Sunken Ships is a 91大神 weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships 鈥 familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Iyebiye* (27) and Remi* (27) met in secondary school and became best friends. This friendship was a safe space for Iyebiye until one missed FaceTime call spiralled into an argument that strained their bond.
For Sunken Ships, Iyebiye talks about the argument that ended a decade-long friendship, and why forgiveness doesn’t always mean a second chance.
How did you and Remi become friends?
In 2012, she joined my SS1 set as a new transfer student. We were in different classes, but a couple of my friends swore I would like her. They introduced us, and we became fast friends.
That鈥檚 cool. What was your friendship with her like?
It was amazing while we lasted. We were the only two people in my set with Blackberry phones, so every time we went home for the holidays from boarding school, we would chat for hours on BBM messaging app. At school, we did everything together. Soon, she started telling people I was her best friend. I loved the sound of that, so I went along with it.
Why did you decide to go along with it?
I had never had a best friend before, and I really enjoyed our friendship. It was the first time in my life that people associated me with someone in that way. Even our families got to know each other because of our friendship. It felt like we were building something special.
What changed?
Remi moved abroad for university in 2016, while I remained in Nigeria. We were sure nothing could affect our friendship, but the distance and time zone differences put an invisible strain on our relationship. This eventually led to our final argument.
Tell me about that.
In 2022, I was having a rough time. I was in my final year, fighting for my life, battling depression, struggling with financial stability and a tumultuous family dynamic. Because of this, I wasn鈥檛 on my phone much and often missed calls and messages. She knew I was struggling at the time, but when I missed her FaceTime call on a random Tuesday, she exploded.
What do you mean?
Things were so bad at the time that I couldn鈥檛 afford data consistently. She called when I didn鈥檛 have data, so when I managed to buy some a few days later, I saw she had tried to reach me and called her back. She was very upset and said the worst things to me.
What did she say?
She accused me of using the excuse of not having data to try to manipulate her into buying some data for me. I told her that wasn鈥檛 the case, but she was too angry to listen. She called me a leech and said all I do is “take and take” without bringing anything to our friendship. She mentioned the phone she got for me and said it was crazy that after she did that, I still wanted her to buy me data.
She got you a phone?
Yes, unprovoked. Earlier in 2022, my phone broke, and I had no money to fix or replace it. The minute she heard, she bought me a phone and had it delivered to my doorstep as a surprise. At the time, she mentioned she didn鈥檛 tell me about the gift in advance because she knew I would turn it down, so it was wild to me that she would raise it as an example of how I was 鈥渓eeching鈥 off her.
How did you respond to her accusation?
I was so hurt and embarrassed. I told her she was acting totally out of character and I wished her the best, but I asked her never to reach out to me again.
What did you do after that?
I reached out to a few of her mutual friends in her country. Her messages were erratic, and the accusation was so out of character that I knew something was wrong. It turned out that she was having a mental breakdown from the pressure of her studies. They managed to get her the help she needed.
Whoa, that鈥檚 crazy! Did you reach out to her after she got better?
No. I didn鈥檛 feel safe in our friendship anymore.
Did she reach out to you?
While she was getting treatment, she reached out to me a few times to try to pick up the fight again, but I ignored her. I didn鈥檛 want her to hurt me more than she had already, and I had already checked out of the friendship.
What about when she got better?
In 2024, after she recovered, she sent me a long message apologising for her actions and begging us to rekindle our friendship.
What did you say?
I told her that I had forgiven her, but I didn鈥檛 see us ever being friends again. It felt a bit harsh, but I knew I could never be as open with her as I used to be.
Did she reach out to you after that?
Yes, she sends me a check-in message every few months. At first, I ignored them, but after a while, I started replying. She called me on my birthday in 2024, and she asked if we could at least try to rebuild our friendship.
What did you say to that?
I told her I was willing to try. Now, we have a year-long streak on Snapchat.
Does this mean there鈥檚 hope for you guys to become best friends again?
I don鈥檛 think so. I鈥檓 still on guard when I talk to her. We are nowhere as close as we used to be, and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檒l ever be best friends again. But it鈥檚 nice to be cordial with her.
Has this affected the way you approach your other friendships?
A little. I鈥檓 even more wary of asking my friends for help or accepting gifts now. I don鈥檛 like being accused of bad-faith actions, and I鈥檇 rather avoid it totally.
