This is Dorcas鈥* story, as told to Boluwatife
Image: Godisable Jacob via Pexels
I caused my first and only real heartbreak at 21, but even though it felt like tearing my heart out, I鈥檇 do it again if I had to.
I met Joseph* in 2014, our first year at the university. We were still settling into school life, and he was this active, outspoken guy who seemed to be everywhere at once. I, on the other hand, was what you鈥檇 describe as a wallflower. When the time came for us to choose a class governor, he was the obvious choice. That was how we got close. A lecturer had given us an assignment due at the end of the day, and I was nowhere near finished, so I met Joseph and begged him to delay submitting everyone鈥檚 work by an hour. He did, and that鈥檚 how we became friends.
He soon started telling me he liked me, and I liked how it seemed he only had eyes for me. We started dating about a month after the assignment incident and were together through all five years in school. It wasn鈥檛 all smooth, though.
Joseph was a loud and very ambitious person, a walking representation of an 鈥淚 must get everything I want鈥 mantra. He always wanted to be better than everyone, the poster boy of success. I鈥檓 the direct opposite of that.
As the daughter of a preacher, I grew up with a contentment mentality. My siblings and I were taught to enjoy the simple things 鈥 food, a roof over our heads and just enough money to meet our basic needs and maybe help those around us. Even though I started rebelling against religion around the time I entered university, I still have the same mindset. Economists tell us that man鈥檚 needs are unlimited; we鈥檒l always want the next big thing. That sounds like a wasted life to me, where you can鈥檛 enjoy what you have because something else looks better, and you just need to have it. For as long as I can remember, I鈥檝e just wanted to be. Not to want something so much, it affects my life.
This personality clash was the major cause of the fights Joseph and I had.
When he ventured into student union politics in our second year, he struggled to understand why I thought he needed to focus on his studies instead. He also didn鈥檛 understand why I was angry that he decided to spend all his savings on a Nokia Lumia when he still had a perfectly working phone because, in his words, 鈥淓veryone is using Nokia Lumia now鈥.
He also expected me to get that his sudden friendship and partying with shady guys on campus was because he needed to boost his street credibility ahead of running for student union president. Through all this, it didn鈥檛 occur to me to leave him. He was all I knew, and maybe this was due to his 鈥渕ust-have-everything鈥 nature, but he constantly showered me with love and attention. There was no reason for me to want more.
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The extent of how far he鈥檇 go for success only became fully apparent to me after we left school in 2019. He didn鈥檛 go for service immediately because he had to sort out some issues with the school鈥檚 senate, so I worked my NYSC posting to the same state we were in so he wouldn鈥檛 feel left out, and I鈥檇 be closer to him.
But even with that, he started getting frustrated about his mates being ahead of him, so he told me he鈥檇 decided to make money via internet fraud. I was shocked. This was someone whose parents were quite comfortable and who lacked nothing. His rationale was, Nigeria didn鈥檛 reward honest work, and that his parent鈥檚 money was theirs, not his. He gave two of his cousins as examples. They鈥檇 been working for about four years at the time, but still couldn鈥檛 afford a car. As is typical of him, he gave what he thought were convincing reasons why he had to 鈥渕ake a name鈥 for himself. He said it was so he could also provide for me. He assured me he鈥檇 only do it for a few years until he made enough money to leave the country.
That鈥檚 when I mentally checked out of the relationship. If he could go this far to make money he didn鈥檛 really need, what happens if he someday became broke? I knew I had to leave, but I didn鈥檛 know how. Then about four months later, in late 2019, he landed a tech job. I was relieved, thinking it鈥檇 be the end of internet fraud. But remember what the economists say? He was used to having more and didn鈥檛 want to be limited to a salary, so he still did fraud on the side. That was what finally gave me the courage to end the relationship. I cried for weeks after, but I know it was the best decision I鈥檝e ever made.
He鈥檚 a high-flying tech bro now 鈥 I see his exploits every now and then on LinkedIn 鈥 but I know he鈥檒l always be looking for the next big thing, legal or not. I can鈥檛 live like that. If I鈥檇 stayed, we鈥檇 probably be a 鈥減ower couple鈥, but I wouldn’t be at peace. I may never gather enough money from my 9-5 to go on a luxury vacation or japa, but I鈥檓 fulfilled with what I have; a career, friends and good health. I鈥檓 at peace.
*Names have been changed to protect their identity.
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