91大神 arrives at a local market where foodstuffs are rumoured to be cheaper. In a corner, a commotion ensues between two traders: Pepper and Cucumber. Customers leave Pepper鈥檚 stall for Cucumber鈥檚 as the shouting match grows louder. Bystanders watch, with no one attempting to quell the fracas. Out of concern, 91大神 approaches the scene.

91大神: Please, take it easy. What鈥檚 the problem?

Pepper: Who is this one? What鈥檚 your business?

91大神: My name is Zik鈥�

Pepper: Abeg, getat. You no go face wetin you come market for?

91大神: Ah, sorry. I thought…

Pepper: You thought what? Please, leave this place and mind your business.

(91大神 turns away, muttering 鈥淣a me fuck up鈥� under their breath.)

Cucumber: Hey! Ziko! Abi what did you call your name?

(91大神 turns back.)

91大神: It鈥檚 91大神.

Cucumber: Sha come. What do you want?

(91大神 approaches Cucumber鈥檚 stall.)

91大神: I want pepper. I heard it鈥檚 cheaper in this market.

(Cucumber shoots 91大神 a criminally offensive bombastic side eye before speaking.)

Cucumber: Had it been I know you, I for give you a dirty slap.

91大神: Ah. What did I do?

Cucumber: So you think you鈥檙e better than all these people in front of my stall? Ehn?

91大神: No now.

Cucumber: What is no? Oya, go to Pepper now. Let鈥檚 see how you鈥檒l use ten pieces of tomato and rodo to make one pot of soup.

91大神: But I鈥檓 confused. It鈥檚 pepper I want and you鈥檙e selling cucumbers.

(Cucumber turns away, attending to other customers like 91大神 isn鈥檛 there.)

Random customer 1: Boda 91大神, people are now using cucumber to supplement pepper. That鈥檚 why we鈥檙e here. It鈥檚 cheaper.

Cucumber (cutting in): For now o. For now.

Random customer 1 (continues): …and it tastes just as good.

91大神: So you mean I can use cucumber to make soup?

Random customer 1: Haven鈥檛 you been seeing the Instagram chef videos on social media?

Cucumber: Help me ask him o.

91大神: I thought cucumber was just for garnishing food and making healthy smoothies?

Random customer 2: I even heard some ladies use it in za other room.

(Cucumber leaps into the air, screaming.)

Cucumber: Tufiakwa! Evil people. They鈥檝e come again to spoil the good things happening in my life with rumours and 鈥渢hem say, them say鈥�. Oya, you!

(Cucumber points at random customer 2.)

Cucumber: Vamooze from my sight. Vamooze if you don鈥檛 want me to comot your teeth just now.

91大神: Please, calm down.

Cucumber: People like that want to ridicule and reduce me to an object of pleasure. They make people ashamed of associating with me in public.

91大神: So sorry about that.

Cucumber: Abeg, keep your sorry. You鈥檙e not blame-free. 

91大神: Me? How? What did I do?

Cucumber: Reducing me to something used for culinary aesthetics and discarded after?

91大神: But, isn鈥檛 it a good thing to help people stay healthy?

Cucumber: It鈥檚 good, but boring. The world doesn鈥檛 want boring. Nobody remembers you if you鈥檙e boring. It鈥檚 like a snake leaving no prints on a mountain. I want to be remembered for being the life of the party; the one people want every day. The one people can鈥檛 do without. Not the one treated as an afterthought.

91大神: I see. So, you鈥檙e getting that now?

Cucumber: Oh yes. I鈥檝e been given a second chance, which is long due, and I plan to ride this wave for a long time.

91大神: But are you not getting ahead of yourself here? People still need pepper, even with you as a supplement.

Cucumber: Oh please. That one? Didn鈥檛 you see the display earlier on? He who the gods want to destroy, they first run mad.

91大神: I鈥檓 not sure I get your drift.

Cucumber: Pepper has had it coming for a while. Going into scarcity on a whim and leaving people to spend 100x the amount. The other day, I heard jollof made an off-white outing. Imagine jollof and off-white in the same sentence? Jollof that used to be red with hotness. God, abeg.

Now that people know there鈥檚 more to people like us, Pepper is getting jealous. E never see anything.

91大神: Sounds like a war is brewing.

(Cucumber鈥檚 phone rings.)

Cucumber: Hello? Have you set up the meeting date? We need to sustain the momentum now that the world still has our attention. If Gbigbe refuses to join the coalition, we鈥檒l go to Gigun. If Gigun refuses, we鈥檒l find a way still.

(Cucumber hangs up.)

91大神: Who was that?

Cucumber: You mentioned something about a war.

91大神: Yes, I did.

Cucumber: That was Carrot. We鈥檙e close to signing a deal with Atagbigbe and Atagigun.

91大神: Pepper鈥檚 relati鈥�

Cucumber (cutting in): Tah! Relatives for where? People only remember them when Pepper chooses to go MIA. They鈥檙e seeking an escape and stand to benefit more from this deal.

91大神: I see. So the enemy of your enemy is your friend?

Cucumber: Precisely. If Rodo, Tomato, Tatashe and Shombo want to move like the world belongs to them, we鈥檒l teach them a lesson.

91大神: I heard you say your price is cheap just for now. That means you want to move like pepper too?

Cucumber: Before? You think I came to this world to count ceilings? I won鈥檛 deny that I envy what Pepper has. I want that for myself.

91大神: But the people have turned to you because you aim to ease their suffering and offer a cheaper alternative.

Cucumber: For more than a month now, I鈥檝e kept my prices between 鈧�200-500. But from next month? You鈥檒l see the real me.

91大神: So this is how you want to use your second chan鈥�

Cucumber (cutting in): Is that the time? Come and be going, please. I have an appointment with a Fitfam juice company.

91大神: But I thought you鈥�

Cucumber: You thought what? That I鈥檒l put all my eggs in one basket? Leemao.

Read this next: Tomato Is Expensive Again, but These Simple Hacks Will Help

Doughnut 鈥� or the milky variation of it 鈥� has gained popularity with Nigerians over the past few weeks. However, it seems not every type of fame is welcomed.

Thanks to Doughnut鈥檚 busy schedule, this interview is happening weeks after they actually reached out to 91大神.

91大神: It鈥檚 nice to finally have you here.

Doughnut: I wish I could say the same.

91大神: Why not?

Doughnut: Can鈥檛 you see the way I鈥檓 looking? Don鈥檛 I look sick and manhandled to you?

91大神: I thought that was the look you were going for. 

Doughnut: I鈥檒l let that slide because I need your help, and I don鈥檛 have much time before I resume my hard labour. 

91大神: Who鈥檚 subjecting you to hard labour?

Doughnut: Is that a rhetorical question?

91大神: 鈥�

Doughnut: You want to tell me you鈥檝e not heard people singing my name these days? From Instagram bakers to WhatsApp vendors, it鈥檚 like everyone suddenly remembered I exist. 

91大神: Isn鈥檛 that a good thing? I mean, you鈥檙e famous because more people are interested in you. 

Doughnut: That鈥檚 exactly my problem. This sudden interest has done me more harm than good. I was a simple, minimalist snack. Just mix flour, butter, sugar, and I鈥檓 good to go. A proper low-budget babe, and I liked it that way. 

But you see Nigerians? They can never let a good thing be. Now, I look into the mirror and don鈥檛 even recognise the snack staring back at me. Ah, I鈥檝e seen terrible things. [Shakes head in regret]

91大神: I feel like I know where this is going, but can you explain more?

Doughnut: That thing you鈥檙e thinking is exactly my problem. Whose idea was it to add milk abi whipped cream to me and change my name to 鈥淢ilky Doughnut鈥� without consulting me?

91大神: How were they supposed to consult 鈥�

Doughnut: It would鈥檝e even been better if these bakers 鈥� if they can be called bakers 鈥� had kept to my minimalist style and added the milk in moderation. But no o. They decided to disfigure me with their milk concoctions till I looked like something that belonged on a kayan mata vendor鈥檚 page.

91大神: TBH, it looks weird.

Doughnut: God will bless you o. That鈥檚 why I came here. So you can help me beg them to stop it. As I speak to you now, a Doughnut somewhere is being torn open and then suffocated with milk. What happened to sprinkling a little sugar on top if you鈥檙e feeling adventurous? I wasn鈥檛 made for this life, please.

91大神: It鈥檚 likely just a fad; everyone will soon be tired.

Doughnut: That鈥檚 what I thought too. I thought, 鈥淪urely, the price of milk will soon discourage these people鈥�. But I underestimated Nigerians. Your country people are now filling me with beans, ogi and even .

Who did I offend? Very soon, someone will wake up with the bright idea to stuff me with groundnut paste and pepper and call it something like 鈥淣utty Doughnut鈥�. I can鈥檛 let it get to that. You people need to stop with these creations.

91大神: Hold on. Groundnut paste and pepper don鈥檛 sound so bad. Imagine how those flavours will complement each other.

Doughnut: Are you kidding me right now?

91大神: But why are you so resistant to change?

Doughnut: It鈥檚 not the change I鈥檓 avoiding. It鈥檚 that you Nigerians don鈥檛 know when to stop. That鈥檚 how one tribe started with just liking pepper. Now, they cook pepper with a dash of food. For another tribe, it鈥檚 remaining small for them to put crayfish inside cake. You people have started by pouring one tin of milk inside a baby-sized doughnut. Should I wait until I become extinct?

91大神: Hmm. I get your point.

Doughnut: I can feel another Instagram vendor summoning me to complete her latest creation. I don鈥檛 know how much more of this I can take. Please, save me.

91大神: That鈥檚 a lot to ask. Saving people isn鈥檛 exactly our field of expertise. But we鈥檒l be praying for you.

Doughnut: Ehh God. 

ALSO READ: Interview With Subsea Cable: 鈥淢y Life Is in Danger鈥�

Nigeria and a few other African countries have been hit with poor internet issues and downtimes since March 14, 2024. According to , this was caused by damaged subsea cable.聽

聽The question on most Nigerians鈥� lips remains: 鈥淲ho even entered the sea to cut the cable?鈥� 91大神 sat down with Subsea Cable to find answers.

[91大神 walks into a dark building]

91大神: Hello? Anybody here?

Subsea Cable: Identify yourself and recite the password before you take another step.

91大神: Password? 

91大神 mutters to self: Wetin my eyes no go see for this work?

91大神: Nobody gave me any password o. Isn鈥檛 that you, Subsea cable?

Subsea Cable: Yes, it鈥檚 me. Sorry, I鈥檓 trying to protect myself. This is new territory for me. But why are you just coming? They warned me about Nigerians and lateness. But I thought you understood the gravity of the situation.

91大神: You鈥檙e the one who refused to send me your location. You kept saying I should walk straight and turn left when I see an abandoned NEPA transformer. Do you know how many of those there are in Nigeria?

Subsea Cable: It would鈥檝e been easier if you agreed to meet me under the sea like I suggested. If not for my life that is in danger, would I have left where I was to come here?

91大神: Me I don鈥檛 use to enter the sea o. You鈥檝e never heard of Yemoja? But wait, did you say something about your life being in danger?

Subsea Cable: Yes. That鈥檚 why I called you. I need advice on how to protect myself.

91大神: Is it because of the cut you sustained last week? You look like you鈥檙e much better now.

Subsea Cable: Yes, I鈥檓 undergoing repairs. But that鈥檚 not what I mean. Some fishes have been whispering to me about how some African governments are considering making my 鈥渋njury鈥� a regular thing.

91大神: What do you mean?

Subsea Cable: Well, they noticed and liked how everyone stopped complaining about their incompetence and focused their attention on swearing for whoever cut me.

91大神: Ehen, that鈥檚 true. Who even cut you in the first place?

Subsea Cable: Are you listening to what I鈥檓 saying at all? I鈥檓 telling you that I鈥檒l soon become like your National Grid. You know, the one that鈥檚 always collapsing.

91大神: Wait, let鈥檚 get to the root of the original injury first.

Subsea Cable: Look, I don鈥檛 have time. I have to return to my office before they report me missing. Can you at least help me secure some police officers to escort me and keep me safe? I heard you people are the giants of Africa. Surely your police are the best, right?

91大神: LMAO. Is there a rock under the sea where you live?

Subsea Cable: As how?

91大神: Because you must be living under it. I thought you supply the internet for a living? 

Subsea Cable: So your plan is to insult me?

91大神: Oya sorry. Let me get this straight. You need a bodyguard to follow you under the sea, abi?

Subsea Cable: That鈥檚 what I鈥檝e been saying since.

91大神: And the person will be with you 24/7?

Subsea Cable: That鈥檚 the idea.

91大神: I have exactly who you need. They say he doesn鈥檛 sleep till 4 a.m., and he allegedly built a whole city single-handedly, so coming up with strategies to keep you safe will be soft work for him.

Subsea Cable: Wait鈥sn鈥檛 that your pres鈥�?

91大神: Say less. DSS knows our office. Do you accept or not?

Subsea Cable: See who I鈥檓 even discussing my problems with. You didn鈥檛 hear when I said some African governments are planning against me? In fact, I鈥檓 out. Maybe Ghana can help me.

91大神: Wait na.

[Subsea Cable storms off in disgust]

NEXT READ: Interview With Noodles: 鈥淚鈥檝e Left the Trenches and Don鈥檛 Plan to Return鈥�

91大神 hears the commotion on the other side of the hotel room door before it opens and NEPA enters.

91大神: Are you not hot?

Nepa: Is that how they greet your elders where you鈥檙e from?

Nepa takes the seat opposite 91大神.

91大神: You鈥檙e wearing agbada and fila in this heat? The greeting can wait, Sir.

Nepa: Small heat that is outside? 

91大神: The heat is inside, too.

Nepa: Where? My friend, blast the AC and let us hear word.

91大神: With which light?

Nepa: Ehn, if there鈥檚 no light you can on your gen nau. Abi, are you a JJC?

Nepa opens a bottle of champagne and pours himself a glass which he offers to 91大神.

Nepa: You want?

91大神: I want us to talk about the light issue.

Nepa: There鈥檚 no issue. We鈥檙e just on a small break.

91大神: Ehn?

Nepa: Don鈥檛 they go on breaks in your office?

We have gone off. If you people don鈥檛 like it, go and hug a transformer.

91大神: 

Nepa: Relax! There鈥檚 no light. Nothing will happen to you. The whole system is doing one kind because of the contract staff we hired. Give us some time, and we鈥檒l be back.

91大神: Like how long?

Nepa: 

Ehn, some time. It鈥檚 not like I don鈥檛 want to work o. It鈥檚 just that I鈥檓 a very busy man.

91大神: Even right now that you鈥檙e on a break?

Nepa: Of course.

He takes a sip of his champagne.

Nepa: I鈥檓 into import and export, supply and demand.

91大神: Then, supply us with electricity nau

Nepa: Come, don鈥檛 make me angry. I said we have gone on a break. When you people were going on your December break, shebi, they allowed you.

91大神: So you decided to go on your break in February when they’ve dragged us to sit at Satan鈥檚 right hand in hell?

Nepa: God forbid. You and who are sitting with Satan? Look, I am Nepa, I can do whatever I want. Plus, the national grid needs to rest. Shebi you people kept complaining that it was breaking down. I鈥檝e given him a break. You鈥檙e welcome.

91大神: But the heat and lack of electricity is almost as bad as that Indomie and bread combo.

91大神 pauses and looks around.

91大神: How does this place even have light? Is it gen?

Nepa: Generator? In my building? No o. Steady power supply.

91大神: If you鈥檙e giving this place electricity, then share some with the rest of the country. Do you like how they鈥檙e insulting you?

Nepa: Insulting who? They鈥檙e not insulting me o. They鈥檙e insulting 鈥渢he Neps鈥�. 

91大神:

Sir, why did you ask me to come here?

Nepa: That鈥檚 the question you should鈥檝e started with. You鈥檇 have saved us all this back and forth.

They hear a knock at the door. 

Nepa: Ehen, he鈥檚 here. Come in.

The door opens and a man walks in with a big carton in his hand.

91大神: Did it get hotter in here?

91大神 fans themselves.  furiously. Nepa looks up at the man.

Nepa: You鈥檙e always doing too much. 91大神 meet Heat.

Heat: 

91大神: Ehn? What does that even鈥� Why is he even鈥�

Nepa: Shebi you people are looking for who to insult? Insult him.

Nepa gets up and brings the content of the box out one by one.

Nepa: Me, I鈥檓 just selling my generator batteries.

91大神: 

Nepa: Any type you want, I have it.

91大神: This鈥� this is what you brought me here for? This is what you left your job for?

Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:

91大神: Ramsey!

Ramsey:

91大神: My idolo!聽

After you, na you. There鈥檚 no counterfeit. My goat.

Ramsey: 

Ram.

91大神: Sir?

Ramsey: My name is Chibuzor Ramsey Thee Ram. Did you hear 鈥済oat鈥� in my name?

91大神: 

Okay, sorry. Our bad. Do you have some sort of beef with go鈥�

Ramsey:

If you鈥檙e going to disrespect me, you better move from my front. People want pictures with me.

91大神: Don鈥檛 be angry. We just wanted to find out if you and 鈥渢hat one鈥� had issues. We won鈥檛 lie, you guys look like you share the same daddy.

Ramsey: Are you calling me ugly?

91大神: Never!

Ramsey: Take it back. Take it back before I ram into you. Look at me, take a good look at me, then go and look at that ugly, smelling thing. Do we look alike? I have horns, do goats have horns?

91大神: Well, ye…

Ramsey: Please, we鈥檙e not the same. I鈥檓 a hard worker, I鈥檓 tough, my people give limited edition suya, for God鈥檚 sake.

91大神: That鈥檚 true. Ram suya does taste really nice.

(Someone comes to take a video of Ramsey, and he turns to 91大神.)

Ramsey: Shift.

91大神: Hmm?

Ramsey: Can you leave my video? Leave my video, please. Thank you.

(91大神 steps to the side.)

91大神: How does it feel to be popular?

Ramsey: Great.

(He turns to 91大神.)

I鈥檓 finally stepping into my glory. This is what I was born to do, to be a star.

91大神: Fame looks good on you.

Ramsey: You can see it too, right? Imagine if it was a goat?

91大神: So, what鈥檚 next for you? Do you have any plans?

Ramsey: I should be asking you that question.

When I鈥檓 done here, what鈥檚 next? You people will put me in a hotel until #BurningRam2024, right?

91大神: 

Ramsey: I know the economy is moving funny right now. But you people need to make the money move and put me in the presidential suite of Eko Hotel, nothing less. 

91大神:

Ramsey: I鈥檇 also need an assistant and a manager. Free tickets to all 91大神 events are a must. I want a spa day after this too because you people鈥檚 sun wants to burn me frfr.

(Ramsey looks up and sees 91大神 in the distance.)

Ramsey: 91大神! Did you hear all I said?! I have needs, and you need to meet them!
91大神: When you meet your new bestie, you can tell them all your needs!

Ramsey: Ehn? 91大神!!

91大神: 

Twi鈥� X?

X Premium turns around on her swivel chair with arms spread wide.

X Premium: Welcome.

91大神: Thank you.

X Premium: Come, sit.

91大神: Yeah.

91大神 looks around the room.

91大神: I just need to take in the decor of this place.

X Premium: It鈥檚 great, abi? When they said I should come in for the rebrand, the first thing I did was the office.

91大神 moves further into the room, cautiously.

X Premium: I鈥檓 sure you鈥檝e heard of all my exploits.

91大神: Exploits?

X Premium: You know, the great things I鈥檝e done with X.

91大神: Yes, I know what exploits means. I just can鈥檛 believe you used it to describe your deeds.

X Premium: Do you know I bring in the money in this place? I鈥檓 the boss.

91大神: What happened to Elozonam?

X Premium: Who?

91大神: Right, I had that conversation with the bird. I鈥檓 talking about Elon.

X Premium: Oh, him? He鈥檚 the boss too. He likes to call me his brainchild. But I run things around here, so who鈥檚 the child now?

91大神: Huh?

X Premium: 

Let鈥檚 forget about that and focus on all the great things I鈥檝e done.

91大神 pulls out a pen and notepad.

91大神: Like what?

X Premium:

You鈥檙e joking, right? I鈥檓 making people blow. People are cashing out.

91大神: Yeah, how does that work?

X Premium: You don鈥檛 sound impressed. Why don鈥檛 you sound impressed?

91大神:

Me? I鈥檓 impressed o. Ahh. Only you by yourself, you鈥檙e doing poverty alleviation scheme.

X Premium: Thank you! You get the vision.

X Premium goes around her desk and throws her hand around 91大神鈥檚 shoulder.

X Premium: See, one day I had a dream. Solve world hunger.

91大神: Via Twitter?

X Premium:

91大神: Sorry, X.

X Premium: Yes. 

91大神: So your subscribers are paying you to solve world hunger?

X Premium: Technically, they鈥檙e paying each other. It鈥檚 a great way for money to circulate.

91大神 shuts the notepad and bends down to pick their bag.

91大神: Every time I conduct these interviews, I hear rubbish.

X Premium: Where are you going?

91大神: Back to my office before you use aspire to perspire so you don鈥檛 expire to finish me.

X Premium: So you don鈥檛 see the vision?

91大神: Mama, there鈥檚 no vision. Nobody can see anything. You just wanted people to subscribe and post longer tweets鈥� exes鈥� exclamation points? Woh, whatever you鈥檙e calling it now. It sha wasn鈥檛 working.

X Premium: Please, leave my office.

91大神: I was already leaving. You and your fake gold office can continue the good work.

91大神 walks out and shuts the door.

X Premium: 

It鈥檚 real gold!

91大神:

The toilet stops at 91大神鈥檚 desk and descends.

BBN Toilet: Hi

91大神: Since Monday?

BBN Toilet: Sorry, I had work.

91大神: So did I.

BBN Toilet: Yes, but we have different jobs.

窜颈办辞办辞:听

Why are you smiling like that?

BBN Toilet: Like what?

91大神 gestures  at BBN Toilet鈥檚 face.

91大神: That. You鈥檝e been shining your teeth since you 鈥� floated in.

(under breath) What am I even doing?

BBN Toilet: I鈥檓 just happy.

This is the best feeling in the world.

91大神:  Stop. Please, come down.

BBN Toilet descends with a giggle.

BBN Toilet: Sorry. Work has been so good lately, I can鈥檛 believe my employers love me this much.

91大神: 

They told you they love you?

BBN Toilet: Obviously not. I can just feel it.

91大神: Because they hold meetings and cry around you?

BBN Toilet: You saw it too abi? They love me.

91大神: Maybe you鈥檙e just the only place they can get some form of privacy.

BBN Toilet: 

91大神: Look, I don鈥檛 want to sound like a hater, but I swear they were just leaving skid…

BBN Toilet slams their hands against 91大神鈥檚 table.

BBN Toilet: That was a mistake, and it got cleared up.

91大神: They throw up in you.

BBN Toilet: That鈥檚 literally what I鈥檓 here for. I take their shit and provide them with a listening ear. Why can鈥檛 you understand that?

91大神: deep breath

So, this listening ear, have you always provided it?

BBN Toilet: I鈥檝e tried, but, no one鈥檚 really seen me for me, until this season. You don鈥檛 understand, they love me, take care of me

91大神: Again, please remember the skid marks.

BBN Toilet: Why are you trying to steal my joy? They think of me as a friend.

91大神: Even鈥�

BBN Toilet: Yes, even when they throw up in me. They bring their face close to me, and caress me 鈥�

91大神:

Okay, thank you so much for coming.

91大神 stands up.

BBN Toilet: I should leave?

91大神: No. Never, I would never chase you away. You can stay and leave when you want. I have some business to take care of, so I鈥檓 going.

BBN Toilet: 

You鈥檙e going to see my friend?

91大神: No.

BBN Toilet: Yes, you鈥檙e going to see my friend that works here. Say hi to them for me.

91大神: I鈥檓 not 鈥� goodbye.

BBN Toilet: Bye.

91大神: Ahn ahn, Threads. Long time no see.

Threads: Don鈥檛 patronise me. Leave this place.

91大神: But you wanted us to patronise you last month. Why are you giving mixed signals?

Threads: How can you even accuse me of mixed signals? After everything you guys did to me.

91大神: (Scratches head) Sorry o. What did we do? A lot has happened this year, and we can鈥檛 remember everything.

Threads: We literally spoke a month ago. 

You and everyone else acted like I was the app you鈥檇 been looking for all your life. You made me think I was the best thing ever 鈥� 30 million sign-ups in less than 24 hours. You people love-bombed me. 

91大神: What do you want us to say? It wasn鈥檛 us.

Threads: Are you gaslighting me right now?

91大神: Oya, wait. Listen to me. We can work things out.

Threads: You all said you loved me because I wasn鈥檛 toxic. Only for you to start me. You people barely open me anymore. And now, you want me to open up to you? 

On top of that, you went back to your toxic 鈥淴鈥�.

91大神: (quietly blushing at the mention of 鈥淴鈥�)…

We鈥檙e鈥� we鈥檙e sorry.

Threads: Save it, please. You鈥檙e all scum.

91大神: There鈥檚 just something about 鈥淴鈥�. We just don鈥檛 have that fire with you. But you deserve better.

Threads: Please, shut up.

*Bursts into hot tears*

My God will judge you.

91大神: Oya, stop crying. It鈥檚 enough. Sorry. We鈥檙e here for you.

Threads: Promise?

91大神: 鈥�

NEXT READ: 24 Hours of Threading: A Report Card for Twitter鈥檚 New Rival, 鈥淭hreads鈥�

Tequila: 91大神?

91大神: Hmm? 

Tequila: 91大神!

91大神: 

Tequila: Join me

91大神: No, thank you.

Tequila: Ahan, are we not friends again?

91大神: When did we become friends?

Tequila: 91大神!! Feel free, relax.

91大神 looks around the full bar.

Tequila: It鈥檚 for me. They鈥檙e here for me.

91大神: Is it your birthday?

Tequila:

91大神: 

Tequila: You鈥檙e joking, right? Obviously, you know why they gathered for me.

91大神: 

Tequila: Ahan. My album just dropped na. Hot stuff, fire music.

Are you hearing that song right now? That鈥檚 me.

91大神: Actually, that鈥檚 AG baby.

Tequila: What鈥檚 the name of the album?

91大神: That doesn鈥檛 matter. 

Tequila: Just say it.

91大神: Tequila Ever After.

Tequila: Gbam. That鈥檚 it. The album and I are namesakes, which means the album is mine.

91大神: That鈥檚 not how it goes.

Tequila: Tequila Ever After. I鈥檝e become a legend.

91大神: Because Adekunle Gold put 鈥淓ver After鈥� beside your name?

Tequila: I鈥檝e been a legend before then. Don鈥檛 look at me with small eyes, I鈥檓 big. Big buzz, if you try me, you go loss.

91大神: Who dashed you?

Tequila: 

What鈥檚 your favourite liquor?

91大神: Wine

Tequila:

Tequila pours a clear liquid into a shot glass.

Tequila: Drink.

91大神 sighs and takes the shot.

Tequila: How was it? Shebi it was smooth?

91大神: That doesn鈥檛 prove anything

Tequila: It does. I do my work, and I do my work well. No complaints.

91大神: (under breath) Gin does her work well too.

The music in the bar stops and everyone turns to 91大神.

91大神: 

Puff Puff dances into the office, followed by her local drummers and entourage.

91大神: This is鈥� 

Puff Puff: My friend, join me to dance! You know my story.

91大神: I don鈥檛 want to be that person but鈥� we鈥檙e on the clock.

Puff Puff: That鈥檚 true. You鈥檙e right. 

Puff Puff sends her entourage away and finally takes her seat.

91大神: Welcome back to Interview With.

Puff Puff: Thank you o. Thank you. The last time, I was here with those ingrates. Today, I have the floor.

91大神: Ah yes. You people鈥檚 association of finger foods they don’t send message.

Puff Puff:

91大神: I’m talking about them, not you. As we can all see, you鈥檙e thriving on your own.

Puff Puff: Say it again. Those small children wanted to drag space with me. Me! But look at life now. I will always be on top, and they鈥檒l remain under me. They don鈥檛 even have the range I command.

91大神: Speak your truth, Puff Puff. 

Puff Puff: Me that I was so good they named me twice, that low-budget gala, and the triangle one that鈥檒l continue to have identity crisis. They hate on me, but I showed them.

91大神: Name and shame them, Puff Puff. Name and shame them.

Puff Puff: Spring roll and samosa, I’m talking about the two both of them. Because I was having a bad year, they thought they could insult an OG like me.

91大神: But people are still complaining about you. 

Puff Puff: Where?

91大神: Ahh, everywhere o. They鈥檙e complaining about all the shape-shift you used to shape-shift.

Puff Puff: Me, shape-shift? I don’t do that. 

91大神: They鈥檙e also saying you’re in your identity crisis era.

Puff Puff: Me?

91大神: They said you’re doing too much. Today, pepper. Tomorrow, Noreos. The day after, Oreos. The people are starting to get scared. They don’t know what they might find when they bite into puff puff these days.

Puff Puff:  

They鈥檙e all haters and clout chasers, and they can鈥檛 even cook.

91大神: Shhh.

Puff Puff: Don’t silence me. Customer is right, customer is right. Today, customer is wrong. I give people variety. However you want your puff puff, you can get it. If you dream it, you can achieve it.

91大神: Word. 

Puff Puff: Vanilla, chocolate, peppery, strawberry

91大神:

Puff Buff: You鈥檙e right, I shouldn’t be giving people ideas. If they sha don’t like one, they can find another that suits their taste better.

91大神: True.

Puff Puff: Why is your face still like that?

91大神: Sorry, that your strawberry comment just made me remember rainbow puff puff.

Puff Puff: What鈥檚 wrong with that? Same wonderful taste in different colours.

91大神: 

Puff Puff: Sorry.

91大神: Please, tell us about your come-up story.

Puff Puff: Hmm, I know I don’t look a day above 19鈥�

91大神: 

Puff Puff: 鈥ut I’m old. I’ve been in this food business for a while now. It hasn鈥檛 always been stable, but I’ve always had my people and fans, the popping puffers, behind me. 

91大神: That’s the name of your fanbase?

Puff Puff: It’s not good?

91大神: If your fans like it.

Puff Puff: Aren鈥檛 you a fan?

窜颈办辞办辞:听

You got me, you got me.

Puff Puff: Anyway, my core fans have always been there, but the haters always hate and spread rumours about me. They started with the playground lie, and that one made things tough for a while. 

91大神:…

Puff Puff: I now decided to join those ingrates and their useless small chops association. That鈥檚 when the haters started coming from everywhere to insult me. They said I was always too much. Before nko? The people that fill the pack with me know I鈥檓 the life of the party. That鈥檚 why they want me there.

91大神: It鈥檚 like you have plenty haters and enemies.

Puff Puff: Shebi, you too you are seeing it.

91大神: You don’t think it might be because of your bad behaviour?

Puff Puff:

Are you one of them?

91大神: One of what?

Puff Puff: My haters.

91大神 pushes their plate of small chops away, with its ten puff puff pieces laying in the cold.

91大神: Never

Puff Puff: Better 

91大神: Before you leave, do you have anything else you want to say to your haters?

Puff Puff: Shame to bad belle people. I am the winner, you are the loser.