Alfred* (31) grew up with a loving dad who was the glue of their family and a mum who prioritised work over building a connection. He shares how, after his dad died in 2021, his mum took over all his assets and how her unchecked greed has torn their relationship apart.
As told to Adeyinka
My siblings and I didn鈥檛 have the best relationship with our mum growing up. It wasn鈥檛 that she didn鈥檛 love us鈥攕he did, in her own way鈥攂ut she wasn鈥檛 the warm, nurturing type you鈥檇 expect a mother to be. While other mums spent time with their kids or made an effort to connect, ours was all about work and her business. She was strict, and every interaction with her felt like walking on eggshells.
Our dad, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. He was warm, approachable, and always present. Despite working full-time and contributing significantly to the household finances, he made time for us. He helped with homework, attended school events, and listened to us. He wasn鈥檛 perfect, but in the world of parenting, he was the one we gravitated towards. Naturally, my siblings and I adored him.
Looking back, I don鈥檛 think my mum even realised how distant she was. She had tunnel vision when it came to providing for the family. Maybe in her mind, she was doing the right thing by focusing on financial stability while my dad handled the emotional side of parenting. She worked a high-paying government job and ran a successful side business. To her, this was love: making sure we never lacked. But for us kids, it felt like we were growing up without a real mother.
Things changed slightly in our teenage years;聽 she tried to connect with us. She asked about school and showed more interest in our lives. I remember she showed up unannounced during one of my open-day events in secondary school. I was shocked, but it made me happy. For a moment, it felt like she was trying to turn things around. But just as quickly as it started, it ended. By the time we got to university, she鈥檇 reverted to her old ways鈥攄istant and consumed by work. My siblings and I had learned to keep our interactions with her minimal. It was easier to love her from afar than deal with the frustration of trying to connect with someone who didn鈥檛 seem interested.
After we graduated and started NYSC, things took an annoying turn. Out of nowhere, our mum started demanding a portion of our allowances. At first, I thought she was joking, but she wasn鈥檛. She expected us to give her money from the little we were earning, even though she had a well-paying job and didn鈥檛 need it. It felt unfair, but we complied because she was our mum.
Her demands didn鈥檛 stop there. When we started earning proper salaries, she still expected a cut. It wasn鈥檛 like she needed the money because she was already comfortable. It felt like greed, plain and simple. We were frustrated about the whole thing but kept quiet to avoid unnecessary conflict. Our dad wasn鈥檛 helping matters, too, because he didn鈥檛 seem to have a problem with her demand. He said she shouldn鈥檛 even have to ask before we gave her. Then, in 2021, he passed away, and everything went from bad to worse.
After my dad鈥檚 death, my mum took control of everything he left behind. She had all the documents to his properties, access to his bank accounts, and the keys to his three cars. I still remember the week of his demise; she immediately swung into action and started commandeering everything, including his phones and the key to his room. At first, I thought she was just grieving and holding onto everything temporarily. But as time passed, it became clear she had no intention of letting go.
The entire thing was weird because it wasn鈥檛 like she was struggling. My mum鈥檚 job paid her well, and her business brought in extra income. But she hoarded everything my dad owned as if it was hers alone. She sold one of his properties without telling us, and when we found out, she brushed it off like it was nothing. When we asked why she was holding onto everything, she casually said she鈥檇 share it with us eventually. But her actions said otherwise.
The cars were another issue. My dad had three, and none of us could access them. When I asked about the keys, she said something along the lines of 鈥淒on鈥檛 rely on your father鈥檚 properties, make a name for yourself.鈥
My siblings and I tried to reason with her, asking her to at least share the resources with us since we were his children, too. But every conversation was futile. When we couldn鈥檛 get through to her, one of her closest friends, who had also tried to mediate, advised us to ask family members for help. But even that was a waste of time; she鈥檇 smile politely during these interventions and nod as if she were taking their advice seriously. But as soon as they left, it was back to business as usual.
I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e ever seen someone so stubborn. It鈥檚 like she decided she was entitled to everything my dad left behind, and nothing anyone said could convince her otherwise.
To make matters worse, my siblings and I don鈥檛 entirely agree on how to handle the situation. While we鈥檙e all upset, one sibling believes pushing too hard will make her more defensive. Another has suggested cutting her off entirely, but that feels extreme. We鈥檙e stuck in this limbo, unsure of how to move forward.
It鈥檚 been two years since my dad passed, and my relationship with my mum has never been worse. Honestly, I don鈥檛 even think I can call it a relationship anymore. My siblings and I are united in our anger towards her, and I hate that this is what we鈥檝e been reduced to. It鈥檚 hard to feel anything but resentment when the person who鈥檚 supposed to care for you is the one causing so much pain. And the worst part? She doesn鈥檛 seem to care. She still calls us occasionally, but it鈥檚 always about money. Never a 鈥淗ow are you doing?鈥 or 鈥淎re you okay?鈥 It鈥檚 always, 鈥淲hen are you sending me something?鈥
Sometimes, I wonder if my mum鈥檚 behaviour is rooted in trauma. I know she had a rough childhood because her parents struggled financially, but even if that鈥檚 the case, it doesn鈥檛 excuse how she鈥檚 treated us. I want to believe she loves us and knows she鈥檚 wrong. But until she鈥檚 willing to have an honest conversation, there鈥檚 nothing I can do.
For now, I鈥檓 focused on building my own life and supporting my siblings as much as possible. We鈥檝e leaned on each other a lot these past two years, and I鈥檓 grateful for that. It鈥檚 a small silver lining in an otherwise messy situation. As for my mum, I don鈥檛 know if forgiveness is on the table. Maybe one day, I鈥檒l feel differently. But right now, the hurt is too fresh, and the scars are too deep.
All I know is that I miss my dad. He was the glue that held us together; it feels like everything is falling apart without him. I wish he were here to see how things have turned out. I think he鈥檇 be heartbroken. And honestly, so am I.
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