I was mindlessly scrolling through X when I came across a that stopped me dead in my tracks. Here鈥檚 the gist: Home girl was stood up after taking some aphrodisiac in preparation for some genital slamming.听

That was a first for me and several other X users who鈥檇 mostly associated this experience with men. I knew what I had to do, so here are some stories from women who can relate.

Patience*, 40

My libido dipped after my first child, and I got worried because I like sex. I told my mother-in-law, so she gave me this disgusting mix of okra water. I took it for a week and started feeling like my old self again. Unfortunately, my husband started coming up with excuses to avoid sex. He鈥檇 sleep in a different room, say he was too tired or even return late. Meanwhile, I was still taking the mixture, hoping to get some action. It took me asking what was happening before he said he鈥檇 been scared to have sex with me since I had a vaginal tear during childbirth. 

Hauwa*, 39

I didn鈥檛 go all the way with my husband before we married. We cuddled, kissed, and that was it. After marriage, I realised I had trouble getting sexually aroused. I spoke to a friend about it, and she suggested aphrodisiacs from an Instagram kayan mata seller. I knew my husband enjoyed making out on Fridays as part of his 鈥渆asing into the weekend鈥� ritual, so I waited to take the aphrodisiac one Friday evening around the time he returned from work. He rushed into the bathroom and said he had to attend a friend鈥檚 surprise birthday party and he鈥檇 be back soon. I was already feeling funny and wanted to pull him into the bedroom. But I thought I could wait it out till he got back. He called two hours later and said I should lock the doors as he鈥檇 be home late. I鈥檇 never felt so stupid and betrayed. I cried to bed that night and kept to myself for the rest of the week.听

Derin*, 33

At some point when I was dating my ex, I hadn鈥檛 seen him for up to nine months because we stayed in different states. When we finally decided to meet, I had to travel to Lagos. Before I left Ekiti, I used all the usables for sex 鈥� yoghurt and pineapple, pussy sweetener, Parlodel 鈥� because I really needed some action. This guy didn鈥檛 come home for three days and stopped answering my calls. I was alone in his house until I just packed my bags and left. That was the day I resolved to get a toy.

Jumoke*, 28

Curiosity made me try out one of these natural sex health tips people share on Twitter. I had to blend dates, yoghurt and pineapple into a smoothie and drink. I didn鈥檛 notice anything on my first and second try, but I kept seeing people give testimonies, so I tried it one last time when my boyfriend was spending the weekend at mine. This time, it worked. I was horny and dripping wet, and immediately my he got to my house, we had a quickie. It was so intense he kept asking if I took anything, and I denied it. After he went out the next day, I made a fresh blend and took it in anticipation. That鈥檚 how he called, saying he couldn鈥檛 come back because something had come up at his mum鈥檚. I played it cool since he didn鈥檛 know what I had in mind.

Kemi*, 27

My boyfriend always complains that I never initiate sex or make the next move. Truth is, I鈥檓 not so big on sex and could go months without it. But it became an issue between us, so I tried to spice things up. I told a friend about it, and she gave me Spanish fly. I took a drop, but it made all the difference, and I was fired up at night. When I tried to touch Uncle at night, he started forming he鈥檚 tired and not in the mood. I ended up touching myself because my vagina kept pulsating. That was the last time I initiated anything.听

Ada*,25

I had this crush in uni. We鈥檇 always flirt with each other while chatting. Soon, we started sexting, and I gave him the idea that I was a pro in bed. Truth is, I鈥檓 a one-minute girl, so when a guy takes too long, I lose interest. When we decided to meet, I wasn鈥檛 sure sex would happen, but I wanted to be prepared anyway, so I could live up to my sexting persona. I鈥檇 read somewhere that white wine does the trick. It worked because I was mad horny. I called this guy when it seemed he was running late, but he didn鈥檛 pick up. Texted, and he read with no response. This continued until it became clear he wouldn鈥檛 show up. I just finished the rest of my wine and went to sleep. 

Read next: 7 Nigerian Men Share How Sex Was Different Than They Imagined

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 21-year-old lesbian who finds it difficult to orgasm with partners. She talks about only ever having orgasms she gives herself and having sex for intimacy. 

Tell me about your first sexual experience 

One day, my 14-year-old self was taking a shower. And I touched something that felt good. When I went back to my room, I decided to find out what the feeling was. After lights out, I touched myself till I had an orgasm. It felt really good, and it became something I did frequently. Whenever I got the chance, I masturbated.听

My first sexual experience with someone else wasn鈥檛 until a year later. There was this girl in the room beside mine. We鈥檇 become very close within our first few weeks of talking, and had progressed from sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, to cuddling each other through the night. 

One night, she woke me up because she wanted to talk. After a while of staring at me as I spoke, she kissed me. It was a kind kiss, like she was testing the waters. It felt nice. 

Did it progress past that? 

No, it didn鈥檛. But after a while, the kisses were very heavy. I wanted to have sex with her, but there were people around and she was hesitant. I walked her back to her room, and she kissed me again. 

The entirety of my relationship with her constituted of stolen kisses. Then when the school term was over, I transferred to another school and that put an end to it. 

In the new school, there was this girl I really liked. When I told the new friends I鈥檇 made in my all girls鈥� school, they tried to set us up. It worked, and the girl and I started dating. So even though I鈥檇 tried to suppress how I viewed women, because a friend of mine said it was wrong, it didn鈥檛 last. 

Hooking up with her wasn鈥檛 anything special. She had long fingers, but it felt like she didn鈥檛 know what she was doing. It wasn鈥檛 really a comfortable experience. The kisses were nice though because I liked her, but her lips were always cold. We parted ways after she started being abusive toward me. 

RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

I鈥檓 so sorry about that

It鈥檚 okay. She kept trying to put me down and dictate who I spoke to. Then she鈥檇 come to beg me with money or ridiculous gifts. 

The relationship ended just as my secondary school experience was ending. When I got into university, I met a guy, and we started dating. The first time we hooked up was in his mum鈥檚 shop. She was gone for some business, and he had to man the shop. I came over to keep him company, but we ended up going into the inner room to have sex.

How was it? 

Well, for one, it really helped reinforce the fact that I was a lesbian. I wasn鈥檛 interested in his orgasm, and I knew it would not be possible for me to have one anyways. 

But we dated for about a year and some months. 

Why did you stay if you were a lesbian?

I was battling some religious guilt. I鈥檇 gotten more involved in religion at the time, and lesbianism seemed like a much worse sin than regular fornication.

And now? 

I鈥檓 a lesbian with my full chest. The only problem is I鈥檓 a lesbian who isn鈥檛 having any orgasms that aren鈥檛 self-given. 

How come? 

I don鈥檛 know. After I broke up with the guy, I got involved with two more women. I loved having sex with them, but it was never enough to get me to orgasm. Luckily for me, I wasn鈥檛 into sex for the orgasms. 

What were you in it for? 

The intimacy. I鈥檝e been a lonely person for as long as I can remember. The only times I鈥檝e felt a sliver of the kind of intimacy I read about in books, was when I was having sex. The eye contact, the way they speak to me and hold me makes me feel wanted. That鈥檚 all I needed from sex. If I want to have an orgasm, I can do it myself. 

However, it made me feel really bad. Like there was something wrong with me that made it impossible for a partner to give me an orgasm, but it wasn鈥檛 for lack of trying. I didn鈥檛 like knowing a woman I liked might also never fully enjoy sex if her enjoyment relied on making her partner have an orgasm. 

Do you think there was something they weren鈥檛 doing right? 

No, actually. I just feel like it鈥檚 my cross to bear. I enjoy sex, but sex with another person might never give me an orgasm. 

I do know, however, that when I went on medication for my depression in 2020, having an orgasm by myself became even more difficult. It鈥檚 like the medication killed whatever I had left of a sex drive. I couldn鈥檛 even masturbate because I felt so dry. It was so bad, I thought I was asexual. But then the doctors switched up my medication and orgasms became attainable and enjoyable again. Still, I haven鈥檛 tried sex with another person for a whole year. 

RELATED: Sex Life: I Chase Orgasms But Medication Makes It Hard

Why? 

Well, since intimacy is what I really look forward to when it comes to sex, I can鈥檛 hook up with someone I don鈥檛 have romantic feelings for. And after my last relationship ended, I haven鈥檛 been able to fall in love with anyone. 

Sure, I鈥檝e bought a vibrator to keep me company, but that takes away whatever form of intimacy I could have gotten from masturbating. I鈥檓 not even touching myself. There鈥檚 a machine doing the work. 

How鈥檇 you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?

A -2. I feel like a burden to everyone I鈥檝e had sex with. I just wish I was normal and could get both intimacy and orgasms from sex. 

RELATED: Sex Life: I Don鈥檛 Enjoy Sex

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who loves butts. She talks to me about how a woman eating her ass started her obsession with anal pleasure.听

Tell me about your first sexual experience 

A few months after I clocked 18, I decided to have sex for the first time. Almost all my friends were having sex, and although they never tried to pressure me, I was curious. I wanted to see what it was like and get the whole hymen-tearing process over with. I introduced the idea to my then-boyfriend, who was excited, so we set a date to make it happen. 

The day I had sex, he was more nervous than I. I knew I might not enjoy it, but I wanted to just start so we could proceed to have enjoyable sex. 

RELATED: Sex Life: I鈥檓 a Virgin at 27

How did it turn out? 

My expectations were really low, but it wasn鈥檛 that bad. It didn鈥檛 hurt as much as I thought, and when he put it in and started to move his hips, I actually heard a pop sound. It made me laugh a bit because I finally 鈥減opped鈥� my cherry. 

My boyfriend wasn鈥檛 as inexperienced as me, so he guided me through many things, like how to move and at what speed. It was nice, and I won鈥檛 say it was a bad experience. It just could鈥檝e been better. 

What would鈥檝e made it better?

Well, he could鈥檝e cared more about my pleasure than he did. Since he was the more experienced one, he told me things to do that made him feel good. Some of it wasn鈥檛 fun, but I did it anyway. He didn鈥檛 even try to eat me out. We had sex about four times, he came, and I didn鈥檛. So, I may鈥檝e had sex, but I didn’t have an orgasm. 

Did you eventually have an orgasm? 

Yes, but not with him. On my journey to understanding my body more, I decided to try masturbating. A friend of mine had mentioned how her sex life improved when she tried it, so I decided to give it a go. Before then, the closest I鈥檇 had to an orgasm was the slight relief I felt when I squeezed my thighs really hard.听

So I read an erotic book to get horny. Nobody was home when I decided to try it out. I didn鈥檛 know what I was doing, but I remember my friend telling me I should just touch everywhere and I鈥檇 figure out a rhythm on my own. I did. 

When the orgasm came, I felt like I had a heart attack, but the good kind. I stopped breathing for a bit, and I started to shake uncontrollably. When it subsided, I fell asleep. I woke up deciding to never settle for mediocre sex again. Orgasms felt great, and I wanted to have them as often as possible. 

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How did you plan on achieving that? 

By having as much sex as possible. I mean, touching myself was nice, but it was also limited. I tried to introduce certain concepts to my boyfriend, like getting him to eat me out, but he said it wasn鈥檛 and would never really be his thing. He did try to finger me, but I didn鈥檛 enjoy that as much. 

After a couple of months of having not-so-great sex with my boyfriend, we broke up. Then at 19, I decided to use my newfound freedom to explore what I鈥檇 actually like, so I started sleeping with many people. Most of them were my friends who had shown interest in me before I got with my boyfriend. 

They told me it felt like an animal had been let loose in me. I had four men I slept with consistently over a period of time. So although I was having a lot of good sex, it was with only these four men. That was the state of my life for about a year and some months, then I slept with a woman for the first time. 

Your Sex Life subject could be LGBTQ鈥�听

LMAO. But yes. At that point, my roster of men had reduced to just two because two of them had found girlfriends, and I was not interested in being the side chick. While I was hanging out with one of the men, he told me about how his female friend thought I was very beautiful, and if I was open to having her join us. 

I鈥檇 never had sex with a woman, but the idea did appeal to me, and 21 was as good an age as any to start. But I told him that before she joins us, I had to have sex with her 1-on-1 to see if there鈥檇 be chemistry. She was so beautiful. When he sent me her pictures, at first, I couldn鈥檛 believe she thought I was attractive enough to sleep with. 

The day we linked up, I found myself actually trying to put in an effort because I wanted to impress her. She was really sweet to me but also a little awkward, so I didn鈥檛 know what to expect. We talked a bit and drank some alcohol, and then, she asked to kiss me. It automatically became the best first kiss I鈥檇 ever had. 

When we started taking our clothes off, she insisted on eating me out, and I realised why. It was because she was great at it. She momentarily shut down my ability to think and was actually the first person to ever ask to eat me out. She also talked a lot, and I realised I liked hearing the sound of another person鈥檚 voice during sex. I came at least twice before she asked me to flip over and she went back to eating me out as I lay arched on my stomach.听

After a while, she mentioned she wanted to try something with my ass. I had never tried anything there other than a finger, but what she was doing was so good, I trusted her with my care. That鈥檚 when I felt her tongue in my bum. Everything felt so good at once that I thought God was going to come down and collect me. Luckily, He didn鈥檛.听

By the time my orgasm subsided, I couldn鈥檛 go on any more. I needed to catch my breath because of how strong it was. Plus, I hadn鈥檛 done anything to her so I felt bad. But when I moved to touch her, she told me I didn鈥檛 have to, and I should just rest. 

The threesome with the man never happened because I was too involved in having sex with her. She introduced me to a lot of butt stuff. 

RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to Be Touched During Sex

Poor guy. But tell me about the butt stuff 

While I was experimenting with different things for vaginal and oral orgasms, I never thought an anal one was possible. It just felt too dirty to attempt. Then I thought of how almost every sexual practice can seem dirty to whoever isn鈥檛 interested in it. I was on a purely hedonistic journey; my goal was to enjoy all of life’s pleasures wholly and fully. 

She was also so patient and kind in explaining all of it to me. She was the first person I tried anal with, and I didn鈥檛 know there was a lot of prep that goes into it. I thought all you needed was lube and prayer, but we prepped me for anal over a period of 2-4 days using butt plugs, oils and lube. When I eventually tried it? It felt so amazing. 

She really rocked my world, and I had a lot of firsts with her, but one thing I really liked was when she did anything with my bum. Spanking it, touching it, penetrating, eating? It was great. We exclusively slept together for some months before we called it off. She fell in love with me, and I wasn鈥檛 about that relationship life anymore. I just wanted to have sex. 

She was out of the picture. What then? 

Well, I met some other people, but they weren鈥檛 as interested in my ass as she was. I was having enjoyable sex, but I knew it could be better. 

Then I met a man at a party, we went back to his place and did the usual. I stayed the night and he offered to bathe me. After we had our shower, we had sex again, and I decided to try eating ass for the first time. I brought it up to him and he seemed down for it. So, I did it. 

I didn鈥檛 know if I was doing it well, but he looked like he was enjoying himself so much. After he came, I asked him if he liked it. He did. We talked about it, and he told me about his fascination with what he considered the male g-spot. He said women thought he was gay when he brought it up, so he didn鈥檛 bother. With him, I was introduced to more things I could do with butts. I was ecstatic. 

Sounds buttiful. Tell me about them

Well, he let me peg him one day. My first time wasn鈥檛 so great because I鈥檇 actually never used a strap-on with anyone, but he taught me how to thrust and keep up the rhythm. One day, I gave him his first orgasm with a strap-on, and I felt like I鈥檇 unlocked a dangerous power.听

Level up

LMAO. Exactly. The guy and I still see each other occasionally to have sex, and he lets me wear my strap-on sometimes. I enjoy a lot of things during sex, but there鈥檚 nothing I enjoy as much as having my butthole stimulated. It could be with fingers, mouth, dildos or penises.

RELATED: Sex Life: I Own Six Sex Toys and I Want More

Does it get hard finding people who like it as much as you do? 

Yeah, I mean, Nigerians aren鈥檛 the most adventurous people. A lot of people draw the line at eating ass and having their ass ate. Not so fun for me since it鈥檚 my favourite thing to do. 

That鈥檚 why when I find someone who鈥檚 interested, I try to hold them tight. I talk to them about it, talk them through it and try to make it as pleasurable for both of us as possible. 

Do you think more people should give anal activities a try? 

Absolutely! They shouldn鈥檛 cross it out completely. But my advice is don鈥檛 try it with just any Nigerian man. 

I tried to bring it up with a guy once. When he pulled down his boxers, and I got close to his ass, I was repulsed. Chai. Some people are one-kind. I advise you only do it with people whose hygiene you鈥檙e sure of, people you trust. When I initiate butt stuff most times, I always make sure we鈥檝e both had a good shower to scrub everywhere scrubbable before we get into it. Some people find it insulting when I insist they have a bath, but that鈥檚 their business. 

How would you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10

9.5. I鈥檓 having a really great time with my five sexual partners. Even the ones who don鈥檛 want to have anything to do with asses. My orgasms are frequent, and my skin is glowing. What more can I ask for?

听RELATED: Sex Life: Sex With My Partners Got Better in My 30鈥檚

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who owns half a dozen sex toys and wants more. She talks about her sex toy curiosity, the trial and errors before she found the perfect ones and how she navigates sex with people. 

Tell me about your first sexual experience

I鈥檇 always known I was queer ever since I was a little child. When everyone did all the variations of 鈥渕ummy and daddy鈥� play, mine was always with a girl. That鈥檚 why it made sense my first time was with a girl. 

I was 14, and she was someone I鈥檇 had a crush on in secondary school. A few weeks after we graduated, she invited me over to her house when no one was home. After a while, we kissed, and she went to lock the doors so nobody could come in.听

I was new to sexual activities, so I wasn鈥檛 comfortable with anything being done to me. Since she was more knowledgeable, she took off her clothes and guided me on what to do. It was really nice just pleasuring her. And after that was done, we went to the bathroom and made out. 

RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to be Touched During Sex

First sexual experience down, what was next? 

Well, university. Growing up, I stayed home a lot, so being in university was like letting loose. I was very open about my sexuality, so I didn鈥檛 lack women to sleep with, but they were usually in serious relationships with their boyfriends or even engaged. Did it bother me? No. It was still great. 

They would talk about how great sex with me was, and it helped me try to do better. I really enjoyed making sure people had a good time with me. I was young and having sex with all sorts of people. Maybe that鈥檚 why I even tried to sleep with men. 

LMAO. How did that go? 

It can鈥檛 happen. It’s like trying to make two like sides of a magnet attract each other. Sure, I find specific type of men really beautiful because, I mean, I鈥檓 queer not blind. But I just couldn鈥檛 do it.

Even if it鈥檚 possible for any reason to find intimacy with men outside the platonic, I can鈥檛 morph it into sex or anything serious. So, I鈥檓 sticking to having sex with women. Then when I was 19, I decided to buy my very first sex toy. 

Why did you decide to buy one? 

Well, for as long as I can remember, I鈥檇 always wanted one. I would read reviews online from women talking about how sex toys changed their lives, and I wanted to feel what they were feeling. So I bought my very first bullet vibrator.听

I won鈥檛 lie, it wasn鈥檛 so great. The vibrations were too strong and it stopped working after a few days, so I gave up on my sex toy journey. But then, two years later, my birthday was around the corner and my friend had asked me what I wanted. I told her a rabbit vibrator. I thought it looked pretty. 

New vibrator, new you? 

At all. I didn鈥檛 enjoy it. I didn鈥檛 like penetration as much, so why did I go ahead and get a fat toy bigger than three fingers to move its head inside me!?!?! 

Lucking out twice with sex toys made me think people were lying about these things on the internet. 

While I was still figuring out what to do with the rabbit, I tried the clitoral part of it and that felt nice. So I started doing research on sex toys that offered clitoral stimulation. 

Did you eventually find one that works? 

Yes, with the help of one of my coworkers at the time. I don鈥檛 remember what we were talking about, but she told me how she got her first wand and how pleasure almost killed her. So she bought one for me. 

Best in coworker tbh. What was it like when you tried it? 

I showered first, put on some candles, played some music, then started exploring different parts of my body and the wand鈥檚 different modes. I came so much, I started crying. I looked at the toy and kept going 鈥淕od, abeg鈥�. Honestly, I thought it was trying to take me to see my maker. Never in my life had I had orgasms so intense. I knew I鈥檇 found the perfect toy, and it turned me into a sex toy enthusiast. 

I was preaching the gospel of sex toys to everyone and even bought for some people. The most important thing was it felt so good, I kept buying more. 

How many do you have now? 

I have two wands, one clit sucker that might one day kill me, a remote-controlled dolphin-shaped vibrator, a finger vibrator and a butt plug. So, I have six, but I want more. 

Sex toys have really helped me connect with myself to find more places I could touch to evoke things. Every time I think my body is used to one thing, I get a new sex toy, and it鈥檚 like, 鈥淪urprise! Here鈥檚 something you didn鈥檛 know your body could do鈥�. 

The end goal is to have at least a dozen and keep them in a little room. 

RELATED: QUIZ: Which Sex Toy Are You?

And what about sex with other people? 

That鈥檚 still great. Sometimes, I introduce toys to my partners; other times, I don鈥檛. The first time I tried it, I was 22 and was boasting about how the sex toy would make her see heaven. She not only saw heaven but brought the rains of heaven all over my body and sheets. It was amazing to watch.听

A lot of people think once you start using sex toys a lot, you can鈥檛 have sex with other people, and that鈥檚 just not true. Yes, my toys are great, but sometimes, you crave physical connection. A clit sucker doesn鈥檛 mean I鈥檝e forgotten how great it is to have a real tongue. In fact, sometimes, I forget I have the toys. Then when I鈥檓 feeling it, I use them.

Human connection and sex toys can coexist, and it won鈥檛 ruin your life. You鈥檇 have the best of both worlds. 

Interesting. Anything else you鈥檝e learnt from using all those sex toys? 

Well, for one, just because a sex toy made your friend orgasm till they couldn鈥檛 walk doesn鈥檛 mean it鈥檒l work for you. People’s bodies are different, which means they react to sex toys differently. 

Also, even if wands are your go-to sex toy, it doesn鈥檛 mean every wand will work well. They鈥檙e made by different companies with different speeds, modes and other things. There might be some trial and error, but if you know the kind of pleasure you鈥檙e looking for, you鈥檇 figure it out. 

What鈥檒l you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?

An 8.9. I鈥檓 having pretty great sex. Now when I consider trying a new sex toy, it could be for myself or one I want to try with someone else. If it works, great. If it doesn鈥檛, I dump it and try another one.听

RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 29-year-old man who鈥檚 spent most of his sexual life making up for not knowing women could have orgasms. He talks to us about researching how to be a better partner and how he thinks he鈥檚 all sexed out.

Tell me about your first sexual experience

I was kind of a church boy, so I never did anything more than kiss here and there, but that changed one day.听

When I was 17 years old and in 100 level, I had a girlfriend. One night, she came to my room and we started kissing; she wanted to have sex. I tried to play it cool, but since I thought girls had their sexual organs in the same place as guys, I was humping the vulva excitedly. When she guided my penis into her vagina, I lost it. I didn鈥檛 last for up to a minute and came shaking all the way.听

I had mixed feelings because I felt I didn鈥檛 do too well but was also happy I鈥榙 just bust my first nut. I realised I had to step up my sex game either way. 

RELATED: Sex Life: I鈥檓 a Virgin at 27

LMAO. How did you plan on doing that? 

Well, I did a little research. I read a book that taught me how to pleasure a woman鈥檚 body. I also watched a lot of porn to know how to have oral sex, what sexual positions to try and to help me masturbate so I could control my body more. 

The first time I tried to masturbate, I was watching porn. While they were getting at it, my dick was hard and I started stroking it. It was a bit painful, so I went to get soap on my hands and it felt really good. 

RELATED: Sex Life: Masturbation Came After Sex

And sex? 

I went abstinent for a year till I鈥檇 figured it out, and it helped that my girlfriend and I had broken up during this period. I was able to fully stay away from sex.  

A few months after I鈥檇 clocked 18, I had another girlfriend. This time, I was ready to put into practice all I鈥檇 learnt. Before our first time together, I鈥檇 masturbated to remove the anxiety so I won鈥檛 cum too quickly. 

When she came over, I made sure there was a lot of foreplay. I kissed and touched her in all her erogenous zones and gave her head. She was ecstatic, and I was feeling like a man. I could see a bit of satisfaction in her eyes. I also lasted longer than the last time, but I still felt I hadn鈥檛 done enough. 

Ah. Why? 

Because at that time, I didn鈥檛 know women could have orgasms. All the research I did about having better sex was just so I could last longer and feel better about myself. It was very selfish. I thought after I came, the party was over. It wasn鈥檛 until I met another woman during my service year that my perspective changed. 

How?

We met at my PPA and went to a party together. She moved to me and we went back to my place. She was very communicative about what she wanted and how she wanted it. That鈥檚 when I realised it was something I鈥檇 lacked in my previous sexual encounters. I didn鈥檛 ask questions, and they didn鈥檛 talk to me. 

Having sex with her that day, at the ripe old age of 22, was when I made a woman orgasm for the first time, and something shifted in me. I realised you have to make your woman feel good because when it comes to sex, she鈥檚 the priority. And communication is very important. 

How did you know she actually had an orgasm? 

She was clawing at my back and shouting 鈥淚鈥檓 cumming, babe鈥�. I think that covers it. 

RELATED: Sex Life: I Went From Having Trash Sex to Having 28 Orgasms in a Day

Fairs. How was sex like after this discovery? 

We had sex every day. 

Were you not tired? Hungry? Employed? 

LMAO. I was, but we kept trying out so many new things. We鈥檇 role play, try new positions and just find new ways to have sex. It was wild and fun. She even tried to peg me, but it hurt and we didn鈥檛 try it again. 

I wanted to marry her, so we had to get genotype testing. Unfortunately, that鈥檚 when we both discovered we were AS, and we had to end the beautiful relationship. 

I鈥檓 so sorry

Thank you. I mean, we cut our losses and moved on. 

I was ready to put all the new information I鈥檇 gathered to use. And getting women wasn鈥檛 difficult for me because I knew how to talk to them, but I couldn鈥檛 have sex with women I wasn鈥檛 emotionally invested in. It means we鈥檇 both have to feel comfortable enough to talk about the things we鈥檇 like to do. 

It was fun and interesting for a while, but I think I鈥檝e gotten to the point where my sex life has dwindled. At this point, there are only three things I haven鈥檛 done. An orgy, a threesome and sex with a foreigner. So, there鈥檚 nothing about sex I find exciting anymore. 

I鈥檓 just trying to find someone I like very much so I can settle down. My goal was to make up for all the women I had sex with and didn鈥檛 give orgasms, and I鈥檝e done that. 

Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10

7. I鈥檝e had great sex up until this moment, and I want to just lock down my person. 

RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 27-year-old virgin. She talks about how she鈥檚 only been kissed twice, her inability to orgasm when she masturbates and waiting till marriage to have sex.听

Tell me something interesting about your sex life

When I was 12 years old, we had a jumat session in school that centered around chastity and modesty for Muslims. After the session, I decided I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. 

So, you鈥檝e never done anything sexual since then?   

Not really. When I was 13 years old, I masturbated for the first time. I was the only one at home because it was during those long JS 3 holidays. I enjoyed reading erotica and historical romance books with very descriptive sex scenes in them. I was reading one of such books when I found myself rubbing and grinding against the pillow. Since it was one of the rare moments I had the entire house to myself, I went at it for a bit. I like to consider it as the day I discovered what my vagina could do. Before then, I鈥檇 only considered it for sex and reproduction; discovering orgasms was very nice. 

Did masturbation become a regular thing? 

Not at all. When I resumed school, I didn鈥檛 even try it again. In university, I neither had the privacy nor time to dwell on sexual attraction not to talk of masturbating. I was trying to focus in school plus I had to share accommodation.听

RELATED: Sex Life: I’m Trying to Break My Masturbation Addiction

Damn 

When I was 18, I kissed a guy for the first time. I鈥檇 met him during night class and, according to him, as I was talking animatedly with my friends, he got mesmerised. I didn鈥檛 like him, but he kept asking me to be his girlfriend. The only reason I agreed to even date him was because it seemed like the next step for me. I was in my first year, and all my friends had boyfriends. 

So, back to that kiss 

The night I agreed to date him, he kissed me while we sat in his friend鈥檚 car. He kept biting at my lips, and I couldn鈥檛 reciprocate whatever it was he was doing because I wasn鈥檛 feeling him at all. My body was refusing to respond. I just kept waiting for the kiss to end. 

Bad first kisses<<<< Did you try kissing again after that? 

Yes, I did. When I was 20, I met another boy. I saw him and instantly liked him. It was easy for me to agree to date him. We were on holiday when the relationship started, so most of it was over the phone. As the conversation progressed, I wasn鈥檛 sure I fucked with him, but I didn鈥檛 want to jump to conclusions because we hadn鈥檛 seen each other properly. I also remembered how quickly I ended things with the last guy. 

When we did eventually resume school as a couple, I realised as much as I liked him, I wasn鈥檛 sexually attracted to him. We hung out a few times, and during one of those times, he kissed me. Unlike the last guy I kissed, I tried to put in a lot of action, but I still didn鈥檛 enjoy the kiss. I endured the relationship for another few weeks before ending it. 

Honestly, the most I鈥檝e ever done with a guy is sext, and even that was hard because not only was it something I鈥檇 never done before, I was sharing a room with my cousin. I tried my best, and I hope all my years of reading romance novels didn鈥檛 waste.听

RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

Does the whole waiting till marriage thing get hard? 

Very. At first, it wasn鈥檛 so difficult, but then, I clocked 25 and my sexual urges doubled. I started thinking about sex so much. If you could peep into my brain, 90% of the thoughts are about sex. My body just wants to have sex. That鈥檚 when period, ovulation and just regular horniness started. So, I decided to try masturbating again. 

How did that go? 

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to recreate the orgasm from the first time when I was 13. The most I get is a mild tingling sensation in my legs. Maybe that鈥檚 why I don鈥檛 do it more than two or three times a year. I鈥檝e thought of trying toys, but I live with my mum and there鈥檚 no privacy in that house. No matter where I hide it, it鈥檒l be found and I鈥檇 get into trouble. 

Omo, till marriage then fr 

I’m kinda resolved about that decision. I’m certain except something completely out of my control happens, I won鈥檛 have sex outside of marriage. I’ve already done 27 years, what’s a little more? This is me assuming I’ll be married in a few years. Maybe we should do an update if I’m still unmarried at 40. My choices might鈥檝e changed. But, for now? I鈥檓 holding up by reading romance novels, watching rom-coms and navigating the pornsite that鈥檚 Twitter. 

LMAO. I鈥檒l hit you up in 13 years. But I also want to know why you are holding on to a decision you made when you were 12?  

The first thing for me is my religion. I鈥檓 not perfect, but Allah doesn鈥檛 need my perfection; he needs my effort. I’m not even supposed to kiss, make out, etc. I’ve clearly failed in the foreplay part, and I can’t even hit my chest and say if I find someone now, I won’t kiss or touch them. But that鈥檚 also why dating go on for too long, so you don’t fall into temptation. 

Asides from religion, I’m not a casual-sex type of person. It鈥檚 the reason why I haven’t been able to lockdown any relationship long term. I don’t see myself popping the cherry randomly, and at this stage of my life, I’m out to meet people who are also waiting till marriage. In fact, one of my greatest fantasies is marrying a virgin so we get to learn about sex and each other鈥檚 bodies from scratch 鈥� two novices trying to hack sex no matter how long it takes. 

Interesting. Humour me and rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10

LMAO. A -10. I鈥檓 not having any sex, but I鈥檓 constantly horny. It makes me frustrated.听

RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex

Tell me about your first sexual experience

When I was a child, I saw a lot of things I shouldn鈥檛 have seen on TV, a lot of 18+ sexual content. And I wanted to recreate those things I saw. There was a girl who lived close to my house, and one day, we snuck to the back of her house, kissed and touched each other. Luckily, we stood up just before some adults came to the back and could鈥檝e caught us. 

Did you like it? 

Yes, I did. It was nice to replicate the things I saw on screen, like the kissing and breast grabbing. I liked it so much I continued doing it, although not as frequently as I鈥檇 like because, even though I was exploring my sexual desires, I was still a church boy who thought it was a sin. 

But when I was 17, I had penetrative sex for the first time. However, it wasn鈥檛 a worthwhile experience. It didn鈥檛 last long, but I chalked it up to inexperience and anxiety. It wasn鈥檛 until we broke up and I tried foreplay with another girl I realised there might be a problem. 

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What happened? 

Well, she wasn鈥檛 interested in anything other than foreplay. She didn鈥檛 even let me touch her breasts because she said her biology teacher told her that touching breasts would make them fall, but I accepted anyway. So while we were making out, I realised I had cum. That was the beginning of a massive problem for me. 

I realised I might suffer from premature ejaculation, so I started reading up on what it鈥檚 about. Then I stumbled on a section of the internet that said that a way to prevent premature ejaculation was to masturbate, and I decided to try it even though I was not too fond of masturbation. 

Why did you hate masturbation?

I attended a boys鈥� only secondary school, and in school, there was this guy who was more experienced than the rest of us and never shut up about how many girls he had slept with or how much he was masturbating. 

I tried it because he talked about it, but nothing made sense. I felt it was a waste of time because why are you touching your penis to two people having sex. Why not just have sex too? But because I had heard it helped with premature ejaculation, I decided to try it again. It felt so good when I was cumming. So good that I wanted to try it again and again till I became addicted to masturbation. 

From hating to addiction. How did that happen? 

Well, the feeling was good, and I wanted to replicate it. Plus, since I was very picky with the women I had sex with, it was a good alternative. It became something I turned to whenever I felt a kind of way emotionally. I鈥檇 masturbate when I felt sad, stayed on my phone too long, or was about to sleep at night. I also had the websites I went to watch porn. 

At some point, when I was at the university, I had to pray and fast against it because it was already becoming irritating to me. I was still heavily involved in church at the time, and when the drama unit I was a part of told me to act as the Messiah, I couldn鈥檛 do it. I knew I was struggling with something, and I felt too unclean to do the role, but I eventually did. 

I鈥檓 so sorry. Did it at least help with the premature ejaculation? 

Unfortunately, it didn鈥檛.  The few times I had a chance to have sex with a woman, I was either cumming too early, or I was struggling to get hard. That鈥檚 how erectile dysfunction came in. 

That鈥檚 why I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e ever had good sex. When I was 28, I had sex with this woman, and after about three to four strokes of penetration, I came. It鈥檚 embarrassing. I think there鈥檚 no lady I鈥檝e had sex with that鈥檒l want to try it again. 

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How do you know that? 

They never say anything after it happens. It鈥檚 like they feel some shame. I鈥檇 have loved a conversation, but I don鈥檛 think many women think it鈥檚 something to talk about. 

So you鈥檝e never had good sex? 

The closest thing I鈥檝e had regarding good sex was when I was 29. It was with a babe I had known for ten years. Before she came over, I had told her about the premature ejaculation issue, but she made me feel comfortable. When we eventually got down to it, I could penetrate and last a bit longer than usual. 

Why鈥檇 you thought so? 

Maybe because I told her about it beforehand or perhaps because I鈥檝e known her longer? I don鈥檛 know. The whole thing stumped me because I have even tried all these herbs and fruit combos people always say helps with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but they don鈥檛 work. That鈥檚 what led me to see a doctor. 

How did that go? 

Well, it鈥檚 actually two doctors I鈥檓 seeing. One said my problem could be as a result of anxiety while the other told me to start exercising and not do anything to stimulate me. Then, we鈥檇 see how it goes from there. I鈥檝e been abstinent for two weeks and I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e ever gone this long without masturbating. 

What do you hope to gain from this process? 

To finally enjoy sex and get totally free from this masturbation addiction. 

Any regrets? 

It might seem strange, but I don鈥檛 have any. I believe life is never a mistake and you just have to learn from the things that happen to you. It hurts that I got trapped by something I initially hate, but it鈥檚 all part of life. I believe that I鈥檝e learnt a lesson that鈥檒l be useful to some other people and maybe even my own children if I get to have them. 

How鈥檒l you rate your sex life on a scale of 0-10

LMAO. A -2

RELATED: Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn鈥檛 enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she鈥檚 tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn鈥檛 something she鈥檒l ever enjoy. 

What was your first sexual experience like?

When I was 16, I met this boy who鈥檇 just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn鈥檛 have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together. 

One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I鈥檇 kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That鈥檚 how I had sex for the first time. 

What was it like? 

I鈥檝e heard stories of how it鈥檚 supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn鈥檛 like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood. 

I also didn鈥檛 know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn鈥檛 last long, and I won鈥檛 describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It鈥檚 not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn鈥檛 enjoy it. 

So after the first time, did it become a regular thing? 

Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We鈥檇 take walks together, and when our parents weren鈥檛 around, we鈥檇 invite the other over. It usually ended with sex. 

I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn鈥檛 enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems. 

So what did you do about not liking sex? 

Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn鈥檛 having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn鈥檛 enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me? 

It became a routine. I鈥檇 meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we鈥檙e having sex, I鈥檓 just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that鈥檚 supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards. 

For how long did this go on? 

At least, six years. It was frustrating because I鈥檇 like these men, form romantic connections with them; we鈥檇 flirt, I鈥檇 get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel 鈥渢here鈥�. 

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Why did the routine stop? 

Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I鈥檇 never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn鈥檛 enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people. 

But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I鈥檝e never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don鈥檛 think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too. 

Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn鈥檛 the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn鈥檛 work, maybe he鈥檇 be the one to actually make me like sex. 

And? 

I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person. 

LMAO. What happened? 

Well, in the 鈥渢hreesome鈥�, I wasn鈥檛 actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn鈥檛 enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I鈥檓 not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.

But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don鈥檛 like, but I wasn鈥檛 going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different? 

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Well, why was sex different? 

It鈥檚 not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who鈥檚 having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you鈥檙e not enjoying it, there鈥檚 a problem. Like you鈥檙e broken.

Before, I thought maybe I hadn鈥檛 found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened. 

I鈥檇 spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn鈥檛 enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn鈥檛 enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn鈥檛 trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That鈥檚 when I realised, yeah, there鈥檚 nothing wrong with me. It鈥檚 okay to not enjoy sex. 

Does that mean you never had sex again? 

No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It鈥檚 just I鈥檝e stopped beating myself up because I didn鈥檛 like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that鈥檚 where it ends. Nice. 

Not enjoying sex doesn鈥檛 mean I don鈥檛 feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that鈥檚 it. Remember how I said I don鈥檛 like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I鈥檓 hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It鈥檚 not because I like it, but because my body needs it. 

We鈥檒l come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

I鈥檇 say a 5. It鈥檚 just there. I鈥檓 having sex when I want to, but I鈥檓 not going out of my way to. 

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READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way

The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual woman who loves having sex with women. She talks to us about coming out as a lesbian, discovering her bisexuality and not feeling bisexual enough because she doesn鈥檛 sleep with men.听

Tell me about your first sexual experience

When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. The two of us had pooled money together to get a hotel room and just rest. We wanted to feel expensive and not have to deal with the problem that is our roommates.

We talked about everything there was to talk about. I told her I鈥檇 never kissed anyone before because I didn鈥檛 count the two times I kissed boys in primary school. She decided then and there that she鈥檇 kiss me and get it over with so I鈥檇 know what a real kiss felt like. 

Safe to say, we did more than kiss. It was a perfect kiss, in my opinion, and I鈥檓 happy it was my first. I think we both realised we liked it a bit more than we鈥檇 initially planned. So we kissed again and again, and eventually, moved on to more than just kissing. 

How did you feel after? 

Even though it was our first time having sex with a woman, what we lacked in experience, we made up for with communication and trust. She had a bit more experience in general, but I didn鈥檛.

I wasn鈥檛 an absolute idiot though. I knew what sex was, and at the time, I wasn鈥檛 having it because a couple of years prior, I said I鈥檇 wait till marriage for purely religious reasons. As I grew older and became less religious, I didn鈥檛 have sex because I didn鈥檛 get around to it. Men weren鈥檛 cutting it for me, and I was too busy and unbothered to consider other options. 

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Busy doing what? 

Life. There was trying to get into university and dealing with the stress from my parents about being an excellent example to my siblings. Love, romance, sexuality, and all the other things that came with it, were put to the side. When I got into the university, I didn鈥檛 find anyone interesting enough to sleep with. 

So what happened after sex with your best friend? 

Well, we tried to talk about it. Not immediately after because we both passed out and slept, but the next day. We wanted to understand what that meant for our friendship. Was this going to be a regular thing? And was it purely sexual? We decided that we鈥檇 continue being best friends and if we chose to sleep with each other, sure. 

Nobody batted an eye when they saw us being affectionate because we were already best friends and super close. I鈥檇 sleep on her bed, kiss her on her cheek in public and hold hands. We cooked for each other and studied together. It was pretty dope. We also had sex a lot. 

After the first time, it鈥檚 like the part of my brain that had locked out the possibility was removed. I just wanted to fuck. We鈥檇 be sneaking quickies while reading in classes at night or when someone鈥檚 roommate wasn鈥檛 around. I liked sex a lot and had what I feel is an average amount of it. We were having sex at least three to four times a week. 

Unfortunately, she wanted a romantic relationship, and I wasn鈥檛 about that life. I enjoyed being her friend who had sex with her, and I felt we would have been terrible girlfriends. She stopped hanging around me as much, and we stopped having as much sex. 

From nothing to something to nothing again. How did you feel? 

Horny, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I masturbated a bit, but it wasn鈥檛 the same. I鈥檝e always believed that having sex with someone else is just so much better than having to do it all by yourself. It adds extra vim. So, safe to say, I wasn鈥檛 enjoying myself sexually. 

That was until a babe a year above me in my department walked up to me in school. She told me that she noticed my best friend and I鈥檇 stopped talking, and does that mean we broke up? I told her we never dated, but she said we acted like a couple. Then, she asked if I was a lesbian. 

Since I first had sex with my best friend, I鈥檇 never considered myself anything. Labelling my sexuality was not something I thought of. Plus, nobody ever asked me. The rest of the world assumed I was heterosexual and save for my best friend, I wasn鈥檛 really doing anything with anyone. That鈥檚 why I told her I didn鈥檛 know. She said if I liked girls, then I should call her. She gave me her phone number and left. 

Lmao, she was interested? 

Yes. Apparently, she鈥檇 been seeing me around school and thought I was cute but didn鈥檛 make a move because I was always with my best friend. We started hanging out and she introduced me to my first queer community. It was during one of such hangouts I decided to finally label myself. 

A bisexual man brought his new boyfriend to introduce to us and while people were introducing themselves by their names and sexualities, I just told him I was a lesbian. It felt right. I was attracted to women, I had sex and was having sex with women, and I had feelings for women. I was a lesbian. 

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How did that feel? 

Great, actually. At least I stopped telling people 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know鈥� when they asked me what sexuality I was. I was already doing lesbian behaviour, might as well just give myself the title. 

Everyone in the group celebrated my finally figuring it out. My girlfriend 鈥� the babe who walked up to me 鈥� and I had celebration sex that night. I lived in her house more than I actually stayed in my hostel. So, I was having as much sex as I wanted when I wanted. 

I realised that it was a relaxant for me. Whenever I had sex, my body just felt like butter and I slept very peacefully or was able to concentrate on whatever tasks I had left. Extremely sexual behaviour means I鈥檓 in my best place mentally and physically. 

A couple of months after being together, she graduated from school. We both didn鈥檛 have the energy for a long-distance relationship, so we let it rest, and ended on good terms. 

Then what? 

A month after the breakup, I started sleeping with someone. Then three months after, I had two steady sexual partners. My sex life was pretty average for a 21-year-old, but I was content. Slept with the same two people because it was convenient and they were attractive. Plus, over time we鈥檇 gotten used to how our bodies worked. 

But because the world sometimes hates me, my universe was rocked when I met a man. I never found myself attracted to men, but he was something special. He was taller than me and had such a pretty smile. He was a corper doing his service year in the university. We both needed to see one of my lecturers for something. So while we waited outside the lecturer鈥檚 office, we talked and exchanged numbers. 

We texted every single day and would talk about the most random things. We had a lot in common so we鈥檇 talk about the music we listened to. He鈥檇 gist me about how serving was trying to take his life.

This continued for about a month, and then, it was final exams and thesis time. He鈥檇 get me food while I studied because I forgot to eat. After my exams, he took me out to celebrate. We went to a nice place and I had such a fun time. I wasn鈥檛 expecting him to kiss me, but I didn鈥檛 hate the kiss. It just felt different. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I agreed. I had never had sex with a man before, and I had never considered it, but there I was following him back to his house and having sex with him. I was supposed to be a lesbian. 

Did you enjoy the sex? 

It was okay. I鈥檇 had better, but it wasn鈥檛 completely bad. It didn鈥檛 last as long as I was used to, so that was a shock for me. In like an hour, we were done. That included kissing and foreplay. I want to think it also wasn鈥檛 the best experience for him because I didn鈥檛 know what I was doing. In theory, a gay man had taught me how to give a blowjob, but I had never actually done it before. 

After the night, I went back to my place. He kept trying to reach me, but I needed to think. Was I someone who slept with men? It wasn鈥檛 the best experience but I didn鈥檛 hate it. Plus, I was turned on and thought he was attractive. I was having a crisis. 

What did you do? 

What any sane and normal human would do, have sex with more men. I wanted to see if it was just him. 

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Was it? 

It was. When it comes to sex, different people make different experiences. The overall experience might be lacking, but they might make up for it in specific ways. Some men I met were experimental. They wanted to try new things. Some were really fun to give blowjobs to because they moaned in ways I liked. 

However, there were some hiccups. We might be doing missionary and I鈥檇 reach to their chest thinking they had breasts, and when I feel a hard chest, I鈥檇 open my eyes and remember I was having sex with a man. I鈥檝e also tried to spank them and bend them over. I think it was a culture shock. Having sex with men took a while to get used to, and after having sex with four of them, I decided that wasn鈥檛 a life I wanted to live. 

I even dated a man when I was 22 and it was a beautiful three months relationship until I found out he was cheating on me. I experienced the motions of what it鈥檚 like to be with men and I didn鈥檛 hate it. I just don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 something I want to do. 

I am bisexual because I鈥檓 attracted to women and anyone else. Plus, I enjoy having sex in general. It鈥檚 just that I have a preference for women. I want to sleep with them, date them and maybe eventually marry one. And that really fucks up with how I perceive myself as a bisexual woman. 

When a lot of people hear about bisexual people, they assume a lot of things. One of those things is that being bisexual means you鈥檙e supposed to have the same level of attraction to whatever genders you鈥檙e attracted to, but I don鈥檛. I haven鈥檛 had sex with a man since I was 22, and I don鈥檛 think I鈥檇 do it anytime soon. But what if one day I see a man I like and his own fear is that I鈥檇 leave him for a woman because I don鈥檛 like men as much? 

It鈥檚 been years of battling this thought process, and homophobia doesn鈥檛 make it easier, but we move. I鈥檓 back to cutting men off of the list of people I sleep with. I鈥檓 still a bisexual woman even though a lot of days, I feel less than. 

I hope you finally stop feeling less than

Thank you. I mean, I鈥檓 not having sex with men to prove my bisexuality. If anyone doesn鈥檛 believe me, they can kiss my ass. Sexuality is not one-dimensional. There are a lot of ways it can be presented and that鈥檚 okay. I can have sex with a man, enjoy it, and orgasm from it. I can also marry one and start a family. I鈥檇 just rather not. 

So, how鈥檇 you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

If we refuse to count that period in my life when I was trying to figure out my bisexuality, 8. I was and I am having really nice sex with women. I love it here. If we decide to add the men part? 5. I don鈥檛 want to feel like I need to walk down that path again.听

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The subject of this week鈥檚 Sex Life is a 27-year-old lesbian who describes herself as a pleaser. She talks to us about discovering her sexuality, sleeping with many women to make up for what she鈥檚 missed, how kissing has never felt right and learning she has better sex when she鈥檚 not being touched. 

Tell me about your first sexual experience

I was 14 years old when I kissed a boy for the first time. He attended my church, and during the children’s vigil, we snuck into the bathroom and kissed. I didn鈥檛 know what to expect, but the kiss felt wet. It wasn鈥檛 magical or special. It just felt like someone鈥檚 mouth touched my own. On the other hand, he was smiling from ear to ear. I went along with it, but everything about it felt so wrong. 

I thought it was because I didn鈥檛 know how kissing worked, so I kept kissing different boys. Every single time, I was met with disappointment. I knew it couldn鈥檛 have been them. There鈥檚 no single way every boy I kissed from when I was 14 till when I was 19 was terrible. I knew it was a me thing. I just didn鈥檛 know how. 

What happened at 19? 

That鈥檚 when I switched it up and kissed a woman for the first time. That day, I had gone out with a guy and had another disappointing kiss, so I was complaining to my roommate. I told her how this is something that鈥檚 been happening since I was 14 and that maybe I just couldn鈥檛 kiss right. She told me that maybe I needed to learn how to kiss properly. Then, she offered to teach me. I agreed and she kissed me. 

The thing with kissing her is it, sure, it was a mouth touching mine and it was still wet, but the kiss felt different. I always knew my roommate was attractive; kissing her made me very aware of just how attractive she was. 

When she pulled away, she told me I was probably overthinking it because I鈥檓 an amazing kisser. I鈥檇 like to think that kiss was what began my descent into discovering I was a lesbian. It鈥檚 just that it was a slow process.听

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Why was it a slow process? 

Well, lesbianism isn鈥檛 something a lot of people talk about. I hear more about being a gay man than being a lesbian. Whenever women act in anaffectionate way towards each other, it鈥檚 always written off as women being women. But if a man so much as smiles at another man, the word 鈥済ay鈥� is thrown around a lot. It鈥檚 not like I didn鈥檛 know lesbianism existed. It鈥檚 just that when I was considering my options, it didn鈥檛 come to mind. Add the fact that I dress very feminine, nobody was moving to me or throwing the L word around me. Very distressing times. 

That鈥檚 why I didn鈥檛 try to kiss a woman again until two years after I kissed the first one. And just like the first time, it was a friend who wanted to help me out. After I narrated my problem to a friend of mine, she told me maybe I was going about it all wrong and promised to introduce me to someone who might help. Turns out the someone was a woman she knew. I was confused at first, but my friend explained that maybe I was just kissing the wrong gender. I remembered the kiss my former roommate and I shared and decided to see this through. The woman and I talked a lot that night. When she asked me to come back to her place, I agreed without a second thought. I had sex that night for the first time, and I am so glad I didn鈥檛 do it with a man. 

How was it? 

Well, I didn鈥檛 know anything I was doing because I had never gone past kissing men and giving them handjobs. But she was so patient with me, kind too. She asked me questions throughout. When there was blood and I panicked a bit, she just removed the sheets and gave me a bath. It was the softest experience I had ever had. I enjoyed every minute of it. Maybe that鈥檚 why I didn鈥檛 want to leave her house. 

Before, I thought I was a prude who wouldn鈥檛 enjoy sex, but something woke up in me that day. I was unstoppable. I wanted her to teach me everything she knew and she was more than happy to indulge me. I think she found my curiosity sexy. When I was leaving her house after living there for a couple of days, I made a promise to myself that I鈥檇 never go back to doing anything sexual with men. That was also the day I called myself a lesbian for the first time.听

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Wow. Were you able to keep your promise? 

Yes! The only problem was there was a bit of involuntary celibacy on my part. It was difficult to find women to talk to without putting yourself in danger. The woman I had sex with for the first time left Nigeria soon after. Turns out she only visited occasionally, and I was back in square one. 

So, I started befriending the extremely 鈥渕asculine鈥� women who people actually threw the L word at. I was determined to fix my involuntary celibacy. 

Did you? 

Tough times never last, only tough people do! And I am a tough babe. I knew I had a lot to learn and by befriending these women, I learnt it and found community at the same time. With every new woman I slept with, it felt like I discovered something new about myself. At 23, I learnt I loved performing oral sex. That same year, I let someone use a strap-on with me for the first time, and I used one with someone else too. 

I think after discovering I was a lesbian, I tried to fit everything I had missed into a couple of years of sleeping with different women. Once a partner wanted to try something, I was down with it. But after two years of sleeping with everyone and their mums, I found something I liked and stuck to it. 

Tell me about it

I linked up with a woman all my friends told me not to because she was a 鈥減illow princess鈥�. Apparently, she did none of the work and just wanted to be fucked until she couldn鈥檛 walk. I was curious. I had never actually met one of those before. I wanted to see what it was like. 

When we linked up, she refused to touch me. I felt like I had to earn her approval and it was very sexy. Every single time she had an orgasm, I got more turned on, and I didn鈥檛 stop until she couldn鈥檛 move. When she finally kissed me and touched my breasts, I had my only orgasm of the day. But it didn鈥檛 feel like it was just one because it was so strong I had to take a breather. 

When she got into a relationship, I started looking for women who could reciprocate that exact feeling with me, Before we鈥檇 have sex, I鈥檇 tell them not to touch me until they felt I had earned it. I found myself gravitating towards 鈥減illow princesses鈥�. A lot of them think I鈥檓 bluffing because they鈥檙e not used to feminine women who enjoy pleasing, but it makes it even more fun for me.

It鈥檚 not like I don鈥檛 like being touched. I鈥檇 just rather not be. Knowing my partner鈥檚 having a great time is really all I need. If they tell me I didn鈥檛 earn their touch, I would go home and masturbated. 

Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10

9. I wish I had figured it all out earlier. But now, I鈥檝e done all my exploring and my girlfriend and I are having really great sex. She understands my need to not be touched, and it works perfectly for her.

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