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Author: Nwachukwu Marisvega

Cab drivers hear a lot more than just directions to the next destination. From family and relationship dramas to conversations that probably should never have happened in public, these drivers often have front row seats to truly unhinged moments.

We asked some of them to reflect on what they’ve experienced on the job, and they’ve got stories for days. 

“I screamed before I remembered I was the driver” — Adewale, 33

I’ve been driving for years, and one thing about Uber is that the back seat can double as a free podcast. 

One morning, two ladies got into my car, already deep in conversation. One was telling her friend how her man had cheated on her days earlier. She confronted him, he got angry, and somehow, she ended up begging him.   Her friend kept shouting as if someone had died.  But that wasn’t even the wildest part of her story. The man had arranged a meeting between her and the other woman to “settle things,” and she actually agreed to go. I don’t even know when I joined her friend in screaming. They both turned around, and I immediately switched my focus to the road.

“I’m glad I kept my opinions to myself that night” — KC, 29

I’ve been driving for three years, but one ride from 2023 is still fresh in my head. Around 9:30 p.m., I picked up two boys in Yaba. One seemed tipsy, and they were talking quietly in the back. I tried not to listen until I heard the tipsy guy apologising. His friend reassured him and joked about the Long Island he’d had.

Then the conversation changed. The tipsy guy started talking about how people had reacted when he held his hand and pulled him out of some chaos. A moment later, I heard a kiss. 

When I checked the rear-view mirror, they were holding hands, with the tipsy guy resting his head on the other’s shoulder. I was irritated because I was homophobic then. Looking back, I’m glad I kept my mouth shut. I clearly had some unlearning to do.

“He was embarrassed to have a woman driving him” — Omolara, 27

One day, I picked up a man who barely acknowledged me. He looked moody, so I focused on driving. A few minutes into the trip, he called his friend and complained in Yoruba about being assigned a female driver. He said he felt like a “passenger princess.”  Apparently, he’d been in a hurry and didn’t check my profile.  “How can a woman be driving me around?” he asked his friend. I couldn’t help laughing. Misogynistic men who don’t own cars? I’ve seen it before. When we arrived, I smiled at him and said, “Odabo sir.” The look on his face was priceless.

“He told me to get a girl pregnant so her bride price would be cheaper” — Chris, 26

I once picked up an elderly man in his 60s who asked if I was married. I told him marriage wasn’t my priority because I was focused on building myself up. He hissed and told me my problem was probably the bride price. Then he suggested getting a girl pregnant out of wedlock because it would reduce her bride price. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he added that I should go for girls  between 17 and 21 because “the older ones are wiser.” 

I couldn’t believe my ears, but he wasn’t done.. He proudly told me he had two wives and an 18-year-old girl at the University of Ibadan ready to become his third. I called him a paedophile, but he was barely moved. He said  the word was “a Western thing.” We argued about morals until we reached his destination. At one point, I considered swerving, but I remembered I was the one who would have to pay for the car.

“He tried to get me fired after I refused to hide his drugs” — Emezie, 43

I worked as a private driver for two months for a family whose son had just returned from the UK. One night, he was going to a party and asked me to pick up his friend. They started talking about what they had with them, but I wasn’t paying attention until I heard  “molly, weed, colos and coke”. 

Around 1 a.m.,  his friend suddenly asked what would happen if the police stopped us. “Don’t worry, he’ll hide it,” the guy said,  referring to me. I immediately asked, “Who is ‘we’? Then I told him that if the police caught us, I would deny both of them. Thankfully, we got to the party without incident. He later tried to get his mother to fire me until I told her everything. She took it up with him and retained me as his driver.

“I realised these boys had no idea what they were getting into” — David, 37

I picked up four boys one evening, and they started discussing an orgy happening that weekend almost as soon as they got into the car. They talked about sharing, who they were excited to see, what they would drink to “last longer” and how they would approach the girls. From the conversation, they sounded like complete amateurs. 

I’ve attended my fair share of sex parties, so I knew they were walking into something they hadn’t prepared for. At one point, one of them started talking about going raw. I had to interrupt. I asked if there would be any testing beforehand, and they said no one had mentioned tests. I told them there were worse things than HIV and left it at that. 

Author: Nwachukwu Marisvega

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