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Not everybody knows how to communicate when they’re hurt. We asked non-confrontational Nigerians about the ways they dodged conflict rather than address it directly. Here’s what they said.

“I waited for my friend to tell me she got married” — Bambi*, 26, F

“A close childhood friend got married in secret last year. I found out months later through some gossip. Meanwhile, throughout that time, we still hung out often and spent time together, but she never mentioned her marriage.

I gave it some time after I found out, hoping she’d tell me about it, but she didn’t. We started drifting apart because I couldn’t stand seeing her and not raising the issue, but I didn’t want to outrightly confront her about it. Her anniversary came around, and I didn’t say anything about it. She asked me why I didn’t post her, and I asked if she had told me she was married. I got no response, and there has been radio silence between us ever since.”

“I stopped sharing personal things with my friend” — Daniel*, 35, M

“A few years back, my friend made a joke about my finances in front of a group of people during a hangout. Everyone laughed, and I laughed too, but I was deeply embarrassed because at the time, I was the lowest earner in the group.

I didn’t say anything that day because I hate conflict and didn’t want to make the atmosphere uncomfortable. But after that, I stopped telling him personal things. We’re still friends, but there’s definitely a lot more distance between us.” 

“I got sick, but she didn’t help” — Naomi*, 23, F

Once on my way back from school, I fell terribly ill. I had to stop by our local shop to buy foodstuff for my roommate and me. By the time I got to the shop, I could barely hold my head up. I called my roommate to come and meet me at the shop and help carry the items since we lived close by. She refused, saying that she was too lazy to go outside. I ended up carrying everything back home by myself. That single incident made me realise the kind of person she was.

However, I acted like I wasn’t upset and it never happened. I didn’t raise the issue, I just kept my distance, and she did the same.”

“I’ll never lend him money again” —Vivian*, 30, F

“One of my closest friends owed me money for more than a year. Anytime I thought about bringing it up, I’d start overthinking and convincing myself I’d sound desperate or annoying. So I kept quiet and hoped he’d remember on his own, but he didn’t mention the money at all. I began to resent it.  

I noticed that resentment kept building until every time he posted himself eating out or buying new clothes, I’d get angry. Eventually, I muted him everywhere because seeing his posts irritated me too much. Till today, I haven’t asked for the money, but I know that’s the last time he’ll see a dime from me.” 

“I started hiding my food” — Mide*, 28, M

“My flatmate finished the rice and turkey pack I’d kept in the fridge one night and then still had the audacity to ask me afterwards if I was saving it for later. I was so shocked, but I just laughed and said, ‘No problem,’ even though that food was the only thing I was looking forward to after work that day.

Because I hate confrontation, I didn’t say anything about it. Instead, I started hiding my food like a criminal. I would wrap my takeaway packs with moin moin leaves or in a black nylon before leaving them in the fridge. One day, he asked me jokingly why I kept all my food in black nylons. I lied and told him that it keeps food fresher for longer. Now I have to find a new way to hide my food.” 

“My sister-in-law and I stopped speaking over a naming ceremony” — Bose*, 51, F

“My sister-in-law and I stopped speaking for almost a year because of a naming ceremony. I travelled from Ibadan to Lagos for my niece’s naming ceremony and realised I wasn’t even included in anything despite our closeness. I had asked her earlier if I could help with anything, and she said not to worry. Meanwhile, other relatives were given aso-ebi and responsibilities, but no one informed me of anything.

I felt deeply hurt, but instead of asking her about it, I just stayed quiet throughout the event and returned home immediately afterwards. From that day, I stopped calling her often. She later confronted me about becoming distant, and I simply said I’d been busy. It wasn’t until the baby’s first birthday came around that we became cordial again. We never actually discussed what happened, though.” 

“I stopped greeting my neighbour” — Femi*, 45, M

“I have a neighbour who constantly parks behind my car despite several indirect hints. I’d complain to my wife inside the house, but never confronted him directly because I wanted to avoid quarrels in the compound. One morning, I was already late for work and couldn’t drive out because his car blocked the entrance again.

That day, I became extremely angry. He apologised later, and I said it was fine. But after that, I stopped greeting him and avoided conversations with him entirely.”

“I had to take on extra work” — Aisha*, 22, F

“During a group project at school, one member consistently submitted their part of the work late, which was holding the whole group back. Instead of confronting her directly, I silently took on her work. I was afraid of calling her out, and I didn’t want to seem harsh. We completed the project successfully, but I was stressed and built up a lot of anger because she didn’t pull her weight. She doesn’t know, but that’s the reason I don’t talk to her anymore.”

“I brought up an old issue months later and lost the friendship” — Jacob*, 23, M

“In October last year, I was supposed to meet up with a new friend for the second time. Things didn’t work out, and she called to tell me she wouldn’t be able to make it. Unfortunately, this update came two hours after I’d already been at the location waiting for her.

She gave a shallow apology, and I said everything was okay even though I was still upset. We grew a little distant because of this. A few months later, I tried to reconnect with her and opened up about how I felt about that situation. I thought talking about it several months after it happened would help me get it off my chest and not make her feel defensive, but it totally backfired. She just looked at me like I was crazy for ‘keeping malice’ for so long. We don’t talk anymore.

“I stopped lending my cousin my things” — Chika*, 28, F

“My cousin borrowed one of my wigs for a wedding and returned it in terrible condition, with the lace torn. I was upset because that wig was expensive, but I couldn’t bring myself to confront her. Instead, I laughed it off when she returned it with her apologies and said, ‘No worries.’
After that, I stopped lending her my things and became protective of my belongings around her. She probably thinks I’m stingy now, but honestly, I was just avoiding the awkwardness of telling her off for damaging my stuff.

“I resigned instead of complaining” — Ifeanyi*, 29, M

“At my previous job, my manager would constantly dump extra tasks on me because she knew I wouldn’t complain. Meanwhile, other people in the office openly pushed back when they were overwhelmed. I kept accepting everything because I didn’t want to seem difficult.

Over time, I became exhausted and bitter. The annoying part is that nobody even realised I was angry because I kept smiling through it. I eventually resigned, and during my exit interview, that was the first time anyone heard how frustrated I’d been.”

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