In the sixth episode of 91大神鈥檚 100 Nigerians: Anatomy of a Marriage, we asked married Nigerians how intimacy has changed over the course of their marriages.
From couples enjoying the best sex of their lives to those navigating mismatched libidos, ageing and health challenges, these stories reveal the many ways married Nigerians sustain intimacy through different seasons of life.
鈥淢y husband鈥檚 size has prevented sex鈥濃 Anita*, 30
My husband and I have been married for two years, and we鈥檝e still never had penetrative sex. We did everything else while dating, but every attempt after marriage was unbearably painful. We tried different positions, lubricants and exercises, but nothing worked. It took a toll on us because, even though we found other ways to be intimate, it still felt like something was missing. This year, my husband convinced me to see a doctor. He insisted the issue wasn鈥檛 his size because it wasn鈥檛 an issue in his previous relationships. I was diagnosed with vaginismus earlier this year and now use dilators, but penetration still hasn鈥檛 happened. Sometimes I wonder if I should let him sleep with someone else, though I鈥檝e never voiced it out.
鈥淲e have sex at least five times a week鈥 鈥 Ibidun*, 33
One of my favourite things about my husband is our sex life. I鈥檓 plus-sized, and past relationships made me feel like my body was something to tolerate. My husband is the complete opposite. He absolutely adores me, and I鈥檝e never once questioned whether he finds me attractive. We鈥檝e been married for three years, and we still have sex at least five times a week, sometimes more than once a day. It also never feels repetitive because we鈥檙e always trying something different. Beyond the sex itself, I love that he makes me feel desired. I spent years feeling self-conscious about my body. With him, I simply feel beautiful.
鈥淢y wife never makes the first move鈥 鈥 Tobi*, 38
I genuinely love my wife, but I鈥檝e never really enjoyed our sex life. She hardly ever initiates, doesn鈥檛 like giving or receiving oral sex, and isn鈥檛 interested in experimenting. She also takes a long time to get in the mood, and most times, she鈥檚 simply not interested. It was manageable when we were dating and during the first few years of marriage, but things changed after we had children. I鈥檝e brought it up so many times that I鈥檝e honestly stopped trying. I鈥檝e never cheated, and I don鈥檛 plan to, but I鈥檇 be lying if I said I had a fulfilling sex life. That鈥檚 the reality of my marriage.
鈥淚t鈥檚 not like the earlier days, but we鈥檙e still active鈥濃 Jumobi* 57
My husband and I have actually been enjoying sex more lately after we enrolled in an intimacy programme at church. It鈥檚 definitely not the same as when we were younger. Our bodies have changed, and there are moments that feel awkward or even a little embarrassing. But we鈥檝e learnt not to put ourselves under pressure. If we both feel like it, we go for it. If we don鈥檛, that鈥檚 fine too. One thing we鈥檝e never stopped doing is showering together. Sometimes that鈥檚 all that happens, but it鈥檚 become our little ritual. We tease each other, laugh, talk and enjoy being close. At this stage of our marriage, intimacy is more about staying connected.
鈥淲e鈥檝e replaced intimacy with companionship鈥 鈥 Ajara*, 58
My husband and I have been married for 24 years, and we barely have sex anymore. It鈥檚 not because we don鈥檛 love each other. If anything, we鈥檙e probably closer now than we鈥檝e ever been. We still hug, kiss and genuinely enjoy each other鈥檚 company. I just think I鈥檝e outgrown that part of marriage. My husband still tries to initiate sometimes, but my body doesn鈥檛 respond the way it used to. I no longer crave sex, and I鈥檝e made peace with that. I think intimacy is something we enjoyed best when we were much younger. These days, companionship means much more to me.
鈥淢y wife thinks sex isn鈥檛 important鈥 鈥 Ahmed*, 39
Sex with my wife always feels like a struggle. Almost every time I initiate, she鈥檚 too tired or not in the mood. After years of hearing the same response, I jokingly told her maybe I should satisfy myself elsewhere. She didn鈥檛 even react. That hurt more than I expected because it made me feel like the intimate part of our marriage didn鈥檛 matter to her at all. She always says there are more important things to worry about than sex. I鈥檝e never cheated and don鈥檛 intend to, but I鈥檝e resorted to masturbating while married. I honestly never imagined my marriage would look like this.
鈥淲e started enjoying sex in our third year鈥 鈥 Zinat*, 33
The first few years of my marriage were painful because my husband is quite big, and I always struggled with dryness. I tried everything people recommended, from changing my diet to using different kayamata products, but nothing worked. Everyone kept telling me the only way my body would adjust was to keep trying, so I endured it. Every time we had sex felt like torture, even though my husband was always concerned and asked if we should stop. I kept telling him to continue. Things finally improved around our third year of marriage after we had our child. I still feel some pressure at first, but my body has become much more accepting of his size.
鈥淢y wife matches my libido鈥 鈥 Habeeb*, 35
I genuinely don鈥檛 relate when married men complain about being sexually starved. My wife and I have been married for six years, and our sex life has been beautiful from the start. She hardly ever turns me down. In fact, I can count the number of times she鈥檚 rejected my advances. It didn鈥檛 happen by accident either. When I was dating, I knew libido compatibility mattered to me, so I was intentional about marrying someone who matched my energy. Six years later, nothing has changed. We still enjoy each other, and intimacy has never felt like a point of conflict in our marriage.
鈥淪ex is the last thing on my mind鈥 鈥 Tolu*, 33
We鈥檙e currently in a dry spell, and honestly, it鈥檚 because of me. Since having our baby, I just haven鈥檛 felt like myself. I鈥檓 insecure about how my body looks now, and the thought of sex makes me feel uncomfortable. My husband has been incredibly patient through it all. I鈥檝e caught him masturbating a few times, and for a second, I wanted to be upset. But then I realised I can鈥檛 expect him to completely shut that part of himself down when I鈥檓 the one pulling away. As long as he鈥檚 not stepping outside the marriage, I understand. I just hope I find that spark again because right now, I鈥檓 focused on healing and feeling like myself again.
鈥淥ur health has made sex a struggle鈥 鈥 Rasheedat*, 52
My husband and I have managed high blood pressure for years, and it鈥檚 changed our sex life completely. When we first got married, he never let me rest. Even after his diagnosis, he still had a healthy libido. But age, medication and eventually a stroke have taken their toll. There are times we go six months without even thinking about sex. At first, it was difficult because I kept hoping things would improve. Now, I鈥檝e accepted that this phase of our marriage is over. We still care deeply for each other, but we鈥檝e found other ways to express love beyond physical intimacy.
鈥淚 love oral sex, but my husband doesn鈥檛鈥 鈥 Grace*, 29
I鈥檇 say my husband and I have a decent sex life. The only thing I really miss is oral sex. I enjoy receiving it, and it used to be the quickest way for me to orgasm. My husband has tried, but I could tell he genuinely doesn鈥檛 enjoy it. Even though he never complained, I鈥檇 notice him going straight to the bathroom afterwards to rinse his mouth. I realised it wasn鈥檛 fair to keep expecting something that made him uncomfortable, so I stopped asking. It鈥檚 all about compromise. There are things he enjoys that I don鈥檛 too. For example, he likes using his fingers, and I absolutely don鈥檛. He鈥檚 respected that boundary, and we鈥檝e both learnt other ways to make sure we enjoy intimacy together.
鈥淲e鈥檙e still using condom鈥濃 Ibrahim*, 40
One thing I looked forward to before marriage was never having to use condoms again. Ironically, that鈥檚 exactly where we are after three children. My wife tried different birth control methods, but they just didn鈥檛 agree with her body. One made her gain weight, another affected her periods. It was always one side effect or another. We eventually agreed that condoms were the safest option until we found something that worked. Neither of us enjoys sex with protection, but we鈥檝e accepted it. In fact, these days, I鈥檓 usually the one insisting we use one. We tried the withdrawal method a few times, and that鈥檚 how our third child arrived.
鈥淪ex is no longer a priority for us鈥濃 Tawa*, 60
My husband has been bedridden for about three years now, so sex is no longer part of our marriage. Truthfully, I don鈥檛 even think about it anymore. I believe every season of marriage comes with its own priorities. Even before he became ill, my libido had already dropped significantly. He used to complain about it so much that he once mentioned it to our children. But since he fell sick, intimacy isn鈥檛 something either of us thinks about anymore. Instead, we鈥檝e found different ways to love each other through care, companionship and simply being present. I think many marriages eventually reach a stage where intimacy looks very different from what it did in the beginning.
鈥淪ex now feels like an item off a checklist鈥 鈥 Demola*, 44
I鈥檝e been married for 10 years, and sex has become more scheduled than spontaneous. At the beginning of our marriage, it happened all the time. Now, we鈥檙e lucky if it鈥檚 once or twice a month, and I鈥檓 almost always the one initiating. My wife just doesn鈥檛 seem interested anymore. Since she became more involved in church, there鈥檚 always something. She鈥檚 fasting, on a prayer programme or avoiding what she calls impurity. We used to argue about it, but I eventually got tired. These days, when we do have sex, it feels less like something we both want and more like we鈥檙e ticking another item off the marriage checklist.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
