When Adebola*, 36, got married, she thought she knew what marriage was supposed to look like. She had grown up watching her parents laugh, talk, dress alike and fiercely protect each other, so she expected to build something similar with her husband.
In this week鈥檚 Marriage Diaries, she shares how the reality of marriage hit her only months after the wedding, how having children affected her mental health and exposed cracks in her relationship, and why she chose to stay after experiencing physical violence and infidelity.
Got a marriage story to share? Please聽聽and we鈥檒l reach out.
My parents made marriage look easy
I always imagined marriage would be like a fairytale; eating together, laughing, having long conversations, raising children and just being in love. I knew there would be disagreements, but I never imagined they could reach the magnitude they did. My husband and I are both calm people, so I didn鈥檛 expect big arguments.
A lot of that expectation came from my parents. Growing up, I knew they were in love. They were always talking, laughing, eating together and going out. They even dressed alike. My dad would buy 鈥淗is and Hers鈥 watches or sunglasses for them, and if he wore a yellow shirt, my mum would wear a yellow blouse or a complementary colour.
He was also fiercely protective of her. He made sure nobody disrespected my mum, including elders in our family. Our home was warm and filled with laughter and love.
As I grew older, romantic movies reinforced that picture. So naturally, I thought marriage was meant to be like that.
A few months after our wedding, my husband and I had a disagreement that I hadn鈥檛 anticipated. My first instinct was to leave and go home. When he involved our mothers, I felt blamed instead of heard, and I started questioning whether I was ready for marriage.
I took a few days to cool off and reflect instead of reacting from anger. Eventually, we talked, and I chose to forgive and move forward. It taught me to pause before making major decisions.
I just didn鈥檛 know that was only the beginning of what marriage would teach me.
Having children changed everything
Nobody warned me how much having children could change a marriage. It affected my health, our finances, intimacy, communication and careers.
I had watched my aunties have children and continue working, so I didn鈥檛 understand how complicated it could become. Pregnancy caused me amnesia. I lost a huge chunk of my memory, which I鈥檓 only just beginning to regain, 10 years later, in bits and pieces.
I had my children via CS and suffered postpartum depression. Sometimes, I lost the zeal to live. It was a rollercoaster trying to be there for my children while also trying to stay sane myself, amid the fear of being stigmatised.
Eventually, I resigned from my job because of the mental pressure, which left me financially vulnerable for a while. My marriage struggled during that period and exposed a lot of cracks.
A few months after we had our second baby, we had an argument about baby food. My husband had gone out and forgotten to buy it. I was at home with a crying baby. After breastfeeding for hours, the baby eventually slept, but I was exhausted and highly irritable.
My husband returned late, and it was clear he had spent the evening drinking with friends at an event. I let my anger get the better of me, and it led to a brawl.
I received the beating of my life, after which he ran away from home. By morning, our compound was filled with immediate family members and church leaders who had come to beg me at his behest. But I was the one with the swollen face and black eyes.
I was taken to the hospital and treated. After that, I made a solemn promise to myself that it would never happen again.
We had to learn how to disagree
That experience changed how I handle disagreements now. When I鈥檓 upset, I either send my husband a message or wait until my initial anger has passed before talking to him. We鈥檝e been married for a long time now and have fewer disagreements. When we have reservations, we state them clearly, stick to the issue and avoid inciting remarks or attacking each other.
We are not enemies. It鈥檚 okay not to be in total agreement, and we allow each other the freedom to make our own decisions. Although my husband promised never to repeat what happened, the trauma still lives rent-free in my head.
I鈥檝e also had to understand that his calmness doesn鈥檛 necessarily mean he handles things the way I do. When we met, I found his quiet nature attractive. But I didn鈥檛 realise that he isn鈥檛 a strong communicator or as expressive or protective as I expected.
Verbal conversations can feel one-sided, and when there鈥檚 an issue, he can withdraw for days. Sometimes, it feels like emotional abandonment. I鈥檝e had to learn to give him space while also asking for what I want.
I鈥檝e also had to learn to stand up for myself with family members because of his tendency to ignore pressing matters or disrespectful remarks.
Marriage changed me too
For all the ways marriage changed my expectations, it also changed me.
I lost most of my childish innocence, but I gained so much more. I found my voice and learnt self-authorship. I got my career back on track, gained independence and developed more clarity about what I want. I also gained experiences that I now use to mentor young women and couples.
One of the biggest things I鈥檝e learnt is that love alone isn鈥檛 enough. Our different backgrounds and personalities clash, and sometimes hurt can overshadow love. Marriage requires more than feelings. That became even clearer when I had to decide what to do after discovering infidelity.
Staying didn鈥檛 mean losing myself
Choosing to stay in my marriage after finding out about infidelity was one of the most difficult compromises I鈥檝e made.
In the beginning, it didn鈥檛 feel worth it. But over the years, we鈥檝e set clear boundaries and terms for our marriage. I鈥檓 fiercely protective of myself, and I don鈥檛 live in ignorance.
We restructured how we handle finances and respect. Most importantly, I get to live on my terms. Staying hasn鈥檛 meant pretending everything is fine or abandoning myself. I鈥檝e learnt that I can choose to remain in my marriage while still having boundaries and making decisions for myself.
I wish I had taken more time to know myself
If I could go back, I鈥檇 tell my unmarried self to take her time getting to know herself. Marriage will introduce you to parts of yourself you didn鈥檛 know existed. You may think you know how you鈥檒l react to something until you鈥檙e actually in that situation.
I鈥檇 also advise people to get a wedding sponsor or mentor who can offer unbiased guidance. Your parents鈥 model won鈥檛 always work for you, and their advice can be emotionally influenced.
My parents gave me a beautiful picture of marriage, but I eventually learnt that their marriage could only be a reference point, not a blueprint for mine. And I think that鈥檚 why I no longer believe love is enough to sustain a marriage. Love is an emotion, and it fluctuates. Marriage needs intention, finances, intimacy, communication and respect. Without those things, the embers of love eventually go out.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
Got a marriage story to share? Please聽聽and we鈥檒l reach out.
