Josephine*(28) has been dating Ayomide*(30) for a year and a half. What started as an ordinary relationship took an unexpected turn when she realised he liked her better when she was angry.
She explains how an argument over burnt food exposed his preference, how they turned her temper into part of their relationship dynamic and the rules they’ve set to make sure it doesn’t go too far.
This is Josephine’s story, as shared with Betty
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. He’s kind, sweet, quiet and very attentive. If you met us, you’d probably assume I was the difficult one because he’s so easy-going. I didn’t know he actually liked me that way until our first argument. That day, while cooking at his place, I asked him to remind me to check the food while I focused on other chores. But he forgot, and by the time I remembered, the food had burnt.
I was furious. I yelled at him and went on about how he had just one job and still managed to mess it up. I expected him to be upset or at least give me space, but he became even gentler and more attentive. Shortly after, we had intense make-up sex.
At first, I thought I’d stumbled into a lucky reaction. I felt terrible about losing my temper, so I spent the next few weeks trying to make it up to him. I cooked, texted him every morning and even bought a game for his console. He appreciated everything, but his reactions felt surprisingly flat.
That started to frustrate me because I wasn’t getting the reaction I expected.
I only understood what was happening when I went to his place one day, already irritated and picked a fight with him. The more worked up I became, the happier he looked. At one point, I stopped mid-rant and asked why he was smiling. I thought he was mocking me, so I tried to leave. But he stopped me, and we finally had a conversation.
He admitted that he loved it when I lost my temper. He claimed it “ignited something” in him. He loved how caring I was, but he was also drawn to the version of me that came out when I was annoyed. In conclusion, he wanted us to explore dominance play.
I had some reservations, but I still decided to test his theory.
The next time I was at his place, I skipped the polite request and told him, “I’m thirsty, get me some water.” He jumped up immediately and did as he was told. That was when I knew he wasn’t joking.
After that, I started experimenting with it. If I want something from the kitchen, I tell him to get it. If we’re going somewhere and he’s taking too long to get ready, I rush him. Sometimes, when he’s teasing me, I tell him to shut up or leave me alone, and he smiles. Somehow, the more attitude I give him, the more affectionate he becomes.
It’s now one of our secret relationship dynamics. Sometimes, I’ll ask him nicely to do something, and he’ll deliberately take his time. The minute I raise my voice or snap at him, he suddenly moves more quickly.
I find his reaction hilarious, but it has done wonders for us in the bedroom.
The funny thing is that being mean or dominant doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m actually a very soft person. I grew up believing that women had to be softer and kinder to make a relationship work, and I haven’t completely unlearned that.
Sometimes I’ll be cuddling him or saying something sweet, and he’ll jokingly ask why I’m being nice. I always tell him he has problems.
Still, there’s a difference between playing into something he enjoys and genuinely treating him badly. I don’t insult things I know he’s insecure about, embarrass him in front of other people or deliberately hurt his feelings. And when we’re having a serious disagreement, I don’t want his enjoyment of my temper to become an excuse for me to shout instead of communicating.
We’ve spoken about those boundaries because I never want to get to a point where I can say anything I want and justify it with, “But you like it when I’m mean to you.”
Our relationship has actually made me more comfortable with myself. I’m more assertive even outside the relationship. Before him, I thought I always had to be the soft, sweet babe. Now, if someone or something irritates me, I don’t feel like I have to swallow it just to seem nice.
Sometimes, though, I wonder whether I should be concerned that my boyfriend seems happiest when I’m terrorising him. But he’s a grown man. He knows what he likes, and apparently, he likes me giving him problems. I’m happy to oblige.
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