Sometimes, the weapon formed and fashioned against one parent is the other. After over two decades of marriage, Bimbo鈥檚* father transmitted HIV to her mother. Bimbo has learnt many things from this, chief among them is forgiveness.
This is Bimbo鈥檚* story, as told to Elohozino.
I come from a family of five鈥攎y mum, dad and two siblings. I鈥檓 the middle child; my sister is two years older than me, and my brother is five years younger. My father is an optometrist and a pastor, while my mother is a businesswoman who supports my dad鈥檚 ministry as a deaconess.
Ironically, health has always been important to my family. My siblings and I rarely visited the hospital as kids because of my dad鈥檚 profession. I think that also influenced my career choice. Initially, I wanted to be an ophthalmologist to follow in my dad鈥檚 footsteps and make him proud. Eventually, I realised it wasn’t my calling and stuck to modelling full-time.
I spent a year living without the full picture.
Things began to fall apart subtly. My mum was admitted so many times for severe malaria. It seemed unusual for someone with an AA genotype, but it was relentless. Medication stopped working, and she constantly needed to be on a drip. I remember she once told me that when I finally got married and had a reliable shoulder to cry on, she would tell me about her health-condition.
My mum turned fifty last year. Two weeks before her birthday, a scandal broke out between my dad and one of his staff members. I think that was when things started falling apart for me. My dad denied the affair, and my mum got so frustrated that she left the house. This was two weeks before her 50th birthday. She left the house and didn鈥檛 come back for about two weeks. She didn鈥檛 pick up her calls or respond to our messages. But she returned a few days before her birthday, and we had a big party. I remember looking around on her birthday and thinking, if only the people here knew what the last two weeks had been like.
After her birthday, the arguments were constant. It was a stressful period for me because I was closest to my parents, so they would both come to me to complain. I didn鈥檛 fully understand their complaints because I didn鈥檛 have context then. A year after her birthday, more scandals came to light after he went on a business trip. He fell really ill, and his health deteriorated. My mum was livid because he had overexerted himself during the business trip with his mistress. It was this entire situation that led to me finding out everything.
I was the last person in my family to find out that my dad had HIV.
It was a Monday morning, and my dad woke us up for morning devotion. My mum wasn鈥檛 in her usual seat, and I imagined it was because they had argued the night before. I thought she probably wanted to pray alone, so I didn鈥檛 worry. When we were done, my mum came in from her morning walk and called my siblings and I out. She started talking about his affairs from the past and present. Then, she looked at me and said, 鈥淒o you know your father gave me HIV?鈥
I was in disbelief. I looked to my siblings for confirmation, and they both nodded. They didn’t tell me because I couldn鈥檛 handle it. My dad tried to explain, but his attempt was ridiculous.聽 He said he didn’t have any affairs, and he got the virus playing with things like sand as a child. I left my sister to handle the conversation; I simply couldn鈥檛.聽
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Apparently, he had it before they got married, and it didn鈥檛 affect her until she was pregnant with her fourth child. That pregnancy was fraught with complications, and she didn’t even realise what she had until the doctor told her. I think it was around that time he finally confessed to her.聽
I鈥檓 not sure the situation really affected my perspective on men. Before all this happened, I already decided not to marry because I had seen how miserable many of my relatives were in their marriages. Being happy is far more important than what society has to say. The way the men in my family treat their wives is so wicked, and there’s no remorse. I don’t hold a grudge, but it doesn鈥檛 seem fair because most of these women gave up so much for their families. I can’t imagine doing all of that and ending up with HIV. The situation has only strengthened my belief that I鈥檓 better off being single. I look at women in marriages and in church these days, wondering what they鈥檙e truly going through.聽
I’ve come to see my mum as just a girl.
Regarding my dad, I鈥檓 not sure what to think anymore. I do pity him a lot, though. But every time we think peace might finally reign, my mum discovers something new, and the whole cycle repeats itself. He isn鈥檛 remorseful about his nonchalance, and even when my mum asks for damage control funds, he acts like she鈥檚 asking for too much. I don鈥檛 think my mum will leave him permanently. She prefers to be away for a bit, then come back. Even now, she still prays for God to forgive and heal him.
I鈥檝e come to see my mum very differently as well. She has a short fuse, and we鈥檙e very alike, so we鈥檙e always fighting. But this ordeal made her so vulnerable. My mum has lost her joy and her health. She also lost her mind after losing a child due to my dad鈥檚 carelessness and fell into depression. I鈥檝e realised that I should be more patient with her because, at the end of the day, she鈥檚 just a girl who is hurting.聽Dealing with HIV is not an easy thing.
My siblings have also reached a point of exhaustion. My siblings and I talk about it now and it’s like, 鈥漌hat鈥檚 the worst that could happen now?鈥漌e aren鈥檛 surprised by anything anymore. For me, I honestly wish I had never found out. I would have preferred not to be on the receiving end of so much trauma. The only thing I鈥檝e taken away from this is forgiveness, not even from my mum to him, but from God. If God could be merciful towards my father and not strike him dead every Sunday when he climbs the altar to preach, even after spending the entire week with his mistress and what he鈥檚 done, then who am I to hold a grudge?
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