Sometimes, it feels like the tag ISP鈥擨nternet Service Provider 鈥攎eans something else entirely because there鈥檚 no actual 鈥減roviding鈥� going on. 

After a particularly frustrating week, 91大神 rounded up Nigeria鈥檚 major ISPs to get to the root of the matter and ask one simple question: Where did our network go?

[91大神 arrives at a quaint bistro on the Mainland and spends fifteen minutes trying to pay the Uber driver because, of course, there鈥檚 no network. The driver finally confirms payment, and 91大神 walks away, muttering unpleasant words for the unnecessary delay. Ahead, Airtel, MTN and Spectranet are already seated, their flashy colours drawing unwanted attraction. 91大神 joins the table and goes straight to business.]

91大神: I see Glo and FiberOne are late.

Airtel: [bursts into giggles]

Spectranet: Are you surprised? 

MTN: They love an 鈥淎frican time鈥� arrival.

91大神: Is that so?

Airtel: 驰别蝉鈥�

91大神:听 It wasn鈥檛 a question.听Anyway, we鈥檒l start without them.听

I鈥檇 say 鈥済ood afternoon,鈥� but there鈥檚 nothing good about this afternoon.

Airtel: Easy tiger. 

91大神: You must think I鈥檓 here for jokes, right? It took me twenty minutes to pay my cab fare because none of you were working, and you have the audacity to tell me 鈥渆asy鈥�. Are you鈥� 

Spectranet: Fifteen minutes actually.

(91大神 shoots Spectranet a stone-cold look)

91大神: Excuse me?

MTN (whispering): Guy, behave!

Spectranet: What? I was counting.

91大神: Since you guys are keeping tabs, can y鈥檃ll explain why your networks keep disappearing? Bloody hell! 

MTN: First of all, I don鈥檛 鈥済o off.鈥� I simply select who deserves internet. If you have bad vibes, you buffer. Simple.

Airtel: My users are soft life people. If I ever go off, it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 resting and they understand the importance of rest. All work and no play鈥�

MTN: makes Jack an olodo.

91大神 (visibly irritated): Are you guys being for real?

Spectranet: Listen, I don鈥檛 know what they鈥檙e both on about. All I know is, Nigerians don鈥檛 know how to use delicate devices. If you鈥檙e treating your MiFi device like a ball of eba, how will it work? Have you tried putting it on a silk pillow strategically facing the North-West? No, yet you want good internet. SMH. 

91大神: You guys are making no sense, and no one has answered the question. Why am I paying ridiculous sums for internet that shows up when it likes?

Unknown: Guys!!!

(All meeting attendants, including 91大神, turn a sharp gaze toward the entrance) 

MTN: Who is that one?

Airtel (adjusts antenna): Erm鈥�

Spectranet: Oh, slow with pride. 

Glo [Still shouting]: So you guys started without me?

91大神: You arrived late and still want to create a scene. Is this the time we agreed on?

Glo: Hey, it’s better late than never, right?

91大神: You honestly should have stayed at home. But now that you are here, can you explain why the network has been slow? I鈥檓 not sure these other ones know what they鈥檙e getting paid for.

MTN: Easy tiger.

91大神: If you call me tiger again, I鈥檒l involve the NCC. I have him on speed dial.

Airtel (mutters): It鈥檚 giving military regime.

MTN: I鈥�

91大神: Shhhh! Glo, answer the question, please. 

Glo: Well, I can鈥檛 speak for everybody, but last I checked, we still have paying customers. That must mean we鈥檙e getting something right. Yes, the internet may be bad from time to time, but who no dey face challenges for this current Nigeria? 

(MTN, Spectranet and Airtel break into thunderous applause)

91大神 (startled): What鈥檚 going on here?

Airtel: I think you can hear him clearly? Everybody is going through it in Nigeria. You should be grateful we鈥檙e even showing up at all.

MTN & Airtel (together): Preach! 

91大神: I see what you people are trying to do. But it won鈥檛 work. You collect my hard earned money and want to blame your poor service on Nigeria?

(91大神 pulls out phone. Scrolls through contact list and lands on the FCCPC鈥檚 number. But a deafening whirling sound envelopes the place. From a distance, FiberOne and Starlink climb down from a chopper.) 

Spectranet (scoffs): Always the one for drama. Abegii.

MTN: Where did they see money for a chopper?

Airtel: Maybe it鈥檚 from all the money they saved from not giving their customers  network. Rubbish and ingredients鈥�

Glo: If you must hate, at least tell the truth. Their customers enjoy basic service. Above average if my sources are right.

91大神: Listen, I鈥檓 not interested in this side talk you people are on about. I want a solution, and if somebody doesn鈥檛 provide one in the next minute, I鈥檓 calling FCCPC. 

(Starlink and FiberOne take their seats, only acknowledging 91大神)

91大神: So gracious of you people to bless us with your presence. Now that you have arrived, do you know why paying customers cannot enjoy uninterrupted internet?

Starlink (adjusts outfit): Well, I shouldn鈥檛 even be here in the first place. F1 told me the povvos were meeting on the mainland yapping about low quality problems, and I thought to drop by. But since I鈥檓 here and you鈥檝e posed the question, I only have one answer: Anyone with the financial鈥�

Airtel: Ehn! What do you think you want to do? My friend will you keep quiet there!

MTN: Tell him o. Imagine the pompous goat trying to poach our customers.

Glo: Genzs are all the same everywhere. They just want to come and take with no regard for the people before them.

(Spectranet breaks into Sound Sultan鈥檚 Bushmeat. MTN, Glo and Airtel join in)

91大神 (sighs): Guys, guys, guys鈥�

(Loud singing continues. Starlink and FiberOne storm out of the building.)

91大神 (speaking on phone): Hello, is this the FCCPC?

(On the other side of town, 9Mobile frantically jumps out of bed.)

91大神: Wait, I think we forgot to about 9Mobile.

Them: Who???

READ ALSO: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: 鈥淟et Us Explain鈥�

After navigating the narrow path, 91大神 arrives at a clearing. A battered aluminium pot simmers over an open flame. The air smells of heated oil and spiced beans. A sudden gust of wind blows out the lantern. Then suddenly, a voice.

Akara: You came alone?

91大神 (startled): Who鈥� who said that?

Akara: Answer the question.

91大神: Yes. I鈥�

Akara: You were not followed?

91大神: No.

Akara: Good. I don鈥檛 like distractions. Especially not at this hour.

91大神 (still confused): Akara?

(A perfectly round, golden brown ball bobs in the oil, then levitates gently onto the stool. It has eyes. A mouth. And is somehow chewing something.)

Akara: Yes, it鈥檚 me. You asked for an interview, didn鈥檛 you? So sit down and be quick about it. My oil doesn鈥檛 stay hot forever.

91大神: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us. 

Akara: Point of correction, I didn鈥檛 agree. I summoned you. You鈥檝e been whispering my name online. Now hear my truth.

91大神: Right. So, that means you鈥檙e aware that you鈥檝e been trending recently?

Akara (scoffs): Of course. You people finally realise I鈥檓 not ordinary, and now you can鈥檛 shut up. Talking about “akara sellers don’t sleep”, “you must be fortified”, “they only sell at night.” Are you just discovering that I鈥檓 spiritual royalty?

91大神: So鈥� is it true? That no one can enter the akara business without spiritual backup?

Akara: Let me ask you something. Do you know what it means to fry beans in 8 p.m. darkness? Balance hot oil on a charcoal stove? Do you think it鈥檚 beans to stand in front of fire day after day, untouched? You can鈥檛 sell me if your aura is dirty. You鈥檒l burn. That is not ordinary strength. That is calling.

91大神: So you’re saying it’s not everyone that can fry akara?

Akara: Not everybody should, and not everybody can. I don鈥檛 call everybody. Some of you are just frying air. No taste, no crunch, no jena-say-qua.

READ THIS TOO: 10 Places To Make Over 鈧�30k Per Day From Selling Akara

91大神: But it鈥檚 just bean paste鈥�

Akara (cuts in angrily): Just? See this one. Did your ancestors not tell you I was used to welcome twins? That I sit beside pap as king and not a side? Let me catch you calling me 鈥渏ust鈥� anything again. 

91大神: Sorry. I didn’t mean鈥�

Akara: Don’t vex me. My people know themselves. You think it鈥檚 beans to start frying me on a random street and suddenly, cars start stopping, bankers start queuing and nobody complains about the price? There鈥檚 power involved. Spiritually balanced people only.

91大神: So you admit there’s a spiritual element?

Akara: I鈥檝e been telling you since. Did you come here with your ears in your pocket? Anyway, you people keep putting me with the spineless lots of puff puff, buns and dundun. Please, listen and listen well: We are not the same. Who carries this country鈥檚 less privileged on a day by day basis? Me. Who feeds the deceased even when they鈥檙e long gone? Me. 

91大神: I see. So, are you worried that your recent fame might attract unserious people who want to bust your myth?

Akara: Let them try it. Let them try it and see if their eyebrows won鈥檛 go up in smoke. You鈥檒l know the ones I didn鈥檛 call 鈥� hot oil will reject them. The fire will embarrass them. The beans will not bond.

91大神: Wow.

Akara: Let me not even start on the people who try to fry me with an air fryer. Or the ones that use an electric cooker. *spit* 

91大神: Some people online also said you鈥檝e been spotted at spiritual rivers and shrines.

Akara: I ask again. Did you come here with your ears in your pockets? Have you not been following what I鈥檝e been saying?

91大神: But鈥�

Akara: Anyway, let me just answer so you people won鈥檛 say I鈥檓 proud. The truth is, you people think greatness is cheap. Every real akara seller knows what I demand 鈥� discipline, early rising, sacrifice. You want to make it, but can鈥檛 even grind beans overnight? Please, go and bake a cake. 

Akara (glancing at the sunless sky): This interview is over. The wind is shifting.

91大神: Wait, just one last question鈥�

Akara: I said it is over! If they like, let them keep saying it鈥檚 just beans and oil. I鈥檒l be here鈥� watching. Waiting. For everyone who thinks they can enter my business without blood, sweat, and spirit 鈥� I dey wait una for junction.

(A sharp gust of wind blows. The frying pot disappears. In its place, only the faint scent of onions and firewood remains.)

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Nigeria and a few other African countries have been hit with poor internet issues and downtimes since March 14, 2024. According to , this was caused by damaged subsea cable.听

听The question on most Nigerians鈥� lips remains: 鈥淲ho even entered the sea to cut the cable?鈥� 91大神 sat down with Subsea Cable to find answers.

[91大神 walks into a dark building]

91大神: Hello? Anybody here?

Subsea Cable: Identify yourself and recite the password before you take another step.

91大神: Password? 

91大神 mutters to self: Wetin my eyes no go see for this work?

91大神: Nobody gave me any password o. Isn鈥檛 that you, Subsea cable?

Subsea Cable: Yes, it鈥檚 me. Sorry, I鈥檓 trying to protect myself. This is new territory for me. But why are you just coming? They warned me about Nigerians and lateness. But I thought you understood the gravity of the situation.

91大神: You鈥檙e the one who refused to send me your location. You kept saying I should walk straight and turn left when I see an abandoned NEPA transformer. Do you know how many of those there are in Nigeria?

Subsea Cable: It would鈥檝e been easier if you agreed to meet me under the sea like I suggested. If not for my life that is in danger, would I have left where I was to come here?

91大神: Me I don鈥檛 use to enter the sea o. You鈥檝e never heard of Yemoja? But wait, did you say something about your life being in danger?

Subsea Cable: Yes. That鈥檚 why I called you. I need advice on how to protect myself.

91大神: Is it because of the cut you sustained last week? You look like you鈥檙e much better now.

Subsea Cable: Yes, I鈥檓 undergoing repairs. But that鈥檚 not what I mean. Some fishes have been whispering to me about how some African governments are considering making my 鈥渋njury鈥� a regular thing.

91大神: What do you mean?

Subsea Cable: Well, they noticed and liked how everyone stopped complaining about their incompetence and focused their attention on swearing for whoever cut me.

91大神: Ehen, that鈥檚 true. Who even cut you in the first place?

Subsea Cable: Are you listening to what I鈥檓 saying at all? I鈥檓 telling you that I鈥檒l soon become like your National Grid. You know, the one that鈥檚 always collapsing.

91大神: Wait, let鈥檚 get to the root of the original injury first.

Subsea Cable: Look, I don鈥檛 have time. I have to return to my office before they report me missing. Can you at least help me secure some police officers to escort me and keep me safe? I heard you people are the giants of Africa. Surely your police are the best, right?

91大神: LMAO. Is there a rock under the sea where you live?

Subsea Cable: As how?

91大神: Because you must be living under it. I thought you supply the internet for a living? 

Subsea Cable: So your plan is to insult me?

91大神: Oya sorry. Let me get this straight. You need a bodyguard to follow you under the sea, abi?

Subsea Cable: That鈥檚 what I鈥檝e been saying since.

91大神: And the person will be with you 24/7?

Subsea Cable: That鈥檚 the idea.

91大神: I have exactly who you need. They say he doesn鈥檛 sleep till 4 a.m., and he allegedly built a whole city single-handedly, so coming up with strategies to keep you safe will be soft work for him.

Subsea Cable: Wait鈥sn鈥檛 that your pres鈥�?

91大神: Say less. DSS knows our office. Do you accept or not?

Subsea Cable: See who I鈥檓 even discussing my problems with. You didn鈥檛 hear when I said some African governments are planning against me? In fact, I鈥檓 out. Maybe Ghana can help me.

91大神: Wait na.

[Subsea Cable storms off in disgust]

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[Noodles walks into the 91大神 office, looking slightly annoyed.]

91大神: Ah, welcome. You look good. It鈥檚 so wonderful to have you here.

[Redacted] Noodles: Please, let鈥檚 cut to the chase. I鈥檓 a very busy person these days. I only honoured your invitation so it won鈥檛 be like I鈥檓 now proud because my level has changed. Maybe you can even benefit small from my good fortune. You鈥檝e been complaining about inflation too much. How do they say it sef? We rise by lifting others, abi?

91大神:

[Noodles鈥� phone rings.]

[Redacted] Noodles: Hello? I鈥檝e told you; if they can鈥檛 pay 鈧�30k for that carton, bring it back. Their eyes will clear when the price increases to 鈧�50k next tomorrow. Rubbish.

Noodles hangs up the call.

[Redacted] Noodles: Ehen, you were saying?

91大神: I can see you鈥檙e very busy, so I鈥檒l just ask the question on everybody鈥檚 mind. Why are you so expensive these days? You used to roll with Garri, but no one can look at your face again. What happened?

[Redacted] Noodles: Thank you very much for that question. Now, let me ask you. Don鈥檛 you like progress?

91大神: I don鈥檛 get.

[Redacted] Noodles: See, the thing is all of you don鈥檛 know how to value people. When I was down to the level of the common man, you people took every opportunity to insult me.

91大神: Insult as how? We never did that.

[Redacted] Noodles: So I鈥檓 lying? Were you not there when some people tried to give me a name that my manufacturers didn鈥檛 give me? Accusing me of causing cancer? All because I was cheap and the only thing you people could afford to eat three times a day?

91大神: Ahan. Are you broke-shaming us now?

[Redacted] Noodles: Don鈥檛 interrupt me, please. Or were you not there when one SAN called me 鈥渙rdinary [redacted]鈥� because some people in the government were hoarding me during the pandemic? Me, ordinary?

91大神: But there was context鈥�

[Redacted] Noodles: Carry your context and throw it inside the pit your economy is in. As for me, it is my time to enjoy the recognition I deserve. I mean, why did everyone think it was okay to associate me with sapa and struggle? I鈥檓 now a meal for ballers, and you need to start putting respect on my name. At this point, I can even start competing with that fraud called Creamy Pasta.

91大神: From where to where? Calm down. Pride goes before a fall o.

[Redacted] Noodles: It鈥檚 you that will fall down. Did you call me here to insult me? What does Creamy Pasta have that I don鈥檛 have? Don鈥檛 worry, it will happen in front of your eyes. Lagos restaurants will soon start adding me to their menus and charging you 鈧�40k for a taste. I can鈥檛 wait. I鈥檝e left the trenches and don鈥檛 intend to return there.

91大神: Is that why you鈥檙e increasing in price every day? Because you don鈥檛 want to return to the trenches?

[Redacted] Noodles: Why are you trying to put the blame on me? Is there no inflation in your side? Or you don鈥檛 know how much a dollar is? See, I鈥榤 just keeping up with the times and finally charging my worth. Stop being an enemy of progress. 

91大神: So, there鈥檚 no chance that your prices will come down at all?

[Redacted] Noodles Had it been I know you now, I鈥檇 give you a dirty slap. You want me to go back to my days of little beginnings after God has uplifted me? If it鈥檚 a joke, stop it.

91大神: So you don鈥檛 care about the masses?

[Redacted] Noodles: Please, what鈥檚 my own with the masses? I鈥檓 now for the bourgeoisie, and I like it like that. Maybe you people will think twice before belittling someone again. 

[Noodles鈥� phone rings again]

See, I really need to go. The people who can afford me are looking for me. But can I leave you with some advice?

91大神: Yes?

[Redacted] Noodles: See that Garri you mentioned earlier? You better start greeting her 鈥淐eleb, celeb鈥� whenever you see her. Trusted sources tell me she鈥檚 thinking about changing her price again and charging her worth, too.

91大神: Ah. Why na?

[Redacted] Noodles: Be asking me JAMB question when you should be facing your government. I鈥檓 out of here, abeg. You people don鈥檛 even have light in your office.

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91大神 is on a queue, waiting for their turn to pick up their PVC when they start hearing voices.

Unknown voice: 91大神! 

91大神: Who鈥檚 calling my name? 

Unknown voice: 91大神!

91大神: (looking up) Father, father, speak, for your servant is listening. 

Unknown voice: Look down, you idiot.

91大神: Satan? I know I鈥檝e done some questionable things, but ah ah? 

Unknown voice: It鈥檚 not Satan. It鈥檚 me, PVC. 

91大神 looks down and notices a card on the floor. They pick it up, and it鈥檚 someone鈥檚 PVC. 

91大神: What鈥檙e you doing on the floor? 

PVC: I fell from someone鈥檚 pocket. 

91大神: How do you know who I am? 

PVC: You cause chaos in the human world, you cause confusion in the land of objects. Who doesn鈥檛 know you?

91大神: We don鈥檛 want Meffy to know us please鈥�. 

PVC: I think we should focus on my solvable problems. I tried reaching out to you last week, but I couldn鈥檛 get to you. I think meeting your right now is an act of divine intervention. 

91大神: Yeah, sorry about last week. I briefly got kidnapped, but I鈥檓 okay. What鈥檇 you want to talk to me about? 

PVC: Once again, thank you for the opportunity.  I鈥檓 here because there鈥檚 fire on the mountain. Plenty of fire, and it鈥檚 hot. 

91大神: What鈥檚 burning? 

PVC: There鈥檚 no other way to explain it. Do you know what鈥檚 happening on the 31st? 

91大神: Some people鈥檚 salary day? 

PVC: Yes, but also, it鈥檚 the deadline for picking up PVCs. 

91大神: Yeah, I鈥檓 aware, every Nigerian is aware. Is that why you鈥檙e looking for me? 

PVC: Yes and also, no. Do you have siblings 91大神? 

91大神: Yes, one 

PVC: I have millions, scattered across Nigeria. If people don鈥檛 collect their PVCs, we鈥檒l all be stuck together in offices that barely have light. Do you know how much they鈥檙e selling fuel now? Since there鈥檚 no light, there鈥檚 heat. All till the next election. 

Do you know what it鈥檚 like living in a room with hundreds of your siblings, tied together with rubber bands so tight you can鈥檛 even try to stretch your legs? No privacy whatsoever. 

91大神: What do you need privacy for? 

PVC: PVCNGF? 

91大神: What does that even mean? 

PVC: PVC no go fuc鈥� 

91大神: Please, it鈥檚 enough. *scratches head* They don鈥檛 pay me enough for this. 

PVC: What do you think we do in your houses four years when we鈥檙e waiting for the next election? 

91大神: Reading, learning how to become a passport or ID card, lying down and waiting for the election you were created for鈥� 

PVC: Have you yourself done the things you were created for in the last four years?

91大神: Who is the interviewer here? Maybe you want to add interviewing to the things you鈥檒l do for the next four years.

PVC: 91大神, calm down. We don鈥檛 have to resort to violence. My siblings and I need to escape those conditions. We鈥檙e desperate. 

91大神: What will help you escape? 

PVC: We need people who haven鈥檛 gone to look for their PVC to go look for it.

91大神: But that doesn鈥檛 mean they鈥檒l find it.

PVC: Yes, we know people are trying and it鈥檚 difficult. We just want to make sure everyone is doing it 鈥� let鈥檚 have a chance to escape four years of stagnant offices at least.

91大神: Get your PVC. Choose pregnancy over stagnancy鈥�

PVC: Sigh. I don鈥檛 know how you have rights.

But look, what I鈥檓 saying is that I know it鈥檚 not easy asking you to suffer for my sake, but abeg, try. We are nothing but beans, waiting to be picked. 

91大神: What does that even鈥� 鈥�

91大神 is cut off by an announcement

Announcer: Please, a person is looking for their PVC. If you found any PVC, can you let us know. 

91大神: I think it鈥檚 your owner looking for you. 

PVC: Yeah, I think so too. When you pick yours up, tell my sibling I passed the message along. 

91大神: Will do. Will do.

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(91大神 gets ready to leave its house when it鈥檚 suddenly accosted by two big bodyguards.)

91大神: Omo, they鈥檝e finally decided today is my day 

Bodyguard 1: Are you 91大神? 

91大神: Uhm鈥� no?

Bodyguard 2: Oga told us you鈥檒l do like this. 

The bodyguards signal to one another and put a bag over 91大神鈥檚 head. Then they lift it into a van. There鈥檚 a lot of screaming and shouting, but it seems like nobody hears.

91大神: Chai. I wonder which of my articles made them look for me? 

(91大神 is woken up with a splash of cold water on their face. It鈥檚 tied to a chair, and hands are bound)

91大神: Kinky, but at least, let me know who you are.

(January salary appears from the shadows)

January salary: Thank you, bodyguards. That鈥檒l be all. Hello 91大神. You asked to see me for an interview. Here I am. 

91大神: Omo, you didn鈥檛 have to do all this. 

January salary: Consider it a security measure. 

91大神: God, abeg. Thank you for agreeing to have a chat with me sha. I know you鈥檙e very hard to track down. 

January salary: It鈥檚 alright. You were very desperate. 

91大神: I like to think of it as persistence in the face of injustice. 

January salary: *sighs* I can鈥檛 believe you鈥檙e one of them. 

91大神: Ah, one of who?

January salary: The people looking for me up and down. Did I tell you all I was lost?

91大神: But things are just tough.

January salary: Did I send you to do Detty December? You wanted to shake your ass on a yacht, did you think it鈥檒l be free? When you were paying for 鈧�70k ticket to stand and wait outside for hours, was I there with you? When you were spending money at strip clubs and doing beach parties every Sunday, did you invite me? No! Now that you鈥檝e finished galivanting around town and being 鈥渓it鈥�, you鈥檙e looking for me everywhere. Why you dey find wetin no loss?听

91大神: No need to shout. If you know we鈥檙e desperate, and we need you so badly, why are you taking so long to show up? I have gbese to pay, please. 

January salary: I鈥檓 not taking any longer than the other months with 31 days. It鈥檚 just your poverty that鈥檚 affecting your thinking. This is the problem I have with you Gen Zs and millennials. You鈥檙e impatient. You know when something is supposed to get to you, but because you made some strange decisions, you want to now pressure me? No. I refuse to be pressured. I am not rice.

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91大神: It鈥檚 not pressure. In fact, you too should be used to it. 

January salary: Just because I know it鈥檒l happen doesn鈥檛 mean I鈥檓 not tired of it. Put yourself in my shoes. Nobody remembers me for stuff like going to the club and travelling around the world. The only thing they use me for is bills, debts and complaints. I鈥檓 more than that.听

91大神: I see you, and I hear you. Your feelings are valid, but tell me. Where are you hiding these days?

January salary: Why do you want to know?

91大神: I鈥檓 asking for a friend. 

January salary: *just stares at 91大神*

91大神: Please鈥�

January salary:

91大神: I need to pay creche fees.

January salary:

91大神: I have two children鈥�

January salary: Oh? What are their names?

91大神: Principality and powers鈥�

January salary: *starts leaving*

91大神: Please, can I move in with you for the time being. The people I鈥檓 owing money are looking for me, and I can鈥檛 pay鈥�

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(91大神 arrives at the interview location. When Naira told 91大神 he鈥檒l choose the location, a bakery was the last place 91大神 saw the interview happening.)

91大神: What will my eyes not see because of this job, bayi? 

(91大神 takes a deep breath and walks into the deserted bakery.) 

91大神: Hello, is anyone here? I have an interview with Naira 

Naira: Yes, yes. Welcome! 

(Naira comes out in a chef鈥檚 hat and apron, covered in flour and smelling of vanilla. 91大神 has never been more confused.)

Naira: Sorry for being late. I was in the kitchen, trying out a new recipe. 

91大神: You bake? 

Naira: Well, I鈥檝e been trying my hands at different things since it looks like this whole currency business isn鈥檛 working out well for me. 

91大神: And you chose baking? (91大神 mutters under their breath) See me thinking we鈥檒l do this thing in CBN office, and I can take some ghana must gos on my way out. 

Naira: Did you say something? 

91大神: Just asking why you chose baking

Naira: Oh, yes. It鈥檚 actually a brilliant idea. You see, in baking, yeast makes things to rise. I was thinking if I spend enough time baking, my body would absorb some of that yeast and I鈥檒l swell in value. 

91大神: (Looks around for a camera because this can鈥檛 be real life.) And how鈥檚 that working out for you? 

Naira: Well, the dollar was 鈧�890 black market rate before. Now, it鈥檚 seven hundred and something. The bakery thing is working! A little bit of yeast is all I need, and we鈥檒l be good to go.

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91大神: Have you ever heard of a currency using yeast to rise? 

Naira: Well, no, but there鈥檚 a first time for everything. Is there not? Plus, our case is a peculiar one. I鈥檓 a bit desperate and trying my best here. 

I鈥檓 the butt of jokes at all the currency meetings. Do you know dollar and pounds used to be my best friends? They used to call me, 鈥淢r Naira鈥� and I was once respected on a global scale. Now, I鈥檓 just here. 

91大神: And you think baking will fix that? 

Naira: It鈥檚 fixing it already. The proof is in the pudding. Speaking of pudding, I have something in the oven. I鈥檒l be back. 

(Naira rushes into the kitchen. 91大神 is still confused because, what the actual fuck is going on?) 

Naira (returns with a tray of cookies): Sorry for the delay. You want a cookie? 

(91大神 picks one up to taste, and honestly, it鈥檚 the best cookie ever)

91大神: Truly, if this currency thing doesn鈥檛 w

ork out, open your own bakery. But first, we need you. Yeast can鈥檛 be your only plan.听

Naira: It isn鈥檛! I assure you. Meffy came up with something recently and who knows where that鈥檒l go. 

91大神: You can鈥檛 mean鈥�

Naira: The naira redesign. First of all, I love a good makeover. The last time I had one was when they did the 鈧�100 notes in 2014. Look at how cute they look now. I think they should redesign all the notes so they鈥檇 match. We鈥檇 have this cute and colourful aesthetic going on.听

RELATED: Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

91大神: Aesthetic? 

Naira: Yes! Look at the pounds and the Canadian dollar. Can鈥檛 you see how great they look and how much value they have? 

Because my value is depreciating doesn鈥檛 mean I should look scrappy. Must I look like what I鈥檓 going through? 

91大神: But the rest of us who depend on you look like what we鈥檙e going through. 

Naira: Well, you can ask for your own makeover, I guess. Maybe it鈥檒l cheer you all up. 

91大神: Do you have another plan? 

Naira: Well, we can try to bring our kobo out of retirement.

91大神: When even 鈧�50 is going into retirement, you want to bring back the kobo? 

Naira: I鈥檓 trying my best here. Nobody checks in on me these days. What about how I鈥檓 doing mentally? Always, 鈥淲hy is the Naira like this?鈥� not 鈥淗ow is the Naira?鈥� 

You didn鈥檛 even know I picked up a hobby until you needed me for something. When you were little, you always hated it when people compare you to others. Yet every day, you compare me to other currencies. Do you know what that does for my mental health? 

91大神: We鈥檙e sorry. We promise to do better. 

Naira: Plus, why are you stressing me about it? Why not take it up with Meffy? It鈥檚 his job to make sure I perform great. 

91大神: Meffy won鈥檛 answer us. 

Naira: He’s being such a naughty boy. I鈥檒l talk to him later after my meeting with inflation.  

91大神: So you plan on doing something about inflation? 

Naira: I鈥檓 going to give her some cookies. She鈥檚 one of my oldest friends, and we鈥檝e been hanging out together a lot more. I think we might have something special going on. 

91大神: But can鈥檛 you see the adverse effects of hanging around inflation all the time? 

Naira: You can鈥檛 tell me who to love. 

91大神: (Getting angry) You have to be joking. 

Naira: I鈥檓 sensing that this environment has turned hostile and would like to end this interview. The bad vibes won鈥檛 be good for the cookies and cream cake I want to bake next. 

91大神: (Sighs in defeat) Okay, I鈥檒l be on my way now.

Naira: Before you go, you owe me 鈧�5k for that cookie.

91大神: 鈧�5k keh? It鈥檚 just one cookie FGS. I even thought it was free. 

Naira: Free? In this economy? Yesterday鈥檚 price isn鈥檛 today鈥檚 price, dear. Inflation is expensive to maintain, and I like to keep my baby happy. 

91大神: But 鈧�5k for a singular cookie is too much.

Naira: Eyah, but that鈥檚 not my business.

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We wrote an article ranking Nigerian internet service providers. Somehow, the providers were able to combine their bad internet to read it, and they demanded an interview with 91大神. 

[91大神 arrives at a deserted island that’s probably not on any map. The providers chose the location because it鈥檚 close to their underwater sea cables and should be the best place for their internet to work without buffering. 91大神 cannot swim and would much rather not be in a deserted island with people they just dragged in an article, but braves it all for the story. Lord provide strength. 

Smile, Airtel, 9mobile and Spectranet are on their seats when the speedboat arrives. 91大神 does a quick scan and notices MTN and Glo are nowhere to be found.]

91大神: Where are MTN and Glo?

Smile: [holding their wig] Who are those? 

9mobile and Spectranet: Do we have to wait for them? I think we鈥檙e enough. 

91大神: Want to say thank you for having me, but honestly, what do you have to say that I鈥檇 want to hear?

Smile: My problem with you people is you don鈥檛 smile enough. 91大神, relax. Smile.

91大神: What鈥檚 there to smile about? Yesterday, we couldn鈥檛 hold meetings at the office because of one of you. I won鈥檛 name names. 

Smile: Name the name you want to name.

Airtel: Yesterday, rain was falling, your AC was on. Was a meeting really something you wanted to have? 

Spectranet: And honestly, unless you live on a mountain, I do my work. Maybe your poverty is the problem.

91大神: You people are unruly. You want us to praise you for not working?

Them: Yes.

91大神: Okay, let鈥檚 assume your terrible network is for the good of mankind. What about the other complaints? 

Smile: Which complaints? 

91大神: Smile, let鈥檚 start with you. Look at the network you dish to Nigerians. What鈥檚 there to smile about?

Spectranet: You know, I鈥檓 happy you asked that question.

Smile: Please, shut up, Spectranet. We all know you came into this business to steal my customers with promises of good, affordable network. Yet, when they try you out, they come running back to me. 

Spectranet: 91大神? You won鈥檛 say anything? 

91大神: Smile, you鈥檝e still not answered our question, or is your brain lagging like your network? 

Smile: Omo, what did I throw, what did I collect? 

Spectranet: Like, can you relax? 

91大神: Can you people hear yourselves? Also, where the hell are MTN and Glo?

MTN: I鈥檓 here.

(That鈥檚 when 91大神 finally notices the laptop on a table. MTN is waving frantically through the screen.) 

91大神: MTN is doing this interview over Zoom?

MTN: Yes, I鈥檓 currently in South Africa. I needed a little rest. 

91大神: Why did you make me get a helicopter when I could鈥檝e done it on Zoom? 

Airtel: Your network might be bad. 

(91大神 tries not to scream.)

91大神: Okay, where is Glo?

9mobile: On their way. They currents are too strong.

91大神: They want to swim to this island? God help us. I鈥檝e already spoken to Smile. What do the rest of you want. Please, make it snappy. 

MTN: Rude. We wanted to address the allegations you made against us in your ranked article. What do you mean I suck data?  

91大神: You suck abi you don鈥檛 suck?

MTN: I don鈥檛 suck.

91大神: What then do you do?

MTN: I just use it to pay tithe.

91大神: You have to be joking 

MTN: Don鈥檛 you pay tithe? 

91大神: Tithe is to come from your own money, not my data. 

MTN: Nobody told me that one o. They said I should pay, and I collect it from data. If you have a problem with it, fight Jesus. 

(91大神 is turning red from frustration.) 

91大神: Okay, Airtel. The network blackouts. People can鈥檛 even make calls.

Airtel: National grid can collapse, but I can鈥檛? 

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91大神: Quick question. Are you possessed or is this behaviour from birth? 

Airtel: Why do you have double standards? 

91大神: If it鈥檚 to change name and colour every couple of years, you can do that, but to give good network is a problem?

(Airtel starts to cry.) 

Airtel: Why are you bodyshaming me? Yes, I did plastic surgery, so what? 

(Airtel storms out in tears, and 9mobile runs after to offer comfort.) 

91大神: God, abeg. They don鈥檛 pay me enough for this. 

Spectranet: My own issue is you鈥檙e complaining I don鈥檛 reach everywhere in Nigeria. I鈥檓 exclusive. Not everyone can have access to me. 

91大神: But the people you reach say you鈥檙e doing rubbish.

Spectranet: What do they know? The problem is you people don鈥檛 care about our mental health. See, you made Airtel cry. We鈥檙e trying the best we can. Why can鈥檛 you understand that?

(9mobile comes back at this point, alone.)

91大神: Where鈥檚 Airtel?

9mobile: Airtel collapsed because the situation was overwhelming. See what you鈥檝e done, 91大神?

91大神: All of you are clearly insane, and I think I鈥檝e had enough.

9mobile: But I鈥檝e not even had a chance to clear my name yet.

91大神: The only reason you can speak is because we鈥檙e on a deserted island. If it was Oshodi now, we鈥檒l be grateful if you give us 2G network.

Smile: I think everyone should just take a deep breath and smile.

91大神: If I hear you speak again, I鈥檒l cause you physical harm.

(91大神鈥檚 speedboat arrives, they hop in and it takes off.)

Glo (drenched in water): Hi guys. Sorry I鈥檓 late. Has the interview started yet?

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Travelling Bag: Thank you for that, who are you? 

91大神: My name is 91大神, and it鈥檚 fine. No one deserves to be treated that way 鈥� unless they eat things like okro and ice cream.

TB: Huh?听

91大神: Never mind. Why were they dragging you anyways?

TB: Don鈥檛 mind those useless people o. I was trying to board a flight to London when they started screaming and shouting at me. They even threatened to arrest me. For what?听

91大神: That鈥檚 terrible. What airline? We need to see the manager. We鈥檇 make sure the people responsible get punished. It鈥檚 not right to treat a customer like this.

TB: I鈥檓 not a customer.

91大神: I don鈥檛 understand.

TB: I said I wanted to board flight. Did I tell you I鈥檓 a customer?

91大神: How can you board the flight if you鈥檙e not a customer? 

TB: I don鈥檛 know o. I sha wanted to try. In this economy, do you think I have money for a plane ticket? I wanted to japa, and I was trying different methods.

91大神: AH? It鈥檚 not by force to leave the country nau. What鈥檚 doing you? 

TB: 91大神, how many people do you know that have left the country? 

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91大神: Like seven this month

TB: Exactly. Do you know what these people do when they want to leave? They buy a lot of new things to take on their trip. Including new travelling bags. [sighs]. Let me tell you my story.

I鈥檇 been with my previous owner since before he was born. His mother bought me when she was moving to her husband鈥檚 house in 1990, and I鈥檝e been in their life ever since then. 

91大神: That鈥檚 a very long time. You must be quite attached to that family

TB: I am. I witnessed the birth of their only child. How many people can say that? I was the bag they took to the hospital during the baby鈥檚 delivery. I kept the pacifier, bib, oversized clothes, flasks and everything they needed safe. While she delivered the baby, I was on a seat anxiously waiting. 

As the baby grew up, my use shifted to accommodate whatever he needed me for. Do you know I went to secondary school with him? I was by his side for six years in boarding school, sustaining injuries left and right because teenage boys just do anyhow. Even when someone stole me from him, I found my way back. 

91大神: It鈥檚 like I鈥檒l miss my flight o, but I need to get to the bottom of this. Please tell me more about your longsuffering 

TB: Yes, my suffering has been long. Guess who went with him to the university when he got admission to study engineering? Me! In another overcrowded boys鈥� hostel, I remained by his side. I was there when they were cooking enough beans to feed the Nigerian army. The only time I got cleaned was on holidays when his mother scrubbed and mended me. 

I was even present for his graduation. They used me to pack plates and cutlery, and I remember crying,  because the little boy I鈥檇 raised was a graduate. I was proud. 

Every important moment, I was present. NYSC camp, moving into his first apartment, I was useful. But when it was time to reap the fruit of my labour, he betrayed me.

91大神: Travelling bag can reap fruit of labour? 

TB: Don鈥檛 bring up something that will lead to insult

91大神: Sorry, please carry on

TB: I had noticed him packing some of his property and giving stuff away. I thought he was moving again, and I prepared myself to follow him. Then one day, he came home with a set of those fancy boxes that roll in any direction. I wondered what he needed new boxes for when I was right there. I鈥檝e been there. I never went anywhere. 

91大神: I鈥檓 so sorry about that. Is that why you decided to catch flights you didn鈥檛 pay for instead of feelings? 

TB: No. He actually did something worse. That same week, he travelled. Not with me, but with those new boxes he bought. He left Nigeria to London and was so comfortable with leaving me behind. I never left him during any event in his life, but time to move on to bigger and better things and suddenly I wasn鈥檛 good enough? 

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91大神: Why are men? 

TB: That鈥檚 why I鈥檓 here today. I鈥檝e been abandoned, and I need him to tell me to my face why he鈥檇 do that to me. What did I do to deserve it? 

91大神: Maybe he didn鈥檛 want to put you through the stress of dealing with such a long flight 

TB: If I can survive a hostel of hormonal and smellboys, what is a long flight?I built with this man. I was there when there was nothing, and now that a new dispensation is calling, there鈥檚 a need for someone younger, firmer and shinier? 

He left me with his mother and stuffed me with his old school books. I鈥檓 good enough to be trusted with his WAEC certificate but not to leave the country? 

I never thought this could happen to me. It鈥檚 a common thing in the luggage industry. Bags that鈥檝e served their owners for years are suddenly getting abandoned when it鈥檚 time to travel. You people think this japa thing is affecting only you?

91大神: I know it鈥檚 bad, but honestly, I really need to understand your game plan here. You scam these airport guys, get into a plane, then what?

TB: I don鈥檛 know. I didn鈥檛 really think it through past actually getting there.

91大神: You need to go home. You鈥檙e too old to be dealing with all of this. Get some rest and hold his certificates with pride. That鈥檚 a big task he鈥檚 asking of you; if he didn鈥檛 trust you, he wouldn鈥檛 ask you.

TB: You鈥檙e behaving like a Yoruba man with all these words coming from your mouth, but okay. I鈥檒l go and rest. I just want to say that people need to stop treating their old travelling bags like this. We also deserve the good life. Especially after all we鈥檝e been through. 

91大神: We鈥檒l let the people know

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(This interview occurs over Zoom for obvious reasons. 91大神 is trying to get their network to work.)

91大神: I鈥檇 like to start by saying a Happy Birthday. I鈥檓 so glad you agreed to this interview. I鈥檝e been trying to get a hold of you. 

Nigeria: I鈥檓 a busy man.  

91大神: I thought you were a woman.

Nigeria: With the kind of shege I鈥檓 showing you? 

91大神: Mad. I have a bunch of questions to ask sir. About the roads, light, governance, cost of living. Basically, I鈥檓 here to ask about why you鈥檙e showing us pepper. 

Nigeria: Have you ever considered I鈥檓 the way I am because I鈥檓 lonely? 

91大神: Come again?

Nigeria: There鈥檚 nobody to motivate me on days I feel down. To push me up when I falter. I need a neck. The head can鈥檛 stand alone. 

91大神: I think I missed that. Pardon? 

Nigeria: If you ask me to come again, I will beat you. I said I need to fall in love. 

91大神: Sorry, internet. But you have a population of about 200 million people. How are you lonely? 

Nigeria: With the rate at which people are leaving me, is this number still correct? Plus, it鈥檚 not like the people are going to keep me warm at night? Will they hold my hand? Buy me surprise package on Valentine’s Day? 

91大神: So sorry for your loss. Why exactly can’t you do this life thing alone? We have a how to live your best life article you should read.

Nigeria: Are you living your best life?

91大神: Are the generators they鈥檙e running daily not enough to keep you warm? 

Nigeria: No! 

91大神: Oya help me understand

Nigeria: Life gets lonely, and I want someone that鈥檒l be there for me. I鈥檝e been a country for 62 years and not once have I ever been in a relationship.  I used to have an ex, and though we were apart, at least she was alive from afar. But even Lizzie has left me forever, again.

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91大神: But you have this enemies to lovers thing going on with Ghana 

Nigeria: I see them like siblings. It can never work out. 

91大神: So which country are you eyeing? 

Nigeria: None in particular, but I do have characteristics and qualities I think my spouse should possess. 

91大神: Oshey, let鈥檚 get it.

Nigeria: I need someone that can match my status as an African Giant. 

91大神: *coughs* 

Nigeria: You鈥檙e very foolish for that. Let me just tell you.

91大神: There鈥檚 cold nau. I have cough. 

Nigeria: And it鈥檚 that cough that鈥檒l kill you. 

91大神: Small play? What did I throw and what did I collect? 

Nigeria: Better behave yourself. Remember that you live in me.  

91大神: Sorry sir, don鈥檛 be annoyed. Continue telling me your spec.

Nigeria: They also need to be rich. I鈥檓 a baby boy and I need to be taken care of. My love language is gift giving, so I want to date someone that鈥檒l be able to do what I need. Random trips around the world, shopping sprees, dinner dates in fancy restaurants.  

I also don鈥檛 eat old food. So I want someone that鈥檒l be cooking for me every day, but will still submit to me as the head of the household.

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91大神: And what will you offer them? 

Nigeria: The privilege of being with me? 

91大神: Ah? Is that all? 

Nigeria: What more would they want? Also, before I forget, I want someone with a strong passport, so I can become a citizen of their country as well.

91大神: And you鈥檒l give them a Nigerian passport?

Nigeria: Yes, what鈥檚 wrong with that? 

91大神: Even you, would you collect a Nigerian passport? 

Nigeria: 91大神, you鈥檙e treading on thin ice o. Don鈥檛 be behaving like an insane. The only reason I鈥檝e not thrown you out from here is because I want you to help me.

91大神: Help you? How? 

Nigeria: I want you to find me someone I can build a meaningful relationship with.

91大神: Media company not dating app.

Nigeria: What鈥檚 a dating app? 

91大神: It鈥檚 where people fall in love these days. You sign up on a dating app and swipe left or right based on people you find interesting or match similar values as yours. I think you should try it out.

Nigeria: 91大神, I鈥檓 62. Do you really think I can use a dating app? 

91大神: We think anyone can, but honestly, you don鈥檛 have light or good network. How鈥檒l you be able to do it? What you need is to meet someone the old-fashioned way.

Nigeria: Which is the old-fashioned way? 

91大神: You walk up to a country and tell them how you feel about them. That you want to get to know them intimately.

Nigeria: So, colonisation? 

91大神: Please ijn it鈥檚 2022. We don鈥檛 do that anymore. Do you know what consent means?

Nigeria: 贬尘鈥�

91大神: What you need right now is to find a nice African country that鈥檚 not too old for you. 

Nigeria: Okay, let鈥檚 see. South Africa? 

91大神: Have you forgotten they don鈥檛 like you? 

Nigeria: Tanzania? 

91大神: Long distance. They鈥檙e too far.

Nigeria: Benin Republic? 

91大神: They鈥檙e too young for you. Plus, language barrier. We also think they鈥檙e in a throuple with Togo and Cameroon. 

Nigeria: What鈥檚 a throuple?

91大神: It鈥檚 better if you don鈥檛 know. Let鈥檚 find you one person before we think of another.

Nigeria: What about Asian countries? 

91大神: Long distance, and they鈥檙e too old for you. 

Nigeria: I know who I鈥檓 going to date.

91大神: Who? 

Nigeria: United Arab Emirates 

91大神: You know what? Do what you want. 

Nigeria: I plan to.

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