If there’s one bible verse old Nollywood didn’t play with, it’s the famous Romans 6:23 verse that says, “For the wages of sin is death鈥�” An unspoken rule that meant every character who fucked up morally or religiously would have to face the consequences of their actions. But for some reason (patriarchy, duh), men would find redemption at the end of the movie while the women just ended up as sad cautionary tales. 

I can bet if you watched the film where that meme of your favourite old Nollywood baddie originated from, you’d throw hands at how she was treated

The wages of being a woman

Back then, the reward for premarital sex was an unwanted pregnancy, followed by an abortion in a dingy clinic and either death or a destroyed womb. Meanwhile, the man you had sex with gets to thrive and live his best life. 

What if you saved yourself for marriage as a female character and met the love of your life? Well, through no fault of your own, he’d either use you for rituals or another woman will use juju on him (it鈥檚 never his fault), while the rest of the world looks to you to fast, pray and hold on to your home until some pastor breaks the juju right before the film fades into “To God Be The Glory”.

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It was a lose-lose situation for the female characters I grew up watching. They served as either plot devices in the male character’s story or a conversation about respectability politics. These women were not allowed to fuck up or fall apart, and it wasn’t fair or realistic. 

Today, while there’s room for improvement, women are finally leading their own story and dodging the bullets old nollywood society says karma would throw their way. It feels fantastic to root for Eniola Salami (King of Boys) as she blows shit up in a male-dominated crime underworld and simultaneously root for Kemi and Sarah (Blood Sisters) as they bury the body of an abuser. 

We get to scream “yass” as Inem (Shanty Town) literally kicks ass and wonder how Uche (A Sunday Affair) still ended up with $250,000, a hot ass man and a baby after sleeping with her best friend’s man. None of these women are perfect, but that’s what makes them delicious to watch. 

Let鈥檚 talk about what鈥檚 causing the change for a minute.
The short answer is women. 

For the longest time, the problem with female characters in Nollywood was the feeling that they were written by men or women trying to serve the fantasies of these men 鈥� who else will believe that the man a woman said “no” to will end up being stinkingly rich, while she rolls on the floor in regret? These female characters couldn’t afford to be complex. They had to be one thing and one thing only. 

With more female writers and directors occupying space behind the scenes, Nollywood is changing. These changes might seem inconsequential, but the truth is, they’re important. Society has repeatedly failed to give women opportunities, and when they do, these women are never allowed to make mistakes, even when their male counterparts are shitting all over the place. By showing these complex women who go to extremes and come back in one piece, Nollywood is telling women that it’s okay to mess up.

And though providing representation for women, no matter how unhinged they are, won’t immediately make society extend grace to real-life women, the creation of these characters is still a revolutionary act.

Please, don鈥檛 kill anyone sha.

ALSO READ: These 24 Nollywood Characters Are The Same But in Different Fonts

Nigerians don鈥檛 deserve this. We are decent people. 

Rebuking this negative energy and cleansing our chakras for the year, we’ve listed out some of the Nollywood ensemble movies that actually worked. We’re not saying they’re perfect, but at least their plots made sense and had direction. 

1.

In a time where most ensembles focused on weddings or funerals, Kemi Adeitba tried something different, and omo, it actually slapped. It鈥檚 one thing to make a Nigerian film with a female villain, and it’s another thing to make the audience fall in love with and root for her. Do we think the film could鈥檝e been shorter? Yes. But we were living for the badass energy Sola Sobowale and Toni Tones gave us. So we can’t complain.

2.

From Mawuli Gavor being shirtless again for no reason to Banky W wearing a bullet-proof juju trad and an invisible car, this film has everything. It follows the Sugar sisters (Adesua Etomi, Bisola Aiyeola, and Bimbo Ademoye) and the hilarious drama that happens after they stumble upon (not steal) $800,000 from a bunch of criminals and Toke Makinwa in a shiny bone straight. While it might have plot holes the size of Aso Rock, the film still delivers on being funny as hell.听

3.

Another movie that focuses on random people strolling into trouble based on greed and amebo is Kenneth Gyang鈥檚 Confusion Na Wa. After discovering a phone, two local champions go-ahead to blackmail its owner and then have their lives go to shit simply because they couldn鈥檛 unlook. A dark comedy that captures the lives of different people and how they collide over a short period, this film is proof that sometimes, all you need is a good story.听

4.

We鈥檝e all seen this plot before. A Nigerian girl with the accent moves back to the country and starts some creative job selling decorated puff-puffs or planning weddings. She complains about not meeting her dream man even though she hasn鈥檛 ventured past the third mainland bridge. This leads her to go on a couple of dates with trash Nigerian men and kiss the ex who used her heart to play Super Mario. In the end, she realises that her best friend is the love of her life. Clich茅 as the plot is, something about Werruche Opia鈥檚 performance makes it feel fresh. Hands down one of the best “looking for love in Lagos” films we鈥檝e seen. 

5.

The name of this film is triggering childhood memories we鈥檇 like to repress. Urrgh. Directed by Dare Olaitan, this ambitious ensemble has half of young Nollywood in it. While it might seem like a crazy story about a petrol station manager on the surface, Ojukokoro masterfully interweaves the lives of several characters in a way we haven鈥檛 seen before. The best part is that almost all the loose ends are tied up by the time the end credits roll. To be clear, this film isn鈥檛 perfect. One major thing that stands out is the lack of development for the female characters, especially in a time where the diversity and depths of women are being explored on screen. 

6. 听

This film is a visual example of what happens when you put too much pepper in your stew 鈥� It will slap in the beginning, but down the line, you鈥檒l start to wonder how you got here. Following Adesua Etomi and Nollywood鈥檚 secret weapon, Kehinde Bankole, as Lekki Nikitas, the film pulled us into a messy web of lies, drama and so many flashbacks, we ended up with a headache. Where The Set Up fails at selling its twists, it makes it up with great performances. From Joke Silva bitch slapping Dakore Egbuson to Adesua doing her best Charlie鈥檚 Angel impression, we were constantly at the edge of our seats.听

7.

Honestly, this is the film that marked the beginning of the end for Nollywood. Producers and studios saw how Nigerians ate this movie up in 2016 and decided to give us watered-down versions of it year in, year out. A classic in our opinion, The Wedding Party redefined ensemble comedies for Nollywood and sadly, no one has been able to top it since then (not even its sequel). Is it the groom鈥檚 ex showing up at the wedding or the fight for superiority between amala and rice? This film showcases all the crazy things that could happen at a typical owambe wedding in Nigeria. It still cracks us up till today. 

1. Omo Ghetto: The Saga

This is the sequel to the 2010 film Omo Ghetto. If you watched the movie, then you know why it鈥檚 perfect to pick Halloween costumes from. To achieve any of the looks, you must mix colours in the worst possible way. Purple shoes, orange pants, a pink shirt, silver lipstick, and, most importantly, dyed hair. Bonus points if you鈥檙e a twin. Then one person can dress like a tout and the other can dress like a mummy GO.听

2. Prophetess

This movie follows the life of a prophetess in a small rural town who makes false predictions in exchange for money. Seeing as we are talking about Halloween costumes, for this look, all you have to do is to dress as every Nigerian thing/person that has ever lied to or disappointed you. For example, a politician, PHCN workers, your interviewer at the embassy, your parent that time they told you to go wear your shoes and then went out without you, etc

3. Kambili: the whole 30 yards

Did this movie go on for longer than necessary? Yes. Did it听 feel like a 鈥渞omantic comedy?鈥� Not at all. But we’re digressing… For this costume, think klutz. Tap into your inner lastborn or family disappointment. The goal is to look basic and out of place. Think cheap coloured wigs and a beach outfit. And just like that, you have the perfect Kambili.听

4. Day of destiny

This is Nigeria鈥檚 first sci-fi time travel film. Since it was made in Nigeria, sci-fi here has less to do with science and more to do with juju. We鈥檒l ignore the fact that they decided to make their own time travel rules and focus on the costume.For this Halloween costume, you can either go as their alternate timeline sister, Helen, the classic nerd (Rotimi) or a wannabe musician (Chidi). 

5. King of boys: the return of the king

One thing the characters in “King of Boys” will do is serve looks. From Laburu鈥檚 fabulous dresses to Makanaki鈥檚 outfits. Or even the lowkey 鈥淣aked weapon鈥� slasher girl. There’s no reason why any of these Halloween costumes should flop. Except your tailor hates you. That’s a story for another day.

6. Breaded life

This movie tells the story of a privileged and irresponsible guy. One day, he wakes up to find out that all the people in his life inexplicably no longer remember him, except a bread hawker. For this Halloween costume, think silk shirts, cotton pants, and a pan of agege bread on your head.听

7. Namaste wahala

Even if you haven’t seen this movie, the name suggests that it鈥檚 a fusion of Indian and Nigerian cultures. Just like they did in the movie, wear your Nigerian native attire and dance to Indian music like a normal person. 

[donation]

1. When you finally meet your dick appointment after sitting in traffic for 2 hours.

2. When your partner wants some and your inner dom comes out

3. When you contemplate letting him cum in you but change your mind at the last minute.

4. When it was bigger than he claimed

5. When he finally agrees to have sex with you.

6. When your man introduces you to his side chick for a threesome.

7. When he’s asking for a 5th round but you’re tired.

8. When you finally gather the courage to ask him to eat your ass.

9. When the AC is too cold and you can’t find the duvet.

10. When you want to have urgent sex but your car is the only option.

11. When he asks you “whose pussy is this?”

12. When it grazes your G-spot.

13. When he tells you what he’s going to do to you tonight.

Not really a phrase, but you get the gist.

14. When your woman orders you not to touch yourself before she comes see you.

15. When your woman’s period is finally over.

[donation]

While everyone might have different opinions on the mini-series, there is something we can all agree on: the women in it are strong. Yes, they are all villains in their own right, but I still think they all have redeeming qualities that we could all learn from. 

1. Eniola Salami (Young Laburu)

Played by the amazing Toni Tones. Young Eniola doesn鈥檛 play with her goals. She knows what she wants and she will get it even if it involves killing her husband and his former family. A goal is a goal and it must be met. 

2. Eniola Salami (Oba/Older Laburu) 

Just like young Eniola, she is driven towards her cause. She is also smart and can smell a rat from miles away but she will play along. Killing a loyal bodyguard is nothing in the grand scheme of things 鈥� as long as we get what we want. 

3. Jumoke Randle

The First Lady taught us to maintain composure in all situations even when they are dragging you by your edges. Don鈥檛 fret. This life na fan 鈥� E go reach your turn again. 

4. Sword babe 

Sword babe said, 鈥淭ake your time 鈥� the world will wait.鈥� Do what you want at your pace and everything else will follow including the head of your boyfriend鈥檚 enemy. 

5. Aare鈥檚 messenger with the hat 

Stay mysterious. Don鈥檛 tell anybody your moves. Don鈥檛 say more than five sentences in a conversation otherwise people will be able to read your mind and intercept your plans. Black lipstick and dark clothes are a good place to start. 

6. Chief Randle

A passionate and family-driven woman. Also, she was kind enough to reserve apartments for her enemies in Ajah. She doesn鈥檛 let her enemies know her every move and she is strategic with her movements. Be like Chief Randle. 

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1. Pray for yourself

You need to close your eyes and pray. The thoughts running through your mind are bad. There is down bad and there’s you and it is only prayer that can bring you out of the deep depth of horniness you are in.

2. Close your laptop

Close your laptop and start thinking about your life, make sure you reflect on why such a thought even crossed your mind in the first place. You can go the extra mile by throwing the laptop away so you never have to use it to watch tv shows that’ll make you think such thoughts.

3. Switch the tv off

The first step is to switch off the tv, the second step is to break it into pieces. We are not even being extra or dramatic. After switching off the tv and breaking it, make a pact with yourself to never watch tv shows again. Period.

4. Wash your eyes

Make sure you wash your eyes with soap and water. We’ll have told you to wash your mind, but we don’t know how possible that is. Removing your eyes completely would have been a really good option if it wasn’t so dramatic.

5. Read your Bible or Quran

Religious or not, pick up a Bible or a Quran and read one of them. You are clearly in dire need of spiritual redemption.

6. Sleep

Just go to bed, sleep for nothing less than 12 hours so you can wake up refreshed with new thoughts. Everyone knows that tired minds think worrisome thoughts.

1. His loyalty

There are no loyal Yoruba men, yen yen yen. Ade Tiger doesn’t have two heads oh. You heard him: “Till I die, Oba.” Can your man ever?

2. His fine face

What’s not to love? Man’s hot. When last did you come across such a well structured work of art? You can bet your left butt that some women are already “investigating” whether Ade Tiger is single, married or snatchable.

3. His hair

Forget men with bald, coconut head. What will you clutch when you start reciting the “Yes Daddy” anthem? Men, if you are reading this, start growing a luxurious, neat, sexy head of hair before your Nigerian woman leaves you.

4. His voice

Every time he says, “Oba….” all some women can imagine is their name in his mouth. Hay God. Shivers.

5. His skin tone

If light complexioned men are not your spec, sorry oh. Ade Tiger is a yellow paw-paw, and there are Nigerian women that love to see it.

6. He gets things done

Men like Ade will not abandon you to figure stuff out on your own. You can trust him to take action and find solutions. God when?

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