigerian men pride themselves in being hyper-masculine, and strength is the ultimate sign of masculinity. We all know women exaggerate just how painful childbirth is, so this would be a perfect opportunity to show women just how strong you are compared to them.

4. They can make good use of all that pushiness

Since Nigerian men have spent their entire lives perfecting the art of being incredibly pushy, they should have no issues pushing a whole baby out of whichever hole they see fit. 

5. Men snapback faster than women

We all know that women who don鈥檛 lose the pregnancy weight right there on the delivery table are just lazy. Thankfully, a man would never let himself go like that. The snapback would be instant, making it impossible for your woman to be tempted to cheat on you. 

6. Women will finally shut up

Women are always complaining about simple things like breastfeeding, morning sickness, hormonal changes and the rest. Once men take on these things with the ease they take on everything else, women will finally see that they were just exaggerating.

7. Less temptation to cheat

If Nigerian men got pregnant, they would cheat less. We all know the reason Nigerian wives never cheat (yes, quote us) is because they’re out of commission 9 months in a row. If Nigerian men took on that burden, they wouldn鈥檛 have time to cheat or maintain two families.

Lie that we are not making sense. 

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who was celibate until she got married. She talks about enjoying sex with her husband until she discovered she was pregnant. 

What was your first sexual experience? 

My first sexual experience was not consensual. An uncle who lived with my family raped me when I was a teenager. I had just returned from school and none of the adults were back from work. I hadn鈥檛 even started menstruating yet. 

It was a violent experience that I was going to hide from my parents. My grandmother observed that something was wrong with me and asked my parents to prod. That was how I told them what happened. They got really livid and invited the police to arrest him. 

My parents were going to press charges, but it never got to court. I can鈥檛 remember the details, but it seemed that either some distant family members or the police decided it was best to bury the matter. The uncle never lived with us again though. 

I鈥檓 so sorry. Did you receive any kind of support after this happened?

Yes. My parents are nurses, so they were kind of aware of the kind of support I needed. Although, It wasn鈥檛 full-on support because they were also ashamed of the whole situation and wanted to bury it. So, apart from sexual health support, my parents sent me to a purity camp that their church organised. 

What was that like? 

It wasn鈥檛 that bad. The camp had its issues in the kind of message it preached: girls were to save themselves for marriage only for the benefit of boys. They told us that abuse wasn鈥檛 our fault, but that we also needed to be careful about what we wore. They also told us oral sex was a sin. 

I would have swallowed all of these if it wasn鈥檛 for the friends I met who were opinionated and asked our tutors questions that left them stammering. The good thing is the friends I made are still my best friends today. It was through them I was able to form my own opinions about sex. 

What were your opinions? 

That I hadn鈥檛 sinned because I was raped. That it wasn鈥檛 my fault I was raped. That saving yourself for marriage is not for the benefit of a man. And a bunch of other things. It all sounds simple, but it was actually hard to reach these opinions. I was doing a lot of reading and studying of religious texts. I was also trying to remove the stigma and shame I felt anytime I thought about being raped. 

How did these affect your sex life? 

I decided to abstain from fornication and save myself for marriage. So, while I made out with people I dated, I didn鈥檛 have sex with anyone until I got married. 

When did you get married? 

About a year after university. I got married to my longtime boyfriend. We started dating sometime in university. We always knew we were going to get married. We were both celibate.

How did you deal with being in a longterm relationship and not having any kind of sex? 

It was very hard, but we tried. We hardly spent time together alone in private spaces. If we had to, we always had some kind of third wheel with us. 

So what was married sex like? 

Even though I had been reading about sex since I was a teenager and was kinda ready to have it, I was still pleasantly surprised. My biggest shock was that it wasn鈥檛 painful. I can  never forget the pain of being raped as a teen. That pain was in my head when we started having sex. 

The first time was actually bad. We weren鈥檛 lubricated enough, so we just got frustrated and went to bed. 

Then there was the problem of not knowing what worked for the other. There鈥檚 a bit of beauty and frustration in discovering someone鈥檚 body for the first time, and that was pretty much what it was like for us in the first few months. We got to discover the power of my clitoris only after a month of being married. We were having sex quite regularly, but half the time, it was rubbish. 

Once we got the hang of each other鈥檚 bodies and understood what worked and didn鈥檛 work, it was amazing from there. And we explored too, as long as it was not against our beliefs.

What do you mean? 

It鈥檚 hard to find useful information or tips to make our sex lives as Christians more interesting, so my husband and I had to come up with our own idea of fun and exciting. 

We once went on a vacation outside the country and had sex in a public space 鈥� not public, like market or road. Forest public. We did a lot of that since we both find it exhilarating. Sex in the car, sex in water, at the office, etc. We sometimes role-played. We were very big on finding new sexual positions and made a game out of it. 

You use the past tense to describe your sex life. What鈥檚 it like these days?

When we got married, we never planned to have children. Not until my early 30s at least. But somehow, we got pregnant and didn鈥檛 know until I was five months in. If I had known earlier, I probably would have gotten an abortion. 

Having a baby was going to ruin my career and other parts of my life. I got married early, so I really wanted to be very independent and build most of my career before I turned 30. Interestingly, I didn鈥檛 even consider that having a baby would mess up my sex life. It did. 

How?

I started hating sex around the time I was 8 months along. My husband tried everything he could, but I just found the thought of sex quite repulsive. But before this time, we were still really enjoying sex and with my pregnancy, the number of times I could orgasm in one round was anything from one to four. There was no time I had sex that I didn鈥檛 orgasm. I was also really energetic and was having sex a lot. 

Then all of a sudden, there was nothing. I wasn鈥檛 responding to my husband鈥檚 touch or even trying to initiate sex. We decided it鈥檒l pass after the baby came. It didn鈥檛. At first my husband was very patient, and I was very worried. Then he became frustrated and I became indifferent. He wanted me to go to the hospital and I really didn鈥檛 want to because what exactly would I say? I had been googling it and most of the stuff I read said it was perfectly normal. 

So you鈥檝e not spoken to a professional about it? 

Well, I did, very reluctantly, recently 鈥� that鈥檚 practically 9 months after giving birth. The first doctor I saw told me to give it time. He even laughed it off as stress. I saw a couple of different doctors that said something similar. Then my husband said we should see another doctor in a different hospital. A woman. 

First thing she told me was that I鈥檓 not crazy, that a lot of women experience this low sex drive after or during pregnancy, after menopause, etc. She prescribed drugs that didn鈥檛 really work, then referred me to a therapist who suggested I might have something called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. 

So it鈥檚 basically a disorder where you don鈥檛 feel motivated to have or initiate sex. In some cases, you might lose all sexual attraction to your partner. She says it might have been triggered by pregnancy and childbirth, but that she also believes being raped when I was young has a connection. 

What are your symptoms? 

In my case, I just don鈥檛 want to have sex, it鈥檚 repulsive. Anytime I have sex, I鈥檒l just be counting down. I actually once told my husband to go and have sex with someone else out of annoyance. I didn鈥檛 care. 

Wow.

The therapist prescribed some therapy exercises, like us just spending really physical and intimate time together without having sex. We鈥檙e currently trying them, but it鈥檚 too early to say if it has solved anything. 

She said if this doesn鈥檛 work, we鈥檒l consider options. I鈥檝e been reading obsessively about the condition online and asking 鈥榳hy me鈥� 鈥� after going most of my life without sex, this happens? Anyhow, in all, we thank God. 

So how would you rate your sex life?

Maybe 7/10 because when I was having sex, it was lit. I鈥檓 just praying that this problem is resolved.