Adewale* (52) has been married for over two decades, but one of the defining themes of his marriage has been navigating his wife鈥檚 ever-changing relationship with religion. What started as a shared faith took unexpected turns over the years, forcing him to confront his beliefs, expectations and limits in ways he never imagined.
In this week鈥檚 Marriage Diaries, he talks about loving a partner whose spiritual journey has been anything but stable, and what it has taken to keep his home together through it all.
This is a look into his marriage diary.
I鈥檝e always believed love is in action, not words
I鈥檝e never seen myself as a romantic person, and I don鈥檛 think that has changed.
For me, love has always been about what you do. If I care about you, I鈥檒l make sure you鈥檙e comfortable, provided for and protected. All these things about saying sweet words or constantly expressing feelings don鈥檛 come naturally to me. It doesn鈥檛 mean I don鈥檛 care, it鈥檚 just not my way.
I remember a girl I dated in university. That relationship could have led to marriage, but she couldn鈥檛 deal with my nature. As a student, I was already giving her allowance and paying for her private hostel. To me, that was more than enough to show that I cared.
But she wanted something different. She complained that I didn鈥檛 say sweet things or baby her. She also liked being clingy in public, and I didn鈥檛 have patience for that. It used to irritate me.
When the relationship ended, my friends would tease me and say I鈥檇 struggle to find a woman because everything I disliked was exactly what women wanted.
But when I met my wife, I knew immediately that she was different. We understood each other without needing to over-explain things. We both show love through what we do, not just what we say, and that has worked for us for over 20 years.
I鈥檝e always seen marriage as a responsibility
Marriage, for me, was never about romance or fantasy. It was simply the next step in becoming a man.
My father used to say that the first step is leaving your parents鈥 house and taking care of yourself. The next is getting married and building your own family. That mindset stayed with me.
I met my wife through a family friend. She was ready for marriage; I was, too, and things moved naturally from there. It wasn鈥檛 about long courtship or overthinking things. We connected, understood what we both wanted, and decided to move forward.
If I鈥檓 being honest, my dad influenced me a lot. He was a strict man. Growing up, we couldn鈥檛 get too close to him or play around him the way some children do with their fathers. But despite that, he always showed up for us in the ways that mattered. He provided, he protected, and we never lacked anything.
He didn鈥檛 say much, but his actions spoke. That鈥檚 where I learned that actions carry more weight than words. Even now, I still believe that if you ask most women to choose between a man who talks sweet and a man who consistently shows up and handles his responsibilities, especially in this economy, the answer is clear.
My wife changing religion was something I never planned for
If there鈥檚 one thing marriage has taught me, it鈥檚 that you can鈥檛 control everything, no matter how prepared you think you are.
I鈥檓 a Muslim, and when I got married, my wife was also a Muslim. That was important to me because I grew up in a strictly Muslim home. My parents always made it clear that marrying within the religion was the right thing to do. So religion was never something I expected to deal with in marriage.
But after we had our first child, I started noticing small changes. She would miss her daily prayers and mention going for vigils with friends. At the time, I didn鈥檛 think too much about it. To me, she was still worshipping God.
Then one day, she told me she had decided to become a Christian. It wasn鈥檛 easy to hear. On top of that, she asked me not to tell any family members because she wanted to handle it in her own time. So I was carrying that information alone.
My first instinct was to reject it completely. But I could see how serious she was, and I knew forcing her would only create bigger problems.
So I made a decision. I told her she was free to practise whatever religion she wanted, but the children would remain Muslims. At the time, that felt like the only way to keep the peace.
I had to accept that I can鈥檛 control my family鈥檚 choices
Even with that agreement, things didn鈥檛 stay as simple as I hoped. All our children were raised as Muslims, but when our first child got to university, she decided to become a Christian as well. Of course, I wasn鈥檛 happy. I wanted to correct it and do something. But I had to face reality. She was no longer a child. She had her own mind and could make her own decisions.
At that point, I realised something important. Even if you set rules in your home, you cannot control people forever.
The truth is, their mother has moved between Islam and Christianity more than once. So the children have seen different things growing up. When they鈥檝e been exposed to that, you can鈥檛 be surprised if they make their own choices later.
Now, the other two are still Muslims, but I鈥檓 not deceiving myself. If they decide tomorrow to follow a different path, there鈥檚 only so much I can do. That realisation didn鈥檛 come easily, but it has helped me become calmer about things I can鈥檛 control.
Religion has caused some of our biggest arguments
Religion didn鈥檛 just change in our home; it also caused serious arguments between my wife and me. We see things differently.
When challenges happen, I tend to accept them as the will of God. I believe you do your best and leave the rest. My wife is the opposite. She believes life is a battle and you must always be actively doing something. She鈥檚 always looking for solutions, spiritual or otherwise.
There was a time she would bring different things for the children, ointments, prayers, all sorts of things meant to 鈥減rotect鈥 or 鈥渉elp鈥 them. I remember when our first child was preparing for junior WAEC, and she brought something for memory. I was very angry. I threw it away immediately, even though it came from an Islamic cleric.
We鈥檝e had many arguments like that. But over time, I鈥檝e changed how I respond. I鈥檝e become calmer. I鈥檝e learned that reacting to everything only creates more tension. Now, I focus on what truly matters and let some things go, especially when I know her intentions are good. She鈥檚 just trying to protect her family in the way she understands.
Marriage has made me more tolerant than I ever expected
If there鈥檚 one thing marriage has changed about me, it鈥檚 my level of tolerance. I鈥檝e become more patient than I ever thought I could be.
There was even a time my wife said she was returning to Islam. I was genuinely happy. She became serious about it, and I even considered sponsoring her for Hajj, but I couldn鈥檛 afford it at the time. Then, after about two years, she changed again.
At some point, even family and friends started noticing. It鈥檚 not something you can hide. One day she鈥檚 fully practising Islam, the next she鈥檚 in church again.
Before marriage, I don鈥檛 think I would have been able to handle something like that. But now, I鈥檝e learned to take things as they come. I鈥檝e chosen to focus on keeping my home together rather than fighting battles that won鈥檛 change anything.
So yes, marriage has made me more tolerant. These days, fewer things get to me. I鈥檝e learned that worrying or getting angry won鈥檛 always change the situation.
Love alone is not enough to keep a marriage going
I believe love has its place in marriage, but it can鈥檛 stand on its own. As a man, you can鈥檛 rely on love alone. You need commitment, patience, communication, and the ability to provide and protect your family. If those things are missing, love will not save the marriage.
Love is important, but it has to work together with other things. That鈥檚 what keeps a marriage going for years.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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