Sunken Ships is a 91大神 weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships 鈥 familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Pamilerin* (28) and George*(28) were good friends for over five years. After their history of a good friendship, Pamilerin decided to give a romantic relationship between them a shot. What happened after surprised her.
In this Sunken Ships, she talks about their friendship, their brief relationship and how it has affected her views on love and friendship.
At what point did you realise that your relationship with George wasn鈥檛 going to work out?
Our relationship was doomed when I couldn鈥檛 recognise him anymore. He鈥檇 been in my life for over five years, but we鈥檇 only been together romantically for a few months. I knew I had to end things for my heart鈥檚 sake.
Whoa, that鈥檚 heavy. Let鈥檚 go back to how everything started.
We met at a mutual friend鈥檚 house party in 2018. We were paired up for a game, and our chemistry was amazing. At the end of the party, he took my number, and we started texting over WhatsApp. Soon, we became good friends.
How would you describe your friendship with George?
We were super close and spoke every day. He lived and schooled in Lagos while I was in Ibadan, so we didn鈥檛 see each other often. While our relationship was completely platonic, it was obvious that he had romantic feelings for me.
Did you have the same feelings?
At the time, no. I鈥檓 emotionally avoidant: relationships, love and all that complicated stuff scare me. A past relationship had been ruined by infidelity. I wasn鈥檛 willing to look at my feelings closely after that, and since he never brought it up, I was happy to enjoy our friendship.
Okay. When did things change between you?
2019. He started visiting Ibadan more often after we graduated from university, and we spent more time together. After he returned to Lagos following one of such visits, he confessed his feelings over a call and told me he wanted to take our relationship to the next level.
What was your response?
I turned him down. I told him about my issues with relationships and why I wasn鈥檛 ready to get into another one. I asked him if my refusal would affect our friendship, and he said no. So we continued being close friends.
Did he try to ask you out again after that?
Yes, multiple times. He didn鈥檛 do it as overtly as the first time. He just reminded me often that he really liked me and he wanted to be my first option if I ever wanted to try dating again. I used to laugh it off, but it was always at the back of my mind.
When did you realise you had feelings for him?
2020. During the lockdown, we went from talking to each other every other day to every single day. He was the first person I spoke to every morning and the last voice I heard at night. I started looking forward to his phone calls and messages more than usual. It took a while, but I had to admit to myself that the feelings I had for him had grown past simple friendship.
Did you tell him how you felt about him?
No, I didn鈥檛 know what to do with my feelings. I thought they would fade away if I ignored them, but instead they grew until the tension between us became too much to ignore.
What happened?
After the strict lockdown restrictions were lifted, George visited Ibadan in September. It was the first time I had seen him in person that year. We went on a picnic date to catch up. One thing led to another, and we shared our first kiss. It was then that I admitted to him that I had feelings for him.
How did he react?
He was so happy when I told him I liked him too. He kissed me again and said he was glad he鈥檇 waited for me to come around. He asked me to be his girlfriend again. This time, I said yes.
How would you describe your relationship? Was it different from when you were just friends?
It was bittersweet. It was definitely different from when we were just friends. The first two months of our relationship were amazing. It was as if we became even closer than we were before. We talked every day, had virtual dates, and we even had a weekend staycation together. I thought I had finally found the love they write about in books 鈥 you know, friends to lovers. But it didn鈥檛 take long for everything to suddenly change.
Tell me about those changes.
The first red flag was that he stopped sending me good morning messages two months into our relationship. I didn鈥檛 want to read too deeply into it. He鈥檇 gone to the village with his family for the holidays, so I told myself he was probably busy with the festivities. But when he got back to Lagos, he didn鈥檛 resume sending the messages.
Did you try to talk to him about the sudden change?
Not at first. I didn鈥檛 want to seem needy or clingy. I wanted to think we were simply exiting the honeymoon stage of our relationship for a more relaxed one. But things between us kept getting worse.
How do you mean?
He started getting too busy to speak for consecutive days. I would send him multiple messages, and on a good day, he鈥檇 reply to only one. When I鈥檇 call him, he鈥檇 claim he was busy and promise to call me back later. He never did.
I tried to return the same energy and pulled back from communicating, but it was as if he didn鈥檛 notice.
Wow, that must have hurt.
It did. I almost drove myself crazy trying to figure out why he completely switched up. I almost didn鈥檛 recognise my friend, who I had been so close to before the start of our relationship.
Did you talk to him about how you felt?
Yes, I did. At the end of January, after tolerating his laid-back attitude, I called him. I told him I was feeling alone in our relationship, and I felt he had changed towards me.
What did he say?
He brushed off my concerns. He claimed I was only feeling that way because I didn鈥檛 have a job to keep me busy. He said he had less time to talk because of the amount of work he was doing and asked me to be more patient with him.
How did you react to that?
I was surprised because he鈥檇 had a remote job since 2019, and that didn鈥檛 affect our friendship before we started dating. Regardless, I promised to be more understanding, and he promised to be more present.
Did things change for the better after that?
No. It was like there was an invisible wall I couldn鈥檛 explain between us. Things between us came to a head on Valentine鈥檚 Day.
What happened?
He didn鈥檛 speak to me at all on Valentine鈥檚 Day. I sent him several heartfelt messages, voice notes and left him missed calls, but he didn鈥檛 respond to any of them.
Ah! Did he explain why?
When I didn鈥檛 hear anything from him on the day, I stopped messaging him entirely. Valentine鈥檚 fell on a Sunday that year. He didn鈥檛 reach out to me till Tuesday.
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Two whole days? That鈥檚 wild.
Exactly! He called me and apologised for missing Valentine鈥檚 Day, saying he was 鈥渂usy鈥 with 鈥渟tuff鈥 and couldn鈥檛 talk. That was his entire explanation. I tried to ask him for more information, but he didn鈥檛 say anything more. I got the ick so fast.
Omo. What did you say to that?
I told him that he could also forget he had a girlfriend because I was breaking up with him. I hung up and blocked him. I couldn鈥檛 wrap my head around him treating me like that. He, more than other people, knew how my last relationship had treated me.
I love how you stood on business. Did he ever try to reach out to you after that?
Yes, our mutual friend reached out to me the next day. He said George told him we鈥檇 fought and needed his help settling it. I told him we didn鈥檛 have a fight 鈥 I had broken up with him because of how he switched up on me after we became official.
What did your friend say?
He tried to make excuses for George鈥檚, saying that I 鈥渄idn鈥檛 know what it was like for men鈥. But I wasn鈥檛 willing to give him another chance to hurt me. If that was how he wanted to treat me after liking me for years, he could keep his feelings to himself.
How did you feel when you realised your relationship was over?
It was a painful realisation. I didn鈥檛 lose a romantic partner, I also lost one of my closest friends. I regretted moving our relationship past a platonic level. I wish we had just stayed friends.
Does this mean you don鈥檛 believe in the friends-to-lovers pathway?
Not anymore. I鈥檒l never mix friendship and romance ever again. It took me such a long time to even date other people again, let alone my friends. Any friend of mine should please get comfortable in the friendzone.
Do you think you and George can get back on the same page, platonically?
No, I hated the way he treated me, and though I have forgiven him, I don鈥檛 see us ever being as close as we were before we were an item. That ship has sailed.
