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Most Lagosians have a Computer Village story; some are hilarious and others are terrifying. They range from buying a phone and seeing semo inside the box when you get home, to having someone shake your hand and realising five minutes later that your phone is gone. If you have a Computer Village horror story, you can probably relate to these seven stages:

You suddenly realise your phone is missing

Maybe it’s your first time here, so you’re wondering why everyone is hissing at you, trying to get you to see the new gadget they’re selling. And you can’t tell why this particular guy keeps following you everywhere even though you’ve told him off. He eventually leaves you alone, and a few minutes later, you realise your pocket feels lighter.

Doubt sets in

At this point, your mind starts racing and running double-checks. “Did I put my phone in my bag?” You check your bag, and it’s not there. Then, you realise what’s happening — your phone is long gone.

You start to have flashbacks

Your mind flashes back to the guy who was following you. “Could it be him? Did he touch my pocket?” You decide the only way to find out is to find him and ask.

You start searching for the thief

You retrace your steps to the place where you last saw this person, hoping to see them again. But when you don’t see them, you start asking around, trying to describe them to other people. Miraculously, you’re pointed in a particular direction.

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You decide to confront the person

You get there, and you see the person you’re looking for. You approach them and ask politely if they took your phone. Unknown to you, this is a cardinal sin. You simply do not ask a thief whether they’ve stolen from you. They start shouting at you, with the familiar “who you be?”

You realize that words alone cannot settle this issue

Like the Lagosian you are, you decide the best way to go about this is to show some craziness. Obviously, that’s the only way they’ll listen to you, so you start to shout and throw punches like Bash Ali’s protege.

You get beaten really bad

Unfortunately, you’re not Bash Ali’s protege. You get whopped really bad and no one even cares to listen to the reason why you were shouting in the first place. You now realise what a bad idea this was and decide to leave without your phone.

You realise it’s not only your phone that was stolen

You get to the bus stop, but just as you’re about to take a bus home in pain and regret, you realise your wallet is now also gone.

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