Siblings are meant to be the closest people in your life, but what if you鈥檙e not lucky enough to have that? What if every attempt to build that bond falls flat?
That鈥檚 Demilade鈥檚* reality. He shares how years spent away at boarding school, the introduction of stepsiblings, and his mum鈥檚 attachment to him as the last born may have fractured his relationship with his brothers.
As told to Adeyinka
I’ve never related to people who call their siblings their best friends. With two older siblings and three steps, that’s never been my reality, and I鈥檓 not sure it ever will be.
Watching the twins and siblings on the recent BBNaija season made me wish I had that sort of bond. The way they stood up for each other, completed each other’s sentences and had fun together always got me thinking about my situation.
Our relationship wasn鈥檛 always this way鈥 There was a time when “best friends” could have described our relationship. What went wrong? It鈥檚 hard to pin down, but I鈥檒l try to explain.
My dad married two wives. The first wife has four kids while my mum, the second, has three. Both wives get along well, probably because they live in different locations. My dad also found a way to manage his time between them so things were fine on that front.
While the wives aren鈥檛 exactly best friends, they are cordial. My dad tried to get them closer but eventually accepted that things wouldn鈥檛 be as perfect as he wanted. However, he insisted we, the children, spend time together. He didn鈥檛 want the divide between the wives to affect us. He鈥檚 always going on and on about when they, the parents, are no longer here, we鈥檇 only have each other left.
Growing up, we spent holidays between both households. But I spent less time at my stepmother’s place. My mum was very attached to me as a child. Some say it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 the last born, and I鈥檝e come to accept that because no other reason makes sense. She would let my older siblings go, but I always stayed back with her. At first, I felt like I was missing out鈥攎y siblings would return with stories of all the exciting things they got up to with our stepsiblings鈥攂ut over time, I realised I enjoyed my time with my mum. My siblings realised it too and didn鈥檛 bother to ask if I was visiting our steps鈥 because they always knew what my response would be.
My dad didn鈥檛 like this. He and my mum argued a lot because he felt she was isolating me and making me soft by spending so much time with her.
As a way to get back at my mum, and maybe teach me a lesson, he sent me to boarding school, even though all my siblings, including my stepsiblings, attended day school. It caused a major fight between my parents, but my dad didn鈥檛 budge.
If spending time with my mum drove me away from my siblings, boarding school only made things worse. Whenever I came home, I always felt like a stranger. Because my siblings were older and in the university, there were long stretches where we didn鈥檛 see each other. The only time we were all together was mostly during public holidays, but even then, my brothers preferred spending time with our stepsiblings at the first wife鈥檚 house.
By the time I finished secondary school, I had become sort of grown into my own person, thanks to my boarding school experience. So, it didn鈥檛 bother me much that my siblings weren鈥檛 around because I鈥檇 gotten used to absence.
My parents never addressed this, and I suspect my mum wasn鈥檛 keen on the idea of spending so much time with my stepsiblings anyway, so she was more than fine having me stay back.
I gained admission in 2012 and the university only strained the relationship with my siblings further. I rarely saw them, except for uniform holidays.
During the ASUU strike that rocked 2013鈥攑robably one of the longest stretches we spent together鈥擨 began to wonder if we were really related.
Our interactions were cordial, but they just always felt so distant. I could have sworn I had friends in school who would have easily passed as my siblings if we ran along with the lie.
They鈥檇 give short responses whenever I tried to engage them and they didn鈥檛 really seem interested in any goings-on in my life.
At some point, I thought maybe it was the age gap since my eldest sibling is four years older than me and the immediate is three years older, but then I saw how they interacted with my stepsiblings, who are closer in age to me, and realised it wasn鈥檛 about the age. They just didn鈥檛 like me.
After we all returned to school when the strike was called off, I made up my mind to let things be. My mum didn鈥檛 have a great relationship with her own siblings, so I chalked it up to a family pattern.
Fast forward to present day, things still haven鈥檛 improved. In fact, they鈥檝e probably gotten worse now that we鈥檙e full grown adults who feel like we鈥檝e got our individual lives to care about.
But still, it鈥檚 hurtful to that I have siblings, yet I always feel so alone. On several occasions, I鈥檝e seen my siblings and stepsiblings hang out on social media, and I鈥檒l wonder, 鈥淲hen did this happen? Why wasn鈥檛 I included?鈥 Although, I鈥檒l admit that I hardly feel the need to ask鈥 It鈥檚 sort of like lobbying to be included where you aren鈥檛 wanted.
My mum has tried to step in. She鈥檚 had talks with my brothers, stressing the need to strengthen our bond first before bringing in our stepsiblings but they don鈥檛 see her point. They always say, 鈥淎s long as we share the same dad, we鈥檙e all one,鈥 so my mum tries not to push too hard.
I鈥檓 grateful for friends who鈥檝e become like family, but I still think about the situation with my siblings a lot. I worry about what will happen when our parents are no longer here. Will I be the sibling who鈥檚 cast aside by the rest of the family? Will my kids have cousins they can spend time with?
I鈥檝e tried talking to my siblings, but I鈥檓 not sure it鈥檚 helped. We鈥檒l get along for a while after our conversations, but then everything returns to the way it was.
I鈥檝e heard these things take time, so I鈥檒l keep trying.
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