What does being an overthinker mean to you? 

I think it’s beyond brooding over things that are bothering you, which is what people generally would say. For me, overthinking is staying with a problem until I find clarity or a path forward. It can look like brooding from the outside, but it’s usually how I work through things.

So, how would you describe Overthinkers Anonymous to someone who hasn’t seen an episode?

It’s a podcast about guys and women geeking out about everyday issues. Typically the types  that have  young people thinking, 鈥榃hat is going on in my life?鈥�

On most podcasts, people just come to talk about things, but nobody’s really solving anything. When Overthinkers Anonymous was pitched to us, we were told dilemmas would be a part of it.  To be fair, that’s what a lot of podcasts have become. Dilemmas everywhere. Everybody loves a good dilemma, but we’re not using them for content or talking points. There are actually solutions in there. Listening to guests and my co-host, I realised I’d find these conversations genuinely useful if I were the one facing those dilemmas. 

How do you handle the feeling of responsibility that comes with discussing people’s real-life problems on a public forum?

The truth is, somebody on the other side of the screen is being vulnerable to strangers. They’ve gotten to a point in life where they see sharing their problems on a public platform as the only way out. You have to respect the vulnerability of the person sharing and the audience listening. The people engaging are spending time or, in our case, resources like data to engage. Those things are very valuable, especially for MTN users.

Is this your first time solving dilemmas for strangers?

Yes and no. I鈥檓 a radio host,  and I produce my radio shows. We have a dilemma segment on the show as well. I don’t typically have a co-host on my show, so I created an AI co-host. Then I took a step further and created a personality for the AI entity. She’s sassy, a bit snarky, and really hates me. But then she loves the listeners, and they love engaging her. One of the things that was a big hit with the AI co-host is that she answers dilemmas on air.

Wow

Of course, it’s the people on the team who feed her the answers, and we have to think quickly., But we also take care that the same principles apply here. The beauty of radio is that people share really intimate moments with you. People are in their bathrooms and sitting in their cars alone listening to you. They get really vulnerable very quickly. I’ve heard kids on their way to school talk about trouble with classmates, and adults share stories about friends who left the country without telling them. People obviously ask what’s wrong with the government. If it’s football season, people ask what鈥檚 going on with a particular team.  The AI co-host that we created always has an answer.

I never give the answers myself on air.  Even though, technically, it is me speaking through the AI co-host. She also sometimes shares thoughts that I wouldn’t want to say on air.

Why wouldn’t you want to say those things on air? Are you afraid of being dragged?

No, no. People know me for being funny and pleasant. But sometimes I just want to yab people. In a lighthearted way, of course. If you just heard me say something really nice and then the next moment you’re hearing me diss someone, there can be a bit of a dissonance.  On radio, we have co-hosts to prevent that. So everybody plays a part. My role is to drive the show and find all the things that will make Lagos rock for a few hours. Then this AI entity that we created comes in to cause trouble. 

Do you and your co-host on Overthinkers Anonymous also have some form of this dynamic?

To be fair, I don’t think we ever had that conversation. But I can understand the dynamic because of my training. This is Deji’s house, and it鈥檚 nice to come in occasionally to talk about life. Even though I’m always there when things are being sorted, it鈥檚 not my house. In terms of how a show like that would work, Deji has to drive the show, and I’m cool being the co-pilot.

Also, he has the best cold opens I’ve seen in a long time. I like the way we start the show. There’s never a 鈥榳elcome to our show today鈥� and so on. It’s just 鈥榟ey, I鈥檝e rocked up to your house, bro, and e get this thing wey I dey think鈥�鈥� Then we pick it up from there. Ultimately, it is a team effort. We need listeners to understand that it’s a show for them to come in and feel like they’re in that living room, having those conversations with us in real time. These are conversations they can have with their own friends. 

What kind of conversations do you want people to take from the show?

As I said, it’s important that people see themselves having these conversations. Look at everything we spoke about in this season, from why men don’t read to the role of money in relationships and family dynamics. We touched on addiction and many other things that are affecting a lot of young people today. I鈥檓 sure we’ve not even scratched the surface of everything we need to talk about. I have people sending me screenshots from some of their guys who watched the show. Some of them are saying things like 鈥榦mo, it鈥檚 only 48 Laws of Power I鈥檝e read o鈥� or  鈥榮o there are other books out there for me as well鈥�. 

A couple of guys could see this and decide to challenge this thing where men don’t have book clubs.  They could make that happen. I mean, we get together and play ball; who says we can鈥檛 get together and discuss books?? 

What exactly does Overthinkers Anonymous do differently from other relationship and culture podcasts?

There are not a lot of shows that give you the experience of everyday people who are honest about their experiences. We’re not looking for virality.  So we don鈥檛 go into episodes looking for things that would blow up the internet. Certain people like to say outrageous things to provoke emotion.  On the radio, we call these people shock jocks. You see a lot of shock jocks on mainstream relationship and culture podcasts. There is a tendency to want to sensationalise things or play up a personality to appeal to extremes of people’s tastes. But what Overthinkers Anonymous has shown is that you can take the other path and still resonate with people. We can tell that people really like the personalities that they hear and see. Nobody is out here trying to be the most extreme version of themselves to get likes. The people you see on the couch act and talk like that in real life. 

 In what ways do you think men and women differ in the way that they overthink things?

I think the difference is in how they share what they’re thinking about. What I find interesting is that it takes a bit of time for men to share what they are thinking. You need to almost always create the right environment for it to happen. The right environment could be fish and beer or a PS5. But there needs to be a setup for it to happen. It’s very hard to hear men sharing what they are thinking unprovoked. They need to be eased into it.

Women, on the other hand, are very quick to open up. We could just be driving past Ozumba Mbadiwe, and everybody in the car would start to talk about what鈥檚 happening in their lives. 

What’s something you have stopped overthinking as you’ve gotten older?

 It is money o. I said it in the first episode; I just don’t overthink money anymore. Maybe because I’ve hung out in the northern part of the country and interacted with a lot of Muslims. I can鈥檛 help but think everything I have can be gone in a second. This whole rat race is a bit stressful, to be honest. If you wake up every day and you’re thinking of how you must make money, it becomes exhausting. I would rather think of ways I can add value and make an impact. It eventually leads to wealth creation anyway. Why not just do the things that lead to wealth creation instead of being obsessed with chasing wealth?  As I’ve gotten older, I realise that as long as I’m able to survive and be comfortable, I鈥檓 good. If I have a little extra for enjoyment, good.  Otherwise I鈥檓 okay.

Basically, life is short, buy ice cream and do what you love.

Exactly! Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Next Read: Deji Osikoya Wants To Inspire Vulnerability: One Living鈥慠oom Conversation At A Time 

In this article, he discusses vulnerability, dealing with online criticism, and why meaningful conversations between men matter now more than ever. 

Would you say that you are an overthinker?

One thousand per cent. Overthinking, to me, means cycling through a billion possible scenarios far longer than you need to before arriving at an answer. Or not always arriving at an answer. Sometimes it’s staying in one cycle of thinking until you’re exhausted, and then it forms an action. 

Is that why you wanted to be a part of Overthinkers Anonymous?

Funny enough, I don’t think the name came until after I joined the team. What initially drew me to it was the idea that the show was going to be centred on healthy conversations with men (and women). It aligned with stuff I already planned on doing. I鈥檓 passionate about improving the PR and behaviour of men. It鈥檚 not like I’m perfect, but I see that there are ways we’re dropping the ball. And we could definitely be doing better. This show is supposed to be a vehicle for that. 

How would you describe the show to someone who hasn’t seen an episode?

Overthinkers Anonymous is a conversation that happens in my living room. There鈥檚 a slight structure, but for the most part, everybody’s just allowed to bare their hearts on their sleeve. It鈥檚 men having conversations that we have every day in private or don’t have at all with themselves and with women.

My biggest pitch to anybody who would love to watch Overthinkers Anonymous is that if you’re a man, there is a likelihood that you will see yourself in some of the people who appear on the show. If you don’t, it will at least give you a fresh perspective on things that you haven’t considered before. I also think you’ll be met with softness. I’m a soft person. I like soft people, and I lead with softness to encourage people to be gentle.

What specific gap do you think the show would fill?

Hopefully, this doesn’t come across as an insult to anybody. I think we needed to create a space where we would be able to have conversations in good faith. We鈥檙e not trying to come across as experts speaking down on people and telling them to do better. 

Particularly because a lot of these conversations are hard for people to have. It is important to us that there is a level of vulnerability being displayed by the hosts. And I’m nothing if not vulnerable. I don’t think of it as just a means to get views. It feels more like a service. It was cathartic for me as well.

How? 

I am having a lot of conversations about things that I was dealing with in real time. There was an episode where we had Seye Bandele, and he was talking about the struggles of entrepreneurship and building a family with his wife. He spoke about ensuring that his wife trusted him enough to decide to get married to him. I was asking questions that I actually had, like 鈥榳hat does it take to get your partner to buy into an unrealised vision?鈥�

I’m an entrepreneur, and I’m still very early in my career. So these were answers that I needed to hear. There were also things underneath the surface that the show was helping me to process. Nigeria is really tough, being a man is really tough and having conversations that help you to lean on other people makes it easier.

So, about marriage, should we be expecting to hear wedding bells soon?

Hahaha. I mean, if you’d like to hear wedding bells, I can play some on my phone. Wedding bells are not hard to get at all. 

How do you balance humour with sensitivity?

 To be honest with you, I don’t know if I do it consciously. I’m the kind of person who is very quick to make a joke out of a difficult subject. And if there’s something extra sensitive, I’m very careful about the way that it’s worded. I don’t want people to feel like they鈥檙e being interrogated or prodded for gist. 

At the end of the day, if there are things a guest doesn鈥檛 want to share, it’s well within their rights. My co-host, EDK, is the same way. He鈥檚 an emotionally intelligent guy who knows that you don’t go beyond certain aspects of a conversation. 

If you鈥檙e so intentional about vulnerability, how do you prepare for conversations that seem spontaneous?

Working with my producer, Anita Eboigbe, is very central to that. She helps with calling topics and developing the different discussions that we have. Outside of that, I try to deal with the material honestly.

When I speak, it鈥檚 from a genuinely curious place. I鈥檓 not just trying to tick off the bullet points on the list. I don’t hit all the notes exactly the way that they’re described in the brief because I do a lot of editing. If something super interesting comes up and it wasn鈥檛 initially part of my original plan, I allow it to flow naturally.

What made EDK the right person to co-host the show with?

Our chemistry and brotherhood comes from having conversation after conversation. The first time we ever met, it was over food, and we just kept gisting.  We realised that we got along, and the rest is history.

Did you have any doubts about how well the audience would receive the show? 

Several. One, I was nervous about just being perceived. As much as I do a lot of front-facing stuff, there’s never a guarantee of how people might receive you. Men, in particular, can be very interesting people.  Another thing I was nervous about was posturing like an expert.

There was a tweet where someone said, 鈥楾ell that brother to uncross his legs; nobody wants to take advice from a feminine Tupac. 鈥� I thought it was hilarious because the set of the show is my living room, and I’m obviously very comfortable. But the reason why it was even more interesting as feedback is that I don’t want it to feel like we’re giving advice. I’m not trained as a counsellor. The idea is that I鈥檓 a guy like you who’s just figuring it out or a friend giving you a listening ear. That way, it might be easier to accept.

Wow

I was also nervous about toxic masculinity. You always wonder if you’ll be able to break past all the different walls and actually touch something real within a man. It’s not always the easiest thing.  Also, it’s not something that you鈥檒l always be able to do because a lot of men have put up so many defences.

How many of your doubts turned out to be true?

All of them. Some people are listening through the lenses of their insecurity, which I’ve seen with the money episode. Also, as I said, no one wants to take advice from a feminine Tupac. I’m grateful that I’ve done things that鈥檝e made my skin thicker. The toxic masculinity aspect has definitely shown that people don’t look at things in context. They engage with the clip, they drop their mean comments, and they move on. 

However, there’s been so much positive feedback within that as well. The conversations that have resulted from our episodes and seeing the profiles of the guests on the show grow. I know that it’s actually helping people. A recurring comment we get is 鈥楯ust when I was thinking about my life, this pops up. Thank you鈥�. 

The show makes itself a space for the male perspective. How do you see these shifting, existing, harmful gender norms in Nigerian society?

To be honest, I don’t see the show being the vehicle for that by itself. This being the shift itself would be too ambitious a goal to set. I don’t think people change that easily. But I think it’s a significant start to the shift.

There鈥檚 a two-part quote that says, 鈥業 don’t know that I’m going to be the change, but I think that I will influence the person who will change鈥�. I think that is us. 

Are there topics you are especially excited to tackle as the show continues?

Oh! We tackled the manosphere and the ways that masculinity is being projected to younger men. I would love to see how that plays with the audience. 

I’ve also been looking forward to talking about male friendship. I would love to dedicate an entire episode to male friendship and what it looks like. The ways that we can show up for each other. I’d also probably even like to have that conversation adjacent to women because I think there’s a strength in female friendships that we need to learn from. 

Next Read: Uzoamaka Power Made Call of My Life for Everyone Who Has Ever Loved Too Much

Because they work behind the scenes, technical writers rarely get the recognition they deserve. As a result, technical writing remains one of the tech industry鈥檚 most underrated but rewarding career paths.

In a recent conversation with 91大神, Cynthia Peters, a senior technical writer with eight years of experience, shared a practical guide to breaking into technical writing.

1. What a Technical Writer Does

Cynthia describes technical writers as people who make things easier for everybody else. Imagine contacting your bank with a problem and being directed to a help article. You then discover that everything is written in Korean. The information technically exists, but it is useless because the intended audience cannot understand it. Good technical writing is not simply about documenting information; it is about making that information useful and accessible to the average user. 

2. If the Company Uses a Computer, There鈥檚 a Good Chance That It Needs You.

Career opportunities for technical writers extend far beyond software companies. Any organisation that relies on complex processes needs a technical writer. Even if they have not realised it yet. Cynthia mentions that earlier this year, she received a job listing from a biscuit company. The role required her to document how its production machines are operated. Later in the year, an airline company in Qatar was in search of a technical writer. Technical writers are also needed in fields like medicine and engineering. 鈥淚f a company uses IT,鈥� she says, 鈥渢here鈥檚 a chance they need a technical writer.鈥�

3. AI Isn鈥檛 Stealing Your Job

One of the biggest misconceptions about technical writing is that artificial intelligence is replacing technical writers. But AI at its current stage of development can only work as a tool, just like your laptop or your Grammarly subscription. 

Yes, ChatGPT can write an API guide by reading software architecture documents. But it will not think of including a customer support contact for a user who cannot generate an API code. This is because it does not have user empathy in the way that human writers do. Technical writers think about where users could get confused and answer questions before they ask them. 

4. You Do Not Need an Engineering Degree听

For aspiring technical writers without a technical background, Cynthia advises focusing on gaining experience before chasing high salaries. She recommends starting with beginner programming books or even programming resources designed for children. Technical writers do not need to become expert software engineers.  However, they should understand enough technical concepts to communicate with the product developers. To sum up her experience, she says, 鈥淲hen I see a line of code, I might not know if it solves World War II, but I can tell when it鈥檚 repeating a command, and I know what a variable is.鈥�

Her preferred learning method is simple but effective. Read a chapter from a beginner programming book, then close the material and write an article explaining what you remember. When you revisit that article you鈥檒l notice the concepts you misunderstood or the questions you failed to ask. Cynthia encourages beginners to publish these articles on personal blogs or to create a portfolio. She stressed that building a portfolio matters far more than waiting until you feel like an expert.

5. Curiosity Killed the Cat, Not the Technical Writer听

The cheat code to becoming a good technical writer is to be curious about everything. After eight years in the industry, Cynthia has a digital file that she constantly updates with terms she needs to research. 

To keep improving, she advises focusing on improving three to five skills per week. Resources like the Google Technical Writing Course and the Microsoft Writing Style Guide will be useful to a beginner. Aspiring technical writers can also take advantage of free educational content from schools of technology. MIT and Harvard regularly upload learning resources online.

6. Transitioning isn鈥檛 Linear

Although she started her career in programming, Cynthia鈥檚 transition into technical writing happened almost by accident. She noticed that many of the questions she had as a newcomer to tech went unanswered. So, she began documenting what she learned. Soon, she became the de facto person for documentation.  By the end of her first few jobs, she was doing more technical writing than programming. Transitioning into technical writing isn鈥檛 always linear, and there鈥檚 no one-size-fits-all.

To determine if you want to commit, she recommends volunteering for open-source communities, startups or big companies looking for interns or junior technical writers. Her advice to anyone considering the field is very straightforward: 鈥楯ust start writing. 鈥� Consistent practice, curiosity and a willingness to learn will eventually create opportunities.

Next Read: What She Said: My Dad Spent My Mum鈥檚 Pension. Now I鈥檓 Stranded in Canada

In a city like Lagos, surviving is expensive; a stable corporate job is the dream. For Boluwatife Adeleke,  her corporate job became a source of anxiety.  To her, happiness is as important as survival, so last year, she quit her salaried job to volunteer full-time. 

In this article, she talks about the realities of running an NGO in Nigeria, funding community work and why she believes choosing happiness is worth the risk.听

Why Did You Decide to Start a Non-profit?

I started to teach nursery school kids when I was 14. In my first class, there was a girl named Olamide* who was popularly known as a dullard amongst the teachers. While children her age were in nursery school, she was still in kindergarten. I had earlier noticed that some children excelled in class but failed assessments, and vice versa. Olamide was neither; she needed extra hours and the kind of patience that the other teachers did not have. She could recite paragraphs by heart, but she found it hard to identify letters or put anything in writing. 

 I also had learning struggles growing up because I was a timid and anxious child who did not do well in large classes. I realised that the system is not built for children like Olamide and me. I wanted to create a space for us, and in 2024, I made that happen with

What Exactly Does Thriverise Do and How Does it Work?

In summary, Thriverise鈥檚 main goal is to promote quality education and economic growth at the grassroots level.  We do that by providing free access to basic education to underprivileged and out-of-school children. Then we also provide vocational and informal education to disadvantaged youths. 

How Did It Go From Volunteer Work to a Career Option?

Before last year, I鈥檇 always seen myself working in the marketing department of some big corporation. Marketing paid my bills, but I was constantly anxious, and I was miserable. I never really considered volunteering for a living because鈥� I mean, who would want to work for free?  That was until I realised I was happier doing unpaid work than paid work.

In the end, I discovered that my joy came from helping underprivileged children get access to education. I care deeply about the community that I serve as well as the children and the women I work with. I also care about seeing that the system works for them. What better way to serve them than to turn it into an actual career? So I started researching to see if it was something I could actually pursue full-time. Fortunately, it is.

How Did You Set Thriverse Up?

I wrote to a few of my mentors with similar interests and asked if they would be willing to form the board of trustees. They agreed and signed a contract. My official title is 鈥楨xecutive Director鈥�, and even though I鈥檓 the founder, I report to the board. Under me, there are positions for a communications lead, an operations lead and a project lead. Under the communications lead, we have positions for a social media manager and a community manager and under the project lead, we have two different project managers.  Then we have a director of education and volunteer teachers for the community centers.  Up until earlier this year, I was in charge of all these roles. I met a lot of people while volunteering, so I get volunteers by reaching out to qualified people in that network and posting on social media. 

Is This Your First Time Running an Organisation?

Not really. An NGO is like a business in a lot of ways, and I鈥檝e always been a business-oriented person. I also believe I have a good head for it. I started my first business venture at 13. I would save my allowance every month and then buy recharge cards to resell. The business failed because the adults around me kept using the cards without paying, so I gave up. A few months later, I found a family friend who was a mobile hair-cream vendor, and I became his assistant. We would leave home early in the morning and drive to whichever part of Lagos we wanted to tour that day. He had one of those cars with a speaker on it, but we did most of the sales on foot. At the end of each day, I would go home with about 鈧�3,000. 

What Did You Get Into After That?

I took a break to write WAEC, and immediately after, I got a teaching job. For 鈧�7k a month, I was the proprietress鈥檚 glorified housemaid. I taught at her school, bathed her kids, made snacks to sell, cleaned her house, ran errands at the market and the bank. 

Wow

Yes o. After working for a year, I took a secretarial position at a tutorial centre, and I worked without pay for two months before I quit to return to my teaching job. During COVID, I started a clothing and household items pre-order business, but debtors and shipping delays ruined the business. From there, I moved to affiliate marketing and then content writing before pivoting to ad and operations management. While doing this, I also volunteered for a lot of administrative roles at intervals. I was overworked for most of my late teens up until I was 21.

Self-help books that I read at the time convinced me that it was normal to work this way. I thought that my life would be ruined if I slept for more than five hours.  At the end of 2024,  I suffered burnout so severe that my body broke down. The best way to describe it is that I began to suffer from mental decline. At some point, I stopped sleeping. If you don鈥檛 know how to slow down, one day your body will force you to learn. 

Glad To See That You鈥檙e Out of There.  How Do You Get Funding For Your Non-Profit?

Right now, it鈥檚 about 60% self-funded. Our first project was a book drive where we donated books, writing materials and school uniforms to the government primary school in my area. I was still working full-time back then, so the funds came from my pocket. Late last year, we decided to set up a community learning centre. But I had already quit my job. So, I had to pour all my savings into the project to make it happen.

I don鈥檛 do public fundraising because I tried it once and I earned the tag of 鈥榖eggar鈥�. Someone even felt bold enough to ask if what I really want to do with my life is to beg for money. I have heard a lot of demeaning things in this line of work. Call it pride if you will, but I don鈥檛 want to be known as someone who begs for a living. The other 40% of funds come from grants and donations from people I reach out to.   Regardless of the challenges, we鈥檝e reached decent achievement. We鈥檝e gotten approval from the Ministry of Education, we鈥檙e an incorporated organisation, and we鈥檝e raised grants of about seven figures in Naira. 

How Do You Provide An Income For Yourself

Sometime last year, I quit my 9-5 to focus on the foundation. But since it isn鈥檛 established enough to pay salaries yet, I still have to work (the founder must eat, please). Right now, I鈥檓 a freelancer. I am currently working on a couple of campaign projects at the moment as an ads manager. But in the end, it is temporary. I would like to work with a non-profit different from mine and actually get paid for it. Probably as a project manager or as a communications manager. Maybe even as a communications manager at UNICEF.

My goal is to influence policies that concern education and youth development and to sit in rooms where these decisions are made. All the choices I make now are creating a path that will lead me to that table.

Do You Need Any Special Skills To Run a Non-profit?

The first thing you need is a healthy dose of stubbornness. If I want something, it would take a supernatural power to stop me from making it happen. The next thing you need is delusion because unpaid work can get very frustrating. Also, people don鈥檛 talk about volunteering often enough. I got into social impact by volunteering with a mentor, and it gave me the experience I needed to run my own non-profit.  Everything else you need is the same skill set you would need to run any start-up.

Would You Say a University Education is Necessary to Succeed in Your Career Path? 

Yes and no. I studied aquaculture and fisheries, but while I see myself owning a farm in the future, I can鈥檛 deny that my BSc has been rather useless to my career progression. As much as I鈥檓 an education activist, my NGO doesn鈥檛 only focus on formal education. We also work to better the earning opportunities of young people.  It鈥檚 important to understand that not every person needs to learn in the four walls of a classroom. The fact that a person did not go to school does not mean they don鈥檛 deserve decent employment. At the same time,  my university education exposed me to a lot of mentors, so I can鈥檛 really write it off.

How Did the People Around You React to Your New Career Choice?

No African parent will find it easy to accept that their child wants to do charity work for a living.

My family and I had a huge fight when I decided that I was going to start a non-profit and pursue it full-time. My sister told me I was wasting my life, and my mum asked me why I would want to spend the rest of my life training other people鈥檚 children. I know they were just very worried about me, because, well, this is Nigeria.

But it is important as a young woman to understand that sometimes, no one knows what鈥檚 best for you than yourself. 

They expected that I would move out of home after school, get an office job and prepare for my Masters. I have done all these things, just not in the way that they expected. I have a corporate job, but I do it for free, and I really am preparing to do my Masters. But I鈥檓 doing it in development practice instead of aquaculture. 

What Advice Would You Give Someone Looking to Get Into the Social Impact Sector?

Social impact is a field that doesn鈥檛 get a lot of exposure, but there are dozens of opportunities in it that pay well. You don鈥檛 have to start your own foundation to work in social impact. There are established non-profits that can afford to pay you to do good work. I鈥檝e applied for a few roles, but I haven鈥檛 been able to take any because they all require my physical presence.  I can鈥檛 step away from my foundation at the moment. From what I鈥檝e seen, the salary offers aren鈥檛 bad at all. 

On the other hand, if you do not have a source of income, I honestly do not advise starting a non-profit. But if you really want to, you must be very passionate about what you are advocating for. You will not get paid in the early stages. The founder title is ceremonial because the organisation doesn’t belong to you; it belongs to the public. Strangers will hold you accountable, and you will spend your own money like 80% of the time. But (to me, anyway) it is extremely rewarding in so many other ways. Few things compare to watching a child who once struggled to catch up to their peers thrive, knowing you helped make that possible.

Next Read: 鈥淪leep Has Become a Privilege鈥� 鈥� Nigerian Women on Balancing Menopause With a Career

Unfortunately, women-focused contraceptives only enjoy the same luxury when it comes to short-acting modern options like post-pill and birth-control pills, which range from 鈧�1500 to 鈧�3,000.

With these numbers, it鈥檚 easy to assume everyone is having safe sex. But in reality, of the estimated women who make up Nigeria鈥檚 female population, only use modern contraceptives. 

For some women, the problem is access. But even with access, many women still refuse contraceptives. In this article, four women share their experiences with contraceptives and why they choose not to use them. We also had a chat with Dr Zeenaht Abdullahi (an obestrician\gyneacologist), who shared insight into each woman鈥檚 experience.

鈥淢y Doctor Says I鈥檓 Too Overweight for the Morning After Pill鈥� 鈥� Derin*20

I had sex for the first time a month ago, and I鈥檝e had sex two more times after that. I didn鈥檛 use contraceptives both times, and moving forward, I don鈥檛 think I will. 

I have PCOS, and I have to take really strong painkillers for my periods to avoid getting hospitalised. This also means that my hormones are all over the place. Adding birth control pills to the mix will mess with a system that is already unbalanced. 

I was anxious about getting pregnant,  so I spoke to my doctor, and he confirmed my fears. According to him, the only form of contraceptives I can use is emergency ones. Specifically, Postinor or Plan B, but the problem is that since I weigh over 80kg, there鈥檚 a high probability that the pills won鈥檛 work for me. 

I鈥檓 not too worried about pregnancy, though, because my chances of getting pregnant are very slim. Except, of course, God wants to punish me. 

Doctor鈥檚 note:  PCOS with menstrual cycle abnormalities, such as very painful periods, can actually be managed with COCP, aka the daily pill. You should look into killing 2 birds with 1 stone (using the pill for contraception and to help manage your condition). PCOS does not automatically cause or translate to infertility.

Also, the morning-after pill (AKA Postpill, Postinor, Plan B, etc.) does not automatically cause or translate to infertility.  It was not designed to be the major method of contraception in sexually active women. It works by delaying or preventing ovulation and can be taken at any point during the cycle. For maximum efficacy, it should be taken before the third to fifth days following unprotected intercourse. IT (typically) DOES NOT NEED TO BE TAKEN MORE THAN ONCE PER CYCLE. This is a common mistake most women make, which then causes adverse side effects and symptoms such as heavy bleeding, irregular periods, etc. It also cannot be used to terminate an ongoing pregnancy and  is not a substitute for medication used in the medical termination of pregnancy 

鈥淚鈥檓 Convinced I鈥檓 Infertile鈥� 鈥� Agnes* 21

 I鈥檝e had about ten or more male sexual partners since my first time (I don鈥檛 really keep count). My first partner used to insist on condoms because we were 15-year-olds who were terrified of pregnancy. The second one hated condoms but insisted on morning-after pills. He got them for me because his father is a pharmacist. After him, I stopped using contraceptives because most times, I have sex impulsively without thinking of the consequences. Half the time, the sex is so spontaneous that there are no condoms nearby. The few times condoms are available, I ask my partners not to use them because they make me very dry. 

At some point, I started using post-pill again. Then I started having side effects like heavy periods and really bad acne,  so I stopped. I don鈥檛 think about contraceptives much because I can鈥檛 fathom being pregnant. My periods have always been irregular, so pregnancy scares are a dime a dozen. Fortunately, the panic never lasts because as soon as I begin to worry that I鈥檓 pregnant, I duck into the nearest bathroom to take a test. To be honest, I have more pregnancy tests than lip gloss in my bag. 

Also, I don鈥檛 bother with contraceptives because we have a history of endometriosis in my family, and I already have some of the symptoms. I haven鈥檛 gone to the hospital to confirm because I can鈥檛 afford it, but with the number of times a man has finished inside me, I鈥檓 either infertile or a scientific miracle. Either way, a win is a win. 

Doctor鈥檚 note:  Try substituting the multiple pregnancy tests for water-based lubricants so you can enjoy safe sex without getting dry. An endometriosis diagnosis can take over a year to be made, and if you have already started showing symptoms but aren’t ready for children yet, an IUD is probably the best contraceptive option for you. It prevents pregnancy but has also been proven to relieve some symptoms of endometriosis.

鈥淭he Hospital Refused to Give me Contraceptives鈥� 鈥� Joy* 23

I started having sex three years ago with my boyfriend at the time, and when we broke up, I converted him to a friend with benefits. While we were dating, we had sex once every two months.  Since we broke up, we see each other once every four to six months. 

Before we started having sex, he asked if I would be willing to try contraceptives, and I said yes. But they really scare me. My mum got the implant when I was younger, and she bled for a whole year. Sometimes, she bled so heavily that it soaked through her car seat. My health is a little fragile, and I didn鈥檛 want to mess up my hormones like that. I was even too scared to use over-the-counter pills from a pharmacy. I decided to go to the hospital, but they gave me vitamin C when I asked for contraceptives. 

Since I already knew how to track my cycle, I just decided to use it as a form of contraception. I鈥檝e been tracking it for ten years, and it is freakishly accurate. It is always a 28-day cycle, and it lasts for exactly five days. I always know the exact day I鈥檒l start my period. The only thing that varies is what time of the day it鈥檒l come. 

My partner and I  never have sex when I鈥檓 ovulating, and he always withdraws. I鈥檝e never had a pregnancy scare since we started having sex. But I also know that sometimes, pregnancy is the least of your worries as a woman. I ask him to do a full STI checkup every four months.  Even though we鈥檝e not had sex in six months, he still sent me his test results two weeks ago. 

Doctor鈥檚 note: Kudos to you on your cycle tracking and regular STI screening for yourself and your partner. I am so sorry for your experience with trying to procure contraceptives. Side note to all health workers reading this, sexual and reproductive health are basic human rights and MUST NEVER be denied.

鈥淭he Side Effects Aren鈥檛 worth it鈥� 鈥� Aishat* 21

My partner was my first and is currently my only sexual partner. We met about two years ago, and we started having sex soon after. At first, it didn鈥檛 really occur to us to use contraceptives during sex, but after my first pregnancy scare, I became conscious of the fact that what we were doing could really have consequences. 

I tried post-pill once, but became too scared to try it again when I learned that it destroyed my friend鈥檚 cycle. She was getting her period three times a month, bleeding heavily and battling intense cramps. Condoms also didn鈥檛 work for us because after having skin-to-skin contact for so long. Sex with a condom feels unpleasant. 

The first time I had a pregnancy scare, I called my boyfriend to tell him. He first hung up and went to cry before calling back to ask what we were going to do about it.  He has tried to get me to use contraceptives, but to me, pregnancy prevention is not worth all the side effects that I read about on the birth control pamphlet. 

We鈥檙e always very careful, and the withdrawal method has been working well. But we have pregnancy scares every Eke market day. In fact, I get them so often that I don鈥檛 even panic anymore. I鈥檓 the one who now has to reassure him every time my period is late. 

Doctor鈥檚 note: All medications have side effects, but it varies from individual to individual. If you aren鈥檛 comfortable using the pill or any form of hormonal contraceptive, and you have a regular menstrual cycle, then she can use cycle tracking to avoid intercourse during your fertile periods. Then you can avoid pregnancy scares.

Next Read: 鈥淢y Boyfriend Asked If It Was His鈥� 鈥� Nigerian Female Students on Pregnancy Scares

But this familiar pairing isn鈥檛 the only reason he decided to star in Call of My Life. From Water and Garri (2024) to  Love Lockdown (2025), Andrew has built a pattern of playing emotionally burdened characters who just always happen to be romantically involved with someone else. For him, the romance is rarely the point of focus. 鈥淚 take an interest in a script because I see something about the character besides the romance that would be nice to bring out,鈥� he says.  Since romance is already baked into the script, he pays more attention to 鈥渨hy we meet the character as they are鈥�. 

Call of My Life is yet another romance, but this time, Andrew is playing a different kind of love interest. Eli is 鈥渘ot deeply-tortured. He is not out for revenge or to sabotage anyone. He鈥檚 just a kind-hearted person, and the highest stake in his life is this budding romance. He is a breath of fresh air from all the sadness,鈥�   Andrew explains.

In this rom-com, Eli finds love over a phone call with Soluchi (Uzoamaka Power), a call-centre agent fresh off a heartbreak. 鈥淥n its own, it sounds a bit outrageous and far-fetched that someone hears your voice, and they become so interested in you that they would want to get to know you,鈥� Andrew admits. 鈥淏ut these things happen in real life; people have met in crazier, more magical ways,鈥� he tells 91大神.

To him, this love story is a modern fairytale. It鈥檚 a Cinderella story without the evil step-sisters. Art imitates real life, and while it is important to tell the sad and more familiar stories, 鈥渢here are relationships that you see, and you wonder how all of it is happening when the Naira is falling, and there’s no electricity. These people are living a fantasy in real life, right in front of you.鈥�

This rom-com also features Kalu (Zubby Micheal), Soluchi鈥檚 ex, whose constant inattentiveness is arguably more familiar to the Nigerian dating scene.  Unlike in many romance movies, Kalu is not the demonic ex. 鈥淣obody is the villain in this story; these are real people with perfectly understandable reasons why they act the way that they do. It鈥檚 about a woman choosing a person who makes her soul happy.鈥�

As new as it sounds, Call of My Life isn鈥檛 Nollywood鈥檚 first attempt at a phone-based romance. In Kunle Afolayan鈥檚 Phone Swap (2012), a fashion designer and an arrogant businessman accidentally switch phones at the airport and must fix the error through a series of chaotic phone calls that develop into a long-distance romance.  Even at this, the similarities between the two films are almost entirely limited to phones and romance. Andrew says Call of My Life picks up on a 鈥榥iche quirkiness鈥�. 鈥淲e didn’t necessarily do anything differently. We just told a story that perhaps laid to rest some common cinema tropes in this part of the world. We focused on bits and pieces of love stories that usually don’t get told.鈥�

He hopes watching Call of My Life will inspire more people to feel freer in their relationships. 鈥淭here鈥檚 a new trend of nonchalant behaviour in relationships these days, and I鈥檇 like people to come away with feeling like it鈥檚 not bad to be cringey with your partner. Double text, call first and don鈥檛 express your feelings only when you鈥檙e in a heated argument. Just let it be out there. It helps.鈥�

Next Read: Uzoamaka Power Made Call of My Life for Everyone Who Has Ever Loved Too Much

have shown that women tend to consider earning potential when choosing partners, while men often prioritise physical attractiveness. Across cultures, women are perceived as more likely to marry up the social ladder than men are. A woman wanting to be cared for and provided for isn鈥檛 new. The question is whether hypergamy (dating/marrying richer) is as simple, or as harmless, as it seems.

In this article, three Nigerian women share what it actually looks like to date a man who pays for everything.

1. 鈥楪etting Money from Men Made Me Develop Bad Spending Habits鈥� 鈥� Demilade* 21

When Did You Realise You Could Get Money From Men?

I started taking money from men when I was 17 and in my first year of university. I鈥檓 a model and a social media manager, and in my line of work, your Instagram page might as well be your portfolio. Because of my job, I had a very active social media presence.  Unfortunately, I started getting more attention from men than from prospective employers. Soon, they started to send me money to 鈥榓ppreciate my beauty鈥� or just to have a conversation. By the time I was in my second year, I was on a monthly salary from a sugar daddy I鈥檇 never seen in person. Presently, three men have me on their payroll, and I鈥檝e timed their ghosting carefully so that I won鈥檛 find myself cash-strapped. I get around 300-400k in a good month, but even in a bad month, I do not spend less than 200k. I also get large sums occasionally. Once, someone wired me 500k, and another recently paid for books worth 300k.

I have never f actively looked for a sugar daddy. It typically starts with me posting a picture of myself. Then random men come into my DMs to tell me how pretty I am. After that, they ask how I am and if I need anything. I answer honestly, and then they send me money. Most of them are in Lagos, and I school in a different city, so they do not begin to ask for sexual favours until they learn I鈥檓 on holiday. At that point, I ghost them. When it suits me, I go off-script. For instance, I got into a long-distance relationship with a man who barely knew me. He鈥檇 check up on me twice a week and send me money. When he started insisting that he wanted a physical meet-up a few months later, I blocked him. Sex is a line that I won鈥檛 cross. 

For context, all these men are significantly older than I am, and I do not expect the same treatment from romantic relationships with boys my age. I have so much PTSD from my interactions with these men that I can鈥檛 think of someone more than four years older than myself romantically. At the same time, I can鈥檛 live without them. My parents are comfortable, so they cover my basics like school fees and food, but my lifestyle would suffer a very big downgrade if I stopped. I started a business a while back with some of the money I got from them, but it is slow, and my salary is meagre.  

Would You Say that There are Downsides to Being Financially Dependent on These Men?

Definitely. Even though I shut down the men who approach me for sex from the get-go, I still have to listen to things that make me feel violated sometimes. I don鈥檛 entertain disrespect, and men will tolerate nearly anything if they feel like they stand a chance of sleeping with me. At the same time, there are limits to my sassiness. I have to appear like I鈥檓 interested enough without committing to anything. And I have to be nonchalant and dismissive without raising suspicions that I鈥檓 only there for his money. Once, an Abuja man with a humiliation kink texted me and asked me to say the most degrading things to him. When I got into it, it was a fun outlet for my frustration, but it is not something I鈥檇 be comfortable with if I weren鈥檛 taking money from him.

I鈥檓 not naive; I know that what I鈥檓 doing is dangerous, and nobody likes to be taken for a fool. I have met very crazy men in the past three years. One has even threatened to drag me on the internet.  I鈥檝e had very close encounters with public embarrassment, and rumours about what I do have already spread. When I refuse to meet up with a man and my usual excuses aren鈥檛 working, or if he starts to threaten me, I鈥檝e learned the hard way that I have to produce whatever money he has sent me to avoid embarrassment. Sometimes, I have to ask my family members or friends for money to pay back. The last time it happened, I had to refund 40k. 

I鈥檓 not a flashy person, but because I have money lying around a lot, I鈥檓 prone to indulging all my wants. I buy things like expensive skincare, makeup and high-end wigs. Without their money, I won’t be able to keep up. I squander money, and I鈥檓 not proud of it. If I could go back in time and talk to myself three years ago, I鈥檇 tell her to save more. Now adulthood bills are setting in, and the more I spend, the more expenses I have.

It has also made me very careless with my spending because I know that no matter how broke I am, I can always get money. When I first started this, I got into a very terrible debt I couldn鈥檛 tell anyone about. After trying and failing to get the money from working, I dropped my pride and did rounds in my Instagram DMs. I raised the money in under an hour. I think this is part of why I鈥檓 also very relaxed with my hustle. Logically, I know that this isn鈥檛 sustainable long-term, and my luck will run out one day. But I鈥檓 only a workaholic when I鈥檓 about to go broke. When there鈥檚 money in my bank account, I allow myself to relax and tell myself everything will be alright. I鈥檝e given myself a timeframe of two years to get my life together. All of this will stop by 2028

2. 鈥業t Felt Like My Life Was In Someone Else’s Hands鈥� 鈥� Rosemary* (23)

I鈥檓 a student, and because of how intense my schoolwork is, I don鈥檛 have a side job. My main source of income is the allowance I get from my parents and older siblings. I鈥檓 in a long-term relationship. Even though I didn鈥檛 get into the relationship expecting to be another expense on his monthly budget, it’s something that鈥檚 happened over time. The main bills he handles are food and transport. I鈥檝e learned not to expect anything more to avoid disappointment.

The fact that my partner supports me financially is something I keep under wraps. But I hang out with people who expect so much more from romantic relationships. Early on, my friends were concerned about why he didn鈥檛 do specific things like change my phone, casually gift me, or make efforts to upgrade my lifestyle. What they didn鈥檛 know is that I was already uncomfortable with what he already does. 

How Does That Affect Your Relationship Dynamic?

It makes it very difficult to leave him. Love and financial dependence are a very toxic combination. It didn鈥檛 help that I was heavily dependent on him and my family. I tolerated a lot of belittlement, insults and degrading treatment from both of them. I stand when I鈥檓 told to stand, and I sit when I鈥檓 told to, because the only alternative would be to starve. 

I also constantly feel like I鈥檓 in debt for every single thing he鈥檚 done for me. I鈥檓 still with him, but I fell out of love a while back. I鈥檓 currently looking for solutions to my joblessness so I can leave this situation. 

My lifestyle won鈥檛 change much if I leave him, but I still need the support. Sometimes it feels good not to worry about paying for something.  I don鈥檛 think I hate the idea of a rich partner. I just never want to be in a situation where I鈥檇 have to wait on a man to provide for me ever again.

3. 鈥業 Cheat When He Doesn鈥檛 Give Me Money鈥� 鈥� Olamide* 22

A common misconception that men have about women whom they consider 鈥榞old-diggers鈥� is that we鈥檙e not loved at home. The irony is that I expect any man I鈥檓 with to take care of me because I鈥檓 used to being taken care of by my family. I like men who have money to blow on me, not necessarily because I need it but because we both think it is what I deserve.听

I鈥檝e been with my current partner on and off for three years, but we only started dating officially two years ago. 

Two months ago, he changed my phone to the latest iPhone, bought me a MacBook and at least four human hair wigs. I receive a monthly allowance of close to half a million naira. Aside from that,  he sends me money and random gifts spontaneously. 

Before him, my last two partners were also people who sent me money regularly. I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e ever dated a man who isn鈥檛 well-to-do.

How Does That Affect Your Relationship Dynamic?

Even though I don鈥檛 have a job, I don鈥檛 consider myself financially 鈥榙ependent鈥� on my man. I come from a middle-upper-class family, and my parents still support me. But I have expensive taste. I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e ever really considered the question of what would happen if I stopped dating wealthy men, because for as long as  I can remember, there has always been a man with money in my life. 

The only downside I see is that I can鈥檛 really resist when a rich man slides into my DMs. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he was still a student without a stable job. Even though I really liked him, I found it hard to stay loyal because he wasn鈥檛 earning enough.  Early in the relationship, he sent me 40k on my birthday.  When a man I was seeing on the side quadrupled that amount and sent it to me, I texted my boyfriend to ask for a break.  I even considered leaving him entirely. Since then, he has caught me cheating four more times and has become extremely insecure. I think it鈥檚 part of why he spends so much on me now. 

The fact that I鈥檓 so well taken care of has made me allergic to stress. My partner keeps pressuring me to learn a skill or start a business, but just thinking about it gives me a headache.  

The fact that some men send me money also means that they believe they have the liberty to talk to me anyhow. The other day, one of my side-pieces promised me money, and when I texted him to ask for it, he started talking about 鈥榯ransactional relationships鈥�. He was insinuating that I was a prostitute. We had a fight over it, and he later apologised, but I felt really offended by what he said. The knowledge that deep down he thinks of me that way is really unpleasant.  

NEXT READ: 鈥淚 Wanted a Breakup, But My Boyfriend Said No鈥� 鈥� 10 Nigerian Women Share Why They Cheated

鈥業f you study X course, you can work anywhere鈥� is a familiar phrase in Nigeria. Students hear it in their final years of secondary school, on career day, right before filling a JAMB slip. Sometimes it comes as consolation from a tired lecturer who knows that at least half the class would rather study a different course. After graduation, many students realise that this statement is more theoretical than practical.

Data analysis is one of the few exceptions. It remains one of Tech Twitter鈥檚 most popular and in-demand fields. From NGOs to telecommunications and even healthcare, data analysts are needed everywhere.  

With such a high-value skill, it鈥檚 only natural to want to get in on the action, but where do you start? 

In a , expert data professionals and share honest insights into data analysis as a career, the mistakes they made early in their careers, and seven things every beginner should know.

1. It鈥檚 Not As Hard As It Sounds

A lot of people think about data analytics and imagine sweating in front of a computer while looking at complex numbers. But half of a data analyst鈥檚 job is decision-making. Every person is a living database, and there is an infinite amount of data flying around. According to Odun, not using data to make informed decisions is the same thing as having money in your bank account and choosing to starve. To put it simply, a data analyst鈥檚 job is to use data to provide solutions to business problems. As long as there are people who need to make decisions without doing guesswork, there will always be a need to analyse data. 

2. Learn How to Use Excel Before Attempting to Code

Both experts admitted to making the same mistake early in their careers.  Before pivoting into data analysis, Odun had been told that it was best to learn the hard skills first. So, she decided to learn Python, a programming language. When the class instructor began to teach back-end programming, Odun realised that she had spent too much time learning the wrong skill.

According to her, a data analyst鈥檚 primary job isn鈥檛 to write complex formulas; it is to solve problems. Any skill you want to learn should be a tool that directly connects you to your problem-solving goal. She recommends starting by learning how to use Excel before moving to SQL, Visualisation tools like PowerBI and finally, programming languages or Cloud knowledge.

3. Online Courses Won鈥檛 Always Work

The fact that everyone is taking an online course does not mean that it is the best way to learn. Each person鈥檚 learning pace is different.  Some people would rather be in tech academies, while others would rather watch videos or have someone teach them.  Some prefer being self-taught. Any beginner can find free tools on Coursera, Udemy, YouTube, DataCamp, and Microsoft Learning

4. Make Your Progress Visible

Most of a data analyst鈥檚 work happens behind the scenes. Because of this, no one is going to know what you鈥檙e doing if you鈥檙e not vocal about it. Using herself as an example, Tina mentioned that she started data analysis by watching YouTube videos on her phone. Since she had no laptop, she borrowed one to practice every night. Regardless, she was consistent with posting her achievements and learning projects on her Twitter page. When a project she built went viral, Tina received three offers for a laptop. What we鈥檙e saying is, you need visibility to get the assistance and opportunities necessary for growth.

5. You Need People Just As Much As You Need Numbers

鈥楥ommunication is key鈥� is a clich茅 phrase for a reason. Unlike many tech fields, data analysts can鈥檛 hide behind computers and let their work speak for them. People pay you because they don鈥檛 understand the graphs on the screen. It鈥檚 your job to tell them what it means and the solutions they represent. You also need business understanding because to solve a problem, you first have to find it. To do that, you need to be able to ask the right questions. 

Storytelling is another underrated skill in data analysis. Using data to tell a story transforms it from a set of numbers into a real solution. While practising or building a dashboard, think about the audience you鈥檙e building for and the solution they need from you. That way, it is easier to present your findings. Soft skills are just as important as technical skills. 

6. Stop Collecting Certificates

 Yes, Certifications are important to build credibility, but no one is hiring certificates. Instead, employers will hire you based on what you can do. Chasing certificates also encourages overlearning. Learning every skill you can find makes you a Jack of all trades and a master of none. It鈥檚 important to build on a particular skill before moving to the next. Working on as many projects as you can and practising helps you build skills faster than just collecting certificates. After learning, stop waiting until you feel ready before you apply for jobs. According to Tina, as long as you understand 70% of a job requirement, you鈥檙e good enough to do the job.

7. Your Social Media is Your CV

When you start building projects, reach out to your friends, church members and businesses around you to ask for datasets. Potential employers need to see that you are providing solutions to real problems. You can also base your projects on trending world issues. Doing that makes it easier to catch the attention of potential clients.

Another important tip for growth is to join a community. A lot of job vacancies in the data community are filled through recommendations and referrals. Attending events, meet-ups, and building relationships will give you access to the right set of people. 

NEXT READ: Women Share the Most Ridiculous Rules Placed on Them By Universities

鈥淚 want to get married so I can spend my husband鈥檚 money鈥� is a statement many Nigerians are familiar with. Depending on where you live, you鈥檝e most likely met at least one 鈥榦ga wife鈥�, 鈥榓sa odogwu鈥� or an 鈥業yawo alhaji鈥�. 

Unlike in the 70s and 80s, 鈥榦ga鈥檚 wife鈥� has now evolved from suggesting financial dependence into an aesthetic for women with wealthy partners who, in most cases, have jobs and successful side businesses. Even so, many marriages still feature financially dependent wives.  About 13 million Nigerian women () identify primarily as housewives, and men are the primary breadwinners in of  Nigerian households. 

The decision to become a housewife could be either personal or influenced by circumstance. But its consequences rarely affect a woman alone. They often extend to family, children and even friends in certain situations. 

23-year-old *Vanessa knows this too well; a front-row seat to her parents鈥� marriage has left her with a lifetime of lessons on what to avoid when it comes to love and money. In this article, she talks about growing up in a financially abusive household and how those experiences continue to influence her romantic relationships.

When did you realise that there was something off about your parents鈥� relationship? 

I was 5 when I first noticed that my father beat his wife and that she did not fight back. My mother鈥檚 philosophy is that the solution to living with a violent man is to be a submissive wife. So she would take his beatings and keep her mouth shut to avoid further violence. The issue with this is that my mother was a full housewife who was reliant on the man beating her for everything. So, she would ask me to go meet him for basic things like money for bread, toothpaste or shoes. Just like that, I became a messenger for the better part of their 26-year marriage.

Why did your mum choose to become a housewife?

It is only people who are given choices that can choose. My mother got married at age 23 to a man who was six years older, without any marketable skills or a source of income. Then she had me shortly after. By the time I was fourteen, I had five more siblings. He had courted her with the promise that he would give her support to further her education. But as soon as she moved in with him, he did not allow her to work and kept her occupied with bi-annual pregnancies.

How did the fact that your dad was the sole provider affect their marriage?  

There鈥檚 a very big difference between a trad wife with a dormant bank account married to a working dad and a woman earning 500k a month who is married to a man earning four times her salary. Only one of these women has the choice to leave.  In addition to physically and verbally assaulting my mother, my dad controlled her access to food, sex, her family,  children and even church.

How? 

For instance, when I was a teenager, my mum got pregnant. Since my dad did not want any more kids, he told her to abort it. She refused for religious reasons, so to punish her, he shipped my brother and me to a boarding school that was 13 hours away. She had taught me to cook, and she had taught my brother how to clean the house to make things easier for her. He knew he was leaving a pregnant woman alone with four young children and no domestic assistance, but he did it anyway. To make things worse,  he would scrape the pots clean, then take away every other food item in the house before he went to work each morning. He did that knowing that my mum did not have the money to buy food. She would remain hungry till he came back at night. 

Ah

When she went into labour for that particular child, my dad watched her try a natural birth for four days and did nothing. It wasn鈥檛 until her brother, tired of watching her suffer, sent her money for a Cesarean section. After she was discharged from the hospital, my grandmother headed down from the village to help her through the recovery process. But when her husband was informed that my grandma was on her way, he told my mother鈥檚 family that he didn鈥檛 want anybody in his house. I鈥檝e noticed that many men do not have empathy for a woman鈥檚 struggles, and my dad is no exception. 

Last year, ( when she thought I was finally old enough to handle it), my mum told me that when she heard that he had stopped my grandmother from coming, she tried to kill herself. She had thrown herself violently against the wall and bed repeatedly so that her stitches would open and she would bleed to death. She had to be sedated afterwards so that she would stop harming herself. As soon as the baby could walk, she learned a skill and borrowed money to start a business.

How did that work out for her?

She had our pastor stand in for my father when collecting loans to start her business. My dad would lock her outside if her customers kept her outside later than 8 pm.  He stopped giving her money for food with the hope that she would use all of her capital to feed herself and her children. Regardless of my father鈥檚 efforts to sabotage the business, she kept at it.  Now she has two big shops in the market. Because of this,  she is the biggest advocate for financial independence. She tells anybody willing to listen that no woman should get married without first establishing herself.

Although my mother has refused to leave him, I鈥檓 happy that she鈥檚 no longer scared of making his life hell. Since he can no longer order her around, she鈥檚 not afraid to hit back when he starts to beat her. She has done a lot of physical damage to him as part of self-defence in recent years. 

How did your parents鈥� marriage influence your childhood?

As admirable as it is, my mum鈥檚 decision to become financially independent affected me almost as much as her passiveness did. By age 14, she had turned me into a mini-parent to my siblings. My mom believed that she had suffered for me, and so it was now my turn to suffer for her. In addition to managing the household, I also had to serve as a salesgirl at her shop. 

I would also say it made me grow up really fast. I made a promise to myself in my teens that I would never give a man the kind of control my dad has over my mum and the people she loves. I say this because my father did not stop at just his wife. My siblings and I were also not spared from his ill-treatment. While I was in university, my father would randomly stop sending me my weekly allowance for different reasons. From 鈥榊ou did not back me up in an argument鈥� to 鈥榯he sun shone brighter on you today than it did on me鈥�. At some point, I realised that it was up to me to get myself out of there. I started working very early, and by age 17, I already had a working CV. 

Were your parents aware that you had started job hunting so early?

I tried to limit how much they knew, but it鈥檚 hard to hide motion. We fought often because at one point, I flat out refused to be my mum鈥檚 salesgirl. At the time, I was learning a digital skill, and it was nearly impossible to focus in the middle of a noisy market. My parents began to do everything in their power to sabotage my learning,  job applications, and job interviews.

During the lockdown, I had just gotten an entry-level job that was paying close to #50,000. To a 17-year-old at the time, this was big money. My parents suddenly began to find a lot of chores for me to do. During work meetings, they would walk into my room to yell at me for ridiculous reasons like 鈥榯he stew has not been warmed鈥�. They frustrated me to the point that I quit the job after a month.

Why do you think your mother played an active role in sabotaging you?

My mum is not a saint. She is religious and has very traditional beliefs. My mum believes in the concept of a virtuous woman. I also think she considers herself a martyr for staying married to my father. Because of this, she can be male-centred sometimes. 

She joined him in his bullying campaign, but I don鈥檛 think she did it out of spite. I believe she is envious of the choices I made early in life that were not available to her. Also, I don’t like to take her advice because a lot of her beliefs didn鈥檛 turn out well for her. I guess she was trying to humble me a bit.   Anyway, till I left home, I learnt to start hiding my growth from my family. 

Has your upbringing influenced how you approach dating?

Yes, it has. I fully expect the man I am with to go out of his way to make my life easy. But at the same time, I鈥檓 scared that it鈥檚 impossible to be in a heterosexual relationship without losing my sense of self and my autonomy.

Are you in a relationship at the moment?

Yes. I鈥檝e been dating my partner for two years, and we started to cohabit last year. When I met him, he was earning one-sixth of what he currently earns. Because of this, he couldn’t do more than buy me takeout and become my dedicated taxi man. I was a student in my final year, so covering transport and buying me food was a really big help.  As soon as I graduated and we became more stable, I started to ask for more. 

Why did you decide to move in with him?

I did not move in with him. We both moved to Lagos for work. While we were househunting separately,  I realised Lagos is expensive. After doing the maths, we decided that it made more sense to find a place we both liked and move in together.

Did you have any fears or problems at the initial stages of living together?

At first, it was a mental struggle. I鈥檓 downright paranoid when it comes to financial independence. I used to wake up in the middle of the night to cry when we first came up with the idea. I felt like such a failure and a traitor for even considering it. But I knew that living alone in Lagos was super expensive, and this was someone who, by all indications, loved me and was giving me an out. 

How did you resolve your fears?

I don鈥檛 think I can ever get rid of the financial anxiety, no matter how hard I try, and I do not want to. The Nwunye Odogwu (Odogwu鈥檚 wife) psychosis is real, and I saw it happen to my mother in real time. In the end, my boyfriend is a man, and I鈥檓 not deluded enough to think I鈥檓 special. I have enough money saved up to rent a self鈥揷on in Ibadan, and I put about 150k into that fund every month, just in case. I also have a friend in Lagos whom I could temporarily move in with if things go south. My parents are my last option, but I hope it will never come to that. 

My partner is also a very understanding person, and I set strong boundaries with him. For instance, we have two separate rooms, and I鈥檓 left alone whenever I want to be. Despite the fact that he pays 65% of the bills, I don鈥檛 perform any 鈥渨ifely鈥� or domestic duties. I鈥檓 a lazy woman, and he鈥檚 much more domestic. We have a house choring sharing schedule that favors me, but he still cleans the house a lot more than I do, and he makes me breakfast regularly.

Do you think it鈥檚 possible to take support from a romantic partner without feeling an obligation?

No. Well, yes. 

Let me explain. I come from the East, and in that area, a lot of women have a transactional mindset. I suspect that a lot of them are really lesbians who have been socialised to date men. These women know that they are beautiful and also have professional degrees. Surprisingly, having a degree is a relationship requirement for a lot of Igbo men. They also know that these superficial reasons are why wealthy men approach them.听 They are the product, so to them, financial support is a value exchanged for money. Hence, they feel no obligation to the man.听

On the other hand, a large majority of women out there are people I like to call 鈥榗ivilians鈥�. These are women who believe men are doing things out of the kindness of their hearts. So, they overcompensate by providing free labour and accepting ill-treatment. I feel like if I hadn鈥檛 witnessed and been impacted by financial abuse as a child, I would be one of these women. 

Have you ever felt financially restricted in your relationship?

Not controlled, per se. Just insulted, sometimes. Whenever my man starts to complain or nitpick about money, I send about 70% of the cost of the service/item in question. Or I refund him, if it is money that he already sent to me. I do this to show him that our arrangement is by choice. I can survive on about 250k monthly, and I earn twice that amount. 

Whenever I do that, he starts apologising, and usually, he makes it up to me with an even bigger gift or expense write-off. I think someone would have to be a saint not to complain at all, especially when they’re having a bad day. But having grown up in an abusive household, I know that you need to nip that shit in the bud. Abusers need to know that you’re not powerless and you can remove yourself from the situation at any point. I am not saying he is abusive. In fact, far from it. But we live in a patriarchal society, and people think stories like my mother鈥檚 are rare, but they are not. Reproductive and financial autonomy should be the most important thing to any woman. No man is immune to conditioning. 

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鈥榃hat a man can do, a woman can do better鈥� is something every Nigerian woman has heard at least once, either from her schoolteacher on International Women鈥檚 Day or a relative trying to convince her to turn on the generator in the dead of the night.

Unfortunately, the sentiment behind this phrase rarely lasts beyond the moment it is spoken. Out of 109 seats in Nigeria鈥檚 Senate, only are occupied by women, and women continue to be overrepresented in low-paid sectors like childcare and teaching. In the past few years, it may seem that corporate baddies have begun to outnumber men in the workplace, but social media is not real life, and does not translate into equal opportunities or working conditions.

According to a by the International Labour Organisation, women make up 70% of Nigeria鈥檚 poorest residents, and women earn 20-30% less than men despite having equal qualifications. This gender gap is most glaring in engineering and technology. Only of women study engineering and technology in Nigerian universities. It is 2026, but female engineers in Nigeria are still as rare as unicorns.

Esosa* is one of the few women who have chosen to pursue a career in engineering, and in this article, she discusses what it means to be a woman in a male-dominated field.

What is the ratio of men to women in your workplace?

For every one woman you find here, there are three men, and that is how it is in most engineering spaces. In secondary school, I was the only girl in the engineering class. University wasn鈥檛 any better; out of the 83 students in my department, there were three girls. It is very hard for a woman to break into engineering. If not for the fact that I graduated with a First Class, one would think that I was a diversity hire.  

How do you feel about this imbalance in your workspace? 

Objectively, I know it is bad and really exhausting, but this is how it has been since the first day I decided to become an engineer.  Frankly, I鈥檓 not sure how I鈥檇 adapt in a better environment; I鈥檝e just never pictured it. 

I鈥檝e noticed that men have very fragile egos. Once a man sees that you are doing better than him, he will accept any narrative, no matter how ridiculous, instead of admitting that you are simply brilliant. At university, my classmates spread rumours that the only reason I had such good grades was that I slept with lecturers. I still face these sex-for-benefits allegations now that I鈥檓 in the labour market. My male colleagues even joke about it to my face.

Ah? As how?

It has happened so many times that I can鈥檛 pinpoint one incident. A senior lecturer once told me that the only reason I never had a carryover was that my lecturers knew I was brilliant and giving me bad grades would raise suspicion. According to him, about 90% of them had an eye on me but could not act on their desires because they had no leverage. 

While I was interning, one of my supervisors locked us both in a data centre so that he could tell me the sexual fantasies he had been having about me. Data centres are usually very loud, so no one could hear what he had to say. No one would have heard me either if I had needed to scream. Thankfully, he stopped at just words.

Did you report him?

No, it would have backfired on my career. Women are severely outnumbered, and men will stand in solidarity with each other when things like this happen.  Before that incident, a coworker reported one of our bosses for sexual harassment and was made into a social outcast by the entire office. A staff member said to my face that if she had done such a thing to him, he would have arranged for her to be beaten and raped. When things like this happen, if a woman doesn鈥檛 laugh it off, she would be told she鈥檚 overreacting and subsequently labelled a bitch.

To protect myself, I blocked his number and stopped going to work early so we would never be alone together. Even after choosing to keep quiet, I still suffered for it. My tardiness made me seem unserious. It was a bitter thing to swallow in a space where I was still struggling to be taken seriously.

Why do you feel like you have to struggle to be taken seriously?

The men I鈥檝e worked with will refer to sexism as 鈥榩erks鈥� women in engineering get. For instance, some supervisors won鈥檛 assign physically demanding tasks, such as inspections, to women. At first, it may look like an act of kindness until you realise that fieldwork is more than 50% of your job description. 

In the long run, we would have gained very little work experience, and when it鈥檚 time to be considered for a promotion, the men would be the better options.  A woman has to work twice as hard, have serious connections, or sell her body to compete with her male counterparts. It鈥檚 hard to find women in high positions in this industry. I didn鈥檛 have anyone to mentor me or warn me of this when I started my career.

Does this have any impact on the way you approach your work?

Yes, in every way you can think of. I find myself constantly getting interrupted when I speak at work, and I鈥檝e had my ideas credited to others several times. Because of this, I鈥檓 constantly on guard around the men I work with. It is so easy to be taken for granted, even more than I already am. 

My work outfits consist of baggy trousers and big, unflattering shirts. I also don鈥檛 wear make-up just to divert attention from myself. Outside of work, I am a completely different person. I love wearing nice clothes, partying, and going clubbing, but I am extra careful about hiding my extracurricular activities. Men do these things, and nobody bats an eye, but I would become a joke if anybody from work saw that side of me. 

Salary week is here and so is HERtitude. Your bank account is begging you to treat yourself. Ignore the voices telling you otherwise and get your tickets here: 听

Would you say all the men in this field act the same way?

I鈥檝e worked at four different companies with different sets of people, and the overall experience is consistent, but I鈥檝e also had a lot of good male mentors. One of these mentors was the Sub-Dean of my faculty when I was in university. Once, a lecturer reported me for misconduct (he made advances toward me, and I rejected him). When he called me into his office for questioning, and I explained the situation, he wrapped up the matter immediately. He even told me that the best way to get those lecturers to leave me alone was to start asking them for money.

Why do you think the gender gap in engineering is so wide?

Men exaggerate just how difficult engineering is, and I think it鈥檚 because they are trying to gatekeep the profession. They also make it harder for women to move up the career ladder. While I was interning at a big government parastatal in Abuja, I noticed that there were only two female engineers in the engineering department, and while the men were sent on inspections, meetings and training every other week, the women were always in the office.

When I asked my supervisor why, he said that women can鈥檛 just travel and leave their families, so the organisation doesn鈥檛 send them on trips. I鈥檝e worked at a company that not only gave maternity leave, but also had mothering rooms, where new moms could bring their kids to be babysat while they worked. I know that if organisations wanted to make it easier for women to work demanding jobs, they could. They just don鈥檛 bother to.

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