Everyone would know you have sex

You can鈥檛 lie and call yourself a virgin just for the fun of it anymore. There鈥檚 now physical proof.

24/7 morning sickness

Everything about pregnancy is false advertisement because if it鈥檚 called 鈥渕orning sickness鈥�, why does it happen 24/7?聽

Can鈥檛 eat what you want because the foetus might be a picky eater and reject it聽

This is just the child telling you your life no longer belongs to you.

Huge belly

Apart from perpetually looking like you鈥檙e hauling around two footballs in your belly, people always want to rub said belly. And if you drop something, sorry for you.

You have to deliver the placenta too

Giving birth to the actual baby isn鈥檛 enough. You also have to push out the organ that grew inside you with your baby.

Hormone changes may make your sweat blue

Yes, there鈥檚 . Take heart, dear.

Acne breakouts all over your body

Skincare, where? If you thought your skin didn鈥檛 care before, you鈥檙e about to be extra surprised.

You may still get your period and painful muscle cramps

You thought pregnancy was going to stop aunty Flo? You thought wrong

Your face swells up

Do you like puff puff? That could be your face during pregnancy.

You could get weird cravings like semo and ogbono soup.

At this point, you just know your child is against you.

Amniotic fluid embolism

Cells from the fetal matter can enter the bloodstream and lead to a stroke.

The baby could paralyse you while napping on your spine

Now, it鈥檚 just a possibility, but God abeg. Why is your child your greatest opp while they are still inside you?

Their tiny foot might get stuck in your ribs and crack them

First off, any foot that can crack ribs is not tiny. That baby has the strength of a thousand men.

Your retina could pop out during labour

It鈥檚 nice to know that your retina could act like a Jack in the Box and just pop out, leaving you blind as a bat.

Your clitoris might rip too, and you鈥檇 probably shit yourself

It鈥檚 giving self-sabotage and public disgrace.

24hrs+ labour and you can鈥檛 eat the whole time聽

Anything more than an hour is too much, so this? Unacceptable.

You can get multiple surprise babies

Imagine expecting one baby and getting extras. Who invited them?

Your uterus could rupture during labour

There are a lot of things rupturing, and it isn鈥檛 inspiring any confidence.

Finally, you now have a permanent shadow

After somehow surviving pregnancy and labour, you鈥檇 think you鈥檙e free, but now you have another human being following you everywhere like a shadow.

RECOMMENDED: 7 Effective Birth Control Methods For Women

They wake up and immediately cause chaos 

They do this by crying the entire house down. How do you wake up and just start crying for no damn reason?聽

They’re always trying to hurt themselves 

Look away for one second, and they’re on the verge of falling down the stairs and breaking their necks. They can’t see that their tiny legs can’t go down the stairs; all they see is a fun little adventure.

You’d be surprised what their poo smells like 

How can one tiny human being produce such a foul smell? Blood of Jesus.聽

They sleep and wake up whenever they like 

What’s their business if it’s 2 a.m. and you’re tired? As long as they’re awake, you have to be awake. 

The house is never tidy聽

Their toys are all over the place all the time. The day isn’t complete if you don’t mistakenly step on one of them and cry in pain.

Get ready for your things to be destroyed 

You’ll be searching for your phone, only to find out that they’ve put it in the toilet.聽

They communicate by crying 

You always have to play the fun game of “Guess why I’m crying now.”聽

They always do crackhead things 

Why do they think it’s okay to cover themselves in Vaseline, for God’s sake?

There’s wahala if they don’t get their way

Don’t give them what they want, and the floodgates of tears will come pouring down. Either that or they throw tantrums by throwing themselves on the floor. Who are you hurting, dear? Yourself.聽

Also read: If Your Year Was Full of Failed Talking Stages, You鈥檇 Relate to These 15 Memes聽

They don鈥檛 pay rent聽

Babies live rent-free. Imagine not having to pay your own rent at the end of each year/month. Must be nice.聽

They always get what they want

All babies have to do is cry and they鈥檒l get anything 鈥� whether it鈥檚 food, breast milk, toys鈥� anything. Theee life we鈥檙e trying to live,  for real.

They don鈥檛 have jobs

That鈥檚 why babies are so cheerful and playful. They don鈥檛 have deadlines to meet so they鈥檙e just living based on vibes and giggles. 

They don鈥檛 have relationship issues

As a baby, nobody is going to come into your life and tell you they love you and serve you breakfast right after 鈥� unless it鈥檚 .

They don鈥檛 go to school聽

And when they鈥檙e old enough to start school, the only thing they do is eat, sleep and learn A,B,C and 1,2,3. SMH.

Babies don鈥檛 have to take care of anybody

Babies don鈥檛 have any parents or siblings calling them to ask for money.

Babies don鈥檛 pay bills

Unlike us adults living our whole lives to pay bills 鈥� including the childcare bills

Babies don鈥檛 fight

Babies don鈥檛 fight. Asides from not being able to fight, nobody can fight them. If you鈥檝e ever had the urge to fight a baby, please check yourself.

People are nicer to babies

Babies are cute and small and peaceful, and this why people are nice to babies. 

Let鈥檚 talk about parenting 

If there鈥檚 one thing this week has done, it鈥檚 strengthened my resolve to not have kids. In the last week, I鈥檝e spent time with my sister who has a three-year-old and a five-week-old. The newborn doesn鈥檛 require much, all he does is eat, sleep, pee, poop and cry. I don鈥檛 have to tell him to stop jumping or get up or sit down or drop this or that as often as I have to tell his older brother.

When you鈥檙e the last-born, like me you get easily irritable when toddlers don鈥檛 calm down. You wonder why they misbehave in public and quickly blame the parents, meanwhile, the child is a crackhead whose actions are not a reflection of their upbringing. 

I鈥檓 team and I care very little about what my ovaries can do. My siblings think it鈥檚 a phase, but I am a woman in her mid-twenties who can very much make up her mind about things. Kids are not a gift pack that comes with being an adult. They are not accessories you get when you cross a certain age. 

I don鈥檛 tell a lot of people about my not wanting kids. Ever since I told my mum, she鈥檚 been sneaking it into her daily prayers whenever she calls me. The most recent one was her asking God to take away any modern ideas from me. I asked her what the modern ideas were and she said something like 鈥淕od knows my heart.鈥� 

It鈥檚 the year 2022, and although a lot of us claim to know better and want to do better as adults and as parents, we still have to go out to touch grass. We need to accept that we are in the minority of people who have unlearned and relearned what parenting means and how parenting should be done. 

Personally, I think psych evaluations should be conducted before people are allowed to be parents. While educating people about sex and teaching them safe sex, it鈥檚 important to let them know that children can also be a side effect of sex. You can go from having an insane orgasm to taking care of someone who doesn鈥檛 know their left from their right. 

Lastly, children are very expensive, very noisy and they take more from the table than they bring. They are cute for a few years and you have to care for them from the day they are born till the day you die. 

I enjoy slandering children and I’m sure I’ve already done a lot of that, but now, I want to applaud adults who take the bold step to have and love those crotch goblins. 

Having children is like buying a product. Sometimes you get another one for free. The problem with this product is that you can鈥檛 return it.

For real tho

Do not have kids until you are sure you are ready for them and when I say ready, I mean it in every capacity of the word. No one really knows what kind of parent they鈥檒l be, but you need to know the basics. Financial stability is the most important thing so you can pay for therapy when your kid fucks up your life or vice versa. 

Until next time, it鈥檚 fuck them kids on these streets. 

ALSO READ: 10 Ways to Know You鈥檝e Become Exactly Like Your Parents

Hear Me Out is a brand new limited series from 91大神, and you can check back every Saturday by 9 a.m. for new episodes from Ifoghale and Ibukun.

How it started:

1. LMFAOO

2. The child better wear a lawyer’s wig for cr猫che graduation

3. REPEAT????

Just send that child to a mechanic workshop since it’s unserious.

4. From cr猫che to the job market

5. Becoming Bob the Builder after watching Bob the Builder.

6. NYSC straight!!!

7. LMFAOOO

8. Kids obey the clarion call!!

9. From cr猫che to Tech

10. Tech baby.

Hmm

The subject of today鈥檚 鈥淎 Week In The Life鈥� is a stay-at-home mum looking after a toddler. She talks about having to resign from her job while pregnant, the many ways toddlers try to off themselves and why she has no regrets even though some parts of her life are currently strenuous.

MONDAY:

Midnight:

My day starts at this time for two reasons: either because my son took a late afternoon nap and he hasn鈥檛 slept yet, or he鈥檚 asleep and I’m boiling hot water and packing his food for when he wakes up around 3 a.m. to eat. 

Thankfully, today is the latter. 

The past couple of days have been intense: My son, his royal highness, has been refusing to sleep early, so my husband and I have had to take turns to beg him to sleep, sing for him, give him a night shower, and rock him to sleep under the AC. But, we didn鈥檛 do all that before he slept off today. 

The day started with the voice of my baby waking me up around 10 a.m. In the previous days, my son would probably still be asleep by that time. And that鈥檚 why when I looked at the time after waking up, I started his day with a bath, a meal and general grooming activities. By the time I was done at 11 a.m., he was fully prepared to make my day a circus. 

At one point, I was washing his plates from the morning meal, using my side-eye to monitor him, picking up after his mess and at the same time, considering running away from everything. 

Before I blinked, it was 1 p.m. and I found myself changing diapers because he had pooed. Afterwards, I fed him again. Then I spent the next few hours fighting him for my phone to prevent him from smashing the phone or downloading weird apps and videos. 

One minute I was hiding my phone, the next, it was 3 p.m. and I was setting the mood for nap time. Down went the blinds, up went the A.C, out went the diapers, into his tummy went water and then baby was gently rocked.  

The moment I heard his first snore, I put him gently into his cot, tiptoed away quietly, and crammed all of the day鈥檚 chores into his sleep time. By the time I heard his first cry two hours later, I had already successfully washed, dried and ironed his clothes from the previous week. 

Luckily, I didn鈥檛 have to hold him for long because his dad got back home a few hours after he woke up. From the front door, before he even had any time to catch his breath, I handed his child to him alongside baby food to feed to him. 

After his meal and small rough play, he safely tucked himself into the arms of his dad. From then on, it was a waiting game for him to fall asleep. By 9:30 p.m., he was in dreamland. Then, my own day began and I could finally press my phone and catch up with the world. 

Now, I鈥檓 up at midnight making plans for when he wakes up to eat in the middle of the night. Nothing serious. Just another week keeping up with a one year and eight months old baby. 

TUESDAY:

The first thought in my head when I hear the voice of my baby this morning is, 鈥渉ow do mothers who work while raising kids do it?鈥� Because watching an active toddler for 30 minutes is enough to drive anyone insane. Not to add the stress of a 9-5 on top. 

I鈥檝e lost count of the number of times I鈥檝e screamed 鈥渘o, no, no鈥� today. In fact, one of the first things my baby learned to say was 鈥渘o, no, no鈥� because of how frequently I say it to him. If I鈥檓 not chasing him, he鈥檚 chasing me. Yet, I鈥檒l still be the one who needs a foot massage from my husband at the end of a workday. Children are terrorists and I don鈥檛 know where they get their energy from. 

When I talk to more experienced mothers, I hear that this is still the 鈥済ood stage.鈥� Apparently, my baby is still going to pass through terrible , which means he鈥檒l still show me more pepper. The thought of this alone is enough to make me not want another child. 

For this child, my life literally stopped when I got pregnant. I went from being the best salesperson for a particular product at an FMCG to being asked to resign at work the next year due to pregnancy complications. Nothing hurt as much as watching 6 years and 4 months of my life slip through the cracks because I couldn鈥檛 show up at work like I used to. What made it more painful was seeing my company not caring for my well-being as much as I did for theirs. 

Outside of work, don鈥檛 even get me started on the weird pregnancy cravings: coke in a glass bottle and not plastic coke. Vanilla ice cream from Chicken Republic. Garri water. Cold Nutri C or Ribena. 

Not to talk of pregnancy complications such as always wanting to vomit, spitting every day 鈥� and my husband having to regularly empty and wash my spit cup 鈥� and losing almost 7 kg of weight under two months. 

I can鈥檛 imagine going through this again, especially now that this time I鈥檒l have to look after two kids. Although, occasionally, when I think about how much I love my son, the love of my life, aka the terrorist of my life, I find myself reconsidering my decision. 

WEDNESDAY:

We鈥檙e up early this morning. By we, I mean my son, his dad and me. Today is for spending time with grandma so mummy can have time off to run a few errands. Top of the list is to crochet a few beanies and scarves for sale as a supplementary source of income. 

Since I left my job, I鈥檝e been asking myself how women live and raise kids without jobs. While I recognise that this is a privileged stance, I still can鈥檛 help but wonder. The only reason I haven鈥檛 lost my mind is that I saved up a lot of money while I was still working a proper 9-5. It was just in late 2020 that I converted my crochet hobby into a side business for extra income and a sense of control in a chaotic routine. Even though the crocheting business is decent, I鈥檓 making plans to return to the corporate world in 2022 when my baby turns two. I鈥檝e already started putting out feelers for a sales role in FMCG or a customer success specialist in a tech company. 

However, nothing has come out for now. I know it鈥檚 just a matter of time before I hit my dreams. 

But that one is in the future. Today, the only thing on my mind is how many scarves and hats I can make between when I drop off my son and when I have to pick him. 

THURSDAY:

To the untrained observer, toddlers are adorable balls of goodness that can do no harm. To us, the initiated, these toddlers are tiny balls of energy bent on harming themselves.

This afternoon, I looked away for just one second and my child had scaled his cot. One minute he was inside and safe, the next, I heard gbim, watched him land on his arm and saw him run to me while crying. Thank God the arm is still working fine. 

After that episode, he went climbing the glass table. As I was running towards him, he kept shouting 鈥渘o, no, no.鈥� In my head, I was like if you鈥檙e shouting that word, then you know what you鈥檙e doing is bad, so why are you still doing it? 

During a diaper change, while I was disposing of the used napkins, this boy went to touch live socket. I was too shocked to react until after I had removed him from danger. Then, I had to explain to him why electricity is not child鈥檚 play. 

As if that warning was not enough, this boy entered the kitchen and was playing with the gas cylinder. 

The last thing I remember from today is calling my husband on the phone to come and carry his child before he kills me. 

FRIDAY:

My mother-in-law is around, so today is a good day already. Whenever she鈥檚 around, I鈥檓 rest assured to get the necessary time off to breathe. After yesterday鈥檚 episode, I鈥檓 glad she鈥檚 around. I鈥檓 confident that between her shift in the morning and my husband鈥檚 shift at night, they can look after my son. I鈥檓 rooting for them. 

Me, I鈥檓 focusing on catching my breath for as long as I can. Transitioning from wife to mother has been one hell of a journey. Sometimes I just sit down and say that this tiny grain of rice that was once in my tummy is now breathing, living, terrorising and I’ love it. This person came out of my stomach. That is, na me born am. Small me of yesterday is now a mother. Wow. 

As much as I complain, cry, and fuss about the stress of raising a child, I don’t think I’d change anything if I could go back in time. For me, regardless of the stress, there has been no greater joy than seeing someone who is half of me and half of the person I love. 

In fact, if you asked me to absolutely change anything today, the one thing I鈥檇 probably change is the TV channel. My mother-in-law put the television on Zee World but, I want to watch good-old to kickoff my relaxation. 

I too am someone鈥檚 child. 

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more 鈥淎 Week In The Life 鈥� goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this

For today’s interview, we have “spoken to” six frustrated Nigerian babies to let us know what their experiences have been like since they found themselves in Nigeria against their will.

Ann, 3 months.

I鈥檝e been on earth about 200 times, and I鈥檝e never filled Nigeria on my country allocation form, so imagine my shock when I found myself here. If God wanted to punish me, they should have just told me now.

June, 1.5 months

I am so tired of being here. My mum thinks I like to sleep, but I鈥檓 secretly trying to slide into a coma, so I can go back to baby heaven to fight. 

Alice, 12 months

I didn鈥檛 even fill a form, I was playing a little too much in heaven when God said they鈥檒l scold me. The whole time I thought they will tell me to sing 20 times instead of the 15 times we usually sing, but instead, they sent me to Nigeria. Anyway, my parents are rich and are planning to move to Canada. Alice 1- God 0

Danjuma, 6 months

God did a slide show of all the countries, and when they got to Nigeria they only showed us the Eko Atlantic and Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. That鈥檚 how I filled Nigeria in my form and was born in Sagamu. I cry a lot hoping my mum will deliberately return me, but she鈥檚 experienced. She鈥檚 had 9 before me.

Tems, 8 months

My parents decided to teach me my A-Zs using countries, anytime they get to a country I filled as an option on my form, I start to wail. They don鈥檛 know why and they don鈥檛 understand. At whatever age God sees me again, it鈥檚 on sight. 

Tunde, 3 months

Maybe it鈥檚 because I picked New Zealand; maybe New Zealand and Nigeria are too close in the database, I don鈥檛 know. The delivery guy sha dropped me in Nigeria. I don鈥檛 even cry, I just don鈥檛 eat, let natural selection take its course. Mind you, I鈥檝e been in New Zealand before, so I don鈥檛 know how the delivery guy could make such a silly mistake. 

1) “Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears

Sure, the chorus of the song kinda makes reference to a sadomasochistic relationship (Hit me baby one more time!), but it’s also about young love. A thing your sweet baby will be experiencing soon. Plus, it’s catchy as hell.

2) The Karishika theme song

Skip to 14:25 to hear the iconic theme song.

The way the song starts with slowly repeated chantings of the words, “Karishika, Karishika, Queen of demons. Lucifer, Lucifer, Prince of darkness” and speeds up to a crescendo is sure to send your little one to sleep with nothing but sweet dreams.

3) “Ave Satani” from The Omen (1976)

Don’t let the fact that the title of this track literally translates to “Hail Satan” deter you from introducing your baby to this haunting piece Gregorian chant knockoff and 1977 Academy Award nominee for Best Original Song.

4) A slow acoustic version of Sisqo’s “Thong Song”

It’s acoustic. Don’t think too much about it.

5) “Barbie Girl” by Aqua

As long as you and your child focus on the name of the song and bright colours and ignore the insanely sexually suggestive lyrics (that made Mattel, the makers of the Barbie doll, the band’s record label), everything will be fine.

What’s up, 91大神 Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this . It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

First of all cerelac is expensive.

Pampers is also expensive and you can use up to ten in one day.

From socks to baby stroller there is nothing that’s not expensive.

Can you even afford school fees?

Sleep will become a thing of the past.

If your house used to look like this before.

From the moment you have a baby this is how it’ll start looking.

What of all those night outs with friends?

Before you have your own baby spend the whole day with someone else’s child.

Ever seen a birthing video before?

Now that you are done with this list do you still want a baby?

It was only normal for this news to shake the internet by all its edges.

How Beyonce will perform at Coachella.

Can she adopt us please?

Some people have already started fazing the babies o.

Mummy B is just a Yoruba woman lowkey.

Nigerians are not loyal sha.

And her new name will be BEYTWICE.

How beyonce slays the world every time.

We’ve already named the twins Taiye and Kehinde, you’re welcome mummy B.