This is Charis*鈥 story, as told to Boluwatife
Image source: nappy via pexels
I鈥檓 an extrovert who doesn鈥檛 know how to keep friends. I know what you鈥檙e thinking: How鈥檚 that even possible? I don鈥檛 know either. All I know is I can walk into a room and vibe with everyone there, but it never goes past that. I鈥檓 terrible at keeping that 鈥渧ibe鈥 long enough to form an actual friendship.
I鈥檝e always been like this. My social nature means I stand out among my mates, and people tend to flock to me, even during my secondary school days. But then, when they come around, I engage them for a while, lose interest and move to the next thing or person that catches my eye.
In university, I just had acquaintances. We called each other friends but never talked about the important things. I couldn鈥檛 just call them in the middle of the night when I couldn鈥檛 sleep, tell them how I was crushing on one guy, or share my worries about my mum鈥檚 health. And it wasn鈥檛 really their fault. I just didn鈥檛 know how to put my energy into being close to people like that.
So when I got into my friend group in 2019, I couldn鈥檛 believe my luck. I met Rachael* during NYSC orientation at the Iseyin camp. She鈥檇 noticed I always got food in mammy market, walked up to me one day and went, 鈥淎re you related to Dangote?鈥 I was still trying to understand the question when she laughed and explained why she said so. We became pretty close, and even when I started to withdraw, she鈥檇 come to my bed and talk to me.聽
Just before the end of camp, my mum passed away, finally succumbing to her long-term heart issues, so I had to leave camp early and return home to Lagos. Rachael kept in touch and even came down to Lagos a week before the burial to be with me. That鈥檚 when I officially became part of her friend group. She got her three other friends to call to sympathise with me and made sure they also came for the burial. I hit it off with them, and before I knew it, they鈥檇 added me to their WhatsApp friend group.
Our friendship has lasted almost four years now because they put a lot into ensuring we all communicate on WhatsApp and even go on the odd girls鈥 trip. But I feel like the odd one out. Rachael and our other friends have known each other since university. I can just open our WhatsApp chat now and find 30+ messages of them sharing inside jokes or talking about someone I鈥檝e never heard of.
They even like the same things. Anytime we plan a hangout, it鈥檚 almost always at someplace I don鈥檛 like because, by the time the others vote, I鈥檓 the only one with a different opinion. Let鈥檚 not even talk about how I鈥檓 a literal odd number. Before I joined, they were four in the group; I became number five. I sometimes feel like the third (or fifth) wheel, watching the others all perfectly paired up. They have this connection even outside our group activities, while the group is the primary thing I have in common with the four of them. It鈥檚 hard for me to just pick up the phone to call one of them and talk for hours.聽
Don鈥檛 get me wrong, they鈥檙e nice people, but I sometimes feel like I鈥檓 outside the group looking in. A perfect example is how, during Moyin*鈥檚 鈥 one of our friends 鈥 wedding in 2021, Rachael would casually mention on the bridesmaids group chat that she鈥檇 discussed with Dara* when she slept over at her place the previous night, and they thought we needed to reconsider one thing or the other about our outfits. Like, aren鈥檛 we all in the same group for that purpose? What are these separate conversations about?
Even their parents know each other. It鈥檚 not strange to hear that Moyin鈥檚 mum called Rachael on her birthday, or that Dara鈥檚 mum sent fish to Moyin. But just three months ago, I had to travel to Abuja for work. Moyin鈥檚 mum lives in Abuja, so the day before I travelled, I asked Moyin to tell her mum I鈥檇 like to stay over at their place. I was told the house was full and that their dad didn鈥檛 like impromptu visits. I understood, but I wondered, what if it was Dara who needed a place to stay? Wouldn鈥檛 they have found a way to help? I felt hurt, but I know Moyin would鈥檝e helped if it was her house I needed to stay in.
I鈥檝e never told them how I feel because I don鈥檛 want to cause unnecessary drama. I know I can do a long group call just to rant, but I think I have to come to terms with the fact that they鈥檒l always be closer to each other than me. They have common experiences I may never be able to relate to, but I guess that鈥檚 okay.
This is the closest I鈥檝e ever gotten to real female friendships. I don鈥檛 have a best friend, but at least, I have people who look out for me, and that鈥檚 better than nothing.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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