Someone, please, put Nigeria and her leaders in a firefighter suit right now. They鈥檙e trying to quench the fire on us hot babes with a large hose.

At first, we thought it was just bants and they would get their act together. But we鈥檙e three months into 2024, HERtitude is mere weeks away, and they鈥檙e still moving like insanity is their middle name. 

While they act like anything but their age, here鈥檚 our hot babe playbook to make sure you keep the fire burning while we plan the hottest party of the year for girls only.

Get a mantra

A little insider secret from a self-proclaimed hot babe: if you stand in front of your mirror for ten minutes a day and chant 鈥淚鈥檓 a hot babe鈥� six times, you鈥檒l become one. Once you step outside, other people will know a hot babe has arrived.

Believe in your sauce

As long as the sun shines and the moon comes out at night, you鈥檙e the hottest babe to ever exist, and you better believe it. If you don鈥檛 believe in your hotness, how would other people believe in it? 

Do what makes you happy 

Love who you want, wear what you want, and do what you want. As long as no one鈥檚 getting hurt by it, you should definitely do it.  If anybody has anything to say about it, clear them and report to us. We鈥檒l take it up from there. 

Get your money up

As a hot babe who has stared into sapa’s eyes before, I鈥檓 here to tell you that you need to get your money up. It might take a while, and it won鈥檛 be the easiest thing, but you need to start making money moves before sapa and his siblings pour ice-cold water on your hotness.

Take care of yourself

Fan your flames and make sure you鈥檙e burning as bright as you can. The only way to maintain your hot babe status is to take care of yourself and love yourself. If that means cutting off people with bad vibes, then so be it.

But make room for other hot babes

The only thing you鈥檙e allowed to pit against each other is amala and semo, and that鈥檚 because amala would win every single time. You鈥檙e not allowed to pit hot babes against each other or let people pit you against other hot babes. If you do, your hot babe card will be revoked.

You think we鈥檙e playing? Just try it and see.

Come for HERtitude

It’s the biggest gathering of hot babes on this planet. If people see you at HERtitide, they won’t have the mind to think you’re anything BUT a hot babe. So, you need to get your now.

Stock up on fans

Don鈥檛 get it twisted; they鈥檙e not for you. They鈥檙e for the people around you, so they can cool down when your heat becomes overwhelming. And it will.

Have a unique name

You can鈥檛 go wrong with something strong and catchy as a stage name in Fuji music. Here鈥檚 an easy formula: use your nickname or merge it with your first name. E.g. Saheed Osupa, Taiye Currency Ayinde Barrister and Ayinde Kollington. I hope your name is not Wasiu or Ayinde sha, before people call you an impersonator.

Mention it every minute

You need to constantly drop your full government and nickname while singing. If you’re not doing that, you’re not ready for the world to know your name.

Have street credibility

If you haven’t served some time in the streets, your Fuji musician status is 鈥渓earner.鈥� The fastest and surest way is either to get four-year experience as a NURTW member or work as a freelance bus conductor. 

Form your band

Assemble the best drummers, backup vocalists, keyboardist and a hypeman with a baritone. Then get an official fabric seller who’ll constantly supply the band the best ankara and lace fabrics. Alternatively, the uniform can be polo shirts and facecaps with the band name printed on. Everyone should look flyer than Barrister and boys in 1989.

Learn praise-singing

Scam people into spraying you all their money with your high praises. If you can make people’s heads swell with your music, it鈥檒l take you far and they鈥檒l call you to the next ceremony in your hood. You better learn it so you can secure the Fuji bag.

Do you know any proverbs?

Whether you’re motivating, making social commentary or throwing words like stones, you must be clever with your figures of speech and best not miss.

Have a photographic memory

Imagine the embarrassment if you forget the name of the person who’s spraying you money halfway through your set? All it takes is one fuck up, and your whole reputation is out the window.

Add your abroad experiences to the music

How else do we know you’re spreading the gospel of fuji across the globe? You need to travel and then come back to give us your London Experience Vol. 1 – 5 or Amsterdam Tour part one and two, to certify your legend status.

READ: The 91大神 Guide: Nigerian Music Industry 101

Cry directly into a bucket 

Hold your face over the bucket, and keep your eyes wide open. Once you hear the first teardrop hit the bottom of the bucket, congratulations, you鈥檙e doing it right.

Wipe your tears with money, not your hands 

If you鈥檙e going to cry in public after getting the face beat of your life, then you better be wiping those tears with cool cash. People might see you crying, but at least you鈥檇 be crying with money.

Fan your face

Something about moving your hands back and forth over your face and taking multiple deep breaths helps the tears remain at bay, and even if they come out , it鈥檒l be just a few drops.

Remind yourself of all the hard work that went into perfecting your look

The perfect makeup looks take money, time, and effort so remember all you put in to look like Agbani Darego鈥檚 twin and act accordingly.

Send the tears back

Fold your arms, rock back and forth, then shake your head really fast, do this twice, and watch the tears return to where they came from.

Blink 

Blink rapidly for 5 seconds. You鈥檒l either stop crying, or everyone around you would wonder if all is well. Either way, your tears would no longer be a problem.

Open your eyes鈥ide

If you feel the tears coming, we suggest you keep those eyes wide open. Close it even in the slightest, and the teargates would open like Moses just let the red sea go.

Use a Zaron eyeliner

Prevention is way better than cure. It鈥檚 best to draw on that sharp AF cat eye wings with Zaron鈥檚 Axe liquid or smoke gel eyeliner. They glide easily over your eyes and are smudge-proof, so you can wear them all day long without a bother. Look at us putting you on, don鈥檛 say we didn鈥檛 do anything for you.

Here鈥檚 how to say no as a people pleaser.  

You have to practise passive assertiveness

Your body language should say no before opening your mouth to say yes. The next time a friend or coworker comes to ask you for something at your inconvenience, stand like this:

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If that doesn’t work, just close your eyes

If you can鈥檛 see the face of the person trying to inconvenience you, you鈥檙e less likely to want to help them. 

Walk away as fast as you can

If they can鈥檛 catch you, they can鈥檛 ask you to do anything for them.

Tap into your inner toddler and start reporting everybody

Snitches get stitches, but sometimes it鈥檚 necessary to snitch before you faint from exhaustion. Shout 鈥淚 will report you oh鈥� like a toddler who discovered the word 鈥渘o鈥�.

Tape your mouth shut and glue your hands to your sides.

If your mouth is closed, everyone will take your silence as no, and if your hands are glued to your sides, you can鈥檛 shrug and say yes. When they see you trying to enforce boundaries like this, they鈥檒l leave you alone. 

Buy a big placard with the word 鈥淣O鈥� written boldly

You can wear it on your neck or carry it in a bag. Next time your roommate asks you if they can eat the cake you鈥檝e been saving for later, just bring the placard out. Or if your boss tries to give you more work than you can handle, you know what to do.

Chant 鈥渘o鈥� to yourself in the mirror every morning

There鈥檚 nothing as effective as using the actual word itself being used as an affirmation. Try to say it with a smile, so they know that if they keep pushing, they鈥檙e about to see crazy. When the conductor asks for his change, say no. When the food delivery people ask for their money, tell them no. Go forth and succeed.

READ ALSO: How To Make Friends: A 91大神 Guide

You looking at all the debits coming in without conscience

As if you鈥檙e not someone’s precious child. 聽

Now you鈥檝e kept money aside for rent, data and transport but no money for food

Fear not, 91大神 to the rescue. What is better than spaghetti Bolognese in real life? Spaghetti Bolognese in your dreams.

The first thing you need to do is learn how to manifest 

The same mind that imagined that perfect smelling jollof rice can manifest it into existence. If you learnt nothing from the astrology girlies, learn this. 

Kidnap the witch giving you the dream food 

Not everyone鈥檚 mind is strong enough, but if you can imprison the food creator you鈥檒l never run out of food. And then they won鈥檛 even be able to use your destiny.

The witch might try putting up a fight, so be ready to negotiate

If you can鈥檛 beat them, join them, innit? You don鈥檛 even have to quit your day job since they move at night. When they share their monthly flour for puff-puff and sweets to sell to children, just keep yours and start a provision store.

The only problem is that the food is cursed, and people may start disappearing

But as a sharp-thinking Nigerian, every problem is an opportunity to make money. You now have free dream food, and you can return those people to their families for a price. Innovate, expatiate, activate. 

Now, you have enough money to buy plenty anointing oil to bless the food 

Don鈥檛 forget the mission. It鈥檚 the dream food we are here for, after all. Get that pastor to bless as many anointing oils to sprinkle on the now blessed spirit amala and ewedu with ten pieces of ogunfe. 

Rinse and repeat for the rest of your life 

And if you鈥檙e wondering how you鈥檒l leave the coven when you get tired, this is just supposed to help you teleport the food from your dream, so you鈥檙e on your own. Please don鈥檛 disturb me. 

You鈥檙e welcome!

READ ALSO: 6 Ways To Become A Millionaire Overnight

1. Your female lead must be an IJGB with a quirky job

This is the foundation of your film. You mess this up, and your film won鈥檛 last two weekends in the cinema. What you need is a female lead who just moved back to Nigeria and has a successful career as a Sh-E-O working as an art dealer, florist or ballerina 鈥� the more unrelatable she is, the better. These jobs will also explain why she鈥檚 always at a cute caf茅, restaurant, premiere or fashion show, as opposed to dancing to the drums of capitalism like the rest of us. 

2. You鈥檙e nothing without your accents 

It has to be a war of the accents. Everyone needs to be doing gbas gbos when they open their mouths. You give me American-Russian and I鈥檒l give you Lekki-British. The only people allowed to speak like normal Nigerians are the security guards and maids 鈥� make sure their 鈥渓ocal鈥� accents are exaggerated and silly just so the audience can laugh at them. 

3. Everybody has to be rich AF 

Poverty is cute, but not for romcoms. What鈥檚 not clicking here? Even world-renowned poet, David Adeleke, once said, 鈥淟ove is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.鈥� In Nigeria, we don鈥檛 believe in poor or middle-class romance dear. How do you hope to capture all the pretty nightclubs and restaurants if your main characters don鈥檛 have excess funds to go there? 

4. If your male lead doesn鈥檛 have a six-pack, cancel the film 

You need a shirtless scene that鈥檒l cause commotion in the cinema, and for this to work, your male lead must have ridges on his stomach. Please count them o! He must have a minimum of six packs because anything less than that doesn鈥檛 work. God forbid you have a regular-looking man who eats carbs after 7 p.m as your lead actor. What will people say? 

5. Make sure it鈥檚 an ensemble 

Romcom that鈥檚 not an ensemble in big 2022? You must be a joker. Pack as many stars as your budget can allow. Mix it up: Asaba Nollywood, New Nollywood, BBNaija alumni and Instagram skit makers. Mix all of them and put them into one pot 鈥� it doesn鈥檛 matter whether they can act or not, just put them in it. Get that bag. 

6. Your love interests have to hate each other at first

He must think she鈥檚 too opinionated and full of herself, and she must think he鈥檚 a player and pretty boy with nothing in his brain. This hatred is fake though, because deep down he admires her independence, while she admires the fact that he doesn鈥檛 care what anyone thinks of him. Last last, all this initial gragra will end in hot fo鈥攔omance. 

7. A female best friend co-worker or mother dedicated to finding the female lead some good penising 

Your female lead needs ginger to go out there and find a man. Who better to provide this push than her mum or best friend. These characters must be nosy and tread the thin line between cute and annoying. They must also remind your female lead that, 鈥淎 woman is like a flower,鈥� and that she may soon have cobwebs between her legs.

8. The one dimensional male best friend 

This guy鈥檚 role goes in one of two ways: it鈥檚 either he has small sense or he鈥檚 just a clown. This is where your influencer or BBNaija alumnus comes in. He exists solely to give the male lead really good or really fucking awful advice. There鈥檚 no in-between here.聽

9. Something must try to put sand in their love garri 

Love in Nigeria is a battlefield, and to properly depict this, you have to test the love of your lead characters. Show us why they鈥檙e meant to be together, even though their chemistry is as bad as yesterday鈥檚 fried rice. Throw in family disapproval, busy careers or a wicked ex that is against their progress,聽 and you have a great story on your hands.聽

10. You have to give us fashunzzz and aesthetics 

Can your lead actors act? Not really, but who cares when they鈥檙e serving us back to back lewkks. Make sure your female lead never wears flats, and make sure your male lead is always in a suit even though his only destination for that day is shoprite. Distract us from the chaotic and unrealistic plot with high fashion and we鈥檒l be okay. T for Tenks.聽

1. Use all your money to sew trad

You want to land a premium sugar mummy and you鈥檙e out here wearing skinny jeans and all these alt茅 baffs? We can see you鈥檙e not focused in life. To get the part, you have to look the part. Wearing trad all the time makes you look responsible. Your sugar mummy can be seen in public with you and still introduce you as her business partner or assistant. It makes life easier. Why do you think all the men in Abuja are wearing trad? 

2. Grow a beard 

My fellow king, being a fine boy is important, but what does it profit a man to pack all the fineness in the world and still end up beardless? We all know beards are to men what bone straights are to women. If your beard has been struggling to connect since the last elections, I鈥檒l strongly advise you to walk away now because this sugar baby thing is not in your destiny at all. 

3. Find rich friends and start fornicating with their mums 

Do you see that guy in the club that鈥檚 always doing dorime? Yes, the one from a wealthy family. It鈥檚 time to kiss his bumbum with vim until he becomes your friend. Convince him to invite you into his home, and when no one notices, cut eye for his mother. Take risk and succeed.  

4. Switch to your native name

Our research has shown that sugar mummies respond more to Nigerian names. Sorry for you if you鈥檙e still doing 鈥淒aniel鈥� or 鈥淛erome鈥� because Mrs. A is looking for an 鈥淎dekunle鈥� or 鈥淣difreke鈥�. Have you met a sugar baby with a colonizer name before? We鈥檙e glad you know this too.  

5. Invest in a babalawo

Nollywood wasn鈥檛 lying; jazz is real. It’s time for you to copy one of those numbers you see on the road offering love potions. Meet up with baba, tie red satin around your waist, drop boiled yam and palm oil at your junction by midnight, collect the love potion and trap your sugar mummy鈥檚 destiny in a groundnut bottle. Before you know it, you鈥檒l have moved into a flat in Ikoyi. 

6. Pray, fast or manifest

This is for those of you too scared to step into the dark side of juju. If you want to pick the longer route, you can fast and pray to sky daddy to send a sugar mummy your way. Keep in mind that Abraham and Sarah did not receive their package until they were 100 years old and 90 years old respectively. If you鈥檙e into star signs and Mercury in Guinea brocade, you can light scented candles and start manifesting. Good luck to all of you. 

7. Become a gym rat 

Do you see that six-pack you鈥檝e been avoiding? You must have it o. All that eating hot semo by midnight like a witch has to end today. Register in the nearest gym and spend at least four hours running up and down like your village people are chasing you. Lift the heaviest weight you can find and be motivated by all the credit alerts your future sugar mummy will bombard you with. Sha note that the goal is to look like Mawuli Gavor, not The Rock. No go dey do pass yourself. 

8. Stop chasing small small girls around town 

If there鈥檚 one thing we鈥檝e learnt from Nollywood films, it鈥檚 that sugar mummies hate it when they have to share their property. You can鈥檛 be chasing an oil rig and still have time for kerosine. If you鈥檙e currently in a relationship, end it now (it will even save you Valentine money that you don鈥檛 have). Before you know it now, your sugar mummy will start talking about how she picked you from the gutter and made you who you are today. To avoid insults, put all your eggs in sugar mummy鈥檚 basket. 

9. Drown yourself in oud

Before you enter an estate, they need to smell you from the gate. You鈥檙e putting the perfume on your neck and wrists only? You must be a novice. Fix up asap. 

1) Be Invisible

Find a way to turn yourself invisible. How you do it is not our problem, but just find out how to do it. How will they catch you if they can’t see you?

2) Dress like a masquerade

Who wants to accuse a masquerade of being a thief? The best part about dressing as a masquerade is that there is enough space inside their ensembles for you to hide what you steal. Not only is the masquerade outfit a cloaking device, but also a storage facility. Best of both worlds.

3) Be a Nigerian politician

Nigerian politicians are the ultimate thieves. That’s why if you don’t want to get caught, that’s where to be. Pad a budget or two, divert national funding, have some ghost workers and then you’re rolling in billions. If you really don’t want to be caught, then you should belong to the same party as the President. That way, if they do make the mistake of catching you, you’d have Presidential protection.

4) Be the first to shout “ole”

If they’re chasing you while you’re running, then just turn around and start chasing them instead. While you’re running after them, don’t forget to shout Ole!

5) Rub oil all over your body

The statement “as slippery as an eel” is not for beans. To steal without getting caught, you need to embody the spirit of an eel. That’s why you have to rub oil on our body. That way, anyone that tries to catch you will lose their grip. All oils are welcome, except for palm oil. If you use palm oil, they might catch you.

6) Spiritual robbery

Another time they can’t catch you is when you steal in the spirit. Spiritual stealing does not translate to being caught in the physical world.

7) Steal stolen money

If you steal the money someone else has stolen, then they’re unable to report you and get you arrested. Sure, they might spiritually deal with you or gather people to beat you, but that doesn’t matter. As long as you’re not in prison.

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For more on what is inside this life, please click here

So if you鈥檝e been wondering how to sell your latest herbal product, let 91大神 hook you up with a guide on how to market herbal medicine to Nigerians.

1. The packaging must be green 

How else will people know that it was made with natural ingredients? Green signifies health and growth, Nigerians like things like that, just look at our national flag. Okay maybe not that flag, that’s a red flag.

2. It must be affordable 

If your herbal medicine isn’t affordable, and by affordable, we mean 鈧�50-鈧�100, you鈥檙e deceiving yourself because who will buy it? Times are hard, dollar is rising and we鈥檙e saving for japa. If your medicine is not affordable, what is small sickness that we can鈥檛 manage?

3. It must cure Staphylococcus aureus 

And all the aureuses [pronounced arus] in the world. You don’t even have to know what it means but it is guaranteed to make your advert stand out. Nigerians like to hear big words. 

4. It must have an Interesting name 

If you want to capture the hearts and pockets of your customers, make the name of your herbal medicine interesting. Think 鈥淒r Kehinde’s fast relief”, 鈥淏lessed Miracle cleanser鈥�, 鈥淎jase-Ipo tonic super powder.鈥� 鈥淥juelegba low sperm count destroyer.鈥� 鈥淧rofessor Emmanuel鈥檚 womb cleanser’ 鈥�. Be creative! 

5. Your product must use buzz words 

You have a lot of competition and people have short attention spans. You have to use words and illnesses that will quickly catch their attention. Words like 鈥渋nfection, rheumatism, waist pain, low sperm count, jedi jedi” The more the merrier. 

Nigerians love it when one drug can cure many things, especially headaches and body pain because being a Nigerian is tiring. 

6. It must be useful for people鈥檚 sex lives

Don’t overthink this and don’t ask why. Just make sure your herbal medicine can cure low sperm count, fix erectile dysfunction (which you MUST describe as 鈥榳eak erection鈥�), thicken watery sperm, etc. Nigerians can be hush-hush about sex, so when people rush your product you might think it鈥檚 because many people have headaches. That鈥檚 not what they鈥檙e buying it for. At all.

7. Have a funny jingle 

Remember, there’s no need to pay for radio or TV advertisements. Just buy a big megaphone, place it in the middle of a major market and have someone market your herbal medicine wearing a blazer over a t-shirt no matter how hot the sun is. If little kids can’t recite your wildly inappropriate jingle unprovoked, you need to change it. 

8. Make sure it contains ginseng and moringa 

This guarantees that older Nigerians will buy your product. Ginseng is ginger that studied abroad and Nigerians believe that ginger can cure everything. Moringa helps lower your blood pressure. The lower it is, the less likely you are to fight people on the road for no reason.  

9. Be incredibly graphic when describing the diseases that your medicine treats.

Who gives a shit that you鈥檙e in a public bus where people might be eating things like gala and yoghurt? You have medicine to sell, and you will scream at everybody in that danfo about the milky discharge that comes with aureus until they either buy what you鈥檙e selling or throw up in disgust. It鈥檚 their call, to be honest.

10. Now you鈥檙e ready to sell your own herbal medicine

Go forth and froth. Whatever your eye sees, we鈥檙e not there. 

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1. Do not fight your neighbour

Your day could start so much better if you don鈥檛 spend half an hour cursing your neighbour, not even in your head. Did they leave their generator on for an entire night? Yes. Was it annoying? Yes. Do you think they are into money laundering? Yes, but that’s not the point. Manifesting a good Monday is easy, just ignore them, shikena. 

2. Have breakfast

A hungry person is an angry person, and an angry person is the devil’s workshop. If food is inside your stomach, you are less likely to want to kill anybody that tries to talk to you, and you鈥檇 be in a good mood. This Information is tested and trusted by the foodie association of Nigeria

3. Enter a bike

Not every time comfort. For one Monday, ride a bike from your house to your office, let the breeze touch your face and your one life flash before your eyes. Cheating death has a way of putting you in a good mood. 

4. Do something that sparks joy

Treat yourself Monday should be a thing. Deceive your brain into thinking that you are happy. The joy good food gives is underrated and underappreciated but it doesn’t have to be food, it could be buying that shoe that has been sitting in your for a month. 

5.  Make a fire playlist

Music makes everything better. All those songs that have been stuck in your head, put them in one playlist. Listen to it while you take a bath, workout, rush to work and help yourself manifest a good Monday.  

6. Don’t open your email until Tuesday

I promise you, nobody will die. Will you possibly lose your job or get reported to HR? Yes, but the point is that nobody will die.

7. Don’t look at your account balance

After spending money you shouldn’t have during the weekend, the best thing you can do is to ignore the lies in your account balance. Don’t check it, especially not on Monday so you don’t fuck up your mood.

8. Don’t go out

Extend your weekend. How could Monday sneak up on you like that? Who made anyone the chief commander of calendar days? For clear skin, extend your weekend and sleep in abeg, stress is not your portion. 

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