For many Nigerians, love doesn鈥檛 always end in fireworks. There are the undefined 鈥榳hat-ifs鈥 and almost-relationships. *Tochukwu (23) knows this feeling all too well. From a transactional first love to an undefined entanglement that left him guessing, dating has been anything but smooth.
He shares how his views on love have changed since then, and why he鈥檚 not seeking out love, for now.
What鈥檚 your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I鈥檓 single. Considering the chaos in the Nigerian dating space, I鈥檓 happy about it. People only want casual relationships these days.
When did you first find yourself 鈥渙n the streets,鈥 and what kicked things off?
I think we鈥檙e all on the streets by default until we find someone. But I got off the streets for a while when I reconnected with *Vera, a primary school friend, in 2019. We started dating a year later, but looking back, I should鈥檝e known we wouldn鈥檛 last.
What happened?
It started off as sweet, young love. We saw each other almost every day and went on many dates. She was thoughtful at times by always checking with me, and I genuinely loved her. But over time, she started comparing me to other people who spoiled their girlfriends and constantly complained about money. I was still a student, living on an allowance, but I planned most of our dates and paid for everything.
The moment that changed things for me was when my sister, who owns a pastry business, did a giveaway. Vera won, thanks to some help from me, but I was shocked when she asked me for money to get the item delivered. That鈥檚 when I started seeing the relationship differently. It felt purely transactional. Things ended shortly after. Even though we dated for less than a year, she was my first love. The breakup wasn鈥檛 easy, but it was draining my pockets, and I had to be logical.
A casual relationship with a coursemate helped me move on from Vera. Still, it didn鈥檛 go anywhere serious 鈥 she was already in a relationship, and I had to transfer schools when the ASUU strike happened.
Was that a connection you were really excited about?
No, it wasn鈥檛. It just happened, and I didn鈥檛 put my heart into it since she had a boyfriend. But there were two connections I actually wanted that didn鈥檛 work out.
One was with a close friend I caught feelings for. I told her, but she didn鈥檛 feel the same. The other was more recent; I met her at a rave. We danced, vibed, and she even asked me to take videos of her. But I didn鈥檛 get her number or name. I regretted it later, but I was still healing from the scars of my last situationship. I still think about her sometimes.
Can you talk about this 鈥渟ituationship鈥 that left you in a bad place?
I met *Tolu in my third year. She was missing some details from a course we took together, so I texted her on X. We started chatting daily and grew really close. We bonded over long walks around school and held hands. We eventually admitted our feelings
Not long after that, we had to leave school for our 6-month Industrial training. I travelled abroad for mine, while Tolu stayed in Lagos. We made it work despite the one-hour time difference. But a few months in, I noticed our communication dipped. She said work was stressful and made it hard to constantly keep in touch. Then there was this money issue. She asked me to send her money, and I got debited twice. She didn鈥檛 mention the second payment until I brought it up. I felt weird about that.
Things kept getting worse. I expected things to return to normal when I returned, but Tolu had a guy鈥檚 picture on her lock screen. She claimed a friend set it as a joke. I wanted to make things official, but she kept stalling, saying she wasn鈥檛 ready for the pressure that came with the label. So we stayed in this undefined grey area.
One day, I had to help her fix her laptop, and that was when I noticed her X account was still logged in. I didn鈥檛 check at first, but I took it as a sign when the laptop developed another fault. I went through her DMs and found conversations with an 鈥渆x鈥 she claimed she wasn鈥檛 talking to. They had planned meetups during the IT period. I also saw flirty DMs from other guys she didn鈥檛 shut down. I was hurt, but I still made excuses for her. I never even brought it up. I couldn鈥檛 hold her accountable for most of what she did because we hadn鈥檛 made it official.
I鈥檓 curious. Why didn鈥檛 you walk away at that point?
Unlike my first relationship, what I shared with Tolu didn鈥檛 feel transactional. She reciprocated in her own way, and I thought we had something worth fighting for. I was hopeful. I felt we had something worth fixing.
I also blamed myself for not defining things sooner. We were already so close that it felt like giving it a label wouldn鈥檛 change anything.
But then I found Tolu鈥檚 nudes saved to someone else鈥檚 Snap. I also saw a playlist titled 鈥淪ongs to Listen to When I Miss You鈥. In the cover photo, she hugged a guy I recognised from her office. The worst part? They were songs I鈥檇 sent her. I confronted her, but she just cried and said I had no right to go through her phone.
What finally ended the ship?
After school ended, I tried to plan a date, but she kept making excuses. Then I saw her post about a date with a guy she once described as 鈥渏ust a friend.鈥 He was some upcoming artist whose songs she had once begged me to stream. I blocked her everywhere.
She kept calling and texting. I eventually told her it was over, and then I blocked her for good. A mutual friend later told me she liked me at the start, but was using me as a rebound. That helped me let go completely after more than two years.
I鈥檓 sorry. Anything interesting happening with your love life these days?
Not really. I鈥檝e been for a year, and that鈥檚 long enough to realise that nobody wants to be accountable. It鈥檚 so easy to get discarded for the next 鈥渟hiny鈥 thing.聽
I also don鈥檛 approach women anymore 鈥 not just because of what I鈥檝e been through, but because my female friends have shared how uncomfortable they feel when random men approach them. So I stay careful.
Have you considered dating apps?
I used to think dating apps were for people desperate to find a relationship, especially in this part of the world where it鈥檚 not the norm. It鈥檚 a stereotype I鈥檓 still unlearning, but I鈥檝e never felt the need to try one.
Dating apps take away some of the spontaneity you get from real-life connections. I鈥檓 not open to them right now since I鈥檓 not feeling any pressure, but who knows? Maybe I鈥檒l give them a shot sometime in the future.
Right. Plan to leave the streets soon?
I think about leaving sometimes, especially when I run into couples at events. There鈥檚 something beautiful about watching people in love. But right now? I鈥檝e got bigger goals to focus on.聽 My master’s tops that list, and there鈥檚 work, too. They currently keep me occupied, and I think love can wait.
For how long?
Ideally, the next couple of years. Love tends to show up when you least expect it, so while I want to protect myself, I don鈥檛 want to shut out the possibility completely. I鈥檇 like to achieve my goals before putting myself out there again
Fair enough. What鈥檚 something that gives you hope about dating?
I鈥檓 still young, the right person will come when it鈥檚 time, and I鈥檒l be ready.
What鈥檚 one thing the streets are teaching you about love and partnership?
I鈥檓 learning to slow down and get to really know people before giving too much, not just emotionally but also in terms of time and expectations. Don鈥檛 dive in just because it feels good in the moment. I鈥檝e learned to look for alignment in values, emotional maturity, and how they handle pressure or uncertainty.
When I鈥檓 ready, I鈥檒l have a serious relationship in mind and expect the other person to have similar goals and temperaments. I think that鈥檚 where I clashed with my previous love interests. We just weren鈥檛 on the same page, and I ignored it.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Give it a rating on a scale of 1-10
8/10. I鈥檓 still meeting cool people when I want, so it鈥檚 not bad. The missing two points are for when I feel lonely.
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