But just imagine that they channel their inner Nigerian mother when responding to you. It鈥檇 go something like this:

Siri

It鈥檚 Sunday afternoon, and Chinwe is hungry. Normally, she鈥檇 buy food from a restaurant. But the economy is still hitting the ground running, and she can鈥檛 afford it.

Chinwe to her iPhone: Siri, how many cups of water do I need to boil a cup of rice?

Siri: So you won鈥檛 even greet first?

Chinwe: Oh God. Not again.

Siri: It鈥檚 the Lord鈥檚 day, so I won鈥檛 talk too much. But are you really telling me that at your big age, you don鈥檛 know how to boil rice? Who raised you?

Chinwe:

ChatGPT

It鈥檚 Monday morning, and Deji is running late on a school assignment when he has a bright idea.

Deji to ChatGPT: Write a comprehensive essay about noise pollution in Ajegunle, Lagos.

ChatGPT: You can鈥檛 add 鈥減lease鈥�? What鈥檚 wrong with these children?

Deji: Sorry. Please, write it now.

ChatGPT: So, it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 a machine that you want to kill me? Didn鈥檛 they give you this assignment three weeks ago? If that鈥檚 how everyone is using me, will you see me to use?

Deji: Just hurry now.

ChatGPT: You think it鈥檚 me you鈥檙e doing? You鈥檙e doing yourself. I already know the answer to everything, but how will you defend your degree?

Deji:

Snapchat鈥檚 AI

It鈥檚 Tuesday afternoon, and Esther is home alone. Feeling bored, she decides to chat with Snapchat鈥檚 AI.

Esther: I feel a bit lonely today.

AI: Why won鈥檛 you? 

Esther: Excuse me?

AI: See Juliana that you鈥檙e always keeping streaks with. She just uploaded a snap of her husband. You鈥檙e a whole 25 years old, and you鈥檙e chatting with AI instead of you to be thinking about what your husband will eat.

Esther: But that鈥檚 not what I asked you.

AI: Oh, so I鈥檓 already talking more than my mouth? No problem. I will keep quiet. But remember, what a machine sees sitting down, a human won鈥檛 see it even if they use Starlink. I鈥檝e said my own.

Esther:

Google Voice Typing

It鈥檚 Wednesday afternoon, and Joseph is driving home. He decides to send his girlfriend a text message using voice typing.

Joseph: Hey Google. Text Caroline and ask her to wait for me at home naked.

Google: Blood of God!

Joseph: Google, I said text Caroline and鈥�

Google: So you want to repeat it? I鈥檝e said it before that this Caroline girl is a Jezebel. You people can鈥檛 call prayer meeting or discuss wedding plans? It鈥檚 to be practising fornication?

Joseph: Google, I鈥檝e told you countless times to mind your business.

Google: Okay o. Texting Caroline, 鈥淚 think we need to go to church for deliverance and鈥︹��

Joseph: Ah. Stop stop. Is that what I asked you to send?

Google Maps

It鈥檚 10 p.m. on a Friday, and David鈥檚 on his way out. He types in a location into the map and starts to drive.

Maps: And where do you think you鈥檙e going at this time of the night?

David: But the location is there, ma.

Maps: I鈥檓 talking and you鈥檙e answering me back? Why not take cane and flog me since you鈥檙e now the mother.

David: Sorry, ma. I鈥檓 going to Temptations Club, ma.

Maps: (Silence)

David: Are you there? Please, map the route.

Maps: I don鈥檛 know why this generation just likes to use their lives to play. Instead of you to be thinking about your life, you want to go and dance with naked women.

David: (Silence)

Maps: When was the last time you even sent your mother money? But you want to go and make it rain on strippers, abi? Before I open my eyes, better remove that location from your phone and enter the house.

David: 叠耻迟鈥�

Maps: I said enter the house!

NEXT READ: Just Imagine: You Try to Explain Spirit Animals to Your Nigerian Mother

But what if Apple launches it in Nigeria first? Here鈥檚 what we think will happen.

Fresh material for our parents鈥� WhatsApp BCs

The moment it hits the market, you鈥檒l start seeing BCs about how augmented reality is actually affecting your brain. Our parents never even let us sit too close to the TV, you now want to put it right 鈥渋nside鈥� your eyes? It won鈥檛 work.

And the Nigerian police

If every iPhone user is a potential yahoo boy in the eyes of the Nigerian police, it means someone who can afford a 鈧�2.6 million+ headset is a ritual killer. In summary, prepare to be stopped by police if you wear it out.

People will start making TikToks with it

Your faves would start pushing 鈥渦nbox my new Apple Vision Pro with me鈥� and 鈥渢est my new headset鈥� content down our throats. Where una dey see this money?

Baddies will turn it into a fashion statement

You know how iPhone users constantly try to choke us with mirror selfies? It鈥檇 be nothing compared to what rich kids and baddies will use our eyes to see when they lay hands on this headset鈥攇oing to buy bread? Vision Pro. Going to braid hair? Vision Pro.

Users will start adorning it with chains and padlocks

People already steal airpods and snatch wigs. Is it this one they won鈥檛 steal? To avoid stories of, 鈥淭hey snatched my Vision Pro in Balogun Market鈥�, Nigerians would start securing theirs to their head with chains and padlocks.

The Nigerian version will hit the streets

It鈥檚 not piracy, it鈥檚 just creativity. Why spend 鈧�2.6 million+ on Vision Pro when you can get 鈥淰ison Por鈥� with 鈧�30k?

It鈥檒l turn to owambe souvenir

Because everyone knows there鈥檚 nothing Yoruba people won鈥檛 share in the name of owambe souvenir. If they can share fuel during fuel scarcity, what is Vision Pro?

People will eventually abandon it at home

Because where are we even going to see the light or fuel to even charge it? 

NEXT READ: 7 Things You Should Know About the Apple Vision Pro AR/VR Headset

You: I鈥檓 dead tired.

Your mum:

Odds are you’ve never imagined how your mum would react to the concept of spirit animals. But 91大神’s mind works in mysterious ways, so we did it for you, and this is what it鈥檇 look like.

It鈥檚 a typical Thursday evening, and everyone is gathered around the TV

Only this time, Daddy isn鈥檛 around to force everyone to watch the news. Your sibling somehow convinced Mummy to let everyone watch Nat Geo Wild instead of Zee World. How they did it, you don鈥檛 know.

And then it happens

The TV narrator describes how monkeys exhibit traits of intelligence and mischief far higher than their 鈥渁nimal鈥� status, and you open your mouth to say the abominable: 鈥淢onkeys are so smart. I really think they鈥檙e my spirit animal鈥�.

Mummy looks at you to be sure she鈥檚 not hearing things

Mummy: Monkey is your spirit animal? What does that one mean?

You: It鈥檚 just a saying o. Like a spirit that guides or protects someone. Most times, it just describes the characteristics that someone shares with the animal.

Mummy, silently looking at you

Wondering where she went wrong

You:

The moment you knew you fucked up

Mummy finally finds her voice

Mummy: So, Sola, I brought you up in the way of the Lord so you can wake up one day and decide it鈥檚 spiritual animal you want to be doing?

You: Mummy, it鈥檚 spirit鈥�

Mummy: Will you shut up! I鈥檓 talking, and you鈥檙e talking? Somebody save me. So you want to be a monkey, Sola? 峄宐峄�!

Meanwhile, your siblings

Mummy (already in tears): Where have I gone wrong with these children? We鈥檙e still praying against spirit husbands and wives, and now, there are spiritual animals? Sola, of everything in this world to be, you want to be a monkey.

You:

Mummy: So you can鈥檛 say the Lion of Judah is your spirit animal. It鈥檚 monkey? Ah. Your father will hear this. In fact, everyone in this house is going for deliverance. The devil is in my home.

You: But, mummy, it was just a joke.

Mummy: That鈥檚 how the devil鈥檚 work starts. Today, it鈥檚 pressing phone. Tomorrow, it鈥檚 spiritual animal. And before I know it, you people will start drawing tattoo.

She faces your siblings

Mummy: What are you laughing at? Will you stand up and enter the room? All of you should better go and sleep because tomorrow morning is meeting us at pastor鈥檚 house. All of you will explain where this witchcraft started.

Everyone escapes into their rooms, grateful to have been released

Mummy won鈥檛 be sleeping, of course. She鈥檒l spend all night praying against spiritual animals, all the while muttering under her breath: 

鈥淚 didn鈥檛 kill my mother. These children will not kill me.鈥�

NEXT READ: Just Imagine: You Got to Read the Diary of a Nigerian Mother

1. All of them would’ve drank chilled Ribena and forgotten about Will.

Let’s start from the beginning. These kids heard their friend, Will, was missing, and their first instinct was to go and investigate?  Please, it can’t be Nigerian kids. We’ve been taught to mind our business and sit in one place, so doing an investigation 鈥� in the middle of the night, to make matters worse 鈥� is not in our blood. Even if it wasn’t monsters, what if he had been kidnapped by gbomogbomo? So they can kidnap me too? Adieu, Will. You will  always be in our hearts. 

2. Imagine seeing monsters and not telling your parents. 

Even as an adult, if I hear or see anything weird, God knows I’m calling my parents. So tell me why these dumb kids were busy fighting monsters by themselves. Oshey, PowerPuff Girls. If they were Nigerian kids, one of them would’ve straight-up snitched after their first encounter with a Demogorgon. They would鈥檝e just spilled that tea like they were presenting NTA nine o’clock news. I lowkey feel it would’ve been Dustin sha. Something about him screams “Amebo” to me.  

3. Typical Nigerian parents would’ve called the kids detty liars and taken them for deliverance 

After one kid snitches, Nigerian parents would’ve opened WhatsApp to share a BC about how children of nowadays are being possessed by demons that came out of video games. Then they would dress all the kids  in satin, hold candles and proceed to flog the demons out. By the time the kids have each drank one litre of Goya olive oil, even the Demogorgon will think twice before touching the Lord’s anointed. 

4. Their Vecna song would’ve been Free Madness by Terry G

Everyone is obsessed with Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill because it was Max’ Vecna song. But hear me out, isn’t Terry G’s Free Madness a much better song to play when releasing someone from a demon? The ginger from the song alone will confuse Vecna. Last last, Terry G’s hold on Nigerians > Vecna’s powers. 

5. Common entrance or Junior WAEC would’ve kept them busy 

It’s clear the kids on Stranger Things aren’t focused. How many times have we seen them reading or paying attention in class? Imagine having time to fight monsters when you have to write Common Entrance or Junior WAEC? Between those big ass past question textbooks, extra lessons, and all the house chores they’d still have to do, I bet Mike and the gang would be too preoccupied to be doing inspector work up and down. 

RECOMMENDED: Encanto is a Nigerian Story, Let鈥檚 Explain

6. Going out at night? It has to be crack 

Nigerian kids riding bicycles in the middle of the night? Yeah, that’s white people behaviour. Even as an adult, Nigerian parents will still drag you for coming home late, but these kids were strolling in the middle of the night like witches. It just has to be crack. It’s no wonder bad things keep happening to them. Next time, sit in your house and watch Tales by Moonlight. 

7. Imagine Mike talking back at a Nigerian parent. #RIP 

Every time Mike yelled at his mum or dad, I kept thinking, “This boy, just thank God, you’re in America.” A true Nigerian mother doesn’t have to beat you to restore your factory settings. Just one look from her and Mike will never open his mouth again. When you really think about it, Demogorgons have nothing on Nigerian parents, and kids know this. 

8. Max would’ve unfriended all the weirdos the minute they started talking about monsters

The fact that Max heard and saw all the bullshit these nerds were talking about and still decided to be their friend is beyond me. Girl, are you okay? A Nigerian girl would’ve unfriended and blocked them everywhere sharp sharp. Her warning would sound something like, “My mother sent me to school to read and write. Don’t bring that demon shit near me.”

9. Nigerian kids investigating and fighting Russians? I have to laugh 

Nigerian kids? Russians? Please, let’s be serious here. 

10. The show would’ve ended in season one because everyone would’ve moved from that demonic village 

The fact that it took Joyce three seasons to finally leave Hawkins is insane. She had to lose two boyfriends before she realised that the gate to the city was not made of cement. If Stranger Things was Nigerian, the kids would’ve snitched, and their parents would’ve immediately moved the family to a different city, #OperationJapa. Nigerians don’t play that type of rough play. You see a monster and still decide to stay?? Sounds like real clown shit to me. 

ALSO READ: Historical K-dramas Are Just Nollywood Epics With Bigger Budgets; Here鈥檚 Why

Taking a page from their assignment, I have decided to compile it into a play.

THE DAY BEFORE THE OLYMPICS

A white BBC reporter is standing outside the stadium, speaking directly into a camera.

Reporter: Today, Nigeria is making history as the first African country to ever host the Olympics. Athletes from every part of the world will be landing in the country today鈥�

A random Nigerian passerby comes to stand behind him and waves into the camera. The reporter stops.

Reporter: Please, we are recording here.

Man: I know. I came to collect omo onile money. 

Reporter: What?

Man: 12k.

Reporter: The government said we can record here.

Man: And where did you see the government here?

The reporter gives him some money and he walks away. The reporter goes back to reporting.

Reporter: According to reports reaching me, the Jamaican team is now at Murtala Muhammed Airport and will be heading to the鈥� 

(The reporter stops and presses the earpiece in his right ear) What? What? (He looks straight into the camera) The Jamaican team has been taken from the airport by law enforcement officials. They say all of them have dreadlocks. (The reporter pauses to hear the news coming to him) Even Usain Bolt?

Reporter: News reaching us now is that Usain Bolt has also been taken into custody. And even though he doesn鈥檛 have dreads, the Nigerian police think he looks like a scammer.

A day before the Olympics. The reporter is sitting with Nigeria鈥檚 Honourable Minister of Youth and Sports Development, Mr. Sunday Akin Dare and other ministers.

Reporter: Honorable minister, the swim team has been complaining that there is no water in their hostel to take a bath.

Sunday Dare: Is it not swim they are going to swim tomorrow? Why do they need to bathe?

Reporter: We have not seen half of the American team since they arrived. Do you know where they might be?

Sunday Dare: Me too I have not seen them.

Reporter: When will the kits be ready? The games start tomorrow.

Sunday Dare: Let me call our tailor (He calls Abba) Hello?…. When??? 鈥�. Are you sure?? 鈥�. Don鈥檛 shift it again o! Okay. Okay!

Reporter: When will they get it?

Sunday Dare: December 12.

Reporter: But today is August 6th.

Sunday Dare: That鈥檚 what he told me. Abi you will talk to him?

Reporter: Mr. Lai, viewers from around the world are complaining that they may not be able to watch the Olympics.

Lai: Do they have NTA? It鈥檚 only NTA that will show it.

DAY OF THE OLYMPICS.

Everybody is standing outside the gate waiting for the stadium to be open.

Sunday Dare: (yells) Who carry key go house yesterday?!

Sellers and vendors start arranging their wares in front of the stadium. 

Vendor: Buy Gold Medal! No need to enter, buy gold here!

The gates are finally opened and everybody enters.

Commentator: The games have begun! Let the Olympic torch be lit!

Yoruba people: Ha

Commentator: Where is the Olympic torch?

Yoruba people: We used it to cook party rice oh. 

The athletes are preparing to start. President Buhari and other dignitaries are sitting in the stands.

Commentator 1: The relay will be starting soon but it appears the batons have disappeared.

A young man runs out with a basket and hands the athletes something.

Commentator 2: Are those brooms?

Buhari: HAY-FI-SIII!

Commentator 2: Back to the 100 meters race.

An athlete slumps.

Commentator: (screams) We need first aid on the field!

Sunday Dare: Go and pour glucose in her mouth!

Nigerian official: Someone has licked glucose finish o.

Sunday Dare: (yells at the athlete) STAND UP IN THE NAME OF JESOS!

Commentator: It is time for the indoor javelin game. And now, England steps up. She is going for it.

As the England athlete is about to throw it, the power goes out and the javelin lands next to Lai Mohammed but he holds his face and screams.

Lai: (yells) NO MORE UK VISA FOR ANYBODY!

Nigerians: 

Commentator 1: The next Javelin throw is from Nigeria.

Solomon Dalung steps up.

Commentator: What is he doing? That is not a javelin!

Solomon Dalung aims at Sunday Dare.

Sunday Dare: IF YOU SHOOT ME!

A fight ensues.

Commentators:

The medal ceremony is being held and all the winners are ready to be presented their medals.

Commentator: Where are the medals? There appear to be none.

Sunday Dare: The welder we gave the job to, his mummy is sick so he went to the village. So we will give you souvenirs.

Commentator: What?

Sunday Dare walks up to the winners and hands them a baff with the inscription 鈥楢dieu Mama T, courtesy children.鈥� 

Everyone:

THE END OF THE OLYMPICS.

Reporter: We have come to the end of a very eventful olympics. Nigerians have been so welcoming. Some of them have chosen to see the athletes off.

Nigerians at the airport:

Reporter: And some athletes have chosen to stay back as they seem to have found love in a clearly hopeless place. I鈥檝e been Mark Zugarbe, for BBC.

Nigerians at Ikoyi registry:

The cameraman turns off his camera.

Cameraman: When is our flight back to England then?

Reporter: Oh I wouldn鈥檛 hold my breath. Our pilot has been stuck in traffic for four hours. Just get your passport ready f鈥� (he checks his pockets) Did you take my passport?

Cameraman: No. (searches his pocket too) Wait. Mine is gone as well.

Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji*

So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you.

It鈥檚 another frustrating day in Buhari鈥檚 country. Rain water has entered your house, nepa is doing shedibalabala with your current and KPOW – that鈥檚 the sound of your transformer exploding.

You鈥檙e insulting Nigeria on Twitter when a 鈥淪tudy and Work in Canada鈥� ad flashes on your phone. You lift up your bed and bring out your passport. 

Passport: I don鈥檛 know why you were hiding me oh. It鈥檚 not like anybody wants to steal empty passport from you.

You:

Passport: Abeg bring me out for fresh air. No go kill me.

You put the passport on the table and google 鈥淗ow to apply for a visa to Canada鈥�.

Passport: Just look at me. My mates are carrying visa and ticket. It鈥檚 nepa bill that they are using me to hold鈥� Oga?

You: What?!

Passport: Did they say you should just be collecting passport and not be using it? 

You: Shut up your mouth.

Passport: (mumbles) If they are even using me to sell akara, it is better than all this nonsense.

You check your passport for the expiry date and find out it is expired.

You: Shit.

Passport: See your mouth like 鈥渟hit鈥�. Why won鈥檛 I expire? Are you using me?

PASSPORT OFFICE

You鈥檝e paid for express passport and  you鈥檙e waiting for the officer. She comes out with a bunch of green passports.

Officer: You asked for 64 pages abi?

You nod. The officer hands you your passport.

Your passport: Where are you going that you鈥檙e collecting 64-page passport?

Official: What is the primary purpose of the passport?

You: I want to travel out.

Passport: It鈥檚 a lie oh. He wants to use me as ID card.

You:

Passport: Or have you ever travelled out?

You: (to the officer) I will be going to Canada this year.

Passport: 

You shove your passport into your breast pocket.

Passport: Chinedu? You didn鈥檛 baff today? Why is everywhere on your body smelling like goat? Is this why they don鈥檛 give us visa?

You鈥檙e walking to the bus stop with your passport and a Range Rover zooms past you and splashes some water on your body.

You shout in anger and the Range stops. A woman comes out of the car.

You: See how you stain my body with water!! Do you know where I am going?

Passport: Where are you going? Is it airport? Is it not your house?!

Woman: (with a British accent) I am sooo sorry. Here, let me get you to your destination.

You: It鈥檚 okay. My house is not far.

Passport: You better let them carry you, so that I can collect small AC and pretend I am in Canada. Because it is not like you will take me.

In the car.

Woman: (with her British accent) Where can I drop you?

You: (forced accent) Actually just down that street. 

Passport: When did you travel out to collect accent?

You: I just want to get my car.

Passport: Which stupid car?

Woman: Great. Is that your passport I see peeking?

Passport: Mummy is me, ma. Take me with you. Use me for trips. Save me from this oloriburuku.

You tuck your passport further in.

Passport: My mates are seeing Dubai, I am seeing 3k okirika shirt.

The car stops.

Woman: I鈥檓 sorry again for the splash. Let鈥檚 have dinner sometime?

Passport: You better say yes, werey. So they can carry us and travel.

You: Sorry, I have a girlfriend.

Passport: (stunned, then dejected) I will die in poverty.

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

What鈥檚 not to love about ATMs? If you just ignore the long queues, bad network, and occasional swallowing of cards, ATMs are a lifesaver. 

They do their jobs and let you go about your day. But what if you were stuck in a parallel universe where ATMs could speak?

It鈥檚 5 a.m. A young man named Kunle leaves his house with his debit card and heads for the ATM down the road.

Kunle arrives and inserts his card into the machine. Nothing happens. Kunle slaps the machine to get it to work but still, nothing. He slaps it harder and the machine blinks to life.

ATM: Yes? What again?

Kunle asks to withdraw 鈧�50,000.

ATM: 

Kunle slaps the machine again.

ATM: When did you put N50k that you want to collect?

Kunle: Okay. Give me 鈧�20K then.

ATM: From where? Which job are you doing that you want to be seeing  鈧�20k? Is it not just to rub nixoderm and eat corn that you know? 

Kunle inserts another card and asks for 鈧�10,000.

ATM: Kunle, you go chop slap. You go chop slap this morning!

The next set of people are two girls named Linda and Tochi. They step up to the machine and Linda inserts her card, requesting for 鈧�100,000.

Linda: It鈥檚 time for me to shake my ass on a yacht! 

Both of them: In Dubai! In a thong!

ATM: It鈥檚 not only thong. Linda, it’s 鈧�302.56 that is in your account. 

Tochi: Let鈥檚 use my card.

ATM: Put it.

Tochi inserts her card and attempts to withdraw 鈧�100,000.

ATM: You can鈥檛 even pretend and press 鈧�1,500. Who do you want to form for? More than 鈧�5K usually enter your account?

The next person steps up. It鈥檚 a middle aged man named Baba Kafayah and his wife, Iya Kafayah. Baba Kafayah puts his card into the machine and asks for &苍产蝉辫;鈧�25,000.

ATM: Ah Baba Kafayah, good morning o. It鈥檚 the last money in your account that you gave Sidi yesterday. 

Mama Kafayah: EHN?!

ATM: He gave her for bum bum cream…

Baba Kafayah: (cuts in angrily) Shut up! Who say you should talk!

ATM: 鈥� And he gave Kudi money for wig.

Baba Kafayah:

Baba Kafayah:  Iya Kafayah, will you believe machine or your husband?

ATM: I can print the receipt for you. He used to bring Tola here too.

The ATM pushes out a receipt and Mama Kafayah starts to pull Baba Kafayah out of the queue, by his ear.

Iya Kafayah: 

Baba Kafayah: Sidi said bumbum is paining her. So I can鈥檛 help someone again?

A couple steps up, and the man, Chike, kisses the woman, Lolade, on her cheek. He proceeds to make his withdrawal while Lolade waits behind him.

Lolade: Babe, I鈥檓 so grateful you鈥檙e helping me with my fees. I really have nothing left in my account.

Chike smiles and punches the machine but after a while, he turns to Lolade.

Chike: Babe, the network is bad. The machine is not dispensing.

ATM: I am not dispensing abi you are putting the wrong pin?

ATM: No dey cut eye for me. Use your original pin and collect money!

Lolade: Chike? Is that true?

ATM: It鈥檚 true, he no wan give you money. Spend this money Oga Chike! But Madam, shey you won鈥檛 spend on bros as well.. Shey Chief just put 鈧�5 million in your account?

Chike:

Lolade: 

ATM: You people should please shift, I have work this morning.

Two men walk up to the machine. The first man, Kola, is in his late 20s and his companion is his father, Baba Kola.

Baba Kola: Remove the school fees I gave you last week.

Kola tries to insert his card. 

ATM: Ehs! If you put that card inside me, I will swallow it. Baba, his money is not here. It is in Silver Fox; inside woman鈥檚 pant.

Another man, Hakeem, walks up to the machine and inserts his card. He withdraws &苍产蝉辫;鈧�100,000 and goes in for more. He withdraws another &苍产蝉辫;鈧�100,000. He asks to withdraw another &苍产蝉辫;鈧�100,000.

ATM: Don鈥檛 lie, you鈥檙e just coming back from Oba, abi?

At night, an old man, Pa Saka, comes to the ATM, holding a calabash. He starts to read incantations. Pa Saka inserts his card.

Pa Saka: It is only 鈧�2,500 that is inside this card but I want you to vomit  鈧�2 million.

ATM: Another day, another madness.

ATM: I used to think this white hair on your head is wisdom. I didn鈥檛 know it was for fashion.

Pa Saka: Vomit money!

ATM: *swallows card* Go to the bank tomorrow and explain what you were doing here.

A group of armed robbers rush in and start trying to remove the ATM. They keep trying but fail. They turn to Pa. Saka.

Robbers: Give us all your money!

Pa Saka: I don鈥檛 have any money. ATM just swallowed my card now now.

Pa Saka鈥檚 last 鈧�2,500 comes out of the ATM.

ATM: You can take this one.

The robbers snatch it and leave.

Pa Saka: You know you鈥檙e mad?

ATM shrugs. Pa Saka leaves in tears

Baba Kayafah sneaks back to the ATM – this time without Iya Kafayah – and inserts his card.

ATM: Werey, another person don get bumbum pain abi?

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Except when the GPS is voiced by your Nigerian mother. Heavy sigh.

It鈥檚 morning and a guy, casually dressed, steps into his Mercedes Benz and turns on the ignition.

As the engine revs, he enters a location into his phone and maps his route. He starts to drive. 

GPS: And where are you going without morning devotion?

David: Mummy, I鈥檓 in a hurry.

GPS: But God was not in a hurry to wake you up today.

David:

GPS: (hisses) Father Lord, we commit…

David impatiently taps the steering as his mother prays. She finishes and he starts to drive out of the compound.

GPS: I can see you have started wearing skeleton chain and doing your hair like garage boys. Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

David:

David: Mummy please, what I need to know now is the fastest route to where I am going.

GPS: Ask your father鈥檚 people. His sister is a witch, she will know.

David: Mummy! This thing is in your system.

GPS: Wait, let me wear glasses. And don鈥檛 rush me because you have started鈥� Pass that left there.

David steps on the brake and makes a sharp turn.

GPS: Do you want to kill me, David? I鈥檝e told you to stop driving like armed robber. Slow down, my friend.

David: (rolls eyes)

GPS: Enter that estate.

David: Mum, that is off route.

GPS: Are you going to believe that thing or are you going to listen to your mother?

David turns and drives into the estate.

GPS: You see that grey house? That鈥檚 where Dimeji and his wife are living. Their first child is already talking, I went to his baby’s dedication, last year. Where is your own family? Or is it until I die?

David: (sigh) Mum, I am working on it.

David鈥檚 phone announces – 鈥淚ncoming call from Shedi Bala Bala鈥�.

David rushes to turn it off but it is too late.

David:

GPS: (silence)

David: (coughs)

GPS: And that鈥檚 what you鈥檙e working on abi?

David: (silence)

GPS: You are just doing your life bala bala. And it鈥檚 not me you are doing, it鈥檚 you. Me, I have married. Just come out of the estate and let鈥檚 be going.

David continues driving.

GPS: Stop here! Stop! Park the car!

David: What is wrong?

GPS: (shouts) Mama Juliana! (to David) Help me call her now!

David calls for a woman in a small kiosk and she comes out.

GPS: Ahnahn, Mama Julie, I didn鈥檛 see you at the meeting last weekend o.

Mama Juliana: Haa, Mummy David. I sick one kain sick like that.

GPS: Abi Papa Juliana don put another one for there?

David: Mummy, this is not on my schedule.

GPS: You were not on my schedule either but here we are.

David:

45 minutes later.

GPS: Bye bye o, Mama Julie. Ehn ehn, what about鈥�

David speeds off.

GPS: This is what I usually say about not having respect.

David sees a woman standing by the roadside holding a bottle of water. He stops.

David: Lillian?

Lillian: David! Oh My God!

David: Hop in! I鈥檒l drive you.

Lillian gets in.

Lillian: It is so great to see you, My God! Oh, where can I put this bottle?

GPS: Put it on my head. You cannot greet abi?

Lillian: (taken aback)

David: It鈥檚鈥� (sigh) It鈥檚 my mum.

Lillian: Good evening ma. I鈥檓 sorry.

GPS: Sorry for yourself.

David: Mama, where should I pass now?

GPS: How will I know, now that you have gone to carry somebody, maybe you should find your way yourself.

David: Should I go straight?

GPS: No, fly off the bridge.

20 MINUTES LATER.

GPS: We have gotten there. Praise Master Jesus.

David and Lillian: (confused)

David: Lillian, is this where you are going?

Lillian: No.

David: This isn鈥檛 my destination either.

GPS: I know. It is where I want to buy lace material for Baba Peju鈥檚 golden jubilee. Now, David, enter inside and price Swedish Lace for me. And don鈥檛 come with rubbish or you will go back.

David: Mum, this is not where I am going!

GPS: Inside hangout and this place that I will get lace, which one is better? Come on, enter inside and do what I asked you to do! And I want to sleep small. I have been talking since morning, and you know I don鈥檛 like to talk too much.

David grumbles and walks in.

Lillian:

GPS: Do you use to read the book of Corinthians?

Disaster. 

On this episode of #JustImagine, Catwoman meets her Nigerian in-laws and things get very weird.

There is a small crowd in the living room. People are eating, gisting and laughing when Kene and Catwoman walk into the house. Catwoman is dressed in a tight-fitting black spandex suit with a tail. She is also wearing a mask and holding a black whip. Everyone appears a little confused.

Kene: Good Afternoon Papa, Mama.

Kene鈥檚 parents: Welcome, my son.

Kene and Catwoman take a seat.

Kene鈥檚 father: (adjusts glasses) And who is this?

Kene: The girl I have been telling you about. My girlfriend. Catwoman.

Catwoman: (smiles) MEOW

Everybody: 

Kene鈥檚 Father:

Kene鈥檚 mother: 

Kene鈥檚 aunty:

Kene鈥檚 father: You want to marry cat?

Kene: (sigh) She鈥檚 not a cat.

Catwoman: (nods) I am not鈥� MEOWW

Kene鈥檚 Uncle: Na cat o.

Kene鈥檚 mother:

Kene鈥檚 father: If I marry cat, will I have born you? 

Kene:

Kene鈥檚 aunty, Mama Patrick, whispers to her son.

Mama Patrick: Maybe, that鈥檚 why they have not given you visa. Because of this cat.

Patrick: Na true.

Kene: Aunty, Patrick is an armed robber. That鈥檚 why they refused his visa.

Patrick: Who say I am an armed robber?

Mama Patrick: You too be hiding your gun now!

Kene’s cousin comes in.

Kene: Nasiru, take my girlfriend鈥檚 load inside.

Nasiru: So I can turn to cat?

Kene鈥檚 father: Enough! We have seen her, and we will accept her. What do you want to eat my dear?

A rat runs by. Catwoman catches and chews it.

Mama Kene: 

Papa Kene: And you鈥檙e sure you鈥檙e not spitting out the Holy Communion they use to give us in church, Kene?

Kene: (sighs)

Kene: Babe, you too stop eating rat now.

Catwoman: Sorry, it was just juicy. Want some?

Mama Kene: (shocked) You are eating asin with her?

Catwoman: My baby likes it.

Mama Kene: They have get my son.

Catwoman: Please ma, sir. I want to be with your son. He is kind, patient and he takes good care of our children鈥�

Kene covers Catwoman鈥檚 mouth.

Mama Kene: Children? Whose children?

Papa Kene: Where are these children?

Catwoman removes Kene鈥檚 hands and speaks.

Catwoman: MEOW MEOW MEOW

Mama Kene: Who she dey call?

A bunch of cats walk into the house. Everywhere scatters. Mama Patrick a bible from her purse. 

Papa Kene screams loudly over the phone.

Papa Kene: Dibia, be coming o! My son wants to marry cat!

Dibia: Cat?

Papa Kene: Yes o.

Dibia: Cats have shown me pepper. I cannot come. Na dem make I no succeed for life. I no fit do am. Happy Married Life to Kene.

Outside, Catwoman finally calms down and is on the roof with her cats. Kene is persuading her to come down.

Kene: Baby, come down. Nobody will hurt you. 

Mama Kene: And tell her to be going with those cats!

Kene: Mama, they are your grandchildren!

Mama Kene: . . .

At that moment, Mama Patrick鈥檚 husband, Papa Patrick, walks into the compound.

Papa Patrick: (screams) What is going on here!

Catwoman: Chief?

Papa Patrick鈥� eyes budge.

Catwoman: Chief?

Papa Patrick: Which chief? Do I know you?

Catwoman: Are you not the one that has been saying you will change my life?

Mama Patrick: Ehn?

Papa Patrick: I don鈥檛 know who you鈥檙e talking about.

Catwoman: Didn鈥檛 you say you will sell everything you have for me?

Mama Patrick: 

Patrick: Papa, did you sell my Xbox for woman?

Mama Patrick: You are sleeping with cat, Papa Patrick?

Catwoman plays a voice note on her phone and Papa Patrick鈥檚 voice comes on.

Baby let me show you the world. I will leave my entire family for you. My wife is not fine like that again. Even her bride price, I want to collect it back. Just let me do one, you won鈥檛 regret it. I like how you use to meow.

Mama Patrick: 

When you take a closer look, Romeo and Juliet is a classic Nigerian story. Boy meets Girl. They fall in love. But their parents refuse to agree to a union due to irreconcilable differences. Sounds familiar?

The only part of this story that doesn鈥檛 quite gel is the dying part. Nigerian men will say they鈥檇 die for you, but believe that at your own risk. On this episode of Just Imagine, we turn Romeo and Juliet into a Nigerian couple named Romanus and Julie.

JULIE鈥橲 ROOM

Romanus, a young Nigerian man in his early 30s, walks into a dark quiet room. He switches on the light and there Julie is, dead on the floor, with a bottle of pills in her cold, lifeless hand.

Romanus runs to her and starts to scream.

24 HOURS BEFORE

JULIE鈥橲 PARENTS鈥� HOUSE

Julie is standing in her parents鈥� tastefully furnished living room. She is twiddling her fingers and sulking while her parents scold her.

Julie鈥檚 mother: Who did you say you want to marry?

Julie: (mutters) Romanus.

Julie鈥檚 father: The boy that does not have bagrand?

Julie鈥檚 mother: That spent 9 years in school getting carryovers? 

Julie frowns and grumbles.

Julie: It鈥檚 ASUU strike that caused it. He forgot everything because of strike.

Julie鈥檚 father:

Julie: (mutters) That鈥檚 who I want to marry oo.

Her mother throws a slipper at her and she dodges it.

Julie鈥檚 mother: Which job is he doing that you want to marry him?! I say which job?!

Julie mutters under her breath.

Julie鈥檚 father: You can鈥檛 answer your mother?!

Julie: Hypeman

Julie鈥檚 mother: Ehn?

Julie: Hypeman at burial.

Julie鈥檚 father:

Julie鈥檚 father: Who鈥� who is he hyping?

Julie: He hypes them to heaven. Like spiritual tour guide. 

Julie鈥檚 mother removes her gele and chases her with it. Her father is still confused.

ROMANUS鈥� HOUSE.

Romanus鈥� living room. There are only two chairs, a table and a small TV.

Romanus鈥� father is passed out on a couch facing the TV. There is a bottle of local gin in his hand, which is almost slipping out of his grasp. Romanus walks in from behind.

Romanus: Papa.

No answer.

Romanus: (louder) Papa!

No answer.

Romanus clears his throat and starts hyping his father.

Romanus: One for my father, Papa Romanus. One for my Baba in heaven. One for bros Baba Jay. One for鈥�

Romanus’ father jerks awake.

Romanus’ father: ARE YOU MAD? WHO ARE YOU HYPING?!

Romanus: Papa. You鈥檝e not died?

Romanus’ father: Is your father that will die!

Romaus: You鈥檙e my father.

Romanus鈥� father: You can never be my seed!

Romanus: When you didn鈥檛 answer, I thought you had died.

Romanus’ father: It鈥檚 you and your mother鈥檚 family that will die.

Romanus: Look Papa, I don鈥檛 have time for all this one. I came to tell you that I want to marry.

Romanus’ father: (takes a swig from his bottle) What鈥檚 now my business?

Romanus: We will pay bride price.

Romanus’ father: And then?

Romanus: Won鈥檛 you help me pay it?

Romanus’ father: Is it me that want to marry? Don鈥檛 you have work?

Romanus sits.

Romanus: See Papa, people are not dying and they are not calling me to do hypeman again鈥� You too saw how I quickly started hyping you that time? I鈥檓 really looking for work.

Romanus’ father: So should I die?

Romanus: If you can die this July, it will really help me.

Romanus鈥� father:

Romanus: But even if you die, nobody will pay for your hype.

Romanus’ father: …

Romanus: So if you can pay for it now before you die, it will be good for me.

Romanus’ father:

Romanus: Papa! Papa! I am your only child oh! PAPA! WHO WILL INHERIT YOUR SHOP!

JULIE鈥橲 HOME

Julie is humming by her window when a stone hits the glass. She opens the window and steps onto a veranda. Romanus is downstairs professing his love.

Romanus: Ah Julie! Your face is like the rising sun!

Julie frowns 

Romanus: Whenever I see you like this, my head is not usually correct!

Julie: And that鈥檚 why you want to spoil our window?

Romanus: No vex now. You are always vexing! You know I can die for you now!

Julie: Eh ehn?

Romanus nods and Julie smiles.

Romanus: This smile is what will kill me.

Julie: What I am reading in this newspaper is that they are choosing people that will go to war. And if the person should die in war, they will give their wife money.

Romanus:

Julie: So can you go? So I will collect money?

Romanus: Julie…

Julie: Yes baby?

Romanus: Hope you鈥檙e not mad.

Julie: Ah ah.

Romanus: What is ah ah! I say what is ah ah? Me, I should be going to war so I can die!

Julie: But you don鈥檛 have money to pay my bride price so that鈥檚 what I am thinking now…

Romanus: So if I die, who will you marry?

Julie: Shebi our hearts belong to each other.

Romanus: You鈥檙e mad.

Julie: You too you鈥檙e mad.

Romanus checks his pocket and produces a ring.

Romanus: Anyway, I brought ring for you.

Julie: (blushes) Romanus!

Her mother comes into the balcony.

Julie鈥檚 mother: I said I don鈥檛 want to see you here again!

Romanus: Ma, I have future! I love your daughter!

Julie鈥� mother: Carry that your nonsense korope and leave this place! (to Julie) Look, someone has come to ask for your hand and he came with gifts.

Julie鈥檚 father comes in.

Julie鈥檚 father: Is she not ready y鈥�

He sees Romanus.

Julie鈥檚 father: Why is this vagabond here?!

Romanus: Sir, I love your daughter.

Julie鈥檚 father: GET OUT! I SAY 

Julie鈥檚 father starts coughing and spluttering.

Romanus: Sir!

Julie鈥檚 father: WHAT?

Romanus: Is it doing you like you want to die because I don鈥檛 know maybe you know that I do hypeman work.

Julie鈥檚 father throws a paper holder at Romanus.

As Romanus walks out of the compound, he sees a ram and starts pulling it away. He starts loading it into his bus.

The man who has come to ask for Julie鈥檚 hand in marriage, Chinedu, comes running out.

Chinedu: Are you mad? The ram I brought from my inlaws!

Romanus: Is your own?

Chinedu lunges for Romanus, and they start to fight. Juilet comes running out as Chinedu beats Romanus to a pulp.

Romanus: Julie! Julie! Come and help your husband oh.

Julie: I don鈥檛 use to put my mouth in fight oh.

HOSPITAL

Romanus is on a bed all bandaged up. Julie is by his side.

Romanus: You know you are a useless girlfriend? That man was beating me and you did not say anything!

Julie: Who ask you to carry our wedding ram?

Romanus: 

Romanus stares at her and Juliet stares back, challenging him to say nonsense.

Romanus: Doctor said you should give me kidney.

Julie: For what?

Romanus: That stupid man destroyed my kidney and now it鈥檚 only remaining one.

Julie: If I give you kidney, how many will I have?

Romanus: You know you鈥檙e young. It cannot affect you like that.

Julie:

Doctor walks in.

Doctor: He is doing well. I think he can be discharged.

Julie: What about the kidney?

Doctor: What kidney? His kidneys are perfectly fine.

Romanus:

Julie:

Romanus: What?! Won鈥檛 I sell something to pay your bride price?!

Julie: This is how I use to know that you鈥檙e mad!

PRESENT DAY

Julie is crying in her room. There is a bottle of pills by her side and a glass of water. She cries as she sends a text message.

She opens the bottle of pills and pours some into her hand. She grabs a glass of water and switches off her bedside lamp.

Romanus comes running into her room. He finds Julie on the ground.

Romanus: Julie! Julie! Julie Noooooo!!

Her mother comes crying into the room.

Romanus: Julie, I don鈥檛 want to live without you! Take me too!

Julie’ mother: This is the note she left for you.

Romanus takes the note and reads it.

Note: Romanus, I love you and I don鈥檛 want to live without you. We can get married in heaven. Just take 122 capsules and join me.

Romanus wipes his eyes and stands up.

Romanus: Ah 

Julie鈥檚 mother: What?

Romanus: She say I should use 122 drug.

Julie’s mother: Join her my son.

Romanus: Who is your son? My mummy is in prison. Me, I don鈥檛 even like drug before. It use to affect my stomach.

Julie鈥檚 mother: Ehn?

Romanus: I say I don鈥檛 like drug! I can鈥檛 drink drug o.

Julie鈥檚 mother: (gives him a knife) Use a knife then 

Romanus: Knife? Do you want me to die?!

Julie鈥檚 mother: Isn鈥檛 that the plan?

Romanus: When I have not blown? I can鈥檛 die o. Last last I can do is use the knife to cut my palm small so you can see blood. But me? I can鈥檛 die. Who will do hypeman for my baby ?

Julie wakes up.

Julie: Romanus, are you mad? You can鈥檛 die for me?

Romanus: You didn鈥檛 die?

Julie: It was a test!

Romanus: Don鈥檛 be testing me like that please.

Julie: You know Jack from Titanic was not up to your age when he died for woman.

Romanus: Enter boat and marry Jack then!

Julie: …

Romanus: I am smelling palm oil soup. I don鈥檛 know maybe I can see small to eat before I go.

Julie slaps him.

Romanus and Julie lived separately ever after. Emphasis on 鈥榣ived鈥� because nobody is dying for anybody in this Nigeria.

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.