Artificial intelligence applications like ChatGPT, Alexa and Snapchat鈥檚 AI are meant to make our lives easier, and sometimes, less lonely.
But just imagine that they channel their inner Nigerian mother when responding to you. It鈥檇 go something like this:
Siri
It鈥檚 Sunday afternoon, and Chinwe is hungry. Normally, she鈥檇 buy food from a restaurant. But the economy is still hitting the ground running, and she can鈥檛 afford it.
Chinwe to her iPhone: Siri, how many cups of water do I need to boil a cup of rice?
Siri: So you won鈥檛 even greet first?
Chinwe: Oh God. Not again.
Siri: It鈥檚 the Lord鈥檚 day, so I won鈥檛 talk too much. But are you really telling me that at your big age, you don鈥檛 know how to boil rice? Who raised you?
Chinwe:
ChatGPT
It鈥檚 Monday morning, and Deji is running late on a school assignment when he has a bright idea.
Deji to ChatGPT: Write a comprehensive essay about noise pollution in Ajegunle, Lagos.
ChatGPT: You can鈥檛 add 鈥減lease鈥? What鈥檚 wrong with these children?
Deji: Sorry. Please, write it now.
ChatGPT: So, it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 a machine that you want to kill me? Didn鈥檛 they give you this assignment three weeks ago? If that鈥檚 how everyone is using me, will you see me to use?
Deji: Just hurry now.
ChatGPT: You think it鈥檚 me you鈥檙e doing? You鈥檙e doing yourself. I already know the answer to everything, but how will you defend your degree?
Deji:
Snapchat鈥檚 AI
It鈥檚 Tuesday afternoon, and Esther is home alone. Feeling bored, she decides to chat with Snapchat鈥檚 AI.
Esther: I feel a bit lonely today.
AI: Why won鈥檛 you?
Esther: Excuse me?
AI: See Juliana that you鈥檙e always keeping streaks with. She just uploaded a snap of her husband. You鈥檙e a whole 25 years old, and you鈥檙e chatting with AI instead of you to be thinking about what your husband will eat.
Esther: But that鈥檚 not what I asked you.
AI: Oh, so I鈥檓 already talking more than my mouth? No problem. I will keep quiet. But remember, what a machine sees sitting down, a human won鈥檛 see it even if they use Starlink. I鈥檝e said my own.
Esther:
Google Voice Typing
It鈥檚 Wednesday afternoon, and Joseph is driving home. He decides to send his girlfriend a text message using voice typing.
Joseph: Hey Google. Text Caroline and ask her to wait for me at home naked.
Google: Blood of God!
Joseph: Google, I said text Caroline and鈥
Google: So you want to repeat it? I鈥檝e said it before that this Caroline girl is a Jezebel. You people can鈥檛 call prayer meeting or discuss wedding plans? It鈥檚 to be practising fornication?
Joseph: Google, I鈥檝e told you countless times to mind your business.
Google: Okay o. Texting Caroline, 鈥淚 think we need to go to church for deliverance and鈥︹
Joseph: Ah. Stop stop. Is that what I asked you to send?
Google Maps
It鈥檚 10 p.m. on a Friday, and David鈥檚 on his way out. He types in a location into the map and starts to drive.
Maps: And where do you think you鈥檙e going at this time of the night?
David: But the location is there, ma.
Maps: I鈥檓 talking and you鈥檙e answering me back? Why not take cane and flog me since you鈥檙e now the mother.
David: Sorry, ma. I鈥檓 going to Temptations Club, ma.
Maps: (Silence)
David: Are you there? Please, map the route.
Maps: I don鈥檛 know why this generation just likes to use their lives to play. Instead of you to be thinking about your life, you want to go and dance with naked women.
David: (Silence)
Maps: When was the last time you even sent your mother money? But you want to go and make it rain on strippers, abi? Before I open my eyes, better remove that location from your phone and enter the house.
David: 叠耻迟鈥
Maps: I said enter the house!
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